Welcome back to the Rock of Love Bus! There's no doubt about the life lessons learned from Rock of Love, and this week we learn a big one about dressing trashy that I was happily able to apply to my own life.
Man I wish I brought a book.
Me too.
I have had the honor this past week of playing nurse for my dear and hot friend ChickDoc, who is unfortunately stranded at home recovering from shoulder surgery. Fortunately, he's stranded at home on the beach in Malibu, he was smart enough to strand me with him, and also to buy me some ridiculously expensive shoes for my "trouble". Well, perhaps "buy" isn't the right word, so much as "didn't kill me or even really yell at me when he came out of general anesthesia and found out how much they cost".
Anyway, you use a man's credit card for some Louboutins while he's laid up in the hospital bed, you better be prepared to get him onboard with the purchase. Which is why when it came time for this week's viewing of Rock of Love Bus, I was delighted to tart up in sparkly black bikini bottoms, a tight Led Zeppelin t-shirt and my high class whore shoes. "Trashy!" ChickDoc exclaimed, as enthusiastically as a guy covered in ice packs with screws in his shoulder could. So thank you, Bret Michaels, for showing me the way. The wonder known as ChickDoc was the captain of the football team at his Ivy League college and now spends his time literally curing cancer, but of all my ensembles (and believe me, considering how much I spent on shoes, there were a lot), the trashy ho was the star of the show. I might be thinking book deal.
But in Bret's world, tonight we've hit the big time, and we're staying in a tall hotel! No more Motel 6 now that the best hos have risen to the top. Token Natasha says how happy she is that Marcia's gone cause she was getting close to choking her. Murderous urges on the Rock of Love Bus. It's all so dramatic! They get outside and find a note telling them that the next stop on the tour of the midwest is St. Louis. "Where's that?" asks Juliette Lewis Ashley. I just love her so much, I've never found stupidity so endearing. Oh, and also Farrah's boobs look amazing in a shredded t-shirt.
We're going to half a McDonalds.
On the bus, the hos continue to discuss their cluelessness about geography, and how Farrah and Juliette Lewis are "over" Token Natasha. Juliette Lewis doesn't like her face, and Farrah finds her "lame". Juliette Lewis thinks she's a man, and Farrah freaks out whenever she boards the bus cause she thinks it's Bret. Token, who's not quite the badass mean girl she thought she was, wanders around the bunks while my hos roll their eyes at her. I so want them in my entourage.
Wash your jock strap in the sink or something, cuz it's getting stank in here dude.
But then we catch up with Bret, and there's something troubling him. While I've found the Rock of Love Bus a viral dumpster of entertainment, Bret's concerned that he hasn't made any serious connections with the hos so far. On the last two Rock of Loves, the house ones, he had feelings for at least a few of the hos by now. And what better way to deal with this problem than at the Hustler Club?
I'm in so much pain. I think it's gonna rain. Holy shit I wish I had a pen to write that down.
Naturally, downers Penthouse Taya, Whiner Mindy and Boring Butch Beverly are annoyed upon discovering the location. But they bet the pink bus is thrilled. And they sure are! We cut to Juliette Lewis screaming with glee and Farrah delightedly yelling, "Shut the french up!" They get inside, take one look at the poles and there's a pink bus chorus of "Hell yeah baby, I'm home!". Bret enters the club in his silver cowboy hat that I love, and welcomes the hos to the "fine gentleman's establishment". He talks about hos who rock, but don't roll? Oh Bret, it doesn't always have to be some not-so-clever euphemism. Stop trying so hard.
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Comments (11)
Pierced mute Brittanya is the slutty second coming of Aundrea from "MTB 3 & 4" on MTV (making the band).
I hope Token gives Juliette a beatdown on the reunion show of Sharon Osbourne/Megan proportions.
1 of 11 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on February 13, 2009 7:47 AM
I recognize that you're on Team Farrah and all, but you kind of glossed over the fact that she looks like total shit in the morning without her makeup (she rocks that inbred hillbilly look though)...even those zeppelins she calls tits looked kind of deflated.
And anyway, she's definitely more into Juliette than she is Bret.
If Token was a guy, then she had some excellent surgery done (there's a link in the forums for a porno she made). Still, there was no reason to keep her around.
I'm kind of thinking now that the bus trip wasn't such a great idea...not enough time for the girls to get bored and drunk and tear each other's hair out. I'm gathering that Bret isn't feeling the concept either.
I'm starting to feel sorry for him. He's looking really tired. Maybe it's the diuhbeetus.
2 of 11 | Posted by itchy | Posted on February 13, 2009 10:59 AM
This epi had potential but then totes fell flat. I have a few things to say but first things first...
