Next is Missi, who makes up for her huge nose and shiny, spandex dress with a confident pose. Cross Eyed Soccer Mom Ambre looks, well, like a cross eyed soccer mom. In a slutty outfit, of course. Niki (pronounced like "Tiki", I wonder?) is head to toe K-Mart, from her cheap, platinum on top, black on the bottom hair-do (and I despise that look to start with, but this one isn't even executed well) down to her cheap white satin shirt and ill-applied orange spray on tan.
It turns out the one with the eighty million different platinum weaves and Manly Aubry with the bandana in the interview are one and the same, and she has a full blown make out with Bret after her picture is taken. None of the other girls are too happy to see this. And then comes Megan, who I admit has a totally rocking body, but a face only a...well, only a short rock star who only comes up to her boobs so he doesn't have to look at it could love.
Butterface Megan, welcome to my TV!
Kristy Joe is next, and she's one of the finest looking women Bret's ever laid eyes on. He immediately goes to kiss her, but she stops him from about a foot away, tells him she's a "germaphobic" and wipes his mouth! Now, I don't blame her, cause those skanks are so repulsive I'm a little tempted to Clorox my television screen, but come on! I'm offended for The Ego. That's just rude.
But we all know Bret likes a challenge, so he rolls with it and directs her to pose, "however you feel like...what do you feel like?" "What do you feel like?" she very creatively counters back. He feels like a dude who just got wiped down when he tried to kiss you, Germy! Seriously, someone needs to be righteously indignant here, and Bret's too nice to do it. Mrs. Clean finally deigns to lift her boring black, knee length dress up like an eighth of an inch to show a tiny patch of leg. Bring Scary Frenchy back!
But Bret senses Germy Joe is "an absolute tiger". Wishful thinking, but not a bad way to play it, Germy. Cold as ice won One S the big prize last season. And finally, we have the last of the VIPs, Erin with the Control-era hairdo. She just encompasses rock and roll to me, Bret explains to us. Mainly because she did her pose with one of the guitars. Which I'm sure wasn't even her idea, cause we all know you DO NOT touch the guitars without explicit permission.
Bret calls the photo shoot "awesome" about five times, and then he's ready to go party! They need to jump out and do something to catch his eye, he says. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I love this about Bret - no sappy "I wish I had time for all of you" pretenses. If you want his ate up rocker ass, you better either stick your tongue in his mouth or your breasts in his face, otherwise you're on the first train outta Slag City.
Obviously Butterface is in.
Things are already getting a little crazy outside, as International Male Inna does a perfect dive into the pool. A former Soviet Mens Swimming Champ? Those Russians do tend to dominate the Olympic sports. Bret heads outside, and now I'm really starting to get nervous. He's wearing trendy True Religion brand jeans. Please don't tell me he has taken my advice and gotten a stylist to bring him out of 1989. I know it's all I begged for last season, but I didn't mean it. If there's no animal printed pleather, I will absolutely die. Although, his ass does look totally fucking adorable. What? Teenage crushes die hard.
One of the bonuses of being a VIP, is they get uninterrupted alone time with our bachelor! First up, and not at all humble about it, is Butterface Megan. "I have a huuuuuge modeling career," she tells us. What's next, you can't find true love because you're too damn beautiful? Well, close. Butterface has a great family and friends, she's just looking for someone to share it with. Then they make out.
She was drunk making out with him, Butterface informs us, but she thinks she had a good time. I loved kissing her face, Bret adds. Sure, when you're kissing it, you don't have look at it. "I love Bret Michaels! Me and him foreeeeeeever!" she simpers as annoyingly as possible.
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Comments (28)
I dunno if anyone realized this, but Butterface Megan was on one of the seasons of Beauty and the Geek. Her and her geek actually won too. I always thought she was really pretty too...but she didn't seem this annoying though.
Not sure who I would root for.....but i like Russian Inna too.
1 of 28 | Posted by jozeyg | Posted on January 16, 2008 4:36 PM
Brett Michaels was born March 15, 1963 in Butler, Pennsylvania. Makes him 45!
