Hello dolls, and welcome to the season finale of Rock of Love! We're down to our final two hos - Cross Eyed Soccer Mom Ambre and Muppet Daisy. This season's been a slow ride, but tonight looks like one big, messy, make-up smeared drama. Grab your spare bottle of Aqua Net and off we go!
Back to the felt factory.
For the big event, we're headed down to Cancun in a private jet! Well, we're not, but the hos are and they're impressed. The location for this season's rendezvous is the ME resort, a new chain of mid-priced hotels for not quite Mayakoba, not quite Sheraton crowd. When they arrive at the hotel, they are met with a Mayan dance routine. "It's amazing!" says Soccer Mom of the hotel version of the masked tribal dance. Of course it is, Soccer Mom's the type to suck in all the tourist traps on a vacay. Luckily, the Mayan dance also comes with cocktails.
Also, luckily, so does Muppet.
They hos get into their room, and sure enough, there's presents from Bret! It's a bunch of ME resort themed shit. No straw cowboy hats this time, but hotel gift shop design is still enough to make our hos happy. They have a gorgeous balcony with a bed on it.
And then it's time for dinner. Soccer Mom looks boring in brown, but she does coordinate nicely with Bret's brown t-shirt. Muppet looks whorish as usual, in a peachy pink stripper-on-the-town dress, and a side ponytail. Neither hos' hair is holding up well in the humidity, and they both just kind of generally look like it's been a long trip. Which, I suppose in the greater sense, it has.
Bret throws the hos a quick hello, and then breaks out the same exact conversation he's been having with these two for the past eighty million weeks now. Unsurprisingly, twelve hours in an overnight bag has not done anything to freshen up Bret's Big Issues.
What do you think about politics poverty global warming me?
But Muppet's going to shake it up! As soon as he tells her he still has questions, she informs him that she does too! And she has written them down on some of that ME brand stationary from Bret's gift pack. And she has also brought a pencil from the pack to take notes. Soccer Mom is surprised Muppet knows how to use paper and pencil.
Muppet's big list is basically her problem that Bret's always talking about his emotional connection with Soccer Mom, but that when it comes to her, all he talks about is the physical connection. Muppet wants to know if that's all he sees in her. Muppet, don't ever ask a question like that unless you're sure of the answer. But cute that you think there's something else about you for him to like.
Of course, Bret's not going to say that, so he just nods uncomfortably for a minute, and finally settles on, "Well, you're a mystery." He tells us he needs to connect with her on a "cerebral level". I spit out my drink laughing. I really do.
But mean ol' Soccer Mom sees her opening, and doesn't want to let it slide. And even thought I can't stand Soccer Mom, I must say, she's as smart as Muppet is dumb, which means...well, Soccer Mom's pretty smart. "You lead with your sexuality," she informs Muppet sweetly, like she cares. Muppet demands examples. "Like, such as?" she challenges Soccer Mom, and I can't help but be reminded of that dumb Miss Teen USA. Who told these girls that saying "like, such as" made you sound smart?
I meant it as a compliment.
Soccer Mom goes on to explain that sexuality isn't a bad thing, but what does it lead to? "Well, it's a valid concern, and we're worried about it too," Bret confesses to wily Soccer Mom. Now she's playing therapist to Bret and Muppet's relationship. Brilliant.
But Bret doesn't fall for it for long. He turns the conversation over to Soccer Mom and his undying concern that she just wants to win at all costs, but does she care about him? "I just have to do this," Soccer Mom responds, and then makes out with him. Nice try doll, but Bret's not as dumb as Muppet. You think you're the first ho to run that play?
Bret: You're eighteen, right?
Random Underage Ho: I really need to kiss you.
Bret: So, you used to date Vince Neil?
Random Groupie Ho: I just have to kiss you right now.
Bret: So, it's just a zit?
Random Diseased Ho: Let's make out.
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Comments (23)
Love it! Can't wait to see Flasher beat the crap out of Muppet! Thank you once again ChickBomb for another great season.
1 of 23 | Posted by htpnk10 | Posted on April 15, 2008 12:38 PM
Nice job Chickbomb!!!
I had the exact same thought about the exact same necklace for each ho.
2 of 23 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on April 15, 2008 1:01 PM
So, i read an article today that there may be Rock of Love 3. Not b/c he doesn't like AmBRE, but because she's a cool chick and fun to hang out with, but he said that going on TV to find true love was never his intentions!
3 of 23 | Posted by rao611 | Posted on April 15, 2008 1:13 PM
I thought Ambreeee was really fake. I don't buy all the "you're the right guy for me, you're the type of guy I want" stuff. It sounded like she was just trying to say the right thing, and it wasn't very convincing. Kind of like when she says "dude" and "pimp". You're 37. You should be "dunzo" with that talk. She probably doesn't even have his cell phone number in her phone right now (which I'm sure is fine by Bret).
