Alright dolls, this is it - Rock of Love 2! Does anyone else love the logo with the double swords through the heart? Clever! The big news at first is Bret's got new hair! He's traded in the straggly mess he borrowed from Ashlee Simpson, and now he's got smooth, silky locks that he stole from Barbie. He's pretty. So, who's ready to rock?
Rock Out With Your Cock Out Barbie
Bret cruises around LA in a Ferrari while his voice over reminds us of how rich and famous he already is, and this is where I wonder if already things are going to be different. No more tacky yellow taxi cab Harley. What do we make of this? The editors grab a quick cup of coffee while they play the same stock montage they used last year - Bret spinning the microphone around, Bret doing a jump split in mid-air, Bret hopping backwards in sync with his bass player...you know, the usual.
He's toured all over the world, sold 25 million records, hung out with some of the sexiest women in the world, blah, blah, blah, but he needs to find the one woman to compete with his one true love...rock and roll, the bitch goddess. Last season she was the INSATIABLE bitch goddess. Someone's off script. Either that, or rock and roll's getting lazy.
We get a tiny recap of One S Jes bullshitting her way out of Bret's heart, as Flasher Heather looks on. He was really happy that VH1 asked him to help drag their franchise out a little longer, or in his words, "try one more time". As always, he tells us, he's got his Head of Security / Discarded Ho Hoover-er, Big John, with him. We see BJ pushing a wheelbarrow full of beer, schlepping a 48 pack roll of toilet paper up the stairs, and taking the stripper pole for a spin. Dream jobs...hard to find.
Screw ITT Technical Institute, I'm goin' to Hollywood, baby!
Bret pulls up to the house in the fabulous (rented) Ferrari. Here's where he's at in his life, he tells us. He's forty years ol- OK, let's just stop right there. There is no way Bret's forty. I remember my first Poison concert (yes, there was more than one) when I was age - OK, let's just say there's no way he's forty. He's at least forty-five. Someone please Google this and get back to me.
But regardless, if The Ego wants to be forty, whatevs. He's been engaged a few times, but never married. He's always on the road and works really hard (lyrics like "unskinny bop, all night and day" don't sell themselves, you know), and he admits it's hard to be his girlfriend. Well, yeah, it's tough competing with that sixteenth minute of second wind reality show fame.
So, he concludes, this girl must be pretty special. And cut to...THE HOS!
It's like a Debutante Ball.
The first one tells us in her super sexy voice she's drawn to Bret like a "nun to a convent". She's already in love with Bret, and once he sees her he'll be in love with her too. But not if Ho #2 can help it. She tells us always gets what she wants.
Oh, so you wanted to get rode over by an '86 Camaro, swallow a bunch of gravel, throw on some cheap tin foil jewelry and then come on TV? Interesting choice.
There's a Russian girl, who most likely at some point was a Russian man, who wants to "fuck Bret, then make love to him." Then, there's a bisexual girl who's taken the time to pair a ton of lavender makeup with a lavender tank top - she says if she's not getting it from Bret, she'll find some hot girl to make out with. Not in that house she won't.
And at that, Bret comes cruising through the gates in the hot car! The hos go nuts, and the first of way too many ridiculously named girls named Ambre (that right, AmbRE), tells us how it takes her breath away to see him in real life. Ambre looks a little cross eyed, and sounds like a Midwestern soccer mom. So rather than ponder why AmbER would be spelled AmbRE, I'm just going to christen her...
Cross Eyed Soccer Mom
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Comments (28)
I dunno if anyone realized this, but Butterface Megan was on one of the seasons of Beauty and the Geek. Her and her geek actually won too. I always thought she was really pretty too...but she didn't seem this annoying though.
Not sure who I would root for.....but i like Russian Inna too.
1 of 28 | Posted by jozeyg | Posted on January 16, 2008 4:36 PM
Brett Michaels was born March 15, 1963 in Butler, Pennsylvania. Makes him 45!
2 of 28 | Posted by wornsey | Posted on January 16, 2008 6:30 PM
Actually, Aubry looks like Alexis Arquette to me.
