Daddy Bi and Bret bond over their love of Harleys. Daddy Bi shows Bret a picture of his bike. The both love to drive fast. They have the same taste in clothes. Daddy Bi and Bret have lots in common and are getting along like a house afire, which is a sure sign that Destiney's not gonna win this thing. He wouldn't dare pick a ho he may actually have a chance with. His baby momma wouldn't like that.
Here's to not getting too attached to any of you hos!
And then to really get to know the parents, Bret decides it's time to barbeque. They're outside grilling steaks, and in two seconds flat, Soccer Daddy spills to Bret that Soccer Mom is thirty-seven! Oooooh, I've been waiting all week for this fabulous shit to go down! Bret is stunned. We do a quick replay back to the date with the eastern healer, when Soccer Mom flat out says she's thirty-two. But now that we know the truth, I can see there's a definite pause before she says her age. Soccer Mom knew exactly what she was saying, and let's remember that in a few minutes when she denies it.
Bret's done a very kind thing for us tonight, wardrobe-wise. Not only is he wearing a black leather cowboy hat with a skull, but he's also got a matching skull and crossbones printed jacket! It's not red pleather, but it's delightfully tacky enough for me. And he tells us that finding out the truth about Soccer Mom's real age is a red flag - what else is she hiding? A mini-van and four kids, I'm telling you.
Over the fancy barbeque dinner, Bisexual's family jokes around about chicken breasts, just for the opportunity to say "breast" a hundred times, but Soccer Mom is embarrassed for her Dad's virgin ears to be hearing this. They all toast, and then Bret tells them he has something awesome (of course) for them to see from the new tour. Well certainly, what fifty-something parent wouldn't want to watch outtakes from a Poison concert?
It's taken from the show in St. Louis, and it's Poison - Live, Raw and Uncut. Oh, this has parent-appropriate written all over it. And as they watch the show, something strange comes over Bisexual, and she morphs into Super Groupie. She does her ho dance all over the room, and one point it looks like she's slithering across the floor doing The Worm. Sexy! Bret says that he's really seeing her come alive, but he's concerned that she comes alive for Bret the Rock Star, but not Bret the Real Person. Meanwhile, he's holding Soccer Mom's hand while they watch.
Now we're slightly more compatible.
And later that night, it's time for the first date with Muppet and her ex-boyfriend's sister, Jumbo Claw Clip. Bisexual doesn't want to see Bret go, so she gives him a big ol' smooch before he goes. I have to note, that Bret never seems too into it when he's kissing Bisexual. And as for Muppet, she calls Bisexual's kiss "classless". Takes a lot of silicone, fake hair and neck tattoos to know class, doesn't it?
Bret, Muppet and the ex's sister head to the Rainbow for a late night date. "It's, like, one of the most famous rock and roll places ever!" exclaims Muppet excitedly. Great burgers too, if you're ever in the neighborhood. And Muppet's right, a rock star sighting at the Rainbow is pretty much guaranteed.
"Never been?" asks Bret suspiciously. "Never ever!" she replies breathlessly, "I've never been anywhere!" Subtle, Muppet. So she's carrying on about how it's the coolest date ever, but Bret's got an ulterior motive - he wants to know more about Charles. And he gets right to the point. "Friends, okay. One bedroom, okay. Lease, okay. No sex in two years? I don't buy it."
Muppet is predictably annoyed that Bret's ruining the coolest date ever with his silly quest for truth about her past. "Somebody cheated on somebody, and it wasn't me," she says. Oooh, cryptic. "But there's a missing piece," Bret insists. "Well, my life isn't black and white, it's color," Muppet says, as though this explains it all. "Thanks for the education, Kodak, but what the hell are you talking about?" Bret tells us.
Did I stutter? I'm colored.
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Comments (32)
ChickBomb!!! finally... i have been waiting patiently for your recap since sunday! i am weirdly obsessed with ROL... think i might need therapy...but your recaps are 100 times funnier than the show could ever be.
1 of 32 | Posted by shellbell | Posted on April 10, 2008 1:42 PM
I was weirdly obsessed last season and called it "My guilty pleasure" when some family members thought I was nuts for watching it. This season I can't take the guilt/shame so I watch it in secret. :)
2 of 32 | Posted by Clair | Posted on April 10, 2008 3:29 PM
Yes Soccer Mom, how dare Destiney not be "in love" with Bret after 3 whole weeks like you are?! Please, Bret just pick your chick that you'll leave by the reunion show so we can have a third season worthy of the first's legacy.
