Rock of Love: Bi Bi, Birdie

Welcome back to the second to last week of Rock of Love! This week is the meet the parents episode. I doubt anyone could beat trashy fabulousness of the Family Flash, or the level of psychotic achieved by the herpes ridden Family Psycho, but I'm game to find out.

Picture 10-4
I've never seen anyone so creative with the waddle tuck as Cross Eyed Soccer Mom.

So, we're down to the top three: Cross Eyed Soccer Mom Ambre, Muppet Daisy and Bisexual Destiney. Big John kicks off the day with a gift of buckets of cleaning supplies. Oh come on, that's not gonna be enough to clean these hos up. But alas, it's for house cleaning. They put on rubber gloves and start scrubbing bathrooms.

And just as they're wondering why exactly they're cleaning house, the doorbell rings. And it's Soccer Mom's dad, Randy! Randy's a proper Midwestern guy who's dressed appropriately for the occasion in a maroon sweatshirt. Soccer Mom shrieks, it's a wonderful moment she tells us. "After everything I've been going through emotionally, physically, psychologically, it feels good to have my Dad there," she says. Good Lord, woman, you're doing reality dating on cable, it's not like you've been to war. Perspective, Soccer Mom.

Picture 1-22
Did you know Jessica Tandy?

Well, she can't wait for her Dad to meet Bret, but first she needs to give her Dad a big, incestuous hug for like five minutes. Bret comes out of his fake bedroom, and hello Barbie, isn't your hair looking purty today! Soft and flowing - I see someone's determined not to have his follicular authenticity questioned today, as Psycho Herpes Daddy did last season. "Sir?" Bret says to Randy about five times, but he's too busy feeling up his little girl, and Bret is ignored.

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Excuse me. Maybe you didn't hear me. I said HAIR.

Finally, Soccer Mom and her Dad detach and Bret instructs them to tour the house. Soccer Mom tells us her Dad is a proper Southern gentleman, he's church going, and she's wondering what he will be subjected to. Upstairs, Muppet's worried because the last time she saw her Dad was when she was seventeen, and her Mom when she was twenty. She doesn't have a traditional family, she says. Oh, that's sad. Wonder what the story is behind that skeleton.

But we'll have to wait to find out, cause the next time the doorbell rings, it's for Bisexual. I have to look really closely at her Dad, cause is that a huge tattoo encircling his head? So creepy. Also, Daddy Bi is wearing a maroon (did the Daddys coordinate at the Holiday Inn this morning?) jacket with a big cross embroidered on the back. The old Bret would have totally worn that jacket.

Soccer Mom and Bisexual introduce their families, and Muppet is feeling awkward. She's been on her own since she was fifteen, and she wishes she had some parents. Really, poor, sad little Muppet. She's wondering if they've tracked down her parents or her uncle? Doubtful ho, this ain't Maury.

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Twins!

And Muppet's special guest star is a trailer-ish looking lady named Stephanie. Stephanie has accessorized for television with a jumbo sized claw clip in some fried looking hair. And oddly, Stephanie is her ex Charles' sister. Oh, this isn't awkward at all. Should do lots to perpetuate the story of Muppet and Charles being officially over.

Bret says he's really looking forward to getting to know the parents. And then we get a little flashback to last season's disaster with Psycho Herpes Daddy, and Daddy Flash standing by with a beer while Flash spewed verbal vomit about Psycho Herpes' sexual exploits at Bret's house. That was so great.

So Bret and the new parents eat and drink and Bret gallantly plays bartender. But when he offers a cocktail to Daddy Bi, he is turned down because Daddy Bi has liver cancer and only has six months to live. Tonight's episode's a real tearjerker. And I commend Bisexual for never having mentioned it, you know if it was Soccer Mom, she would have thrown that info, along with her patented fake crying, into every other conversation.

Rock of Love: Bi Bi, Birdie Sections:  1  |  2  |  3  |  4  |  5  |  6 

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Comments (32)

shellbell:

ChickBomb!!! finally... i have been waiting patiently for your recap since sunday! i am weirdly obsessed with ROL... think i might need therapy...but your recaps are 100 times funnier than the show could ever be.

Clair:

I was weirdly obsessed last season and called it "My guilty pleasure" when some family members thought I was nuts for watching it. This season I can't take the guilt/shame so I watch it in secret. :)

Tigermilk:

Yes Soccer Mom, how dare Destiney not be "in love" with Bret after 3 whole weeks like you are?! Please, Bret just pick your chick that you'll leave by the reunion show so we can have a third season worthy of the first's legacy.

On another topic, am I the only person serously contempating buying the Rock of Love season 1 DVD they keep advertising? Holy ish I could watch that season over and over.

VegasDarling:

I miss the days of Lacy drunkenly crawling on the table and hitting on Badass Brandi...oh the memories. Now we have to make due with someone lying about their age - I agree Tigermilk, this season is a disgrace to the first season and Flasher's legacy.

