In the house, Misspelled Jackye is telling Bret that she's the one, and he likes her - she's a hot Italian, he says. K-Mart Niki is dealt the "no connection" card... until she tells him that "sex is everything to me." That, according to Bret, hits the bulls-eye.
She just looks like she smells good, doesn't she?
Meanwhile, Chubby Courtney is outside being very drunk and very insecure. She calls herself fat and ugly. Then just call it a night, honey. You're never gonna land him with that attitude. Cross Eyed Soccer Mom carries on and on in her interview about how she has to get to Bret, but in the moment, she's only worried about her drunk, chubby, insecure best friend who she just met five minutes ago. Get some priorities, hausfrau. Then get me some Corn Flakes from your daily grocery run. This recap's taking me 'til nearly dawn and it's almost time for breakfast.
Drunk n' Chubby lolls around on a lounge chair while the rest of the hos skank up the hot tub. She mumbles "be a slut" at them. Well, yeah. Be a slut, or be gone. This one's got loser written all over her. Someone's gonna lose their job over this casting choice.
And then FINALLY it's time for Germy Joe and Missi the Nose! They head inside with Bret, and Germy tells us that she hopes because she didn't take off her shirt, he's still into her. Doubtful. And sure enough, the minute they get inside, he walks away to "use the bathroom", and runs into Jackye who's working it on the pole. He's completely sucked in.
You better hope Brett does.
Back on the super fun sofa, Germy and The Nose are having a yawn inducing conversation about horses. They both love horses. You know what I love? Drunken sluts on my reality shows. So get on it, bitches. Even I'm losing patience here. Lucky for all of us, Big John's there to keep Bret on track, and drags him away from the pole and back to the party on the sofa. When he finally gets back to Germy and The Nose, Germy immediately takes him to task for being gone so long. "That was the longest piss ever," she scolds him. I'm surprised she didn't ask him if he washed his hands.
But there's something about her cold personality that makes Bret want to know more. I'm telling you, he likes the challenge. And Germy is very pretty, if completely frigid. He spends about three more seconds with these two dullards, and then excuses himself again. "Thanks for taking the time to talk to us," says The Nose pleasantly. First of all, it's not an interview for a temporary receptionist job. Second of all, what is this "us" crap? It's every ho for herself, hon. The Nose kisses him goodbye, and it's obvious he couldn't care less about this one. Germy, however, keeps his interest by refusing to get anywhere near his mouth.
Something tells me she won't be shaking The Nose's hand.
And then it's time for the last group of shy girls. Farmgirl Jessica has a shot, cause she's pretty and also savvy enough to lean over Cross Eyed Soccer Mom and make out with him. Cross Eyed Soccer Mom is appalled. Just go back to Duluth already. But don't forget my Corn Flakes, bitch. It's nearly lights out.
When Bret excuses himself again telling them he'll be right back, Soccer Mom overcompensates with an overly enthusiastic "for sure, for sure". Bret does a quick mental rundown of all the girls, and he's sure he's met everyone but...then we cut to Drunk n' Chubby Courtney passed out on a couch. "Sweetheart, wake up!" Big John booms, as he tries to shake some life into her. No luck though. Eh, best to let a sleeping skank lie.
Before we know it, it's time to get ready for eliminations! Bisexual Destiney isn't worried, cause she's VIP. Drunk n' Chubby is wondering if she's ugly or needs to go home. Sad. But, both. Ethnic Sara, who I don't recall seeing at all, but she's pretty, so I predict she'll stay, is trying to help her, but Drunk n' Chubby keeps falling down.
If only he could see this side of you.
Janet Jackson Erin is "on top of the world". Cat Lady Daisy is feeling confident too, but she knows that being VIP doesn't make her safe. Misspelled Jackye is so nervous her stomach hurts. A couple of the girls continue to try to help Drunk n' Chubby out, but it's a lost cause.
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Comments (28)
I dunno if anyone realized this, but Butterface Megan was on one of the seasons of Beauty and the Geek. Her and her geek actually won too. I always thought she was really pretty too...but she didn't seem this annoying though.
Not sure who I would root for.....but i like Russian Inna too.