I was shocked that Daisy is listed as appearing in some C-List scary movie coming out. I definitely thought that she would have killed herself. I think she is ridiculous, but I have to feel a little sorry for her, too. Also, I thought it was funny when she asked for the password when Ambre knocked on the door. Uncle Oscar should be proud.
4 of 23 | Posted by sardini | Posted on April 15, 2008 2:28 PM
Chick Bomb, I literally laughed out loud at that King of the Hill picture. And the picture in the first page of the "fucking terrorist" 50's family [whatever show that was].
Thanks for recapping a lame season. However, the reunion show looks like its gonna be interesting. With a nice catfight between Heather and Daisy.
5 of 23 | Posted by hollabackboy | Posted on April 15, 2008 5:26 PM
Great recap! I can't believe no one has commented on Bret saying
"I can't wait NO more" when he wanted to bed the girls, instead of "anymore." I think he thought it sounded cute or maybe his grammar really is that bad??? He kept saying it and it was so totally annoying!! I think it is pretty low how Heather was beating on Daisy in the previews. I like Ambre, but even with all Daisy's craziness, she seems like she has a good heart. I hope something good comes to her after all she has been through.
6 of 23 | Posted by nycgal | Posted on April 15, 2008 7:06 PM
Great recap! I can't believe no one has commented on Bret saying
"I can't wait NO more" when he wanted to bed the girls, instead of "anymore." I think he thought it sounded cute or maybe his grammar really is that bad??? He kept saying it and it was so totally annoying!! I think it is pretty low how Heather was beating on Daisy in the previews. I like Ambre, but even with all Daisy's craziness, she seems like she has a good heart. I hope something good comes to her after all she has been through.
7 of 23 | Posted by nycgal | Posted on April 15, 2008 7:06 PM
Great recap! I can't believe no one has commented on Bret saying
"I can't wait NO more" when he wanted to bed the girls, instead of "anymore." I think he thought it sounded cute or maybe his grammar really is that bad??? He kept saying it and it was so totally annoying!! I think it is pretty low how Heather was beating on Daisy in the previews. I like Ambre, but even with all Daisy's craziness, she seems like she has a good heart. I hope something good comes to her after all she has been through.
8 of 23 | Posted by nycgal | Posted on April 15, 2008 7:06 PM
This final show was the hardest to gag down. I hated both of these ho's. Daisy was so hard to look at with her fishface and constant crying and snotting all over the place. And Amber constantly saying "Dude". Wtf? She's 37! And when she told Brett, "I'm not wearing any underwear" and did that creepy little girl giggle, I literally cringed. UNDERWEAR? Even Brett the had the sense to say "Panties". She is the least Sexy ho in the ho pen and there is NO WAY this is going to last. There has GOT to be a ROL 3.
The only thing remotely entertaining about this 2nd season was Chickbombs hillarious reviews and Flasher. God I miss her flashing her tatters and wreaking havok.
9 of 23 | Posted by Asterick | Posted on April 15, 2008 7:59 PM
If you go to YouTube, there's a little bit of footage of the Heather v. Daisy smackdown from the reunion show. (What is Heather doing there, exactly? She's now officially a cast member of both seasons?) You can also find footage of Ambre Lake, Television Host.
This episode almost made me feel sorry for Muppet. She looked rode hard/put away wet, she puked on camera, she ruined her date, AND she acted like a sullen teenager. It was a bad trip for her.
Speaking of which, what else happened on her date? It seems like they went out, did no fishing, came right back, and suddenly it was nighttime and she was changing for dinner.
Great recaps. He got his rock of _____ , we got our rock of lame. Bret is the greatest Man Ho of them all. Until Vince Neil or Tommy Lee gets his own show. Seriously. Tommy Lee, starring in "Rocks Off." IMAGINE the ho roster lining up for that one.
10 of 23 | Posted by Memememe | Posted on April 15, 2008 9:13 PM
I actually like Ambre. I'm going to miss Daisy's multiple breakdowns...nothing else like it! Maybe I'm just in a romantic mood, but I actually hope that Ambre and Bret end up having some semblance of a relationship.
11 of 23 | Posted by dani2526 | Posted on April 15, 2008 9:58 PM
The humid weather was really unkind to both hos. Frizzy hair, shiny skin. I think Bret could do better than either of them. I can't believe how likeable he seems! For a total man-ho he seems like a decent guy. I hope they do an ROL 3 because I will miss this show.
12 of 23 | Posted by BRaps | Posted on April 16, 2008 6:47 AM
Thanks ChickBomb! You're recaps always brighten my day!
According to Ambre's exit interview her and Brett are still "dating." We shall see...
Can't wait for Flasher Mania 2008!
13 of 23 | Posted by taters | Posted on April 16, 2008 6:52 AM
I go back and forth between thinking that Daisy wanted to date a rocker because that's the phase she's in, and that Daisy really just wanted to be saved and have someplace to belong. Maybe a combination of both. I can't help wondering why she was so convinced she was in love with him from so early on when, as she said herself to Bret, the only connection they really had was physical.