On another topic, am I the only person serously contempating buying the Rock of Love season 1 DVD they keep advertising? Holy ish I could watch that season over and over.
3 of 32 | Posted by Tigermilk | Posted on April 10, 2008 3:32 PM
I miss the days of Lacy drunkenly crawling on the table and hitting on Badass Brandi...oh the memories. Now we have to make due with someone lying about their age - I agree Tigermilk, this season is a disgrace to the first season and Flasher's legacy.
BTW, did anyone else not know Destiney was 31? Yes, I'll admit it, I was on the ROL wikipedia page.
4 of 32 | Posted by VegasDarling | Posted on April 10, 2008 4:20 PM
and another thing... soccer mom makes me want to jump through the tv screen to punch her in the wide open mouth. i almost lost my lunch when i saw the previews for next week... "i'm not wearing any underwear..." she's no better than any of the other hos... at least daisy is good at ho-ing it up. my boyfriend wants soccer mom to win. i want her to get hit by a minivan.
feels good to get that off my chest... i officially have no life
5 of 32 | Posted by shellbell | Posted on April 10, 2008 4:39 PM
ambre is so annoying.
she is so self righteous.
how the hell does she not realize she lied about her age? in that flash back, she deliberately paused before she said "32". and whether you have to lie for your career or not, you STILL know what age you are. so you still know when you lie about it. speaking of her "career", i hear she's an actress and had a cameo in "sweet home alabama". god, i hope she loses. she pretends to be such a goody two shoes, and is always calling the other girls out, but i question her the most. i think she's fake.
and chick bomb, you are so right about bret's double standard. he complains daisy and ambre weren't honest, but eliminated destiney for being honest. i mean, how are you supposed to fall in total love with a guy you've known for 3 weeks, and who's been making out with other girls every day? i like destiney, she seemed like a cool girl. just because she's not dumb enough to get bret's name tattooed on her neck [sorry, heather. i love you but it was dumb] doesn't mean she wasn't there for him.
i'd like to see daisy win. because i cannot stand ambre. her and bret would make such an odd couple.
6 of 32 | Posted by hollabackboy | Posted on April 10, 2008 5:14 PM
Thank you, Chickbomb, for making the recap more exciting than the actual episode.
This season is ridiculous. So boring. The two episodes with Heather are the only good episodes. When they DO fight/get dramtastic, it's forced. It's like...they know Brett WANTS them to fight (ratings!), so they have to fight to stay on the show.
I don't want either of them to win.
Also, I actually thought BiDaddy's head tattoo was freakin' cool- but then, I hang out with some weird people.
Oh yeah. and Charles sister looks like the poor man's Maryl Streep.
7 of 32 | Posted by dangerdarling | Posted on April 10, 2008 5:31 PM
Oops...I obviously meant Meryl Streep. Not Maryl.
8 of 32 | Posted by dangerdarling | Posted on April 10, 2008 6:31 PM
CB - Once again, you've outdone yourself!
Clair, no need to watch in secret, I thought that too, I was a closet ROL fan. It is hard work, being ready to flip to C SPAN, nodding intelligently, when anyone else comes by. But then, I accidentally let it slip that I knew what one of the jokes about ROL was about during the Soup. Gasp! The horror! Everyone was on to me, I thought the gig was up. But then it dawned on me, hey, they all got it too! Now we're all out in the open about it ... it's much fun to not have to switch to CSPAN, and okay, seriously debate, we're all 50-50 on the finale! :)
9 of 32 | Posted by chelle | Posted on April 10, 2008 8:59 PM
if you go to Ambre's myspace there's a blog about how her voice was dubbed during that meditation thing. i don't know if she's telling the truth, but the did some shady editing with Heather last season.
Also, did anyone else knwo she was in the movie Sweet Home Alabama???
10 of 32 | Posted by sheyanicole | Posted on April 10, 2008 9:08 PM
Your recaps are way too good for this show! :-)
I, too, noticed the resemblance of Charles's sister to the talented Meryl Streep. Just from that short time she was on, I'd pick her (or Ms. Streep) over any of the "real" contestants!
