Welcome back to Rock of Love! This week, it's the return of one of my all time favorite hos, Grandma Rodeo! And I'm sure some unfortunate choices in western wear. Slap on your airbrushed cowboy hats dolls, and get ready to rock and ride...
Come on, Rode Hard, beauty sleep won't help you this late in the game.
This morning is the hos' worst nightmare - Bret comes in to do the wake up call personally! That's right skanks, he's gonna see you with no makeup and weaves all askew...actually, come to think of it, it will be pretty much like looking at a mirror for him. But still, scary! Rode Hard Peyton does a nosedive into her covers to hide the horror.
Once Bret's done with his trip through the fun house to wake everyone up, Big John requests their presence in the "for-yay". He still can't pronounce it, and I'm still wondering why he can't just call it the hallway. Don't get fancy on my ass BJ, you got nothing to prove.
Afterwards, we will retire to the pantry to forage for a nibble.
Today's clue says that Bret's heart belongs to rock and roll, but he's still a country boy deep down. Something about saddling up, and Granny Catherine 2.0's all aflutter. Granny grew up on horses, she loves horses. She's so 4H. She feels like she finally caught a break, and she's seriously excited. Everyone gets a pair of boots, and they're on their way.
They meet up with Bret at the Ho-K Corral, and Bret warns us that if any of the ladies can't handle themselves in the corral, they won't be riding off into the sunset with lil' ol' him. Again, I'm out. Hand me a tissue, so I can stop the tears from flowing. He also reminds everyone that the only way he gets to out with them is if they win challenges and win dates. Granny says it's just her and Farmgirl Jess who are the only two who haven't had dates with him yet. We know, we know.
Then Bret introduces us to a woman of "insanity and stature" - and we are in a rodeo after all...and it's Original Grandma Rodeo! Grandma comes streaming out on her horse with her crazy cackle. Yee haw! Can she bring this Coma of Love back to life? First she tells the hos they look great, then she says "NOT!", then she tells them she was playing and they look beautiful. Whew.
I will be making coffee mugs that say "HO DOWN" and selling them on Ebay. I am a business woman! Bwahahahahahah!!!
Grandma tells us how to play rodeo. First event is roping a steer, and second event is barrel riding around the already-let-go hos, or as they call it, "Fallen Angels" - Fallen Angel is another Poison classic. Bret's gonna take his residuals where he can get 'em, you know. The final event has to do with stealing away bandanas off greased pigs. Greased pigs. You've got to really want this old rocker. I mean really, really want him.
Bret and Rodeo tell the hos to pick team captains, and after much, much discussion, it's Granny 2.0 and Cross Eyed Soccer Mom Ambre. They do a scientific round of Rock, Paper, Scissors to determine who gets first pick of teammate. Granny takes it, and she thinks it's all gonna go her way. Granny's team is Muppet Daisy, Rode Hard Peyton and SheMale Inna. CESM's team is Germy Joe, Bisexual Destiney and Farmgirl Jessica.
And guess who's left out in the cold again? That's right, it's Butterface Megan. Of course she tells us it's on account of her hotness. No, actually hon, when no one wants you on their team, it's cause they don't like you. Bret politely informs her that cause all the other skanks hate her, and last week she didn't even get a chance to compete for a date, Butterface can pick her own team. Butterface isn't deaf or stupid, and she's heard Granny Mountain carrying on all day about horses, horses, horses, so she chooses Team Granny.
Don't hate me because I'm kinda almost sorta pretty in a way.
Granny tells us she's doing the barrel racing - "no brainer", she throws in confidently, and they're "gonna destroy 'em". She tells us she has the dream team. You know, Rock of Love tricked me with this a few weeks ago during the motorcycle challenge, so normally I'd say they were setting us up for Team Granny to lose, but now who knows. Sneaky producers, throwing us off the scent of "reality".
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Comments (14)
"He doesn't say whether any of them contracted any herpes though. I'm assuming they did, he just didn't want to highlight it."
snicker snicker -- funny stuff! Also the part about Muppet vs the pigs with doctorates......
What was all this crap about Granny being such a natural horse person? She looked like a fucking sack of potatoes bouncing around on the back of that horse.
AND she went the wrong way around the barrel (right?)
I am not surprised she lost the challenge.
1 of 14 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 29, 2008 5:10 PM
Opaque was also featured in Top Chef. I was s'posed to go there as part of a promotion for that crappy vampire movie 30 Days of Night, but didn't get to go.
I found out later it was extremely lame AND they didn't even trim and clean up the food they served. As my colleague observed, "How are you supposed to cut all the fat off the lamb if it's pitch dark?"
Bleagh!
2 of 14 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 29, 2008 5:14 PM
"Ah well, at least now you can go back to being David Bowie's stand in."
loves it.