BTW, did anyone else not know Destiney was 31? Yes, I'll admit it, I was on the ROL wikipedia page.

shellbell:

and another thing... soccer mom makes me want to jump through the tv screen to punch her in the wide open mouth. i almost lost my lunch when i saw the previews for next week... "i'm not wearing any underwear..." she's no better than any of the other hos... at least daisy is good at ho-ing it up. my boyfriend wants soccer mom to win. i want her to get hit by a minivan.

feels good to get that off my chest... i officially have no life

hollabackboy:

ambre is so annoying.
she is so self righteous.
how the hell does she not realize she lied about her age? in that flash back, she deliberately paused before she said "32". and whether you have to lie for your career or not, you STILL know what age you are. so you still know when you lie about it. speaking of her "career", i hear she's an actress and had a cameo in "sweet home alabama". god, i hope she loses. she pretends to be such a goody two shoes, and is always calling the other girls out, but i question her the most. i think she's fake.

and chick bomb, you are so right about bret's double standard. he complains daisy and ambre weren't honest, but eliminated destiney for being honest. i mean, how are you supposed to fall in total love with a guy you've known for 3 weeks, and who's been making out with other girls every day? i like destiney, she seemed like a cool girl. just because she's not dumb enough to get bret's name tattooed on her neck [sorry, heather. i love you but it was dumb] doesn't mean she wasn't there for him.

i'd like to see daisy win. because i cannot stand ambre. her and bret would make such an odd couple.

dangerdarling:

Thank you, Chickbomb, for making the recap more exciting than the actual episode.

This season is ridiculous. So boring. The two episodes with Heather are the only good episodes. When they DO fight/get dramtastic, it's forced. It's like...they know Brett WANTS them to fight (ratings!), so they have to fight to stay on the show.

I don't want either of them to win.

Also, I actually thought BiDaddy's head tattoo was freakin' cool- but then, I hang out with some weird people.

Oh yeah. and Charles sister looks like the poor man's Maryl Streep.

dangerdarling:

Oops...I obviously meant Meryl Streep. Not Maryl.

chelle:

CB - Once again, you've outdone yourself!

Clair, no need to watch in secret, I thought that too, I was a closet ROL fan. It is hard work, being ready to flip to C SPAN, nodding intelligently, when anyone else comes by. But then, I accidentally let it slip that I knew what one of the jokes about ROL was about during the Soup. Gasp! The horror! Everyone was on to me, I thought the gig was up. But then it dawned on me, hey, they all got it too! Now we're all out in the open about it ... it's much fun to not have to switch to CSPAN, and okay, seriously debate, we're all 50-50 on the finale! :)

sheyanicole:

if you go to Ambre's myspace there's a blog about how her voice was dubbed during that meditation thing. i don't know if she's telling the truth, but the did some shady editing with Heather last season.

Also, did anyone else knwo she was in the movie Sweet Home Alabama???

fire@will:

Your recaps are way too good for this show! :-)

I, too, noticed the resemblance of Charles's sister to the talented Meryl Streep. Just from that short time she was on, I'd pick her (or Ms. Streep) over any of the "real" contestants!

MichyPR:

Just wanted to say that I also thought that Daisy asking about if it were John Stamos was from out of left field...And if it were Jon Bon Jovi they'd have to fight me too. Now HE is dreamy! *sigh*
Anyways, great recap as usual :) Can't wait to see the finale. I really don't know who I want to win considering I don't like either of them. I read somewhere that he actually picked Kristy Joe and the rest of the episodes after she left were just to honor his contract... I dunno how reliable the person who said it is but it's interesting. Probably not true though.

wintersux:

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but if they ever make Full House of Love with John Stamos, you can sign me up.

Sweetleaf:

Heyyy-O!
ITA with the recap and the commenters -
Destiny was very likeable and sensible in this epi.
Hahahah at CESM for being busted about lying! Doesn't she know she's being taped? Yes. Yes she does.

The Hair!! Whats up with it? Fake or real? Receeding? Somethings off.


That woman lloked like Meryl Streep! Must be a relative!

chunkymonkey:

haha full house of love. I'm there. oh uncle jesse.

do you remember last season when lacey and heather took credit for systematically targeting girls and getting them booted? Their success cannot compare to ambres. She is MUCH better at
manipulation.

At this point he has to pick daisy. If I saw them in real life in the pages of us weekly together I wouldn't be surprised but he and ambre make no sense. also she's a self righteous snobby uptight beyotch.

susie:

Daddybi's tattoo looked like motorcycle tire tracks, as if his head had been run over by a Harley.
I totally share the guilty pleasure felling, btw.

suedisco:

I am lucky enough to work in TV post-production house where at least 1/3 of us have been watching ROL and openly discussing it at lunch, so I've managed to remain shame-free in my ROL addiction. I liked Ambre at first but WOW...to call out the other Hos only to be a "TV host" or "personality" or whatever else...lame. Destiny was a good match...kinda wild, decent age, great family w/similar interests. Too bad...I found myself on Team Destiny by the end of this ep. I would LOVE to know what went down between Daisy and her fam. 15 is awfully young to be on your own...methinks someone had an "older boyfriend."

bonita:

i watched that episode again where she tells bret she's 32 and it sounded dubbed to me. they didn't even get a shot of her saying "32" in that scene -- they conveniently cut away at that moment. which would make sense if they dubbed in "32" from her telling one of the other girls that was her age.

so, i really don't think she lied to bret at all.

