Welcome back onboard the Rock of Love Bus! Let me Clorox the bus for you sweeties, and then we're back on the road!
Fix those shorts. Wouldn't wanna look like a slut or anything.
So, last time I thought I had taken the prize for the latest recap ever, but what do you know? I'm back and later than ever before. What can I say, I'm always proud to beat a personal best.
It's the morning and big surprise, Penthouse Taya is a morning person. It's early, and she's chattering on a mile a minute. It's her Mom's birthday, don't let her forget to call. They should have a moment of silence for Pierced Mute Brittanya and some shaving cream incident. Something about resolving a situation with a hamper? Deluded Ho Janey confirms that Penty does talk incessantly. About nothing. A suitcase. Curlers. Her favorite movie. A bat in a belfry? And this is all in one morning! I'm with the other hos on this one. I'm pretty chatty myself, but never before noon.
They get outside to the pink bus, where Boring Butch Beverly plucks out today's love note...and we're going to Orlando! Ahhh, Orlando. Where every fat ass in America comes to wear shorts. Gopher Mindy looks horrified, but Penty does a happy dance. They land at the Universal Orlando Resort and they're all pretty excited. For some reason, there's a red carpet and a step and repeat set up for the hos outside the Hard Rock Hotel. They're ushered inside with Orlando's version of trendy people, which basically means they just have unfortunate hair.
Whatever you do, don't get your hair done in Orlando.
Up in the suite, the hos have been gifted with various Orlando themed clothes. Free advertising for when they go home - come to Orlando! We don't have nearly enough people clogging up our city. And then Boring Butch discovers all the various Hard Rock themed items littering the room. She starts packing up the loot. Sure, if there's Kiehls in the bathroom, I mean, that's useful, but poker chips from the Hard Rock? I don't think they're meant to go home with you. Especially when the plan is to gift them to your nine year old son, as Boring Butch plans on doing. Hi honey, Mommy's back from chasing old rocker ass around the country in a diseased bus and she's brought you some poker chips!
When you're sick of playing you can take this to school as your lunchbox. It fits a flask and a pbj sandwich perfectly.
But we've got a bigger problem here, and that's Gopher. She's been acting strange ever since the Orlando note. Penty and Deluded Ho, who just gets less and less cute with each passing shot, wonder if Gopher's breaking down. She really does look like she's on the verge. And all of the sudden she's sobbing. Deluded Ho tells us Gopher's in her own soap opera. Deluded's in her own slumber party with Boring Butch in her lap, braiding her hair which for some reason totally creeps me out. Gopher's realizing that someone's heart is going to get broken. Penty feels bad for little Gopher, who's never been in a serious relationship, but cheerfully informs us that once she gets over some of those issues, "she'll be an amazing and well rounded person."
Gopher's really feeling sorry for herself. And I know Bret loves her bod, but she's got pretty big shoulders. She's been waiting her whole life for someone to realize that she's a good person, but she's still single! She's never even been engaged! Ummm, hello issues that have nothing to do with the Rock of Love Bus? Then she ends with a battle cry about how she always loses at the game of love, but this time she's gonna win. Sure, cause the player that cries to the competition usually takes it.
Nothing like dragging your ass around on a stank bus with a bunch of ho's to make you feel like you're on the path to true love.
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Comments (11)
Just stop filming already. These hos are boring. As a matter of fact I'm drifting to slumber land and faintly seeing images of a nekkid Chris Evans dancing in heavy fog as I type.
As I've said B-4, Brett needs to call it a wrap and send these CDC poster children home. Penty needs to go open a daycare with children who fingerpaint and tell her how beautiful she is. Maybe the dads can take over at night and reassure her about her roast beef vulva.
Mindy needs a Special Epi showing her reuniting with her birth mom: Rodeo.
And Deluded Ho...eh.
Bret, just release the friggin sex tape. I'll still pay at this point.
1 of 11 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on April 4, 2009 9:51 PM
Is it too late to bring in a fresh snatch of skanks?
They've already done it once this season, no one will blink if they do it again. Since we're all asleep anyway.
They're probably regretting eliminating the vagina shot girls so early on.
Here's a thought: they should develop future "of Love" shows following the Paradise Hotel/Forever Eden format, where they bring in new people as the others get eliminated.
Not that that worked out all too well for the last Paradise Hotel. (I really liked Forever Eden though).
But it might help perk up Bret a bit. He's looking so damn tired.