11 of 32 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on April 10, 2008 9:37 PM
Just wanted to say that I also thought that Daisy asking about if it were John Stamos was from out of left field...And if it were Jon Bon Jovi they'd have to fight me too. Now HE is dreamy! *sigh*
Anyways, great recap as usual :) Can't wait to see the finale. I really don't know who I want to win considering I don't like either of them. I read somewhere that he actually picked Kristy Joe and the rest of the episodes after she left were just to honor his contract... I dunno how reliable the person who said it is but it's interesting. Probably not true though.
12 of 32 | Posted by MichyPR | Posted on April 11, 2008 2:01 AM
I'm embarrassed to admit this, but if they ever make Full House of Love with John Stamos, you can sign me up.
13 of 32 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on April 11, 2008 6:51 AM
Heyyy-O!
ITA with the recap and the commenters -
Destiny was very likeable and sensible in this epi.
Hahahah at CESM for being busted about lying! Doesn't she know she's being taped? Yes. Yes she does.
The Hair!! Whats up with it? Fake or real? Receeding? Somethings off.
That woman lloked like Meryl Streep! Must be a relative!
14 of 32 | Posted by Sweetleaf | Posted on April 11, 2008 8:01 AM
haha full house of love. I'm there. oh uncle jesse.
do you remember last season when lacey and heather took credit for systematically targeting girls and getting them booted? Their success cannot compare to ambres. She is MUCH better at
manipulation.
At this point he has to pick daisy. If I saw them in real life in the pages of us weekly together I wouldn't be surprised but he and ambre make no sense. also she's a self righteous snobby uptight beyotch.
15 of 32 | Posted by chunkymonkey | Posted on April 11, 2008 8:42 AM
Daddybi's tattoo looked like motorcycle tire tracks, as if his head had been run over by a Harley.
I totally share the guilty pleasure felling, btw.
16 of 32 | Posted by susie | Posted on April 11, 2008 9:51 AM
I am lucky enough to work in TV post-production house where at least 1/3 of us have been watching ROL and openly discussing it at lunch, so I've managed to remain shame-free in my ROL addiction. I liked Ambre at first but WOW...to call out the other Hos only to be a "TV host" or "personality" or whatever else...lame. Destiny was a good match...kinda wild, decent age, great family w/similar interests. Too bad...I found myself on Team Destiny by the end of this ep. I would LOVE to know what went down between Daisy and her fam. 15 is awfully young to be on your own...methinks someone had an "older boyfriend."
17 of 32 | Posted by suedisco | Posted on April 11, 2008 11:24 AM
i watched that episode again where she tells bret she's 32 and it sounded dubbed to me. they didn't even get a shot of her saying "32" in that scene -- they conveniently cut away at that moment. which would make sense if they dubbed in "32" from her telling one of the other girls that was her age.
so, i really don't think she lied to bret at all.
18 of 32 | Posted by bonita | Posted on April 11, 2008 1:37 PM
It wouldn't surprise me one bit that a dubbed lie was perpetrated on Soccer Mom. I also totally didn't buy the extra-long hugging scene, where supposedly she and her dad let Bret say AHEM or whatever five times before they broke their embrace. No way do I buy that as anything but manipulative editing.
It looks like a clip show this weekend. :-(
19 of 32 | Posted by Memememe | Posted on April 12, 2008 1:57 PM
I like Ambre. There. I said it. Not going to take it back either. Uh uh.
She's smart, pretty (except for the hair), crafty enough to handle any groupies who pop up, and close enough to Bret's age.
He's looking pretty tuckered out himself this season--ever wonder why he's not partying hard like the last time? No way he'd be interested in a young high-energy idiot like Daisy. Not for 'luv' anyway.
Besides, didn't he shave a couple/few years off his own age last season? Which makes Ambre perfect for him.
20 of 32 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 13, 2008 3:19 PM
OMG can't wait for the finale recap. Reunion looks good!!!!
21 of 32 | Posted by MichyPR | Posted on April 13, 2008 8:00 PM
Alllllrighty then...if Ambre WAS dubbed then she's got more splain' to do peeps...
If we go down the road that this shaman did indeed ask her age...here are the scenarios:
1: If she answered with the truth, Bret took a pretty big chance confronting her in front of her dad of a lie she never told, as this could have totally backfired. ESPECIALLY if she was dubbed since she would KNOW that she didn't lie. It could have blown the whole storyline about her age out of the water and made it useless for the show.
