Welcome back to Rock of Love! This week, we get patriotic, there's a big fight and I change horses. Wait, I never really had a horse here. I'm still waiting for the second coming of Flasher. But I do change my mind about one of the hos. Pour a shot (or nine) and come along...
Glad to see Sally Jesse Raphael hasn't given up on us.
The first thing I notice when we get back with our hos is the jumbo sized Bret Brew beer can in the backyard. I don't know how I missed this! A huge, blow-up beer can in the yard must be some special feng shui for 80's rockers, much like a water feature is for most people. Or like a huge, diamond encrusted bottle of Veuve would be for me.
The Incredible Shrinking Woman is a drunk raspy voiced slut.
The first ho we catch up with is SheMale Inna. SheMale's worried that she and Bret have lost their connection. Has the Ukrainian Love Tank run out of gas? She makes an appearance at the pool, where Bret is busy pretending he actually spent the night and wasn't bussed in from his McMansion in the Valley, and tells him of her concerns.
SheMale's never been in the situation where she likes someone, but she has to share him. Bret sympathizes, but points out that he has to get to know everybody. He tells us that at first, SheMale was great energy, great attitude, and lots of fun. But now, she's dropping out on him. He tells her he doesn't need a parade, or a sign outside his window - a television show named after him will do just fine - but he needs her to step up to the plate and take a swing.
Later that morning, Big John tells the hos to gather in the living room, which I am happy to report he correctly pronounces, for the day's clue. Muppet Daisy reads it. It's something about red, white and blue, cause Bret's patriotic. The hos are stumped, but then Bret appears to tell them to get ready and meet him in the "Grand Hall". Fancy, fancy. But I'm having a hard time reconciling the "Grand Hall" with the huge blow-up beer can in the yard. It's like calling the little part of the trailer where the ho does a drunken striptease "The Ballroom".
When they arrive at the Hall of Grandness, the skanks are greeted by hula-hoops, puppets, a drum and two older ladies. One of them is dressed age and rocker appropriately in a leopard print top and white slacks. The other is in a leotard with high cut sides. Listen lady, it didn't work for Madonna, and it doesn't work for you. But it's a trip to look at.
You're never too old for herpes.
Bret reminds the hos that he and Big John support their troops - in fact, he just got back from a trip to Iraq where he played some shows for them. You just know he hung out for hours afterwards, drinking beers and shooting the shit with the troops fighting for us, and that's why Barbie wig and all, you can't help but love the guy.
Well, the two gentlewomen are Shirley and Arlene, and they've been performing for the troops since 1956! Today, the seven remaining skanks will be split into three groups of two, and one solo act, and create a USO style performance. A patriotic singing and dancing challenge! Finally, something I can get behind! This could get interesting.
Butterface Megan teams up with Farmgirl Jessica to do the hula-hoop. Bisexual Destiney and SheMale Inna team up to a dance. Germy Joe knows that no one wants to play with her, but Cross Eyed Soccer Mom Ambre, who surely was the nice girl in school who invited everyone to her birthday party, sucks it up and joins Germy. This leaves Muppet on her own to sing. Muppet is ecstatic to be on her own with a song, but I'm remembering her breathy, off-key peep show routine, and I'm not so sure this was the best plan.
Don't get too cocky. Janis is nothing without Monster.
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Comments (18)
Kristy Joe…please, poor man’s Cool Sam from ROL 1. And I just loved how Bret asks the girls to talk shit and once they begin fighting, he gets pissed and leaves. That's almost as awesome as when he pretends he picks out the date activities.
And CESM profusely apologizing and fretting about losing KJ’s friendship, I’m going to paraphrase Jade from ANTM and say, “this is Rock.Of.Love., not Friendship of Love honey.” I actually applauded Kristy Joe’s nonchalance on this one.
But big improvement over the rest of the season nonetheless. Flasher is this show's savior! Great recap CB.
1 of 18 | Posted by Tigermilk | Posted on March 5, 2008 1:37 PM
i hope you werent being serious about the "blow up beer can"....
2 of 18 | Posted by chrispeycreme | Posted on March 5, 2008 7:45 PM
I like Jessica, but I don't think she will win. I like CESM by default, because everyone else in the house gets on my fucking nerves so much. Daisy didn't get much camera time, which makes me think she may be winning some stuff soon.
I knew Inna was one of those butterface (uh, butterbodies?) that he kept only to cut later in the season. After watching enough of these shows, you can figure out a kind of formula as to who they will really keep, and who is only around to cut later, when shit starts going down. I think Kristy Joe or Destiny may go home soon.
In it to win it are CESM and Dasiy.
3 of 18 | Posted by dangerdarling | Posted on March 5, 2008 9:18 PM
Let me retract that- I think he will bring flasher back, and possibly pick her for the win.
4 of 18 | Posted by dangerdarling | Posted on March 5, 2008 9:24 PM
The Daisy critiques are perfect and accurate. Watching her string a sentence together is more painful than watching "Ultraviolet". While sober. Kristy Jo is not even interesting anymore. At least Cool Sam was... Cool, and had her great send-off makeout ho-ment. Destiney looks a little like Lucy Lawless to me in the face. CESMombre is delightful, as is the surprise that is Farmgirl. I think a great source of comedy would be to watch a debate about an intellectual topics between Daisy and Butterface. I don't know who'd win, other than the viewers.