2 of 11 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 4, 2009 11:44 PM
I remember when the last season of ROL ended, Bret said in an interview that he had no desire to do another season. Instead, he said that he would be open to doing an "on-the-road" type of tv show that chronicles his concerts and touring. Well, this 3rd season of ROL is clearly a mash-up of the two concepts, so clearly VH1 pressured him to do another ROL because of the huge ratings. It's obvious that he's really just going about his tour and the "dating competition" part is just for the cameras, to keep us entertained. He really has not taken the time to get to know any of these hos, so there's no tension, no rivalry that can be attributed to a connection with Bret. It's just the hos competing against one another for the sake of winning on TV. As Farah would say, it's just lame!
3 of 11 | Posted by Boris8 | Posted on April 5, 2009 1:52 AM
Bus, hos, Brett, stank. OK now onto the important stuff, Big John. I know, Chickbomb, he is looking like his old self. Must be the road & state fair food he's forced to eat, plus I don't think the backwards ball cap does him any favors. Maybe Brett put the kibosh on his hotness. Wouldn't suprise me if BJ got more action this season than Brett.
4 of 11 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on April 5, 2009 8:14 AM
I hate when people say they are jokesters becaues it means they are completely not jokesters at all. And that is the weirdest "prank" ever.
5 of 11 | Posted by kelsey | Posted on April 5, 2009 7:58 PM
Bret has managed to eliminate the girls that he had any physical attraction to, except possibly Taya. Not that he didn't have good reason: one was in love with an ugly thug, one was in love with one of the other girls, etc. I just wish that Jamie hadn't self-destructed on that speed bump; once the other blondes left, she probably would have been ok.
Maybe Bret's just getting a little old for this. Why would a rock star need a steady girlfriend on the road, anyway? Isn't that what groupies are for?
6 of 11 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on April 5, 2009 9:22 PM
Sorry, I meant Kelsey, not Jamie. Can't keep my skanks straight.
7 of 11 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on April 5, 2009 11:32 PM
I MISS Farrah and Ashley!!!! I'm sad to even see Rock of Love go on without them. They made the show...these girls are such a yawn.
8 of 11 | Posted by Baxter | Posted on April 6, 2009 7:28 AM
Is Bret even bothering to try anymore w/ these girls? He doesn't look all that interested. The only one of these girls he had any physical connection with is Gopher and she is getting more and more repulsive as time goes by. She's like a ticking time bomb. I rather like Taya, but she hasn't thrown herself at him as much as Bret seems to need. And Deluded Ho is scary looking. Her entire love song for him was about how he never calls her -- needy much, stalker girl?
I miss Farah and Ashley. Sure they were there to party like it was 1987, but they were fun! Now there is too much estrogen. These hos give brunettes a bad name.
9 of 11 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on April 6, 2009 12:06 PM
^^^^ you guys are all so right, he doesnt care anymore at all. Its kind of cool though, because he seems to be in it purely for the amusement, with his 'bless em' look on his face...
Ive noticed a pattern though, they seem to have a final six which contains 4 decent girls, a dud and a psycho. They get rid of the 3rd and 4th best, then leave two potential girls (a "smoking hot" ho and a housewife), the dud and the psycho. He then sleeps with the ho to get it out of the way, feels icky, and chooses the housewife. Not that taya is your typical housewife, but she has traits.
Another thing, do you guys think Juliette Lewis was just there to scope the house for her boyfriend?
JL "baby tonight I'll leave the door open, you just find a sack big enough for a hundred sparkly cowboy hats. Then we'll run away to Mexico and start our new life"
J "Cowboy hats? can't you find some sparkly wrestling masks or something?"
JL "I want a cheeseburger"
Also I think Big John must be a eunuch. No way the ego would let another functioning male around his harem...
10 of 11 | Posted by sammy64 | Posted on April 6, 2009 12:18 PM
"Now watch in amazement as I flambe these Fruity Pebbles."
I just couldn't stop giggling at that gem of a screencap.
Nice work, CB! You never fail us die-hard fans of this soporific show. zzzzz
@jennaboa: "...These hos give brunettes a bad name."
Yes, they do. Bitches!
@sammy64:
You posit some excellent theories.
Also "Another thing, do you guys think Juliette Lewis was just there to scope the house for her boyfriend?"
OH -- you mean for a future home invasion?! Yikes! Luckily it's just a set.
On a pseudo-serious note -- can anyone even tell what it is that Bret wants?
Like, if you were on the bus and could tune out the stench, the drama, the cooties, the salsa in yr bags etc and actually try to PLAY TO WIN, what would you say or do? (short of deep throating him at every opportunity??)
11 of 11 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on April 9, 2009 4:24 PM