@ slutty_whore: Brittanya is NOT the second coming of the lovely Aundrea of the former Danity Kane. Them's fighting words. Brittanya is more like the girlfriend of the guy who used to sell me weed in high school. If I would've happened to accidently touched the guy's hand while I grabbed my bag of goodies that bitch would've pulled the switch blade (or box cutter) so fast outta her 'do, I wouldn't have had time to scream "OMG, is that my face on the floor!"
As for the new girls...ewww. What the hell. Nerdy Ho is like a long-ass finger nail since she's grown so tall she's started curving. Then Sporty Ho's face is tiny and is it me or does it seem her jaw is wired shut when she talks. And Rosie HoDonoll's name says it all: chubbs.
A-Bomb is still my fave and I think she'll take it all.
Token should have hung up the tutu a long time ago. I read on Dlisted that she was on a porn site TugJobs with the name Scarlett Mei Dior (hahahaha) and that she has a vagina. The guy that writes Dlisted says it may take an "expert" to determine whether its a vag that was sculpted from peen skin or an authentic one.
I for one think Butch should shut her damn mouth. If Bret want to bone several girlies in front of her, she must remain silent and accept it. She totally forgot she made out with his drummer and he kept her and IT WAS ALL CAUGHT ON TAPE! What a (stupid) whore.
3 of 11 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on February 13, 2009 11:20 AM
Alright: Token at eliminates equals unicorn. I just kept thinking how much her hair style made her look like a unicorn.
Also my question is: Why are these girls on this show? Knowing that it isn't really going to lead to a relationship with Bret, why do they do it? I am just missing something here.
4 of 11 | Posted by areyoucliff | Posted on February 13, 2009 11:58 AM
LOVE, LOVE, LOVES IT! Great recap. And I am soooo jealous of the ChickDoc. Did anyone else notice that Brett said he was a competer, not a competitor? LOL How many women a season does he f***? Yuck.
Keep up the great work and enjoy ChickDoc.
5 of 11 | Posted by oldmomoftoddlerboys | Posted on February 13, 2009 1:24 PM
Well, I liked the tall "new contestant". Farrah, however, is driving me crazy with her whole "what the french" thing. She's pretty cool beyond that. We clearly have a front-runner in "Juliette".
6 of 11 | Posted by Recneps999 | Posted on February 13, 2009 2:42 PM
I'm not convinced Juliette Lewis actually told Bret her suspicions about Token. The whole scene is edited so that we only hear her voice while the camera is on him, we never see her speaking. My theory is the producers took her conversation with Farrah and spliced it with reaction shots of her time with Bret. Anyone with me on this?
Also, where can I find my own ChickDoc?
7 of 11 | Posted by natural redhead | Posted on February 13, 2009 5:28 PM
I'm all caught up watching my Tour Episodes, yawl. Now I can come & play too, and let me tell you: the recaps and comments are infinitely superior to anything about this reality show. It is so damn boring, the host is shrugging his shoulders and picking people off the streets to carry along. Not feelin' it, dawg. Needs more tequila.
Long Live ChickBomb.
8 of 11 | Posted by Memememe | Posted on February 13, 2009 10:51 PM
This season of ROL is a huge let down. I do like Ashley's super dry humor her delivery is priceless but I don't see any real deep emotions or raw intellect in her pretty little head. Farrah bugs me her boobs are ridiculous, Brittanya at first seemed like a total sex bomb Mata Hari but she has the IQ/personality of a door knob. Feh. The whole Natasha is a man uproar was childish and mean. I personally do not think there is anything mannish about her other than a slightly deeper voice than normal. I have seen her X rated pictures and I don't think she has anything to prove to anyone. Stupid. This season is like getting socks for christmas.
9 of 11 | Posted by belladivision | Posted on February 14, 2009 3:07 AM
Well, I've seen her sex reel too, and between that and appearing on the ROL Bus, she's fair game for anything. Besides, I'm guessing that these people who choose the life of media whore don't really care what you say about them, as long as you're talking about them. I suppose it's always been that way.
But Bella makes a great point: if Brittanya had been packing a wicked intelligence, she would have been kick ass hot. As it is, I'm wondering if her handlers also performed a lobotomy on her while they were jabbing her full of weird piercings.
10 of 11 | Posted by itchy | Posted on February 14, 2009 10:12 AM
Without those gigantic boobs, Farrah is a bit mannish herself.
I think the bus approach was a mistake. Especially since Bret is only on the road a few weeks out of the year. He probably flies.
11 of 11 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on February 14, 2009 8:44 PM