5 of 18 | Posted by MidwestNomad | Posted on March 5, 2008 10:42 PM
Am I crazy or does it look like someone pasted Joan River's face onto the smokin' body that's working the stripper pole in the last picture??
6 of 18 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on March 6, 2008 3:47 AM
Also, were these girls home-schooled or what? Megan has never heard of the Preamble?? In the state I live in, you have to pass a test on the Constitution just to past EIGHTH FRICKIN' GRADE!!! And Daisy has never sung the National Anthem...okay, not only has she apparently not attended school, but it seems she's never gone to a sports event either. Does the hotness really excuse the total moronitude???
7 of 18 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on March 6, 2008 3:54 AM
Oh crap...I meant "pass 8th grade", not "past 8th grade". Anyway...
8 of 18 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on March 6, 2008 3:56 AM
I don't think it is a definite that Butterface went to school past the 8th grade.
9 of 18 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on March 6, 2008 4:34 AM
I really like Ambre. She comes across as a very sincere, very independent, totally un-fake person who'd be fun to hang out with, and I liked the fact that she felt she'd disrespected Kristy Joe by not talking to her first - she understands how you should treat people. On the other hand, I cringed when she said, "I spoke my mind, and that may have cost me." In other words, I said what I thought, and now he may not like me anymore. Ambre just set women back about two-hundred years.
In saying that he took full responsibility for not spending any time with "this girl" this past week before he called Daisy down, that told me right there that Bret's already chosen Daisy. And Daisy really seems gone on him. Does she really think he's actually in this to "find love"? Does she even know about the chick waiting at home with his two kids?
I thought the same thing about Megan, Jessica, and Daisy, when they didn't know the Preamble or the National Anthem - did they not go to school? Personally, I was extremely offended by the entire thing. I'm a staunch supporter of the troops and have incredible respect for veterans, and it was such an insult for these girls to show their ignorance of the Constitution and the National Anthem to the veterans, mouth off to the USO women, and essentially make a joke out of the whole thing by slutting it up and not taking it seriously. That really bothered me.
*off soapbox now*
10 of 18 | Posted by mandymax | Posted on March 6, 2008 6:59 AM
What bothers me is that these girls really think they have nice bodies. There were so many flabby stomachs and flat asses. Only Daisy and KJ have the right to wear bikinis. But their faces w/o any make-up on, Yikes.
11 of 18 | Posted by Poopsicle | Posted on March 6, 2008 7:53 AM
The problem with Germy Joe is that she probably grew up in a small town where she was usually the prettiest girl in the room, and then moved to the, ahem, "real world" that is the Rock of Love skank castle, and can't handle it. I don't think it's her ex-husband-restraining-order baggage, OR any feelings for Bret that have her so flustered, I think it's suddenly being uncertain of her hotness as compared to those around her. A-NNOY-ING!
12 of 18 | Posted by deliciousminds | Posted on March 6, 2008 8:05 AM
Mandymax wrote: "Ambre just set women back about two-hundred years."
I would agree, except I would say this about any woman who agrees to be on this show. It is only a matter of degrees.
KJ needs to go. She is a one trick (and I'm being generous here) pony.
And bring back the goofy stripper.
SNL did a great send up of the show. My girlfriend LHAO, even though she's never seen ROL.
13 of 18 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on March 6, 2008 10:00 AM
According to the ROL section on VH1.com, Kristy Joe grew up in Newport Beach, CA. I'm an OC girl myself, and there is no shortage of plastic beauty here.
14 of 18 | Posted by mle428 | Posted on March 6, 2008 12:11 PM
poopsicle -- I have to disagree - I think Butterface has a truly rockin' bod (hence the arrogance) and looked spectacular in that custom cut tee -- awwww, no screencap?! :(
Great recap, once again.
Too bad this series pales compared with the first one.
15 of 18 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on March 6, 2008 10:49 PM
I am so glad u brought up the lack of KJ's eyebrows! It has bothered me since the first time they showed her without makeup...she's also pretty unfortunate looking without makeup. Yeah, Destiny and Ina have pretty awful bodies...it was disturbing watching their strip tease. I actually think Ambre has a nice body too though...she's just a little older I think (right?)
16 of 18 | Posted by yankeesfan | Posted on March 7, 2008 7:14 AM
Great recap! :)
Don't worry mandymax, I thought the entire USO-ish show was semi-offensive as well, how does anyone get applauded for messing up half the words to the National Anthem!?!
Although I'm rooting for either Ambre or Jessica, my guess is that Muppet (that is so great) will pull though in the end. 6 more episodes seems like a long way to go though, or is it just me?
17 of 18 | Posted by chelle | Posted on March 7, 2008 1:10 PM
What was up with this USO variety show? Bad fit. Tacky. I respect the vets and those serving.
You gotta love Brett. He's good natured and he'll roll with almost anything. No matter how tacky the dates, the girls, the house, the furnishing, he seems to just roll with it.
I love how he said he can't stand "mediocrisy" in this episode. That's a great made up word.
And my favorite thing of all. When he tells the girl...your tour has ended. I love that ...maybe a different time, different circumstances...
You know Greg Brady taught Marsha how to get rid of a date...you just say...Something Came Up.
18 of 18 | Posted by rhoda | Posted on March 9, 2008 12:08 PM