Memememe:

It wouldn't surprise me one bit that a dubbed lie was perpetrated on Soccer Mom. I also totally didn't buy the extra-long hugging scene, where supposedly she and her dad let Bret say AHEM or whatever five times before they broke their embrace. No way do I buy that as anything but manipulative editing.

It looks like a clip show this weekend. :-(

itchy:

I like Ambre. There. I said it. Not going to take it back either. Uh uh.

She's smart, pretty (except for the hair), crafty enough to handle any groupies who pop up, and close enough to Bret's age.

He's looking pretty tuckered out himself this season--ever wonder why he's not partying hard like the last time? No way he'd be interested in a young high-energy idiot like Daisy. Not for 'luv' anyway.

Besides, didn't he shave a couple/few years off his own age last season? Which makes Ambre perfect for him.

MichyPR:

OMG can't wait for the finale recap. Reunion looks good!!!!

realitee:

Alllllrighty then...if Ambre WAS dubbed then she's got more splain' to do peeps...

If we go down the road that this shaman did indeed ask her age...here are the scenarios:

1: If she answered with the truth, Bret took a pretty big chance confronting her in front of her dad of a lie she never told, as this could have totally backfired. ESPECIALLY if she was dubbed since she would KNOW that she didn't lie. It could have blown the whole storyline about her age out of the water and made it useless for the show.

2. She lied

Or we consider the another option....and the only way out of this entire mess for CESM - To make the giant leap that this ENTIRE CONVERSATION about her age with the Shaman never happened - not just her response - but the whole dang thing. That would mean that Mr. Rent-a-Shaman's question was dubbed in as well as her response - but I'm not sure I but this and for one important reason. If you read Ambre's response to all this, she claims only that her voice was dubbed. She never says she wan't asked the question. So....that means she answered it...with some number.

So...who's lying? CESM or Bret/Producers.


MichyPR:

Maybe she didn't lie and Bret just didn't really remember what age she said she was? It's hard to keep track of all them ho's.

sardini:

Ok, so if she wasn't lying (as she claims on her MySpace blog)....then why all the "Oh my goodness, gracious, heavens....booo hoooo I lied to Bret" nonsense?

realitee:

Totally agree that them is a lot of numbers to keep in that rograin filled brain of his....

Buuut if this was all just 'cause he couldn't remember who told him what, you figure that her response would have been more like "nope, never told you I was 31 or 32, I told you I was 107 years old when Bob-o-Shaman asked."

On top of that she prob told all the zygotes in the house that she was 31 just so that they wouldn't put her in the Grandma Cathy and 2.0 club.

One last thing before I poke my eyes out with a hot poker I am so said this is almost over....but the producers knew how old she was from her app....set up set up set up. They made sure Daddy had a "whoops" moment.

realitee:

Totally agree that them is a lot of numbers to keep in that rograin filled brain of his....

Buuut if this was all just 'cause he couldn't remember who told him what, you figure that her response would have been more like "nope, never told you I was 31 or 32, I told you I was 107 years old when Bob-o-Shaman asked."

On top of that she prob told all the zygotes in the house that she was 31 just so that they wouldn't put her in the Grandma Cathy and 2.0 club.

One last thing before I poke my eyes out with a hot poker I am so sad this is almost over....but the producers knew how old she was from her app....set up set up set up. They made sure Daddy had a "whoops" moment.

realitee:

Totally agree that them is a lot of numbers to keep in that rograin filled brain of his....

Buuut if this was all just 'cause he couldn't remember who told him what, you figure that her response would have been more like "nope, never told you I was 31 or 32, I told you I was 107 years old when Bob-o-Shaman asked."

On top of that she prob told all the zygotes in the house that she was 31 just so that they wouldn't put her in the Grandma Cathy and 2.0 club.

One last thing before I poke my eyes out with a hot poker I am so sad this is almost over....but the producers knew how old she was from her app....set up set up set up. They made sure Daddy had a "whoops" moment.

realitee:

Totally agree that them is a lot of numbers to keep in that rogaine filled brain of his....

Buuut if this was all just 'cause he couldn't remember who told him what, you figure that her response would have been more like "nope, never told you I was 31 or 32, I told you I was 107 when Bob-o-Shaman asked."

On top of that she prob told all the zygotes in the house that she was 31 just so that they wouldn't put her in the Grandma Cathy and 2.0 club.

One last thing before I poke my eyes out with a hot poker I am so sad this is almost over - but the producers knew how old she was from her app....set up set up set up. They made sure Daddy had a "whoops" moment.

User Name:

ohmigod...i hate when that happens. Apologies and free drinks for everyone

michypr:

What happened to the finale recap? I'm pretty sure I read it and now I can't find it. Also, no reunion recap? :( Old news, I know.

bmo1126:

I am obsessed with your recaps CB I love them! However where is the rock of love reunion recap??

mariaisabel:

So.... I take it there is no reunion recap?
That kinda blows.

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