Also, I can't help but thinking that Granny might have actually had a shot if she had gotten her a nice, shoulder length reverse bob (sounds like a sex position, folks, but it's a hair cut, I swear.). She could have left it a tiny bit long to detract attention from her neck (not being a bitch, but hey..it happens as we age.)
Seriously, picture her with a different haircut. She's not THAT bad...(Frenchy and Peyton)
You know my uncle Jim was once describing a homely girl to me, saying "Bless her heart, that girl looks like her face was on fire, and somebody put it out with an axe."
Uncle Jim was kind of an asshole, now that I think about it. But he was cool.
3 of 14 | Posted by dangerdarling | Posted on February 29, 2008 7:05 PM
Uh, sorry for the jumbled mess that was my comment. I know nothing of your fancy "grammar" and "subject verb agreement."
Cold medicine. Oh well.
4 of 14 | Posted by dangerdarling | Posted on February 29, 2008 7:12 PM
BTW, CB I'm sure you are well aware the correct pronunciation of 'foyer' is 'fwa-yay', so he's tres close.
5 of 14 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 29, 2008 7:34 PM
"Coma of love" ha ha. Very true.
What grinds my gears is how they've been pushing the return of past rockettes and so far they have only appeared for 3 minutes and a couple sentences. Rodeo and Lacy only remind me how boring the chicks are this year compared to last season.
Did they even show Rodeo and Bret deliberating? I didn't see her when Bret made the announcement for the MVP.
Let Flasher make me believe in this show again!
6 of 14 | Posted by Tigermilk | Posted on February 29, 2008 7:56 PM
Opaque was also featured in an episode of "Hell's Kitchen" last season.
As always ChickBomb, funny recap.
7 of 14 | Posted by Niecy | Posted on February 29, 2008 9:35 PM
"She says they got really close (they did it) and she felt a connection (she got off) and she's scared (of STDs)." Had me rolling!
I can't begin to say how happy and relieved I am to not have to look at Granny's horrible hair any longer! Every week my wife and I stared at her and couldn't understand what she must have on him to not have been one of the first to go. Thank you Brett for delivering my sanity. It only took you 37 episodes...
8 of 14 | Posted by Anonymous | Posted on March 1, 2008 11:06 AM
I agree - Grandma could actually be pretty if she got rid of those GD feathered bangs and cut her hair! there is no reason for anyone's hair to be that long!! and i mean, when i saw the black pantyhose and silver shoes i almost died for her...awful! This season is so much lamer than last...not enough drama and drunkeness.
9 of 14 | Posted by yankeesfan | Posted on March 3, 2008 7:41 AM
Great recap as usual, but how about making them a little more timely, seems like its taking you longer and longer each week. Thanks!!
10 of 14 | Posted by runswithscissors | Posted on March 3, 2008 8:15 AM
The breakfast "date" was so clearly scripted - does Bret REALLY sleep (and fake snore) with cameras rolling in his bedroom at all times, just in case someone comes to knock on his door and offer him breakfast in bed?
I've got to hand it to Kristy Joe for playing the game so well - it's pissing everyone off, but it's obviously WORKING. She's just more subtle about it than Lacey was.
And I really think Daisy's truly in love with him. Poor girl's in for a rude awakening when the cameras go away. I kind of feel sorry for her.
11 of 14 | Posted by mandymax | Posted on March 3, 2008 10:57 AM
Great recap, I am a little disapointed with this season as a whole. It has been remarkably tame. Opaque itself wasnt featured but in season 8 of C.S.I. there was an episode called a la cart that featured a generic version of a dark dining restaurant. I want flasher to come back something aweful. She was cheated last season!
12 of 14 | Posted by CHRISW78 | Posted on March 4, 2008 10:27 AM
Brother dearest: I am with you on wanting Flasher to come back. Who would have though that we would miss 80's hair and stripper gowns?
CB: The beauty sleep screengrab made me fall out of the chair laughing.
13 of 14 | Posted by shan_evans | Posted on March 4, 2008 12:49 PM
I so agree with Yankeesfan.
When I first saw Grandma, I thought...Hey, Did they rescue GINGER from Gilligan's Island?
Grandma's hair could use a big over haul and she might actually look pretty good.
I DID NOT get those bangs that were cut all around the top of her head in a big circle.
Overall, it seemed like she wandered onto the wrong show.
I kinda felt bad for her when she walked away in her white shoes and dark stockings. It was such a Cry For Help!
I guess I'm obsessed with everyone's hair. Bret is sporting a new 'do this season. Looks like a wig...a cheap one...synthetic or something. Check it out when the light hits it...it's like DYNEL or some cheap material.
I'd love to see that cowboy hat AND bandanna get pulled off in one of these contests they do. I was rooting for the hair to come off with the game of mud football or whatever that was.
I like Bret. Kind of low standards for the gals.
But he probably figures...Hey this gig beats the hell out of doing the Casino Circuit!
As Bret would say....
Me Likey!
14 of 14 | Posted by rhoda | Posted on March 5, 2008 3:55 AM