Welcome back to another week of Rock of Love. I think we're in a slump. All these hos do is whine and cry. No one's puking in the hot tub, nobody's fighting, and the stripper pole has three layers of dust on it. But tonight is the Mudbowl, when these hos have a real opportunity to get dirty and naked and bring this show back to life! So let's see what happens.
Take that fire as a hint and toss those boots, Granny.
Well, it's the morning after Manly Aubrey's ultimate sacrifice for her lesbian lover, Germy Joe. And now, Germy wants us to know that her heart is invested. Rode Hard Peyton is getting worried that she hasn't spent much time with Bret - she says if she doesn't make headway now, it could be too late. Granny 2.0 is another one who's nervous - it's only her and Farmgirl Jessica who haven't had dates with him.
Big John calls the hos down to read the clue for the day - it's something about getting dirty. Granny tells us she's not afraid to get dirty. Granny's a Montana girl, she boasts, and she's been getting dirty her whole life. I just love this show, when else would your eagerness to get dirty help you get ahead? The skanks have been issued little outfits, shorts and sports bras. Everybody thinks it's got to be football, but Muppet isn't sure. Wouldn't they have shoulder pads, she wonders?
I remember back when they invented dirt. I'd just roll around in it and think to myslef "the future is now!"
But sure enough, it's the Bret's Mudbowl - Part Two! Muppet's nervous. She's never played football before, and she doesn't want to get her ass kicked. They'll be split up into two teams. The winners get a group date, and the MVP of the team gets a solo date that night. One more thing, there's nine of them, so one girl is going to be left out of the game, and won't have any chance at a date this week. And of course, Bret will be the quarterback for both teams. Cause he's awesome.
Then he proudly reminds the hos that he's from Pittsburgh, where they have four seasons. Some of the girls start to look confused. Seasons? Four of them? Are we going to be tested on this? But it is soon made clear, as Bret tells them that he'll be playing God, and instructs Big John to "let there be rain!" And it rains! Same trick with wind and snow. Ooooooh! A weather machine! That's actually pretty cool. But not to be playing muddy football in.
Bret chooses Granny 2.0 as captain of The Sweethearts and Bisexual Destiney as captain of The Fallen Angels. He tells them to choose their teams wisely, and to pick the most frustrated, cause they'll play the hardest. Bisexual chooses SheMale Inna, Germy Joe and Muppet. Granny chooses Cross Eyed Soccer Mom, Rode Hard Peyton and Farmgirl Jessica. Butterface Megan is left out in the cold. She says she's happy she doesn't have to play football, she just wants to tan.
That's a loser's attitude, Butterface, Bret likes a sporty ho.
Sure enough, Bret says that he is looking for strategy, athleticism and skills. And then the game gets underway, and according to Bret, it's insane. Ugh, do I really have to recap a skanky, muddy football game? Cross Eyed Soccer Mom tells us she's ready and that she has no fear. She makes two touchdowns. Yay. Bisexual is frustrated with her team, especially SheMale Inna, who has now been re-christened Bret's Ukrainian Love Bus.
Butterface chimes in from the sidelines that watching was entertaining. Shut up Butterface, no one wanted you on their team cause you're lame and annoying. Muppet is trying to keep everyone's head in the game, and then Germy Joe makes a touchdown. Muppet is telling everyone to gang up on Cross Eyed Soccer Mom, and they do and it works.
Farmgirl runs around like twinkle toes and fumbles the ball easily. Then, Bret throws the ball to Muppet, who holds onto it for dear life. She doesn't care if she gets hurt. Muppet's hardcore! Bret says she's gone she-wild, and indeed the look in her eyes as she plows through the skanks and the mud is a little scary.
Luckily, some of these hos have enough silicone to cushion an army.
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Comments (12)
I’m trying to think up some ways this season of ROL could be less lame. Even Bret casually dropping lyrics to Poison songs would spice it up considerably. Or bringing out the old pony skin coat for an elimination.
But I think the main flaw of this season is the odd setup of the house. Last season the stripper pole was front and center, and right next to the alcohol. It's tucked in a corner this season.
I love your translations of Bret-speak, CB.
1 of 12 | Posted by Tigermilk | Posted on February 21, 2008 12:08 AM
I think the Muppet overall could come off as attractive, if you don't really look at those blow-up doll lips. But the way she baby-talks in all her interviews, ugh... Yeah, it's surprising that no one is rocking the stripper pole this season. Apparently everyone but the fallen Frenchy wanted to come off as looking "classy".