1 of 28 | Posted by jozeyg | Posted on January 16, 2008 4:36 PM
Brett Michaels was born March 15, 1963 in Butler, Pennsylvania. Makes him 45!
2 of 28 | Posted by wornsey | Posted on January 16, 2008 6:30 PM
Actually, Aubry looks like Alexis Arquette to me.
3 of 28 | Posted by southerntippi | Posted on January 16, 2008 7:28 PM
Actually, Aubry looks like Alexis Arquette to me.
4 of 28 | Posted by southerntippi | Posted on January 16, 2008 7:30 PM
Very skankalicious
most of those women are scaaaaaary
"leave brittany aloooone" lol
5 of 28 | Posted by sweetleaf | Posted on January 16, 2008 8:47 PM
Cat Lady Daisy reminds me of a skanky, poor man version of Hilary Duff.
6 of 28 | Posted by gigglesgirlee | Posted on January 16, 2008 10:22 PM
Awesome. Glad I wasn't the only one who made the Janice Muppet/Daisy connection. Still...I think I like her best. I actually liked Jackye (Why, oh why, for the love of god. WHY. WHY spell it Jackye?) best at first. Oh well.
Anyway, good recap. I'm so glad this is back.
7 of 28 | Posted by dangerdarling | Posted on January 16, 2008 10:36 PM
Oh, my God, I missed it! I missed it! How did I miss the first episode???
8 of 28 | Posted by Mandymax | Posted on January 17, 2008 5:50 AM
I was also thinking that Aubry looked like Alexis Arquette and Daisy looked like Hilary Duff. Speaking of... why was she so grossed out when Bret chose Frenchie? That is EXACTLY what she is going to look like in about 5 years!
I also thought that Catherine Grandma looked exactly like Linda in The Wedding Singer (the fiancee who dumped Adam Sandler at the alter). I kept waiting for her to show up in a Van Halen t-shirt singing a screwed up version of Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go. And K-mart girl looks like Molly Shannon in a cheap Cruella DeVille wig.
I am also completely annoyed by Megan. Her voice is so monotone and her face doesn't move when she talks. She is too young for botox so what is the deal? Its a little creepy.
9 of 28 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on January 17, 2008 6:35 AM
I liked her on Beauty & the Geek too, and was happy she won. I think she is pretty - She was in Playboy, right? I think they skanked her up a little more for the show - she never wore leopard on B&G.
By the way, I would watch every minute of a Grandpa Cow/Grandma Rodeo reality show...
10 of 28 | Posted by sarahb | Posted on January 17, 2008 6:38 AM
I really think Megan looks like Erin from last season with the abnormally large boobs (the girl Heather referred to as a star f*cker)...just something about her face.
11 of 28 | Posted by LNNC92 | Posted on January 17, 2008 6:59 AM
I think Ambre is pretty and one of the only "normal" girls there! I don't think Cross Eyed Soccer Mom is a good name for her!
12 of 28 | Posted by chiguyd | Posted on January 17, 2008 7:22 AM
I kinda missed Bret - but I really missed these recaps!!
Awesome job Chickbomb - ..If you want his ate up rocker ass, you better either stick your tongue in his mouth or your breasts in his face, otherwise you're on the first train outta Slag City...HAHA Loves it!
I have no favs yet, mostly because I can't tell some of their busted-up, tranny-looking asses apart, I almost wish he kept the flat chested chick cause at least she stood out!
Now, here is my prob with Catherine, seriously you have 2 teenage sons?? Holy shit, if my mom ever went on Rock of Love, I would hurl myself over the golden gate bridge, screaming "BRET MICHALS WAS ALMOST MY STEPFATHER,AAAAhhh!!"
Ya know, there is one question I pondered throughout this whole show...I thought plastic surgery is supposed to make you look better?!?!?!
Miss you Flasher :)
13 of 28 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on January 17, 2008 7:38 AM
I think Ambre is pretty and one of the only "normal" girls there! I don't think Cross Eyed Soccer Mom is a good name for her!
14 of 28 | Posted by chiguyd | Posted on January 17, 2008 7:48 AM
jozeyg - I knew that was her! She didn't seem quite so dim on B&G, though.