2 of 28 | Posted by wornsey | Posted on January 16, 2008 6:30 PM
Actually, Aubry looks like Alexis Arquette to me.
3 of 28 | Posted by southerntippi | Posted on January 16, 2008 7:28 PM
Actually, Aubry looks like Alexis Arquette to me.
4 of 28 | Posted by southerntippi | Posted on January 16, 2008 7:30 PM
Very skankalicious
most of those women are scaaaaaary
"leave brittany aloooone" lol
5 of 28 | Posted by sweetleaf | Posted on January 16, 2008 8:47 PM
Cat Lady Daisy reminds me of a skanky, poor man version of Hilary Duff.
6 of 28 | Posted by gigglesgirlee | Posted on January 16, 2008 10:22 PM
Awesome. Glad I wasn't the only one who made the Janice Muppet/Daisy connection. Still...I think I like her best. I actually liked Jackye (Why, oh why, for the love of god. WHY. WHY spell it Jackye?) best at first. Oh well.
Anyway, good recap. I'm so glad this is back.
7 of 28 | Posted by dangerdarling | Posted on January 16, 2008 10:36 PM
Oh, my God, I missed it! I missed it! How did I miss the first episode???
8 of 28 | Posted by Mandymax | Posted on January 17, 2008 5:50 AM
I was also thinking that Aubry looked like Alexis Arquette and Daisy looked like Hilary Duff. Speaking of... why was she so grossed out when Bret chose Frenchie? That is EXACTLY what she is going to look like in about 5 years!
I also thought that Catherine Grandma looked exactly like Linda in The Wedding Singer (the fiancee who dumped Adam Sandler at the alter). I kept waiting for her to show up in a Van Halen t-shirt singing a screwed up version of Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go. And K-mart girl looks like Molly Shannon in a cheap Cruella DeVille wig.
I am also completely annoyed by Megan. Her voice is so monotone and her face doesn't move when she talks. She is too young for botox so what is the deal? Its a little creepy.
9 of 28 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on January 17, 2008 6:35 AM
I liked her on Beauty & the Geek too, and was happy she won. I think she is pretty - She was in Playboy, right? I think they skanked her up a little more for the show - she never wore leopard on B&G.
By the way, I would watch every minute of a Grandpa Cow/Grandma Rodeo reality show...
10 of 28 | Posted by sarahb | Posted on January 17, 2008 6:38 AM
I really think Megan looks like Erin from last season with the abnormally large boobs (the girl Heather referred to as a star f*cker)...just something about her face.
11 of 28 | Posted by LNNC92 | Posted on January 17, 2008 6:59 AM
I think Ambre is pretty and one of the only "normal" girls there! I don't think Cross Eyed Soccer Mom is a good name for her!
12 of 28 | Posted by chiguyd | Posted on January 17, 2008 7:22 AM
I kinda missed Bret - but I really missed these recaps!!
Awesome job Chickbomb - ..If you want his ate up rocker ass, you better either stick your tongue in his mouth or your breasts in his face, otherwise you're on the first train outta Slag City...HAHA Loves it!
I have no favs yet, mostly because I can't tell some of their busted-up, tranny-looking asses apart, I almost wish he kept the flat chested chick cause at least she stood out!
Now, here is my prob with Catherine, seriously you have 2 teenage sons?? Holy shit, if my mom ever went on Rock of Love, I would hurl myself over the golden gate bridge, screaming "BRET MICHALS WAS ALMOST MY STEPFATHER,AAAAhhh!!"
Ya know, there is one question I pondered throughout this whole show...I thought plastic surgery is supposed to make you look better?!?!?!
Miss you Flasher :)
13 of 28 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on January 17, 2008 7:38 AM
I think Ambre is pretty and one of the only "normal" girls there! I don't think Cross Eyed Soccer Mom is a good name for her!
14 of 28 | Posted by chiguyd | Posted on January 17, 2008 7:48 AM
jozeyg - I knew that was her! She didn't seem quite so dim on B&G, though.
