Next up for private VIP time is Bisexual Destiney. "Bret is so hawwwwwt, and I want to rub my hands all over him!" is her battle cry! She has a present for him tucked into her shirt. It's a bandana! You know, that was actually thoughtful. She supports covering up the weave tracks, and that's important in a balding rocker's girl.
I also brought you platform shoes and pancake foundation, but I left in in the car.
He needs to know stuff about her, he tells her, but all she can do is giggle. "I had your posters plastered on my bedroom wall," she chirps. Me too honey, but then I went to college and got a life. Although considering part of my "life" is writing shit about her, well maybe I'm a bad example. Anyway, Bi Destiney tells us she's not the "psycho fan" - well, why not be? Worked for Psycho Rocker Lacey last year. If it ain't broke, you know.
You can tell Bret's completely annoyed by what he calls her "cackling laugh". I think I catch some eye rolls. But, as he says, her "heaving breasts" make up for it, so he kisses her to shut her the hell up. Kissing's a great tool - effective at fighting squishy faces and shutting up annoying laughs.
Cat Lady Daisy is up next. "Hello beautiful girl," Bret greets her. Beautiful girl? He doesn't seem drunk. "Kissing is very impor-ant to me," Cat Lady replies. OK, she's totally creepy looking, and her inability to enunciate is irritating as hell, but I like this one. There's something kind of cute about her. She demonstrates fireworks by going "poof, poof!" with her botoxed/restalyned lips. She feels an instant connection. And then of course, Bret kisses her.
After Cat Lady Daisy's turn, International Male Inna comes running out of the pool and jumps all over Bret. It's not that ho's turn, but she doesn't care! Love her/him! And then it's bland Erin with the Janet Jackson hairdo's turn. "Hello beautiful girl!" he repeats, then apologizes for International Inna - "I can't help the crazy ones," he says. Please don't apologize for that nutty Russian ho, she's ratings gold!
Sorry, but you gotta get Big John's "permission" first.
Erin says he's a rock star and she loves rock stars. She says he'll be attracted to her personality and charisma. I hate how she talks. She sounds like a lobotomized Valley girl. But Bret seems oddly interested in her. Weird.
And then...she starts talking about Myspace. Now, I was never into that Myspace shit (although my friend Loca did make me an account once cause that's the only way she communicates - I retaliated by giving her my old Blackberry. But if you ever want to find me, I think I'm Barbie Wishes She Was Me. I have one friend besides Loca. It's Tom.) but isn't Facebook now the rage? When you're done Googling Bret's real age, someone let me know.
I'm interested in your personalities.
Erin tells him she knows this is going to sound silly, but...no, nothing's silly, Bret assures her. Man Ho, you have spoken too soon. Because the next words out of her mouth are, "Like, there's so many things going on in the world, and a lot of them I learned about through Myspace, like, so yeah, so I don't know." Bret deserves a medal for not laughing in this brain dead Janet wannabe's face, although he does admit to pretty much nodding off. Come on VH1, was this really the best you could do? It's hard to even make fun of someone so mind numbingly stupid. But, Bret thinks she's hot.
And then it's time for the rest of the skanks to play with Bret - and Big John tells them they only have ONE HOUR! One hour? Are people going to be wasted enough for me to ridicule in one hour? Scary Frenchy immediately starts making out with him, while Missi the Nose makes very mature retching noises nearby. Quit fake barfing and get in there, Nose.
They all agree it was a "French Kiss". Then Rode Hard Peyton goes in for what she calls the "Southern Kiss". She's another one I'm putting my money on by the way, those pants are going to take her places.
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Comments (28)
I dunno if anyone realized this, but Butterface Megan was on one of the seasons of Beauty and the Geek. Her and her geek actually won too. I always thought she was really pretty too...but she didn't seem this annoying though.
Not sure who I would root for.....but i like Russian Inna too.
1 of 28 | Posted by jozeyg | Posted on January 16, 2008 4:36 PM
Brett Michaels was born March 15, 1963 in Butler, Pennsylvania. Makes him 45!
