Welcome back onboard the Rock of Love Bus! Got your pasties and tube socks? Sounds crazy, but trust me, it's the perfect ensemble for tonight's installment. This was one of the best Rock of Loves ever.
Top Heif
When we meet again, we're still in Nashville. The hos are trading clothes, and overall seem pretty unaffected by Sporty Ho's departure. Except Juliette Lewis Ashley who sees it as a sure sign that the two other new hos will be gone soon. But before she goes, it's Nerdy Ho Janey's turn to pluck Bret's note off the bus and announce that they're headed to Alabama!
On the blue bus, Penthouse Taya is sharing what she calls "kickass news" with her fellow blue bus hos - she's been named Pet of the Year! She couldn't be prouder. The hos couldn't be less impressed. "It's a huge deal," she informs them, wondering why no one's squealing with glee and popping champers for her. Still nothing. The only comments the other hos have are Gopher Face Mindy and new blue bus recruit, Pierced Mute Brittanya, who say that Penthouse talks Penthouse far too much.
"The owner of the company called me this morning," Penthouse continues bragging. We are treated a flashback of Penthouse lying in bed on the phone with a raspy voiced guy, no doubt dressed to the nines in a polyester shirt unbuttoned to the navel and seven gold chains, one with a charm in the shape of an implant. "Congratulations, sugar****," he chortles. See Taya, someone's happy for you.
Next Stop: Nobel Peace Prize
Back on the bus, Penthouse has somehow taken the other hos' complete disinterest in her Sleazy Ho of the Year award into an invitation to launch into a speech about how it's not about caring what people think - ummmm....obviously. She prattles on about how she can't be devalued, and Boring Butch Beverly mentions that Penthouse is insecure. You know, that's a misconception in life. True some conceited people are masking insecurity, but some conceited people are just conceited, and that's our friend Penty. Boring Butch does say that she's irritating and annoying though, and I'm totally on board with that sentiment.
But enough about that, cause next thing I know we've pulled into a truckstop with an enormous, colorful statue of a chicken and we don't look back. There's bleachers, and people cheering and then there's a sign - Truck Stop Games! "They're gonna love it, and it ain't gonna suck for me either," promises Bret followed by a grand welcome to the First Annual Bret Michaels Truck Stop Games!
Bret tells us that his loves are women, sports and touring the country in the bus. What this has to do with a trailer trash festival in Alabama, I'm not sure but with a jumbo sized chicken sculpture involved, who really cares? The hos are split into teams of three - Team Blue is Boring Butch, Juliette Lewis and Rosie HoDonnell Cami. Team Green is Nerdy Ho, Gopher and Pierced Mute. Team Yellow is Kelsey, Farrah and Penthouse. Farrah and Kels aren't too happy about being stuck with Penthouse. Farrah especially makes a point of mentioning how Penthouse looks down on her and Juliette Lewis for being strippers. Oh, they're strippers? I don't think I knew that. I mean, I did of course, but I don't think I knew on the record.
I was leaning towards lawyer.
Bret tells the hos that the winning team gets the "most awesome" date in the world. The most awesome? Wow, who saw that one coming? For reals though, how does he plan on beating last weeks G4 date? If it's anything that happens in Alabama, I can already tell you it's a gonna be a dud. He sends the hos off to a very creepy looking Motel 6 type establishment to change into their Truck Stop Games uniforms, which are daisy dukes and little tank tops. Farrah tells us she's blonde, got boobs and sex appeal, and her team's gonna win hands down. I don't really get how this will translate into winning this thing, but I'm about to find out.
The first event is the Beer Belly Flop. Each team nominates one ho to climb up some bales of hay and belly flop into an oversized kiddie pool full of beer. Nerdy Ho is up first for the Green Team. Oh, did I forget the judges? They are Truckers, right from the Trucker pool at Central Casting. Big, ruddy-cheeked bearded truckers. One of them is even wearing overalls. We're fully committed.
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Comments (15)
This episode was great. Other than the first season, this show hasn't been nearly as much fun. But, nothing else on on Sunday nights so I watch. And is it just me, or does this group of twats seem the least interested in him than any other season? They seem to be more about partying.
1 of 15 | Posted by BeerGod | Posted on March 6, 2009 12:44 PM
Did anyone notice that Farrah appeared to be sporting the sparkly star bracelet from the Paula Abdul QVC line that Paula's been pimping on AI?
2 of 15 | Posted by vanillacupcakes | Posted on March 6, 2009 12:53 PM
I LOLed at "Who works during the day? Don't be stupid."
Great recap.
3 of 15 | Posted by Clair | Posted on March 6, 2009 1:05 PM
Did anyone else notice that Farrah sounds exactly like Chyna?
