Shemale Inna dances first. Bret calls her his "Ukrainian Love Tank". Did he call her a tank? Surely this is not a compliment. As she crawls around on the floor, Bret says that she sucks as a burlesque dancer, but she's sexy. Final consensus? Turn on. Manly wants to show her sexy side. Just show your female side first, please. Don't get ahead of yourself there, bandana. Something tells Bret that Manly's going to be good at burlesque. She does an alright job.
But extra points for being able to pee your name in the snow.
And then...it's Frenchy's turn. She's decked out in a nightgown with cutouts, but it's only on her body for about three seconds before she chucks it off. Bret compliments her ass. Shemale says Frenchy looks like a clown, and laughs at her. Bret's kind of laughing too, but he tries to be nice about it. Her body is smoking hot, he concedes, but she's either an exhibitionist, or she's got a screw loose. Meanwhile, Frenchy writhes around totally naked on the floor, telling us confidently that she knows he wants her so bad.
And it turns out, naked is against the rules at Forty Deuce! The group gets yelled at by the owner, but Frenchy isn't bothered. "Of course I have to get naked," she explains logically.
Don't change a thing.
Back at the Ho Hotel, Farmgirl and Butterface, who need their clique like normal people need oxygen, are mad that Germy Joe is talking shit on Granny. Germy is deceptive, we are told. Probably, but whatever, at least she's entertaining. Somehow, Bisexual Destiney gets involved and confronts Germy. It turns out into all out war, with the cleque of hos literally ganged up on Germy. Butterface tells Germy that she looks scary, and needs to warn them when she doesn't have makeup on. Stupid and mean, always a delightful combination.
When Bret and the on-the-date skanks get back to the house, they're ready to party. But wait! Someone's crying in the bathroom. It's Germy Joe. Manly goes to find her, and laments the fact that Germy doesn't have higher self-esteem. They talk about how vicious the other hos are, and then they snuggle. I feel like Manly is transitioning to Rock of Love with Germy Joe.
The next morning, Germy Joe is wearing the same sports bra she was wearing around the house in last night. I notice this for two reasons - one, change your clothes, girl! And two, if you were competing for love in Bret Michaels' den of sin, wouldn't you want to ho it up a little bit? Sports bra and no makeup? That's not how you play.
Hos in Prison
Anyway, the winning date is that she gets to plan the date. I would gotten on the phone, made a reservation and spent the rest of the day pampering and getting tarted up, but Germy Joe opts for the steak cooking and beer barbeque at the house...with the rest of the hos watching. Big mistake to keep it home, cause Destiney comes up with the evil plan to interrupt Germy and Bret's date with her VIP pass. Then she convinces Muppet to do the same. Of course Token Roxy sees no need to interrupt his date, he'll see her on his own time. Again, excellent strategy. Just keep sitting there doing nothing. Surely he will come right to you.
Bret is excited for his date with Germy Joe. She has indeed prepared quite a spread for him, and he thanks her for a "awesome!" meal. He's so glad their having their date, and then they talk a bunch of contrived nonsense about "putting your heart out there." You know Bret loves that hokey shit.
But oh boy, Germy wasn't playing about putting it out there...turns out she's been married twice! AND she's still legally married! You can practically see Bret's head about to spin off his neck. Just when she gets to the part about nothing to worry about cause of the restraining order and annulment, Destiney comes prancing up with her VIP pass, decked out in a shiny, metallic blue bikini. I'm not talking any shit on it, cause after a great deal of effort, I finally just scored one of the last produced bottles of Chanel Blue Satin nail polish, and the color bears a striking resemblance to Destiney's slutwear. And bottom line, I'm convinced Blue Satin is a new classic, and I'm not sure what that means for Destiney's bikini, but I don't think it's proper to talk shit on it at this juncture.
Also, she can burn me alive with her fire breath.
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Comments (11)
Would someone please tell me where else I've seen Megan? I KNOW she was on another reality show. Which one?! It's driving me nuts!
1 of 11 | Posted by jellybean | Posted on February 3, 2008 9:39 PM
jellybean:
Megan was on Beauty and the Geek and I think she and her partner won.
She really played up the "I've changed" bit for that show...but she has shown her true colors here with her 8th grade "warn me when you're not wearing make-up" crap. What a joke.
2 of 11 | Posted by realitee | Posted on February 3, 2008 10:26 PM
Megan was on Beauty and the Geek, and she was the winner I believe.
Great recap CB! But I am so far still quite disappointed with this season of ROL. It just doesn't have that spark of last season. I can't wait till Flasher shows up (and I strongly suspect she is moving into the house).
3 of 11 | Posted by Tigermilk | Posted on February 3, 2008 10:27 PM
"and then this disaster of a date is done."
Ahh-some alliteration, there, CB.
That recap was ahh-some.
The screencaps were ahh-some.
Everything was ahh-some.
I, too, will miss Scary Frenchy. She was all kinds of entertaining.
4 of 11 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 4, 2008 1:45 AM
yes, megan was the winner on B&G. i actually really came around to her on that show and was happy she won. she's pretty annoying so far on this show, but i still have some love for her because of the way she busted her ass on a few challenges toward the end. anyone remember her down-and-dirty herding sheep in a bikini moment? that's my kinda girl.
great recap, chickbomb. your granny portraits and captions kill me.
and big ups to the people at vh1 who subtitle in an accent. it never ceases to entertain.
5 of 11 | Posted by internetsensation | Posted on February 4, 2008 9:20 AM
I nearly fell off the couch when Bret called Inna the "Ukranian Love Tank." That is so not a compliment.
6 of 11 | Posted by Mandymax | Posted on February 4, 2008 11:51 AM
This season is so bogus. Nothing but a bunch of trannies and trailer park wannabes. At least you could see why Bret would be attracted to people like One S Jes, Flasher and BB from season One. This crop all looks pretty 'rode hard' to me. Granny 2.0, those rings on your neck! AGH! Like counting rings on the trunk of a tree.
I am looking forward to Flasher's return. I'm half hoping Bret will pull a Flavor Flav and ask Flasher to return to the House of Herpes as a contestant again. That would really liven things up.
CB, the "bring us your poor" caption was nothing short of brilliant. It's what keeps me coming back for more of your recaps, no matter how snoozefest the show has gotten. Keep it up!
7 of 11 | Posted by TheGreatAndPowerfulShaz | Posted on February 4, 2008 12:36 PM
Great recap. The skating parts were intense and sexy.
I, too, kept thinking I recognized Megan from somewhere... and remembering only that I liked her, whereever that was.
8 of 11 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on February 5, 2008 10:22 AM
Megan is from Beauty and the Geek, she won the first or second season. Great recap, because of your recaps, I watch the show and I'm addicted.
9 of 11 | Posted by htpnk10 | Posted on February 6, 2008 8:05 AM
Hey TVGasm Addicts! Email me for a link to an exclusive interview with Angelique!
10 of 11 | Posted by BillBenway | Posted on February 6, 2008 10:45 AM
this season totally isn't as watchable as the first one. i haven't even been wasting time watching the shows- i know where it's at. i head right for the recaps. keep on rocking, chickbomb.
11 of 11 | Posted by xpedestrianx | Posted on February 20, 2008 6:33 AM