And then, it's elimination time! Bret comes out of his fake bedroom and now I'm literally starting to palpitate. He's wearing understated black pants, button down shirt and sport coat. He's even got on a black bandana. He looks good. I hate it. Where's the snakeskin? The red pleather? I know I asked for this, but I take it back! I take it all back! Please, please, please bring back the late eighties stage gear. Just because it personally offends me doesn't mean the recap needs to suffer!
First off, Bret notices that someone's missing. Although, he has no idea who. And then, thanks to some clever editing, we hear a "THUMP" as Drunk n' Chubby falls out of bed. Big John informs Bret that he doesn't think Courtney's going to make it.
Leave Britney alooooooone!!!!
For the first pass, Bret calls Butterface Megan. Actually, she's really not that ugly, but I've already committed to the name. "Me and Braaaat were maaaaade for each other," she says smugly. He thinks she's tall, hot and sexy. She's going to stay and irritate me 'til the bitter end. I know it.
International Male Inna is annoyed by Butterface as well. "She thinks she's cute and sexy, I just want to slap the crap out of her," she says. Here's hoping! Cat Lady Daisy gets pass number two - he wants her to be his "sex kitten". Don't you mean sex "ki-en"? Whatever, there's still something likeable about her.
Bisexual Destiney is called next, and Butterface tells us "VIP girls are all staying!" Uh, not all of you. Janet Jackson Erin is still a VIP without a backstage pass, and she's starting to look pissed off and nervous. I am a little surprised that someone so dumb can figure out how to convey emotion.
He says he has something in common with Manly Aubry, so she's next. Rode Hard Peyton gets the next pass after, and sure enough, he compliments the pink, zebra-striped pants. So, perhaps there's hope for some of Bret's signature wardrobe choices yet!
But is there hope for Grandma 2.0?
International Male Inna gets a pass, followed by Token Roxy, Farmgirl Jessica, Boring Korie, and Ethnic Sara. "I just like this person," he says about Catherine Granny 2.0, so she's next. Janet Jackson is looking more and more annoyed. With each brief description of the girl he's calling down - we have things in common, I think she's hot, I just like her - she thinks he's talking about her and gives a big, smug smile...only to keep getting dissed. Dumb, conceited reality show girls, you rock in your own, special way.
Germy Joe gets a pass, and makes a totally rude comment about making him use mouthwash. Butterface Megan determines that Germy "obviously isn't here for Bret." K-Mart Niki gets a pass for having a "punk thing". Scary Frenchy gets a pass because Bret "felt a spiritual connection when you took your shirt off." Cat Lady Daisy is not happy about this choice.
Penny for your thoughts.
And then we're down to the last pass. It's either Cross Eyed Soccer Mom Ambre, Janet Jackson Erin, Missi the Nose, Misspelled Jackye or Mosquito Bites Ashley, who tells us she's just standing there, holding her ass cheeks together. Let them go sweetie, it may improve your chances. Janet Jackson says she's still not worried.
And the last pass goes to...Misspelled Jackye! Janet Jackson is shocked. But...there's a problem! Jackye's scared and nervous and she has bad anxiety! She doesn't know if she wants to stay! Bret tells her that if she has doubts, she should let another girl have a chance. And so, Jackye decides to go home!
Bret acts like he's not bothered. "Your honesty is awesome," he tells her, but as soon as she's out the door, he tosses the Jackye's unused pass across the floor. You do not cross The Ego.
The remaining girls all want the last pass. Cross Eyed Soccer Mom says she wants it soooo bad. How bad did you want it when you were forgoing time with him to nurse Drunk n' Chubby through her whiskey haze? But in the end, Cross Eyed Soccer Mom gets the last pass. I'm not totally upset. She's good material.
Way to keep your cool, mom.
They make their ho toast with top quality Bret Brew, fresh from Big John's wheelbarrow, no doubt, and Bret tells them to let Drunk n' Chubby know that her tour ended while she was passed out. I wonder if she'll pull a Clown Whore and beg to stay when she wakes up? I could get on board with that.
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Comments (28)
I dunno if anyone realized this, but Butterface Megan was on one of the seasons of Beauty and the Geek. Her and her geek actually won too. I always thought she was really pretty too...but she didn't seem this annoying though.