All in all, I really just pity her. She clearly is a little girl stuck in a woman's body, doing all the things you think at thirteen are the "sexy" ways of being seen as a grown-up but are really just not to be taken seriously. She seems like a good kid, just immature and rather lost.
As for Ambre, I kind of lost some respect for her this episode when she just kept tearing into Daisy. At 37, she at least should be mature enough to refrain from that.
14 of 23 | Posted by mandymax | Posted on April 16, 2008 9:07 AM
On VH1 there is additional footage with Bret and Daisy that took place after the boat ride. She tells him she was on a boat before and it turns out that it was a Party cruise and he has also been on these cruises with lots of booze and sex and party girls and so he thinks that Daisy was one of those party girls. No idea why it wasn't on the show cos it filled in a lot of the missing time between the boat date and the dinner date and also explained somewhat why he chose Ambre
15 of 23 | Posted by smithy | Posted on April 16, 2008 9:34 AM
I really do feel bad for Daisy!! She is so the poster child of strippers- separated from her family at 15 and now has no contact with them. Of course she has latched on to her ex-bf and his family-they're the only people she has.
meh to this whole season- I think I watched it just so I could reference the jokes on the soup and read chickbombs recaps. Im ready for ROL3
16 of 23 | Posted by chunkymonkey | Posted on April 16, 2008 9:42 AM
Great recap!
I found it hard to take anyone on this show seriously. I think there was a lot more truth (and houmor) in your takes on it.
A lot of things made my skin crawl, not the least of which was Ambre's "commando" routine!
17 of 23 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on April 16, 2008 12:39 PM
Thanks for great recaps all season.
I didn't see Ambre winning this at all. I thought he would go with daisy, who is beyond pathetic, and beyond gross. I can't wait for the bitch fight in the reunion show.
18 of 23 | Posted by missthing | Posted on April 16, 2008 12:47 PM
Thanks for some fun recaps, ChickBomb!
Did anyone else notice that before Daisy left the room, she put on that necklace Bret gave her, and was even wearing it on the first few seconds of the walk down to the final elim? 'Cause all of a sudden, that necklace disappeared, so I was a little confused. Wonder what that was about?
19 of 23 | Posted by teri00 | Posted on April 16, 2008 2:30 PM
I can't believe soccer mom won but whatever, I didn't really like either ho. There's and interview with Daisy on Metalsludge where she talks a bit about the show and about which girls she hates and doesn't. I'm gonna try to see the other footage on VH1 and hopefully won't feel like too much of a loser. Great recaps as usual, I'm gonna miss this show and the recaps. Can't wait for the reunion.
Also, if there was a Rock of anything with Tommy Lee sign me up!!! :P
20 of 23 | Posted by MichyPR | Posted on April 16, 2008 6:22 PM
Hey CB, I don't post much but I read your recaps religiously. I think the talent pool of reality hos has reached the shallow end. I hope there's a season 3 to redeem this hot mess of a show. I've said before that watching ROL is what it must be like sniffing glue - you know it's stupid, but you just can't stop.
21 of 23 | Posted by warrenpeace | Posted on April 16, 2008 7:46 PM
chickbomb. you rock the casaba with your recaps. when i am in a bad mood. i think tatters and i start to LOL all over the place.
every person that takes part in this show is a complete wackadoo because they are completely delusional to think that this show has any basis in reality. there is no way in hell that bret keeps ambre as his girlfriend or even had an intention of starting a relationship with any one he picked.
he isn't trying to find his rock of love, he is trying to keep himself relevant, so he can keep making money. the reason he picked ambre is because she represents the largest demographic of his fan base.
these reality shows were people are trying to find love are such a joke, but i am totally addicted to watching Rock of Love and the only reason that I can figure out why I do is that my television is hypnotizing me. I am powerless against bret michaels and his hos.
22 of 23 | Posted by reckless_saturn_11 | Posted on April 17, 2008 10:24 AM
AmBrett, eh?
Who knew?
Brilliant recaps, CB -- I'm gonna miss this skanktastic show.
I was dying for the scene where the two women realised they were both given the same damn necklace -- how fucking rude and lame is that? -- but it never transpired...
Watched the reunion last night and I just can't believe how badly Flasher laid into Daisy.
Those loser bouncers just kept holding the two of them within arms reach so Flasher could tear at Daisy's hair!
I truly feel sorry for such a lost, little girl for all the reasons everyone outlined above. The amount of *actual physical abuse* that Daisy copped (and seemed unable to counter or fend off) was pretty despicable.
I know she's a fake, trout-lipped, pneumatic muppet (with a brain also made of felt - ROFLMGDAO!) but I still liked her.
Ambre was a huge faker and all that goofy, girlish excitement was the worst acting I've seen for a long time.
Rock of LAME!
Thank god for ChickBomb.
23 of 23 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on April 22, 2008 2:24 PM