OMG...."I always knew Janis was a ho." LMAO
15 of 28 | Posted by yeknom | Posted on January 17, 2008 8:16 AM
I agree with all the nicknames, in particular Cross-eyed Soccer Mom. That's brilliance. Megan DOES remind me of Erin, LNNC92, except taller and with slightly more personality. Chickbomb, you're hilarious, re: Janis/Cat Lady Daisy.
Personally, I thought Grandma Catherine looked like a brunette Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. She'll always be Grandma Elvira to me. Who else is excited to see Lacey, Heather and Rodeo again (previews)?
16 of 28 | Posted by MidwestNomad | Posted on January 17, 2008 9:28 AM
You know that they have to bring back Flasher and her tatters the way they did New York on Flavor of Love 2. And I think she deserves a second shot as much as she annoyed the hell out of me, I think she was really into him. Plus, she already has the tattoo, might as well use it.
17 of 28 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on January 17, 2008 10:07 AM
I. Love. This. Show. CESM needs a new dye-job...I think that's 1/2 of the problem...in fact, I'd say with 1/2 of them their bad weaves/dye jobs/haircuts are really contributing to their overall skankiness. Daisy scares me, and I love that she's terrified of Frenchie because they could be sisters. If Jack-eye didn't define the term "butterface," I don't know who does. It's also nice to see a puke montage in the "scenes from Rock of Love II" preview.
18 of 28 | Posted by suedisco | Posted on January 17, 2008 10:18 AM
I think Butterface Megan looks like Julianne Moore in the face...I think it's the cheeks (on her face - haha!). Seriously - google images of JMoore & tell me they don't look alike...go on, I'll wait. :)
LOVED the recap & the nicknames - that chick totally looks like a soccer mom & whatshername (way too many to keep track of) is that muppets lost twin - YIKES!!
19 of 28 | Posted by smolls | Posted on January 17, 2008 11:10 AM
Loved the long recap!!
20 of 28 | Posted by Clair | Posted on January 17, 2008 2:48 PM
i was totally convinced all night that butterface megan was erin from last season. CONVINCED... der..
21 of 28 | Posted by tvkitty | Posted on January 17, 2008 4:15 PM
I think the drink that she was making is also known as a slippery nipple or a cowboy c*!k sucker. All names fitting for this situation. Not that I would know about that...or have ever had one!
22 of 28 | Posted by southerntippi | Posted on January 17, 2008 7:50 PM
Chickbomb.... I tried to find you on myspace. Are you a 19 year old from Tenesse?
23 of 28 | Posted by tvkitty | Posted on January 18, 2008 8:10 AM
SB - I thought the same thing, Elvira all the way!!! What's up with that??? I know plenty of women in their 40s whose look is not that dated.
24 of 28 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on January 18, 2008 9:36 AM
YES! i am so glad someone else noticed that megan was the same megan from beauty and the geek. i called all my friends to confirm it only to realize that none of my friends watch either show, so i sat there the entire episode thinking, is that her? no! it can't be... yeah it totally is! now i feel disgusted that i recognized someone on one reality show who was an ANOTHER reality show. too much reality?
25 of 28 | Posted by xpedestrianx | Posted on January 18, 2008 10:44 AM
Bret is 44, according to Wikipedia. Heavy partying, drugs and booze will take it's toll on your skin, especially if you suffer from "di-a-bee-tuss" (Bret's pronunciation, not mine), as we were constantly reminded in last season's finale eppy. $10 says it'll be repeated at least 80 times this season.
26 of 28 | Posted by TheGreatAndPowerfulShaz | Posted on January 18, 2008 10:45 AM
This is the scariest bunch of women I have ever seen, hands down. Their skankiness makes my eyes burn!! hahaha! Keep up the fabulous re-caps!
27 of 28 | Posted by PinkTuTu13 | Posted on January 19, 2008 6:19 AM
It could have been skankier though. Remember that woman on the casting show that described her "gutterslut moment" in the back of a dirty pickup in a church parking lot with a cop? I noticed that she didn't make the show.
Which reminds me of the best casting moment ever. Last year on the ROL casting special... the woman who was describing how she had a fetish about screwing midgets and then her very young child says something from off camera. That was a classic.
28 of 28 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on January 19, 2008 1:49 PM