2. She lied
Or we consider the another option....and the only way out of this entire mess for CESM - To make the giant leap that this ENTIRE CONVERSATION about her age with the Shaman never happened - not just her response - but the whole dang thing. That would mean that Mr. Rent-a-Shaman's question was dubbed in as well as her response - but I'm not sure I but this and for one important reason. If you read Ambre's response to all this, she claims only that her voice was dubbed. She never says she wan't asked the question. So....that means she answered it...with some number.
So...who's lying? CESM or Bret/Producers.
22 of 32 | Posted by realitee | Posted on April 13, 2008 8:23 PM
Maybe she didn't lie and Bret just didn't really remember what age she said she was? It's hard to keep track of all them ho's.
23 of 32 | Posted by MichyPR | Posted on April 14, 2008 10:41 AM
Ok, so if she wasn't lying (as she claims on her MySpace blog)....then why all the "Oh my goodness, gracious, heavens....booo hoooo I lied to Bret" nonsense?
24 of 32 | Posted by sardini | Posted on April 14, 2008 2:00 PM
Totally agree that them is a lot of numbers to keep in that rograin filled brain of his....
Buuut if this was all just 'cause he couldn't remember who told him what, you figure that her response would have been more like "nope, never told you I was 31 or 32, I told you I was 107 years old when Bob-o-Shaman asked."
On top of that she prob told all the zygotes in the house that she was 31 just so that they wouldn't put her in the Grandma Cathy and 2.0 club.
One last thing before I poke my eyes out with a hot poker I am so said this is almost over....but the producers knew how old she was from her app....set up set up set up. They made sure Daddy had a "whoops" moment.
25 of 32 | Posted by realitee | Posted on April 14, 2008 8:18 PM
Totally agree that them is a lot of numbers to keep in that rograin filled brain of his....
Buuut if this was all just 'cause he couldn't remember who told him what, you figure that her response would have been more like "nope, never told you I was 31 or 32, I told you I was 107 years old when Bob-o-Shaman asked."
On top of that she prob told all the zygotes in the house that she was 31 just so that they wouldn't put her in the Grandma Cathy and 2.0 club.
One last thing before I poke my eyes out with a hot poker I am so sad this is almost over....but the producers knew how old she was from her app....set up set up set up. They made sure Daddy had a "whoops" moment.
26 of 32 | Posted by realitee | Posted on April 14, 2008 8:18 PM
Totally agree that them is a lot of numbers to keep in that rograin filled brain of his....
Buuut if this was all just 'cause he couldn't remember who told him what, you figure that her response would have been more like "nope, never told you I was 31 or 32, I told you I was 107 years old when Bob-o-Shaman asked."
On top of that she prob told all the zygotes in the house that she was 31 just so that they wouldn't put her in the Grandma Cathy and 2.0 club.
One last thing before I poke my eyes out with a hot poker I am so sad this is almost over....but the producers knew how old she was from her app....set up set up set up. They made sure Daddy had a "whoops" moment.
27 of 32 | Posted by realitee | Posted on April 14, 2008 8:18 PM
Totally agree that them is a lot of numbers to keep in that rogaine filled brain of his....
Buuut if this was all just 'cause he couldn't remember who told him what, you figure that her response would have been more like "nope, never told you I was 31 or 32, I told you I was 107 when Bob-o-Shaman asked."
On top of that she prob told all the zygotes in the house that she was 31 just so that they wouldn't put her in the Grandma Cathy and 2.0 club.
One last thing before I poke my eyes out with a hot poker I am so sad this is almost over - but the producers knew how old she was from her app....set up set up set up. They made sure Daddy had a "whoops" moment.
28 of 32 | Posted by realitee | Posted on April 14, 2008 8:21 PM
ohmigod...i hate when that happens. Apologies and free drinks for everyone
29 of 32 | Posted by User Name | Posted on April 14, 2008 8:26 PM
What happened to the finale recap? I'm pretty sure I read it and now I can't find it. Also, no reunion recap? :( Old news, I know.
30 of 32 | Posted by michypr | Posted on April 29, 2008 11:32 AM
I am obsessed with your recaps CB I love them! However where is the rock of love reunion recap??
31 of 32 | Posted by bmo1126 | Posted on May 2, 2008 1:17 PM
So.... I take it there is no reunion recap?
That kinda blows.
32 of 32 | Posted by mariaisabel | Posted on May 7, 2008 8:49 AM