2 of 28 | Posted by wornsey | Posted on January 16, 2008 6:30 PM
Actually, Aubry looks like Alexis Arquette to me.
3 of 28 | Posted by southerntippi | Posted on January 16, 2008 7:28 PM
Actually, Aubry looks like Alexis Arquette to me.
4 of 28 | Posted by southerntippi | Posted on January 16, 2008 7:30 PM
Very skankalicious
most of those women are scaaaaaary
"leave brittany aloooone" lol
5 of 28 | Posted by sweetleaf | Posted on January 16, 2008 8:47 PM
Cat Lady Daisy reminds me of a skanky, poor man version of Hilary Duff.
6 of 28 | Posted by gigglesgirlee | Posted on January 16, 2008 10:22 PM
Awesome. Glad I wasn't the only one who made the Janice Muppet/Daisy connection. Still...I think I like her best. I actually liked Jackye (Why, oh why, for the love of god. WHY. WHY spell it Jackye?) best at first. Oh well.
Anyway, good recap. I'm so glad this is back.
7 of 28 | Posted by dangerdarling | Posted on January 16, 2008 10:36 PM
Oh, my God, I missed it! I missed it! How did I miss the first episode???
8 of 28 | Posted by Mandymax | Posted on January 17, 2008 5:50 AM
I was also thinking that Aubry looked like Alexis Arquette and Daisy looked like Hilary Duff. Speaking of... why was she so grossed out when Bret chose Frenchie? That is EXACTLY what she is going to look like in about 5 years!
I also thought that Catherine Grandma looked exactly like Linda in The Wedding Singer (the fiancee who dumped Adam Sandler at the alter). I kept waiting for her to show up in a Van Halen t-shirt singing a screwed up version of Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go. And K-mart girl looks like Molly Shannon in a cheap Cruella DeVille wig.
I am also completely annoyed by Megan. Her voice is so monotone and her face doesn't move when she talks. She is too young for botox so what is the deal? Its a little creepy.
9 of 28 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on January 17, 2008 6:35 AM
I liked her on Beauty & the Geek too, and was happy she won. I think she is pretty - She was in Playboy, right? I think they skanked her up a little more for the show - she never wore leopard on B&G.
By the way, I would watch every minute of a Grandpa Cow/Grandma Rodeo reality show...
10 of 28 | Posted by sarahb | Posted on January 17, 2008 6:38 AM
I really think Megan looks like Erin from last season with the abnormally large boobs (the girl Heather referred to as a star f*cker)...just something about her face.
11 of 28 | Posted by LNNC92 | Posted on January 17, 2008 6:59 AM
I think Ambre is pretty and one of the only "normal" girls there! I don't think Cross Eyed Soccer Mom is a good name for her!
12 of 28 | Posted by chiguyd | Posted on January 17, 2008 7:22 AM
I kinda missed Bret - but I really missed these recaps!!
Awesome job Chickbomb - ..If you want his ate up rocker ass, you better either stick your tongue in his mouth or your breasts in his face, otherwise you're on the first train outta Slag City...HAHA Loves it!
I have no favs yet, mostly because I can't tell some of their busted-up, tranny-looking asses apart, I almost wish he kept the flat chested chick cause at least she stood out!
Now, here is my prob with Catherine, seriously you have 2 teenage sons?? Holy shit, if my mom ever went on Rock of Love, I would hurl myself over the golden gate bridge, screaming "BRET MICHALS WAS ALMOST MY STEPFATHER,AAAAhhh!!"
Ya know, there is one question I pondered throughout this whole show...I thought plastic surgery is supposed to make you look better?!?!?!
Miss you Flasher :)
13 of 28 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on January 17, 2008 7:38 AM
I think Ambre is pretty and one of the only "normal" girls there! I don't think Cross Eyed Soccer Mom is a good name for her!
14 of 28 | Posted by chiguyd | Posted on January 17, 2008 7:48 AM
jozeyg - I knew that was her! She didn't seem quite so dim on B&G, though.