Not sure who I would root for.....but i like Russian Inna too.
1 of 28 | Posted by jozeyg | Posted on January 16, 2008 4:36 PM
Brett Michaels was born March 15, 1963 in Butler, Pennsylvania. Makes him 45!
2 of 28 | Posted by wornsey | Posted on January 16, 2008 6:30 PM
Actually, Aubry looks like Alexis Arquette to me.
3 of 28 | Posted by southerntippi | Posted on January 16, 2008 7:28 PM
Actually, Aubry looks like Alexis Arquette to me.
4 of 28 | Posted by southerntippi | Posted on January 16, 2008 7:30 PM
Very skankalicious
most of those women are scaaaaaary
"leave brittany aloooone" lol
5 of 28 | Posted by sweetleaf | Posted on January 16, 2008 8:47 PM
Cat Lady Daisy reminds me of a skanky, poor man version of Hilary Duff.
6 of 28 | Posted by gigglesgirlee | Posted on January 16, 2008 10:22 PM
Awesome. Glad I wasn't the only one who made the Janice Muppet/Daisy connection. Still...I think I like her best. I actually liked Jackye (Why, oh why, for the love of god. WHY. WHY spell it Jackye?) best at first. Oh well.
Anyway, good recap. I'm so glad this is back.
7 of 28 | Posted by dangerdarling | Posted on January 16, 2008 10:36 PM
Oh, my God, I missed it! I missed it! How did I miss the first episode???
8 of 28 | Posted by Mandymax | Posted on January 17, 2008 5:50 AM
I was also thinking that Aubry looked like Alexis Arquette and Daisy looked like Hilary Duff. Speaking of... why was she so grossed out when Bret chose Frenchie? That is EXACTLY what she is going to look like in about 5 years!
I also thought that Catherine Grandma looked exactly like Linda in The Wedding Singer (the fiancee who dumped Adam Sandler at the alter). I kept waiting for her to show up in a Van Halen t-shirt singing a screwed up version of Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go. And K-mart girl looks like Molly Shannon in a cheap Cruella DeVille wig.
I am also completely annoyed by Megan. Her voice is so monotone and her face doesn't move when she talks. She is too young for botox so what is the deal? Its a little creepy.
9 of 28 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on January 17, 2008 6:35 AM
I liked her on Beauty & the Geek too, and was happy she won. I think she is pretty - She was in Playboy, right? I think they skanked her up a little more for the show - she never wore leopard on B&G.
By the way, I would watch every minute of a Grandpa Cow/Grandma Rodeo reality show...
10 of 28 | Posted by sarahb | Posted on January 17, 2008 6:38 AM
I really think Megan looks like Erin from last season with the abnormally large boobs (the girl Heather referred to as a star f*cker)...just something about her face.
11 of 28 | Posted by LNNC92 | Posted on January 17, 2008 6:59 AM
I think Ambre is pretty and one of the only "normal" girls there! I don't think Cross Eyed Soccer Mom is a good name for her!
12 of 28 | Posted by chiguyd | Posted on January 17, 2008 7:22 AM
I kinda missed Bret - but I really missed these recaps!!
Awesome job Chickbomb - ..If you want his ate up rocker ass, you better either stick your tongue in his mouth or your breasts in his face, otherwise you're on the first train outta Slag City...HAHA Loves it!
I have no favs yet, mostly because I can't tell some of their busted-up, tranny-looking asses apart, I almost wish he kept the flat chested chick cause at least she stood out!
Now, here is my prob with Catherine, seriously you have 2 teenage sons?? Holy shit, if my mom ever went on Rock of Love, I would hurl myself over the golden gate bridge, screaming "BRET MICHALS WAS ALMOST MY STEPFATHER,AAAAhhh!!"
Ya know, there is one question I pondered throughout this whole show...I thought plastic surgery is supposed to make you look better?!?!?!
Miss you Flasher :)
13 of 28 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on January 17, 2008 7:38 AM
I think Ambre is pretty and one of the only "normal" girls there! I don't think Cross Eyed Soccer Mom is a good name for her!
14 of 28 | Posted by chiguyd | Posted on January 17, 2008 7:48 AM
jozeyg - I knew that was her! She didn't seem quite so dim on B&G, though.
