Another morning in Orlando on the Rock of Love Bus! Do I miss Boring Butch Beverly? I can't decide. Then I have to listen to Deluded Ho Janie's daily deluded rant about how it's really for real and she's "getting ready to fall for Bret" and remember that even Boring Butch had a better shot than this ho and I want her back. But in the meantime, we're going to Miami!
Sexiest. City. EVAH!
Whiney Gopher Mindy looks cute in tiny shorts and a tiny shirt and pigtails. Gopher's got the sickest abs, and also she tells us she's starting to "see herself as Bret's girlfriend". So moping around the bus all day wasn't working out, now we're moving on to visualization. Deluded Ho is once again attired in the gold headscarf. What look is she going for here, exactly? Stupid, unfashionable and on meth? If so, totally working.
Hey, weren't you in Big?
The hos pull into Miami and land at the Sagamore which is the first quality hotel we've seen on the Rock of Love franchise. I love how in the beginning when there were heaps of hos they were relegated to the Motel 6, but now that they only have to buy one room they get the nice hotel. And it's a fond farewell to the diseased pink bus - Penthouse Taya hated that bus. "It never smelled right," she tells us. Well, imagine that. Think of the hos who originally inhabited that bus and just imagine th - actually, don't. Really, don't.
The hos head up to their rooms, which Deluded Ho christens "swanky". When I rule the world, anyone under sixty who calls places "swanky" and not in an ironic way should not be allowed at said places. We could have dumped Deluded right then and there and had a whole episode of In Treatment with Penty and Gopher. Anyway, the suite at the Sagamore is very nice. And then we catch up with Bret, who tells us that it's been a while since he's seen his hos and he's "jonesing to see them". He's also got something "hot and amazing" for them...oh baby, I love it when you talk dirty.
But what's hot and amazing is actually what Bret calls Carnival outfits, and what the hos call Mardi Gras outfits. Either way, they're kind of awful, but hey, if that's what Bret wants. "It's fun, beady, cheesy, gaudy, I love it!" exclaims Deluded Ho. Is she talking about Bret or the costumes? Oh well, either way. Naturally, whiney Gopher hates it. Everyone pause to be shocked. "It doesn't look like me or anything I'd put on," she says sourly. Well, it looks like Bret, so does that mean you're not planning on getting him on you either? Penty rolls her eyes as Gopher storms out of the room in yet another hissy fit, and says that Gopher "is the most fit one of all of us", so what the heck's her problem?
That bed looks hot. He should just pick the bed.
There's lots of black boxes on the screen as the hos adjust their tacky, Bret-sanctioned ensembles, and Penty helps Deluded Ho fasten her costume on. "Of course Taya knows where all the buckles and the snaps are and that's kind of odd cause it looks like a stripper outfit," Gopher says suspiciously. First of all, it just looks like some tacky costume, not a stripper outfit. You want a stripper outfit, you should have paid better attention to Flasher Heather. She was just there for crying out loud. And second of all, are all "stripper" outfits constructed exactly alike with buckles and snaps in the exact same locations? Or is it possible that perhaps Penthouse just knows how to dress herself? Or wait, wait, I know! Penty divined that there were going to be complicated slutty outfits to change into once they got to Miami and figured out the snaps in advance! I warn you right now, I have very little nice to say about Gopher today. Of course that means I should say nothing at all...or does it mean I should totally skewer her? Whatevs, I'm going with option two.
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Comments (20)
I've been reading late recaps all season and if you really love me you'll make it up to me with the last one!
I really do love your recaps, they're the best part of watching this trainwreck of a show. Can't wait to see your take on the finale.
1 of 20 | Posted by weejie | Posted on April 14, 2009 4:14 PM
"I don't know what the hell's going on with those braids, but wind could mean disaster."
LOLOLOL
I'm ready to sign up for "Steel Drums of Love." Except I think those are conga drums--steel drums are the ones that look like, well, steel drums (barrels). Anyhoo, I love the drum guy.
2 of 20 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on April 14, 2009 4:25 PM
"'Is the vinaigrette already on the salad, or am I crazy?' he goes on."
"Bret communicates like a girl. It's nice."
Aw, now I'm totally in love with Bret. I can even forgive "kissage."
Hey, I'm starting to like Taya, too. She strikes me as the cooch-baring Mary Tyler Moore. Don't hate her because she's perfect. I guess that makes Mindy the Rhoda. Except mean, crazy and without wit(s).
I say, so what if Taya's 39 instead of 29. That makes her the right age for Bret. Homie is too tired for these moody young things.
3 of 20 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on April 14, 2009 4:49 PM
Love the recaps... But if you loved me you would have the final one out lickity split! =)
I know you like Penty - but I just never was able to fall for her. Gopher for some reason I liked more. But hell, we all know there is going to be a Rock of Love 4.
At LEAST he didn't end up choosing Ashley - I think I would have thrown my tv out the window if he had!
4 of 20 | Posted by sara_shark | Posted on April 14, 2009 4:51 PM
I just have the feeling the only reason he like Penty is because he's in love with the Idea of the "Rock Star dating Penthouse Pet of the Year" headlines.
