Muppet takes off early, and falls early. It doesn't take long for the Derby Skanks to catch up, and beat the crap out of Baby Bret. Muppet comments that she didn't know you could punch the baby. Cause that's what Lacey's doing. Oh no, she's not crazy. Anyway, at the end of the whole thing, Granny tells us that their stroller looked like a semi truck hit it (if this was Original Granny Rodeo, I'd have inserted a comment about how a semi truck 'that she no doubt drove for a year out in Texarkana' but this new Granny...more of like a waitress-at-a-truck-stop type.
The next team is the red team of Farmgirl Jessica, Token Roxy, Rode Hard Peyton and ol' Cross Eyes. Their strategy is to let Peyton get ahead, and have everyone else just get in the Derby Dolls' way. This strategy doesn't net them any better results than the pink team. Rode Hard gets rode harder as the roller skanks slam into her. Watching a ho get the crap beat out of her for him is, of course, a turn on for Bret. Normally, I would maybe say something about this sort of misogynist attitude, but with this group...hey, it's his show.
These Derby hos are tough! Psycho Lacey keeps punching Baby Bret, and Scary Frenchy points out that one of them ripped off Baby Bret's arm. Do they always have so much angst or are they Rock of Love casting rejects gone mad with unrequited love for Bret? Captain Herpes is the ultimate ROL reject, and she seems to be leading the beat-the-crap-out-of-Baby-Bret charge.
Bring us your hungry, bring us your poor...
The last team is the blue team, starring Germy Joe, Manly Aubrey, International Inna and Scary Frenchy. This team rocks, thanks to Germy Joe. Germy whizzes around the track. The big roller skanks knock her around a little bit, but their baby comes out the least unscathed.
"Dr." Franklin examines the baby for damage, and gives his diagnosis. The pink team's Baby Bret is dead. The red team's Baby Bret was beaten retarded. But the blue team's Baby Bret was beaten just enough to render it "rock star"! The blue team wins!
Scary, Manly and Inna get the group date that night, and MVP Germy Joe gets a private date the next day. Back at the house, Token Roxy is once again complaining about not getting the chance to hang out with Bret. Well by all means, just keep whining sweetie, that should bring opportunity around in a jiff! Granny 2.0 tells Token to use her VIP pass, dummy! But Token wants to save for a later time. Like for the scrapbook of the experience that she'll have plenty of time to work on after she's eliminated? But Token says all she can do is wait see what happens. I'll tell you what happens - chase after him on his dating show, get sent home. No waiting necessary for the end of that story.
The other hos are making social like in the kitchen, and Germy Joe makes some kind of comment about how Granny 2.0 didn't do a good job at the roller derby, especially considering she's a Mom. What the hell does being a Mom have to do with your ability to dodge smelly hos while pushing your baby on roller skates? Muppet defends the pink team, saying she thinks they did a damn good job. Well, not really, but it was no more Granny's fault than anyone else's.
Ah, if all closed captioning was this rich.
For the group date, Bret and the hos are off to Forty Deuce, a burlesque club. Frenchy is very excited, cause she's a streeper. Something tells me that Frenchy excited is a sight that I do not want to see, and oh man, does she prove me right. But before she does, we learn that they will have a private burlesque dance by one of the pros first, then they each get their own turn on stage. Manly is excited because it turns out she's a dancer. Manly has made the very wise choice to wear a porkpie hat that covers half her face, and let me tell you...biiiiig improvement.
After the private dance, the Forty Deuce bitch gives the hos a quick little burlesque lesson. Scary Frenchy exclaims that all she wants to do is get naked! AHHHH!! I told you I was scared of this. The Forty Deuce babe gives her a withering and tells her, "It's art." Sorry burlesque artiste, but l really don't think Scary gets that.
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Comments (11)
Would someone please tell me where else I've seen Megan? I KNOW she was on another reality show. Which one?! It's driving me nuts!
1 of 11 | Posted by jellybean | Posted on February 3, 2008 9:39 PM
jellybean:
Megan was on Beauty and the Geek and I think she and her partner won.
She really played up the "I've changed" bit for that show...but she has shown her true colors here with her 8th grade "warn me when you're not wearing make-up" crap. What a joke.
2 of 11 | Posted by realitee | Posted on February 3, 2008 10:26 PM
Megan was on Beauty and the Geek, and she was the winner I believe.
Great recap CB! But I am so far still quite disappointed with this season of ROL. It just doesn't have that spark of last season. I can't wait till Flasher shows up (and I strongly suspect she is moving into the house).
3 of 11 | Posted by Tigermilk | Posted on February 3, 2008 10:27 PM
"and then this disaster of a date is done."
Ahh-some alliteration, there, CB.
That recap was ahh-some.
The screencaps were ahh-some.
Everything was ahh-some.
I, too, will miss Scary Frenchy. She was all kinds of entertaining.
4 of 11 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 4, 2008 1:45 AM
yes, megan was the winner on B&G. i actually really came around to her on that show and was happy she won. she's pretty annoying so far on this show, but i still have some love for her because of the way she busted her ass on a few challenges toward the end. anyone remember her down-and-dirty herding sheep in a bikini moment? that's my kinda girl.
great recap, chickbomb. your granny portraits and captions kill me.
and big ups to the people at vh1 who subtitle in an accent. it never ceases to entertain.
5 of 11 | Posted by internetsensation | Posted on February 4, 2008 9:20 AM
I nearly fell off the couch when Bret called Inna the "Ukranian Love Tank." That is so not a compliment.
6 of 11 | Posted by Mandymax | Posted on February 4, 2008 11:51 AM
This season is so bogus. Nothing but a bunch of trannies and trailer park wannabes. At least you could see why Bret would be attracted to people like One S Jes, Flasher and BB from season One. This crop all looks pretty 'rode hard' to me. Granny 2.0, those rings on your neck! AGH! Like counting rings on the trunk of a tree.
I am looking forward to Flasher's return. I'm half hoping Bret will pull a Flavor Flav and ask Flasher to return to the House of Herpes as a contestant again. That would really liven things up.
CB, the "bring us your poor" caption was nothing short of brilliant. It's what keeps me coming back for more of your recaps, no matter how snoozefest the show has gotten. Keep it up!
7 of 11 | Posted by TheGreatAndPowerfulShaz | Posted on February 4, 2008 12:36 PM
Great recap. The skating parts were intense and sexy.
I, too, kept thinking I recognized Megan from somewhere... and remembering only that I liked her, whereever that was.
8 of 11 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on February 5, 2008 10:22 AM
Megan is from Beauty and the Geek, she won the first or second season. Great recap, because of your recaps, I watch the show and I'm addicted.
9 of 11 | Posted by htpnk10 | Posted on February 6, 2008 8:05 AM
Hey TVGasm Addicts! Email me for a link to an exclusive interview with Angelique!
10 of 11 | Posted by BillBenway | Posted on February 6, 2008 10:45 AM
this season totally isn't as watchable as the first one. i haven't even been wasting time watching the shows- i know where it's at. i head right for the recaps. keep on rocking, chickbomb.
11 of 11 | Posted by xpedestrianx | Posted on February 20, 2008 6:33 AM