4 of 15 | Posted by flowie623 | Posted on March 6, 2009 1:51 PM
Please VHI produce a show with just Ashley and Farrah. It would be the best show ever.
5 of 15 | Posted by baxter | Posted on March 6, 2009 2:01 PM
I do believe that IS a Paula bracelet, I mean, who wouldn't recognize it after all the shameless branding we've seen over the past few weeks.
6 of 15 | Posted by Scarlet | Posted on March 6, 2009 2:41 PM
First of all, I just have to say that Butch Beverly is NOT fat. In fact, she looks pretty damn good for having 3 kids.
Secondly, I think I am starting to crush on Big John. It's so weird!
And last, Farrah and Ashley are the $hit!! I know Ashley's gonna make it down to the final two, probably with someone who is not (as) openly trashtastic and Bret'll pick the other one like he always does, even thought the partying stripper is totally his soulmate. But then we can have a Rock Of Love 4. And I'm totally okay with that. Bring. It. On!
7 of 15 | Posted by jadestarla | Posted on March 6, 2009 5:01 PM
I'm highly skeptical of the whole four-way orgy thing.
Sure, I can see Juliette being involved in pretty much anything. But the other two? Well, depends on how much they were drinking I suppose. And we've seen what happens to the Butch mom when she's had a few (I mean, if she could make out with that mohawk drummer guy, she's probably capable of anything).
But mostly, my skepticism stems from the fact that Bret's a 46 (eh-hem) year old diabetic. Unlikely he could keep up. Even with Viagra.
And yeah, none of these women are into him at all. They're just there for the television --but they're especially there to make the Ego look like he's still a stud. And not just another tired balding guy.
The mute's character's kind growing on me. FWIW, to me, a go-go dancer is a girl who does the background dancing at clubs, concerts, but doesn't necessarily strip off her clothing to rub her vajayjay in the faces of guys hardup enough to pay for that sort of thing. Which would explain her hopelessness on the pole. And her inability to fake it around Bret.
8 of 15 | Posted by itchy | Posted on March 7, 2009 1:11 AM
I agree, Itchy. I don't think there was a 4 person orgy. What I expect happened is that the two girls were kissing on him uncomfortably while Ashley gave him a BJ (no NOT BIG JOHN! lol). That would be my bet.
9 of 15 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on March 7, 2009 4:29 AM
Ooh Snootch, you obviously have a much stronger constitution that I do, because I didn't even allow myself to start imagining what it is these skanks (Bret included) might have gotten up to.
Ew. Ick. Outtamybrain you nasty image! Too late, I'm scarred for life...now everytime I see Juliette's shiny lips I'm going to wonder why that is...
10 of 15 | Posted by itchy | Posted on March 7, 2009 6:56 AM
Itchy, you are NOT that innocent, so just stop! lol
And I didn't spend time thinking about it. That is what immediately came to mind because
a) The girl who left, Wasshername, said that it disturbed her to watch him and Ashley carrying on. So that leads me to believe she wasn't much of a participant.
b) Bev doesn't seem to be the type to go along with the crowd just to please Bret. Remember the strip club incident? Plus she already said that she wouldn't share him if they were together.
c) Ashley is a complete and total slut. But while I don't put any actions past her, I don't see Bret going for full on sex with two uncomfortable girls in the room. Lawsuits could rise out of that shit. So... Lets do the math:
A + B + C = BJ. :p
11 of 15 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on March 7, 2009 7:42 AM
I bow to the impeccabiliciousness of your logic.
12 of 15 | Posted by itchy | Posted on March 7, 2009 8:02 AM
Dear Chickbomb,
Great recap, love the comment about the "Flirty Girl" DVD. Maybe that's where whatshername perfected her pole skills.
Can this get any skankier?
TVannie
13 of 15 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on March 7, 2009 6:48 PM
I love this trainwreck of a show!
Question - anyone think that BJ might have sold out Skipper because he has a major crush on her? I've never seen him give any other girls that much attention!
OMG - when Juliette Lewis had the Lean Cuisine and couldn't get it out of the box, I was seriously hysterical!
Recap GOLD!
14 of 15 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on March 9, 2009 9:33 AM
I was only able to watch until my gag reflex kicked in. So I read your recaps b/c they are so hilarious. I can not believe grown woman are actinmg like this on television for a has been. This is my first time watching this dating show and these women are skanks. The best one was the girl that left b/c she was sick. And I am so over petskank, I looked at her nude picks and the doctor who did her penis surgery left some of it hanging. She needs to get over herself and I liked that you called a spade a conceited spade.
15 of 15 | Posted by amiddla1969 | Posted on March 9, 2009 4:51 PM