I mean, there seems to be zero romantic energy going on between those two. She won't even sleep with him (don't blame her for that though).
But yeah, she seems smart enough, has her own career going, is old enough and has a kid. So you never know -- we'll all be indebted to her if there's no Rock of Love 4.
Except...surely they can dig up another fading rocker from the 80s to continue the series?
5 of 20 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 15, 2009 1:47 AM
I've been reading late recaps all season and if you really love me you'll make it up to me with the last one!
LOL Doll! luv your recaps and don't care if I have to wait 2 wks to read them. Can't wait to read your finale recap and next seasons "Rock of Love Above Ground Pool Edition" (thx cl)! Kisses!
6 of 20 | Posted by djlovekraft | Posted on April 15, 2009 2:44 AM
OK, so all season I have been thinking that Mindy looked so familiar and where did I know her from. Now, someone might have mentioned this earlier and I just missed it, but yesterday I read that she has an identical twin sister named Cindy who was on Survivor a couple of seasons ago. Reality TV lifestyles!!!
7 of 20 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on April 15, 2009 5:26 AM
"Hey, weren't you in Big?" LMAO.........
I have never seen this show--only read the recaps. Which are priceless!! Watching the actual show would ruin it for me, so thank you, ChickBomb, for watching this crapola.
8 of 20 | Posted by bluzgirl | Posted on April 15, 2009 8:19 AM
Chickbomb, I *hart* you. Will you marry me?
9 of 20 | Posted by Dutchess | Posted on April 15, 2009 10:10 AM
ChickBomb, I totally haven't watched but one episode of this show, but I check tvgasm all the time to catch your recaps of it... I agree with bluzgirl, the actual show might ruin it all for me!
I'll wait for your recaps cause I know you love us!
10 of 20 | Posted by friendorfoe | Posted on April 15, 2009 11:10 AM
That bed looks hot. He should just pick the bed. - LOL!
During the boring-ass dinner scene, if I could read Bret's mind it would've gone something like, "goddamn VH1 better triple my next paycheck!"
Excellent recap! Mindy sucks!
11 of 20 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on April 15, 2009 11:45 AM
woohoo! ur recaps make my procrastinating at work so much better...
hey i was thinking for season 4:
'Rock of love Boat'
They could be on a cruise ship and Bret could play some 'kick ass concerts' at various island destinations, then when the chicks get voted out or fired or whatever they just get thrown overboard. Or made to walk the plank?
I think the sea air would do some of these hos the world of good
12 of 20 | Posted by sammy64 | Posted on April 15, 2009 12:45 PM
It may just be the xanax talking but Rock of Love Boat is the absolute best idea ever (even better than my Rock of Challenge where Bret f's former Real Worlders and competes in events, as long as they wouldn't disturb hif fine European weave.
13 of 20 | Posted by vegasdarling | Posted on April 15, 2009 9:50 PM
Ok, so I stopped watching the episodes and have just been reading the recaps and have to agree that out of those that are left Penty is the right choice.
BUT: considering her appearance on the Howard Stern show a few months ago, she proved she is more than just a 'feature dancer'. She performed her signature move. Which consists of her head being in the guy's crotch and her doing a reverse back bend so hers is in his face. Now I don't judge. If you wanna strip then strip. But don't act like your shit don't stink when that is your "signature move" lol.
14 of 20 | Posted by pixi-stix | Posted on April 16, 2009 9:57 AM
Oh CB,
I could never write bad things about you - especially since you take a bullet for us by watching this trash every week.
I, too, have stopped watching because your recaps are far more entertaining.
I wish Ashly was still in the game - she many not be right for Brett, but girlfriend was FUNNY.
She'd be a better candidate for a spin off than Muppet Daisy
Are you listening Vh1?
15 of 20 | Posted by 2 Old 4 This | Posted on April 16, 2009 11:08 AM
I loved Ashley, too, 2Old4This, until I saw (and heard) her boyfriend James whom she respects so much and who respects her so little. Then she just seemed a little bit sad to me.
Farrah is my girl. She and Ashley should get a house with a couple other girls and be the NEW Golden Girls! (Farrah would be Dorothy, Ashley would be Blanche, they could get a dimwit to be Rose, and somebody's mom to be Sophia.)
I love the Rock of Love Boat. If we could only work Gopher, Isaac and Capt. Stubing into it somehow.
16 of 20 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on April 16, 2009 6:31 PM
And our Golden Girls could run a day care center!
17 of 20 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on April 16, 2009 6:33 PM
I'd go to their daycaare centre! Im sure it would have plenty of cheeseburgers and cocktails...
18 of 20 | Posted by sammy64 | Posted on April 16, 2009 8:31 PM
And no basil!
19 of 20 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on April 16, 2009 9:29 PM
Ooh! Ooh! I can just see Big John doing that finger-pointing thing that Isaac used to do during the credits.
I was a HUGE Love Boat fan...at one point it was on four times a day...I was completely in love with Julie (after she changed her hairdo and filled out a bit).
Bret's Riverboat of Love?
20 of 20 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 16, 2009 11:19 PM