3 of 28 | Posted by southerntippi | Posted on January 16, 2008 7:28 PM
Actually, Aubry looks like Alexis Arquette to me.
4 of 28 | Posted by southerntippi | Posted on January 16, 2008 7:30 PM
Very skankalicious
most of those women are scaaaaaary
"leave brittany aloooone" lol
5 of 28 | Posted by sweetleaf | Posted on January 16, 2008 8:47 PM
Cat Lady Daisy reminds me of a skanky, poor man version of Hilary Duff.
6 of 28 | Posted by gigglesgirlee | Posted on January 16, 2008 10:22 PM
Awesome. Glad I wasn't the only one who made the Janice Muppet/Daisy connection. Still...I think I like her best. I actually liked Jackye (Why, oh why, for the love of god. WHY. WHY spell it Jackye?) best at first. Oh well.
Anyway, good recap. I'm so glad this is back.
7 of 28 | Posted by dangerdarling | Posted on January 16, 2008 10:36 PM
Oh, my God, I missed it! I missed it! How did I miss the first episode???
8 of 28 | Posted by Mandymax | Posted on January 17, 2008 5:50 AM
I was also thinking that Aubry looked like Alexis Arquette and Daisy looked like Hilary Duff. Speaking of... why was she so grossed out when Bret chose Frenchie? That is EXACTLY what she is going to look like in about 5 years!
I also thought that Catherine Grandma looked exactly like Linda in The Wedding Singer (the fiancee who dumped Adam Sandler at the alter). I kept waiting for her to show up in a Van Halen t-shirt singing a screwed up version of Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go. And K-mart girl looks like Molly Shannon in a cheap Cruella DeVille wig.
I am also completely annoyed by Megan. Her voice is so monotone and her face doesn't move when she talks. She is too young for botox so what is the deal? Its a little creepy.
9 of 28 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on January 17, 2008 6:35 AM
I liked her on Beauty & the Geek too, and was happy she won. I think she is pretty - She was in Playboy, right? I think they skanked her up a little more for the show - she never wore leopard on B&G.
By the way, I would watch every minute of a Grandpa Cow/Grandma Rodeo reality show...
10 of 28 | Posted by sarahb | Posted on January 17, 2008 6:38 AM
I really think Megan looks like Erin from last season with the abnormally large boobs (the girl Heather referred to as a star f*cker)...just something about her face.
11 of 28 | Posted by LNNC92 | Posted on January 17, 2008 6:59 AM
I think Ambre is pretty and one of the only "normal" girls there! I don't think Cross Eyed Soccer Mom is a good name for her!
12 of 28 | Posted by chiguyd | Posted on January 17, 2008 7:22 AM
I kinda missed Bret - but I really missed these recaps!!
Awesome job Chickbomb - ..If you want his ate up rocker ass, you better either stick your tongue in his mouth or your breasts in his face, otherwise you're on the first train outta Slag City...HAHA Loves it!
I have no favs yet, mostly because I can't tell some of their busted-up, tranny-looking asses apart, I almost wish he kept the flat chested chick cause at least she stood out!
Now, here is my prob with Catherine, seriously you have 2 teenage sons?? Holy shit, if my mom ever went on Rock of Love, I would hurl myself over the golden gate bridge, screaming "BRET MICHALS WAS ALMOST MY STEPFATHER,AAAAhhh!!"
Ya know, there is one question I pondered throughout this whole show...I thought plastic surgery is supposed to make you look better?!?!?!
Miss you Flasher :)
13 of 28 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on January 17, 2008 7:38 AM
I think Ambre is pretty and one of the only "normal" girls there! I don't think Cross Eyed Soccer Mom is a good name for her!
14 of 28 | Posted by chiguyd | Posted on January 17, 2008 7:48 AM
jozeyg - I knew that was her! She didn't seem quite so dim on B&G, though.
OMG...."I always knew Janis was a ho." LMAO
15 of 28 | Posted by yeknom | Posted on January 17, 2008 8:16 AM
I agree with all the nicknames, in particular Cross-eyed Soccer Mom. That's brilliance. Megan DOES remind me of Erin, LNNC92, except taller and with slightly more personality. Chickbomb, you're hilarious, re: Janis/Cat Lady Daisy.
