I've been away. Get naked and let me make it up to you with the tale of last week's Rock of Love Bus...
This show used to be so classy!
Never complain, never explain is all I usually have to say. But this takes the prize for the latest recap ever, and I'm not explaining, but I am sorry.
We pick up right where we left off, with Penthouse Taya and Bret making out and the rest of the hos back on the bus. Juliette Lewis Ashly is totally freaking out. "My BFF isn't here," she says, panicking over the loss of her lesbian lover Farrah. But hope lives as suddenly, "I hear stripper shoes!" Juliette Lewis declares. What kind of clue is that? All we know is it isn't Boring Butch Beverly. Or Farrah. It's Penty, with messed up lipstick that Gopher Mindy is happy to point out. And then we're off to St. Augustine.
The hos disembark with Nerdy Ho Janey in the lead...and a sparkly headband. It doesn't look any less stupid on her than Mischa Barton. And it's not Bret's look. He likes a big headful of weave. The hos have determined that today's the day their exes are coming to visit, and Boring Butch is carrying on and on about how excited she is to see someone from home. They sit around the hotel room talking about how one of the accessory pillows is the same rotten eggplant color as Boring Butch's hair. "This is the most boring conversation I've ever had," Juliette Lewis announces to the room. How can you not love a ho who walks into a room and tells everyone they're total bores?
Prettiest eye whites ever.
Finally we catch up with Bret. Indeed he has invited some guests to get to know his hos a little bit better! He tells us in his usual colorful and completely nonsensical way that he's ripping open the closet door, letting the bones fall out and seeing which ones have a pulse. But Bret's got a skeleton of his own, and her name is Soccer Mom Ambre. He's also got the one who got away, Flasher Heather. And they're both here to get the dirt on the current batch of hos. Flasher looks awesome, even though she's not wearing one of her spangly stripper dresses.
Save a ho. Recycle.
And then, the exes arrive! Boring Butch, who spent the whole morning being excited to "see someone from home" starts overzealously freaking out. There's five guys. Two look like thugs, and three look like bores. Not surprisingly, the thugs belong to Juliette Lewis and Pierced Mute Brittanya, and the bores belong to Penty, Gopher and Nerdy Ho. Juliette Lewis is absolutely delighted to see her thug. She gets really mushy about it, and I'm immediately on alert.
Pierced Mute tells us her dude isn't even an ex, just a "booty call". Nerdy Ho's guy is actually pretty funny looking, but she's just happy they didn't drag her ex husband into this. Gopher says her ex is "controversial". And as for Boring Butch...she's got nothing. Bret tells her, "On a serious note, we asked Alan to come and he declined." I say this every season and I'll say it again, your ex not showing up for this episode is the best reference they could give you! I have more respect for Boring Butch than ever. At one time at least, she was married to someone with some sense.
But Boring Butch, who appears to be growing more unstable with each passing moment, is devastated. "I look like an idiot! No one cares enough!," she says dramatically. Way to stay on your game, Boring Butch. This is so all about your ex. Bret takes the new hos for some alone time, and leaves the old hos to talk with the exes. Flasher drags out her tired old line about how she "can't wait to get the dirt".
It's Penthouse with a mustache.
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Comments (28)
I'm so glad to see you're back CB. Can't wait for the next one! The Rock of Love Bus experience isn't complete until I read your recaps and laugh myself silly.
1 of 28 | Posted by weejie | Posted on March 24, 2009 3:21 PM
I laughed myself silly too. "Meanwhile, Soccer Mom does the twist" cracked me up!
2 of 28 | Posted by Clair | Posted on March 24, 2009 3:31 PM
My hubby told me the phrase James was saying was, "No one pulls my pu$$y" and that it's a Latino thing. He grew up in San Antonio, so I guess he would know? All I can say is ewww! I was sad to see Juliette Lewis go, I really thought she and Bret had a chance! I hate Penty, so I guess I'm rooting for Mindy? How did that happen?
3 of 28 | Posted by Valmommyt | Posted on March 24, 2009 3:55 PM
"Rock of Love Weave"?!
Where can I get one stapled on????
4 of 28 | Posted by vegasdarling | Posted on March 24, 2009 4:27 PM
Juliette was okay for a little while, but I was done with her weeks ago already-- she's just too happy about being stupid, which I just can't get behind.
It's kind of cute though that she's actually a family gal -- even if it's the skankiest family on planet Earth. Makes you wonder why she came on the show? What's she selling?
I definitely agree that Mindy should look into having her lips sewn shut.