OMG...."I always knew Janis was a ho." LMAO
15 of 28 | Posted by yeknom | Posted on January 17, 2008 8:16 AM
I agree with all the nicknames, in particular Cross-eyed Soccer Mom. That's brilliance. Megan DOES remind me of Erin, LNNC92, except taller and with slightly more personality. Chickbomb, you're hilarious, re: Janis/Cat Lady Daisy.
Personally, I thought Grandma Catherine looked like a brunette Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. She'll always be Grandma Elvira to me. Who else is excited to see Lacey, Heather and Rodeo again (previews)?
16 of 28 | Posted by MidwestNomad | Posted on January 17, 2008 9:28 AM
You know that they have to bring back Flasher and her tatters the way they did New York on Flavor of Love 2. And I think she deserves a second shot as much as she annoyed the hell out of me, I think she was really into him. Plus, she already has the tattoo, might as well use it.
17 of 28 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on January 17, 2008 10:07 AM
I. Love. This. Show. CESM needs a new dye-job...I think that's 1/2 of the problem...in fact, I'd say with 1/2 of them their bad weaves/dye jobs/haircuts are really contributing to their overall skankiness. Daisy scares me, and I love that she's terrified of Frenchie because they could be sisters. If Jack-eye didn't define the term "butterface," I don't know who does. It's also nice to see a puke montage in the "scenes from Rock of Love II" preview.
18 of 28 | Posted by suedisco | Posted on January 17, 2008 10:18 AM
I think Butterface Megan looks like Julianne Moore in the face...I think it's the cheeks (on her face - haha!). Seriously - google images of JMoore & tell me they don't look alike...go on, I'll wait. :)
LOVED the recap & the nicknames - that chick totally looks like a soccer mom & whatshername (way too many to keep track of) is that muppets lost twin - YIKES!!
19 of 28 | Posted by smolls | Posted on January 17, 2008 11:10 AM
Loved the long recap!!
20 of 28 | Posted by Clair | Posted on January 17, 2008 2:48 PM
i was totally convinced all night that butterface megan was erin from last season. CONVINCED... der..
21 of 28 | Posted by tvkitty | Posted on January 17, 2008 4:15 PM
I think the drink that she was making is also known as a slippery nipple or a cowboy c*!k sucker. All names fitting for this situation. Not that I would know about that...or have ever had one!
22 of 28 | Posted by southerntippi | Posted on January 17, 2008 7:50 PM
Chickbomb.... I tried to find you on myspace. Are you a 19 year old from Tenesse?
23 of 28 | Posted by tvkitty | Posted on January 18, 2008 8:10 AM
SB - I thought the same thing, Elvira all the way!!! What's up with that??? I know plenty of women in their 40s whose look is not that dated.
24 of 28 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on January 18, 2008 9:36 AM
YES! i am so glad someone else noticed that megan was the same megan from beauty and the geek. i called all my friends to confirm it only to realize that none of my friends watch either show, so i sat there the entire episode thinking, is that her? no! it can't be... yeah it totally is! now i feel disgusted that i recognized someone on one reality show who was an ANOTHER reality show. too much reality?
25 of 28 | Posted by xpedestrianx | Posted on January 18, 2008 10:44 AM
Bret is 44, according to Wikipedia. Heavy partying, drugs and booze will take it's toll on your skin, especially if you suffer from "di-a-bee-tuss" (Bret's pronunciation, not mine), as we were constantly reminded in last season's finale eppy. $10 says it'll be repeated at least 80 times this season.
26 of 28 | Posted by TheGreatAndPowerfulShaz | Posted on January 18, 2008 10:45 AM
This is the scariest bunch of women I have ever seen, hands down. Their skankiness makes my eyes burn!! hahaha! Keep up the fabulous re-caps!
27 of 28 | Posted by PinkTuTu13 | Posted on January 19, 2008 6:19 AM
It could have been skankier though. Remember that woman on the casting show that described her "gutterslut moment" in the back of a dirty pickup in a church parking lot with a cop? I noticed that she didn't make the show.
Which reminds me of the best casting moment ever. Last year on the ROL casting special... the woman who was describing how she had a fetish about screwing midgets and then her very young child says something from off camera. That was a classic.
28 of 28 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on January 19, 2008 1:49 PM