Personally, I thought Grandma Catherine looked like a brunette Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. She'll always be Grandma Elvira to me. Who else is excited to see Lacey, Heather and Rodeo again (previews)?
16 of 28 | Posted by MidwestNomad | Posted on January 17, 2008 9:28 AM
You know that they have to bring back Flasher and her tatters the way they did New York on Flavor of Love 2. And I think she deserves a second shot as much as she annoyed the hell out of me, I think she was really into him. Plus, she already has the tattoo, might as well use it.
17 of 28 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on January 17, 2008 10:07 AM
I. Love. This. Show. CESM needs a new dye-job...I think that's 1/2 of the problem...in fact, I'd say with 1/2 of them their bad weaves/dye jobs/haircuts are really contributing to their overall skankiness. Daisy scares me, and I love that she's terrified of Frenchie because they could be sisters. If Jack-eye didn't define the term "butterface," I don't know who does. It's also nice to see a puke montage in the "scenes from Rock of Love II" preview.
18 of 28 | Posted by suedisco | Posted on January 17, 2008 10:18 AM
I think Butterface Megan looks like Julianne Moore in the face...I think it's the cheeks (on her face - haha!). Seriously - google images of JMoore & tell me they don't look alike...go on, I'll wait. :)
LOVED the recap & the nicknames - that chick totally looks like a soccer mom & whatshername (way too many to keep track of) is that muppets lost twin - YIKES!!
19 of 28 | Posted by smolls | Posted on January 17, 2008 11:10 AM
Loved the long recap!!
20 of 28 | Posted by Clair | Posted on January 17, 2008 2:48 PM
i was totally convinced all night that butterface megan was erin from last season. CONVINCED... der..
21 of 28 | Posted by tvkitty | Posted on January 17, 2008 4:15 PM
I think the drink that she was making is also known as a slippery nipple or a cowboy c*!k sucker. All names fitting for this situation. Not that I would know about that...or have ever had one!
22 of 28 | Posted by southerntippi | Posted on January 17, 2008 7:50 PM
Chickbomb.... I tried to find you on myspace. Are you a 19 year old from Tenesse?
23 of 28 | Posted by tvkitty | Posted on January 18, 2008 8:10 AM
SB - I thought the same thing, Elvira all the way!!! What's up with that??? I know plenty of women in their 40s whose look is not that dated.
24 of 28 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on January 18, 2008 9:36 AM
YES! i am so glad someone else noticed that megan was the same megan from beauty and the geek. i called all my friends to confirm it only to realize that none of my friends watch either show, so i sat there the entire episode thinking, is that her? no! it can't be... yeah it totally is! now i feel disgusted that i recognized someone on one reality show who was an ANOTHER reality show. too much reality?
25 of 28 | Posted by xpedestrianx | Posted on January 18, 2008 10:44 AM
Bret is 44, according to Wikipedia. Heavy partying, drugs and booze will take it's toll on your skin, especially if you suffer from "di-a-bee-tuss" (Bret's pronunciation, not mine), as we were constantly reminded in last season's finale eppy. $10 says it'll be repeated at least 80 times this season.
26 of 28 | Posted by TheGreatAndPowerfulShaz | Posted on January 18, 2008 10:45 AM
This is the scariest bunch of women I have ever seen, hands down. Their skankiness makes my eyes burn!! hahaha! Keep up the fabulous re-caps!
27 of 28 | Posted by PinkTuTu13 | Posted on January 19, 2008 6:19 AM
It could have been skankier though. Remember that woman on the casting show that described her "gutterslut moment" in the back of a dirty pickup in a church parking lot with a cop? I noticed that she didn't make the show.
Which reminds me of the best casting moment ever. Last year on the ROL casting special... the woman who was describing how she had a fetish about screwing midgets and then her very young child says something from off camera. That was a classic.
28 of 28 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on January 19, 2008 1:49 PM