And the Mute girl...I have the feeling she was coerced into this by her agent and/or pimp. Which is why she just shut down most of the time. But as soon as she was kicked off, the pressure was off, and she found her voice again.
5 of 28 | Posted by itchy | Posted on March 24, 2009 4:29 PM
What, in the name of fashion, is Juliette Lewis' ex wearing?! They make camisoles for men?!
Btw, has anyone seen the new promo ads for Daisy of Love? Um, eeeww.
6 of 28 | Posted by tlicious420 | Posted on March 24, 2009 4:37 PM
I was thinking the same thing, tlicious! I used to have a tank top like that.
There are good-looking, sexy, tattooed bald thugs...and then there is James. And the other one (Jaz?) looks like a dissipated, filth-encrusted Mystery from The Pickup Artist.
He's gotta go with Mindy, now.
7 of 28 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on March 24, 2009 7:09 PM
Holy Cow! I *WAS* naked when I read your first sentence (having just concluded my usual evening bath & cocktail & E News) ...
Spooky!
now, reading on...
8 of 28 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on March 24, 2009 7:41 PM
A masterpiece of a recap Chickbomb. I'm not really up on thug vernacular either and it turns out I was imagining all the incorrect terms to replace the bleep. Thanks Valmommyt for the explanation.
Bret is just looking tired and pissed off. I don't think he likes any of them and he realized a while ago that Juliette Lewis was diggin Farrah way more than him.
Seems like he hasn't got any action, except with Ashley. Season 1 & 2 damn near all of them were servicing him. I guess it leaves the door open for next year.
ChickBomb, I really did laugh out loud throughout the entire recap. Thanks for making STD's & thugs funny.
9 of 28 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on March 24, 2009 10:20 PM
Shantigal, I think Bret screwed himself... or perhaps I should say "unscrewed" himself... by putting them on buses. At the house, any of them could wander into his room for the nightly servicing, but at the hotel (or sleeping on the bus) that is a bit more difficult. I wonder if they ditch the buses on the next season.
On the Ashley front: Originally, we all thought that she was a skank. Funny, but still a skank. Then we saw her with kids and we were a little bit "awwww... she's a good mommy" until we saw the daddy and then we went right to skeevetown. I wonder if it was the same with Bret.
10 of 28 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on March 25, 2009 3:39 AM
I'm sorry but it just won't be the same without Juliette Lewis. Her one liners alone made me want to watch the show. We all know Bret won't end up with any of these girls so he should just keep the skankiest girls around for entertainment value. The four girls left are so boring.
11 of 28 | Posted by Baxter | Posted on March 25, 2009 6:19 AM
Hmmm...I probably shouldn't even go here, because I know everyone is going to tell me to lighten up (based on this being a stupid reality television show) but this episode just didn't sit right for me. Listening to all the disgusting, degrading, disrespectful shit these guys were saying stopped being funny about mid-way through. Especially when Ashley and Mute heard it and were sort of proud. Just no. Maybe if Bret just went around talking about how they're good for nothing but fucking, they would've liked him more? Ahh!! I know this isn't the show to get all serious about, but I feel like if some ex talked about Flasher like that she would bash him in the face with the nearest blunt object - that's the kinda chick that I like :)
Whatever.
Anyway, I couldn't wait to hear your thoughts on Ashley's departure, it was so strange! Did she and Farrah know each other before this show or something? Or did she just go on the show to make James jealous? Oh, and wasn't James also the name of Daisy's ex, that she also lived with? So, odd! And frankly, I'm surprised that Bret didn't just end the season there, cause he soooo is not into the rest of the girls.
Thanks for the great recap!!
12 of 28 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on March 25, 2009 8:06 AM
Daisy's ex was Charles. (hangs head in shame for being such a reality tv junkie)
13 of 28 | Posted by natural redhead | Posted on March 25, 2009 9:48 AM
Oh carmelicious, you're making me nostalgic for the vagina-shot twins from the beginning of the season.
But yeah, it's pretty striking how abusive this show has become.
Although I'm sure it's a reflection of the reality of what goes on during tours of this sort of music.
Wadaya know...one of these reality shows actually sort of shows...reality. Hats (and wigs) off to Bret Michaels!
14 of 28 | Posted by itchy | Posted on March 25, 2009 9:57 AM
I can't believe Daisy is getting her own show. I can't wait to see the gems that compete for her, but after i scope them out i cannot and will not watch that show. seriously? Daisy?!!? What about Heather? Or even Megan or Brandi C. Daisy's just boring to me and and not attractive in the least bit.
