Welcome to the Rock of Love Bus Reunion Show! It's a leopard printed hello from 80's hair metal's favorite almost-been, Rikki Rachtman! He gives us a brief history Rock of Love, consisting mostly of Soccer Mom Ambre, and then it's time to catch up with the hos!
Long live Fred Flinstone!
I don't remember all of them, but here's who stands out - Deluded Ho Janie and Boring Butch Beverly and who both look much, much improved; Farrah who looks amazing; Pole Dancer Melissa who looks disgusting and whose weave looks like old wool; Skipper Kelsey, who looks like crap in what appears to be a brown wig and Marcia Brazil, who's I think is still the prettiest one of all of them, if you just don't think about the Doritos and tequila flavored vomit.
Getting eliminated has done this ho some good.
Faithful acolyte Rikki introduces The Ego with the requisite reminders of his far reaching fame - fifteen hit songs, twenty-five million singles...and dated at least three hundred "chicks". And then, it's Bret! And the entrance does not disappoint. Not only do we get him in the Bret Michaels Classic Rock Pose #1, arms up and out - but today we get pyro! Just a tiny bit, but it looks awesome. See, this is what happens when you give the rock star a producer credit.
Woah. Watch the weave.
Bret's got a new look. A mustache, and some kind of goatee thing. The mustache alone would have been hot, but the rest of it needs to go. His hair looks soft and pretty, and wardrobe is seriously toned down to black t-shirt, jeans and red bandana. What I wouldn't give for a flame painted pleather pantsuit, but at this point I've given up all hope.
Rikki gushes over the hotness of the hos, and Bret generously agrees. Then Rikki asks if Bret's ever been tempted to not chase down a ho and just bunk in his tour bus and read a book. Stupid question, and no, never. Also, it's not been confirmed that Bret even knows how to read.
And then it's time to catch up with the hos. First up is Nutbar Constandina and her brilliantly timed vow of celibacy. She still looks odd, like one of those wiccan types. And she's married! She married her husband in Times Square, officiated by the Naked Cowboy. Well, that seems like a marriage destined to last forever.
Any wedding within a hundred feet of an Olive Garden will get refillable breadsticks for life.
Then Nutbar tells us that Bret misunderstood. She came on the bus to break her vow of celibacy. And she thought Bret "could be the one" to do it. "And I'm learning about this now because why?" Bret wants to know. Cause she's a nutbar and it's pointless to try and find sense amongst all the almonds and pistachios bumping around in her head?
So Nutbar says that Bret's a spiritual person and he has the universe at his disposal. Which I'm sure he really cares about when he also has two busses of loose hos at his disposal. Then she sticks a bindi on Bret's bandana. Bret is polite and gracious, although he does make a half assed Bret comment about "feeling something spiritual coming on real soon".
Then Rikki wants to know who's left Rock of Love and gotten engaged...married...pregnant? One of them is indeed knocked up. I couldn't tell you which one - she's tucked away in the back. Must have been one of the first to go.
But onto more entertaining hos...it's time to relive old times with Marcia Brazil and her throw-up flavored kiss, and the Coochie Shot girls. I'm nauseous and happy at the same time. Bret can give all the speeches about connections he wants, but trashy hos is what we're here for.
Like I said.
He thinks Brazil looks beautiful, and I agree - I always thought she was the prettiest of the bunch. The skanky blondes look a little different, one of them has a new, wooly weave, but don't worry, still skanky. Brazil happily recounts her endless bottle of tequila, and how she was always herself. "I drank a lot," she shrugs. And there you have it.
But Rikki wants to know about the throw-up Doritos kiss. Bret said he could taste Doritos "with a kicker". But she had such nice lips, he really didn't care. "At least I ate Doritos first, so it didn't taste too bad," she offers. I'm beyond disgusted, but Bret just commends her for taking it like a rock star and they move on.
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Comments (8)
[Q]I'll see you when TV gets trashy enough for me again...kisses, sexy dolls.[/Q]
Do you mean to tell me that Daisy of Love or Trophy Wife aren't trashy enough for you? I love your sense of humor, and I'd love to "hear" what you think of those shows.
1 of 8 | Posted by weejie | Posted on May 5, 2009 5:57 PM
You saw The Silver Fox!!!! Oh Em Gee!!! They would still be trying to pry me off his leg.
What was the dealio with Bret's face pubes? He looked like a bizarro version of himself. Maybe he thought that these whores were so stupid that the ass hairs he glued to his face would confuse them and he'd be able to slip out the back door with out anyone of them!
I wonder if VH1 could get a younger rocker for these shows. When I saw Bret with Kelsey it was sorta too To Catch a Predator-y. The more seasons they have the older and more beat up these chicks are gonna get.
Oh...I watched two eps of Daisy of Love. Oh my. Joel Mchale from The Soup described her better than I ever could. He called her "bravely unattractive". Ahahahaha!
2 of 8 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on May 5, 2009 8:16 PM
Wow, Farrah looks great! Did she lose weight? She doesn't look as, well, beefy.
Now that Slash has totally sold out and appeared on American Idol, maybe he is up for doing a Rock of Love? I agree that Bret is getting too old, and that it's hard to find groupies old enough for him.
It's a good thing that Bret didn't pick Mindy. She wouldn't have bowed out nearly as gracefully as Taya. I can see her driving a pursuit vehicle following the tour bus on the next Rock of Love!
3 of 8 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on May 5, 2009 9:38 PM
This episode was so long ago it's slipped into the messy slipstream of old reality shows (i.e., it's already been flushed down the toilet).
But I do remember having been pretty disgusted by the cast in general, especially the Blondetourage, who just are too stupid to be funny.
Well, most of these girls were too stupid for me to care about at all anyway.
And yeah, I kept saying: "Who was that again?" for a lot of them.
Gopher definitely came off as pretty pathetic...if only for continuing to drool over Bret.
Nathaniel was pretty damn brutal on that other idiot girl (who came off as really nasty and stupid and definitely deserved getting the shit kicked out of her). That fight at least didn't look too rehearsed.
And, gee-golly-whiz, who'd have guessed that things had cooled a bit between Taya and Bret? What a shocker.
But then these shows always have this stupid forced separation period.
Hmm...I've used the word 'stupid' a lot in this comment. Go figure.
And Chickbomb, Daisy of Love isn't skanky enough for you? It's practically dripping with tattoo ink.
4 of 8 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 5, 2009 11:46 PM
I'm just glad that Taya fixed her eyebrows. She looked a lot better than she did on the show.
5 of 8 | Posted by blanketessa | Posted on May 6, 2009 10:13 AM
@ blanketessa,
Thank YOU!! I totally agree about her eyebrows. I am such an eyebrow snob and her funked up eyebrows bugged me they entire show. I could tell she didn't do her own make up for the final ep and the reunion based on those two floating strips of hair.
Messed up archs like the ones she had make women look older. Also, meth heads over tweeze so really thin eyebrows make thin people look strung out.
So spend the 10 bucks and have someone wax them for you or LEARN!! Okay. Rant over.
6 of 8 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on May 6, 2009 9:18 PM
Yeah, Penty's eyebrows were awful. I didn't even notice they had improved. All I saw was the sour expression on her puss.
And Bret's wig looked extra shiny when he made his rockstar entrance. It's imported!
That tranny fight looked genuinely nasty. Way to trash out a respectable show. wait a minute...
7 of 8 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on May 7, 2009 1:05 PM
I just watched the premiere of the new Charm School....turns out the ROL Bus was nothing but a long audition for that show.
At least all you Blondetourage lovers will get their money's worth.
8 of 8 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 7, 2009 4:36 PM