2 of 12 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on February 21, 2008 4:31 AM
I think all of the changes came because they read how badly everyone looked in last season's recaps. After all, who doesn't read The 'Gasm? Am I right or am I right?
Bret dresses better and the hos stopped puking and stripping. Hmm... that reminds me. Wasn't there a clip from the first episode showing Farm Girl (I think) barfing? Shouldn't that be happening soon because surely that girl isn't going to last very much longer. Maybe things are looking up!
3 of 12 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on February 21, 2008 5:42 AM
Did anyone else notice when Bret and Daisy walked into the trashy lingerie store that the salesgirl told Bret, "Well, you've been here before, you know where everything is"? Why did that not surprise me?
I really like Ambre, to the point where I firmly believe she's way out of Bret's league. She seems to be the only one with any kind of class. And up till this episode, I liked Peyton, but now she's coming off as desperate in her old age. As for Daisy, I think she really actually has feelings for Bret and believes that whatever develops between them is real and authentic - she doesn't realize she's getting played for ratings. I almost feel sorry for her.
LOVED the "Ukrainian Love Bus" upgrade!
4 of 12 | Posted by Mandymax | Posted on February 21, 2008 5:50 AM
"Perhaps, Bop Like Strangers. Yeah, that works." Was hilarious!
Where's Flasher?? I watch every week, knowing that she's going to return.
5 of 12 | Posted by mle428 | Posted on February 21, 2008 11:36 AM
I thought the mud bowl was not only great entertainment, but a good practical test of character.
Really changed my impression of a couple of girls.
Anyone can SAY they really want it... but get it on in the freezing cold mud and we'll see who means it...
LdOL when everyone's first pick didn't know football from Ukrainian horse shoes.
6 of 12 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on February 21, 2008 4:10 PM
I'm really looking forward to having Rodeo back too. I just hope it's more than when Lacey was on. She got one line and other than tackling the girls to get to the baby, she never interacted with the new girls. Where's the DRAMA? Isn't that what Lacey was know for the most. In the clips, Heather seems to do what she does best...drink. Lacey was a let down. Hope the other girls from last season have more screen time.
7 of 12 | Posted by southerntippi | Posted on February 21, 2008 4:43 PM
I may be in the minority, but Daisy kinda grew on me this episode. At first, I didn't see her appeal at all. But I don't know, now I can see how Bret is into her. She is cute, just a "different" kind of cute. I think she just needs to lay off the collagen.
And I thought it couldn't get any worse for Inna when Bret called her his Ukrainian Love Tank a couple episodes ago. But Ukrainian Love BUS?? As hilarious as that was, does he actually think that was a compliment?
I can't wait til Heather visits the house. You know some drama is gonna go down. When is that episode?
8 of 12 | Posted by hollabackboy | Posted on February 21, 2008 6:12 PM
This is definitely one of the funniest recaps you'd written. I don't know how, because the show was fucking LAME. But yeah, good job making ROL2 interesting. Maybe next you can turn water into wine or something? But nothing red. Something white.
I agree, Daisy is growing on me, too. I liked her to begin with, even though she is a bit muppety. I think is an okay girl.
BUT. How AWESOME would it be if he let Flasher back in the house, and she and Daisy had to duke it out for his love for the last few episodes? Priceless.
Also, I want to see farmgirl get drunk and cut loose.
9 of 12 | Posted by dangerdarling | Posted on February 21, 2008 10:21 PM
i think daisy is so creepy looking. i do not understand how brett finds her attractive. granted she has huge (fake) boobs but he face is just rediculous. and did anyone else want to just slap megan across the face becuase shes so annoying?
10 of 12 | Posted by kelseym13 | Posted on February 24, 2008 5:26 PM
God how I wish someone was recapping Flavor of Love 3...I hve to talk to SOMEONE about how their restaurant challenge involved featuring "scrimps" and steak. WTF is a scrimp???
11 of 12 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on February 26, 2008 10:35 AM
^ wintersux, I'm guessing yr question was brhetorical (!) bc a "scrimp" just had to be the way an ignoramus would describe a "shrimp".
I think Muppet Daisy will win. Yes, she's fake and weirdly hot, but she seems like Bret's type (tho I was surprised at how naturally gorgeous last season's winner, Jess?was...)
Plus the Muppet's magnificent determination on the muddy field was quite astonishing.
I am dying to see Butterface Megan's comeuppance. You know it's gonna come around.
I *really* miss crazy Frenchie.
TEAM MUPPET!
12 of 12 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 29, 2008 4:53 PM