15 of 28 | Posted by cansnuts | Posted on March 25, 2009 10:28 AM
I'm disappointed there was no mention of Ashley's classic closing, where she essentially said, "have you seen how hot I am? How do you pass this up?" with her eyes and hands.
That had me rolling!
16 of 28 | Posted by nashuaf | Posted on March 25, 2009 11:05 AM
When Ashley said "lookin' good baby..." I think my jaw dropped to the floor. In what universe would you consider James as looking good? As for the tank top, it looked very similar to the girlie looking tank tops that the guys on "I Love New York" used to wear, can't remember if it was Tango or Buddha, and I think White Boy wore them also...
17 of 28 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on March 25, 2009 11:35 AM
I absolutely will NOT be watching Daisy of Love. I hated absolutely every moment that I had to watch her on ROL2. Every. Single. Moment. Watching her mumble and flail her one arm while guys fawn over her would make me vomit.
Hey, Itchy, both of the vajayjay shot girls (Gia and Nikki) have booked the next Charm School. lol
Oh and I think both Farrah and Ashley are booked in for the next I Love Money.
18 of 28 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on March 25, 2009 4:17 PM
I, too, loved me some Juliette Lewis...until JAMES. Geez, WTF? Never in a million (scratch that) Never in three years would I picture her with a dude like that. And I bet she considers his vulgar 2nd grade vocab "romatic"...swoon!
Bret should just shut down production right here. Send the PAs and roadies home to their families and lets stop wasting everyone's time. These pieces of day-old bologna won't make good wig brushers let alone girlfriends. In the words of my fav Laguna Beachers of yore this show is soooo "Dunzo"!
19 of 28 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on March 25, 2009 5:41 PM
I definitely heard rumors that Megan has her own dating show in the works.
I'll def be watching...
20 of 28 | Posted by tlicious420 | Posted on March 25, 2009 6:48 PM
It IS disillusioning to see how little Juliette Lewis/Ashley thinks of herself--between the gross thug of a guy that she "respects" and the way she lets him talk about her (and, I assume, treat her). I guess a lot of strippers get into relationships like that. Maybe she'll leave James for Farrah. Get that third blonde girl back, and they could have their own show, Blondetourage, the new "Golden Girls." I don't think Farrah would tolerate that kind of treatment from a man.
It's too bad that one older ho, the former model, was hospitalized and left the show. She was beautiful, seemed a bit classier, and was probably more Bret's speed.
21 of 28 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on March 25, 2009 7:18 PM
megan definately is having her own show. it's called trophy wife. a dating show. brandi c will be featured on it as well.
22 of 28 | Posted by kmvbs8 | Posted on March 25, 2009 7:36 PM
"Meanwhile, Soccer Mom does the twist."
In that flapper frock, it's more like the Charleston, but whatevs.
Fantastic recap, as per.
I was sorry to see Juliette Lewis go, and that whole incredulous - I am so hot - how could you pass THIS up - WTF?!?!?" was priceless.
But yeah, what a lowlife thug she hooked up with. Like pixielated mentioned upthread - I guess it's a stripper thing...
As for Megan's Trophy Wife show, it might be okay. She was always good value, tho I didn't bother with Charm Skool - should I have?
23 of 28 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on March 25, 2009 7:46 PM
All I can say is Big John deserves his own show after putting up with all of Bret's skanks! Roadie of Love!
24 of 28 | Posted by flowie623 | Posted on March 26, 2009 6:26 AM
It is pretty obvious that Bret like girls with natural breasts, that is who he picked both times and will probably pick again with Mindy. Why do they keep putting these overblown disgustingly plastic girls on the show? Who would want to touch one of those monstrous "breasts" Ick!
25 of 28 | Posted by kloewent | Posted on March 26, 2009 11:47 AM
Silicone was definitely the worst thing to ever happen to the porn industry.
Funny how Butch Bev admits to having fake tits, but they still manage sag down to her navel.
26 of 28 | Posted by itchy | Posted on March 27, 2009 12:53 AM
Gravity works, Itchy, gravity works. And it doesn't matter if it is fake or real, eventually the apple will fall on Newton's head. :p
27 of 28 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on March 27, 2009 5:13 AM
Who would want to touch one of those monstrous breasts, kloewent?
Why, James...and Jiz, I mean Jaz...and probably Farrah. Bret, too, as I remember (at least Juliette Lewis's).
And as for Juliette's "have you seen this?"--girl, he saw it, he had it, and he got the t-shirt. Next!
28 of 28 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on March 27, 2009 9:16 PM