OMG...."I always knew Janis was a ho." LMAO
15 of 28 | Posted by yeknom | Posted on January 17, 2008 8:16 AM
I agree with all the nicknames, in particular Cross-eyed Soccer Mom. That's brilliance. Megan DOES remind me of Erin, LNNC92, except taller and with slightly more personality. Chickbomb, you're hilarious, re: Janis/Cat Lady Daisy.
Personally, I thought Grandma Catherine looked like a brunette Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. She'll always be Grandma Elvira to me. Who else is excited to see Lacey, Heather and Rodeo again (previews)?
16 of 28 | Posted by MidwestNomad | Posted on January 17, 2008 9:28 AM
You know that they have to bring back Flasher and her tatters the way they did New York on Flavor of Love 2. And I think she deserves a second shot as much as she annoyed the hell out of me, I think she was really into him. Plus, she already has the tattoo, might as well use it.
17 of 28 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on January 17, 2008 10:07 AM
I. Love. This. Show. CESM needs a new dye-job...I think that's 1/2 of the problem...in fact, I'd say with 1/2 of them their bad weaves/dye jobs/haircuts are really contributing to their overall skankiness. Daisy scares me, and I love that she's terrified of Frenchie because they could be sisters. If Jack-eye didn't define the term "butterface," I don't know who does. It's also nice to see a puke montage in the "scenes from Rock of Love II" preview.
18 of 28 | Posted by suedisco | Posted on January 17, 2008 10:18 AM
I think Butterface Megan looks like Julianne Moore in the face...I think it's the cheeks (on her face - haha!). Seriously - google images of JMoore & tell me they don't look alike...go on, I'll wait. :)
LOVED the recap & the nicknames - that chick totally looks like a soccer mom & whatshername (way too many to keep track of) is that muppets lost twin - YIKES!!
19 of 28 | Posted by smolls | Posted on January 17, 2008 11:10 AM
Loved the long recap!!
20 of 28 | Posted by Clair | Posted on January 17, 2008 2:48 PM
i was totally convinced all night that butterface megan was erin from last season. CONVINCED... der..
21 of 28 | Posted by tvkitty | Posted on January 17, 2008 4:15 PM
I think the drink that she was making is also known as a slippery nipple or a cowboy c*!k sucker. All names fitting for this situation. Not that I would know about that...or have ever had one!
22 of 28 | Posted by southerntippi | Posted on January 17, 2008 7:50 PM
Chickbomb.... I tried to find you on myspace. Are you a 19 year old from Tenesse?
23 of 28 | Posted by tvkitty | Posted on January 18, 2008 8:10 AM
SB - I thought the same thing, Elvira all the way!!! What's up with that??? I know plenty of women in their 40s whose look is not that dated.
24 of 28 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on January 18, 2008 9:36 AM
YES! i am so glad someone else noticed that megan was the same megan from beauty and the geek. i called all my friends to confirm it only to realize that none of my friends watch either show, so i sat there the entire episode thinking, is that her? no! it can't be... yeah it totally is! now i feel disgusted that i recognized someone on one reality show who was an ANOTHER reality show. too much reality?
25 of 28 | Posted by xpedestrianx | Posted on January 18, 2008 10:44 AM
Bret is 44, according to Wikipedia. Heavy partying, drugs and booze will take it's toll on your skin, especially if you suffer from "di-a-bee-tuss" (Bret's pronunciation, not mine), as we were constantly reminded in last season's finale eppy. $10 says it'll be repeated at least 80 times this season.
26 of 28 | Posted by TheGreatAndPowerfulShaz | Posted on January 18, 2008 10:45 AM
This is the scariest bunch of women I have ever seen, hands down. Their skankiness makes my eyes burn!! hahaha! Keep up the fabulous re-caps!
27 of 28 | Posted by PinkTuTu13 | Posted on January 19, 2008 6:19 AM
It could have been skankier though. Remember that woman on the casting show that described her "gutterslut moment" in the back of a dirty pickup in a church parking lot with a cop? I noticed that she didn't make the show.
Which reminds me of the best casting moment ever. Last year on the ROL casting special... the woman who was describing how she had a fetish about screwing midgets and then her very young child says something from off camera. That was a classic.
28 of 28 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on January 19, 2008 1:49 PM