OMG...."I always knew Janis was a ho." LMAO
15 of 28 | Posted by yeknom | Posted on January 17, 2008 8:16 AM
I agree with all the nicknames, in particular Cross-eyed Soccer Mom. That's brilliance. Megan DOES remind me of Erin, LNNC92, except taller and with slightly more personality. Chickbomb, you're hilarious, re: Janis/Cat Lady Daisy.
Personally, I thought Grandma Catherine looked like a brunette Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. She'll always be Grandma Elvira to me. Who else is excited to see Lacey, Heather and Rodeo again (previews)?
16 of 28 | Posted by MidwestNomad | Posted on January 17, 2008 9:28 AM
You know that they have to bring back Flasher and her tatters the way they did New York on Flavor of Love 2. And I think she deserves a second shot as much as she annoyed the hell out of me, I think she was really into him. Plus, she already has the tattoo, might as well use it.
17 of 28 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on January 17, 2008 10:07 AM
I. Love. This. Show. CESM needs a new dye-job...I think that's 1/2 of the problem...in fact, I'd say with 1/2 of them their bad weaves/dye jobs/haircuts are really contributing to their overall skankiness. Daisy scares me, and I love that she's terrified of Frenchie because they could be sisters. If Jack-eye didn't define the term "butterface," I don't know who does. It's also nice to see a puke montage in the "scenes from Rock of Love II" preview.
18 of 28 | Posted by suedisco | Posted on January 17, 2008 10:18 AM
I think Butterface Megan looks like Julianne Moore in the face...I think it's the cheeks (on her face - haha!). Seriously - google images of JMoore & tell me they don't look alike...go on, I'll wait. :)
LOVED the recap & the nicknames - that chick totally looks like a soccer mom & whatshername (way too many to keep track of) is that muppets lost twin - YIKES!!
19 of 28 | Posted by smolls | Posted on January 17, 2008 11:10 AM
Loved the long recap!!
20 of 28 | Posted by Clair | Posted on January 17, 2008 2:48 PM
i was totally convinced all night that butterface megan was erin from last season. CONVINCED... der..
21 of 28 | Posted by tvkitty | Posted on January 17, 2008 4:15 PM
I think the drink that she was making is also known as a slippery nipple or a cowboy c*!k sucker. All names fitting for this situation. Not that I would know about that...or have ever had one!
22 of 28 | Posted by southerntippi | Posted on January 17, 2008 7:50 PM
Chickbomb.... I tried to find you on myspace. Are you a 19 year old from Tenesse?
23 of 28 | Posted by tvkitty | Posted on January 18, 2008 8:10 AM
SB - I thought the same thing, Elvira all the way!!! What's up with that??? I know plenty of women in their 40s whose look is not that dated.
24 of 28 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on January 18, 2008 9:36 AM
YES! i am so glad someone else noticed that megan was the same megan from beauty and the geek. i called all my friends to confirm it only to realize that none of my friends watch either show, so i sat there the entire episode thinking, is that her? no! it can't be... yeah it totally is! now i feel disgusted that i recognized someone on one reality show who was an ANOTHER reality show. too much reality?
25 of 28 | Posted by xpedestrianx | Posted on January 18, 2008 10:44 AM
Bret is 44, according to Wikipedia. Heavy partying, drugs and booze will take it's toll on your skin, especially if you suffer from "di-a-bee-tuss" (Bret's pronunciation, not mine), as we were constantly reminded in last season's finale eppy. $10 says it'll be repeated at least 80 times this season.
26 of 28 | Posted by TheGreatAndPowerfulShaz | Posted on January 18, 2008 10:45 AM
This is the scariest bunch of women I have ever seen, hands down. Their skankiness makes my eyes burn!! hahaha! Keep up the fabulous re-caps!
27 of 28 | Posted by PinkTuTu13 | Posted on January 19, 2008 6:19 AM
It could have been skankier though. Remember that woman on the casting show that described her "gutterslut moment" in the back of a dirty pickup in a church parking lot with a cop? I noticed that she didn't make the show.
Which reminds me of the best casting moment ever. Last year on the ROL casting special... the woman who was describing how she had a fetish about screwing midgets and then her very young child says something from off camera. That was a classic.
28 of 28 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on January 19, 2008 1:49 PM