Welcome to the last stop on the Rock of Love Bus! I miss my hos already, but I'm not gonna get in a funk over it. I'm gonna wear smokey eyes and stripper shoes and report the shocking, shocking, news that Bret Michaels chose a Penthouse Pet over an insecure farmgirl! Drunk, naked and ready? You're so not getting on this bus unless you are.
You guys are fascinating, really. I just have to finish up this text...
The final date is a trip to the Dominican Republic for both hos! They head out on a private jet, and Gopher tells us "no more busses, it's just private jet from here on out." Private jets to the shows, private jets to the supermarkets, life with Bret Michaels is one big diamonte encrusted fairy tale. Gopher is the new deluded. They get on the jet and Bret floats the idea of can't they all just love each other? Anyone else and I'd think they were just being peaceful, but it's Bret, so you know it's a serious request for a threesome.
They get to the Dominican Republic, and the bastion of super exclusivity that Bret promised turns out to be Punta Cana. Penthouse Taya tells us that it's "every girl's dream...only without the other girl". They're given blue cocktails garnished with an orange slice and a cherry. I like fruity cocktails. They get up to the room, and it's a beautiful resort overlooking the ocean. There's also a note from Bret, that they giggle over and read at the same time and it makes me feel a little bad cause they used to be friends.
What does it say?
I don't know. I see some a's.
Those are the triangles, right?
Yes, ignorant.
Aaaaaa....
Stop. Someone will come and read it to us.
So, the plan is that Gopher gets the date that night, and Penty goes the next day. Gopher thought she'd be having a nice, relaxing day at the resort but now she's got to go on this date. I hope it doesn't put her in a funk. She goes looking in the closet for a bathrobe, and ends up finding a new dress! What's this, wonders sophisticated Gopher? Penty once again explains - Bret's bought you a new dress for your date. Of course, Gopher goes crazy. No one's ever done anything like that before, it makes her feel so special, it's a total pretty woman moment.
Penty's "pissed off and jealous". Great, the moodier the better! Bret loves that. Gopher's talking about how Bret gets her "weak in the the knees", and how she gets so flustered around him. And she's writing down everything she wants to say to him, so she doesn't forget. What kind of relationship is this when she's got to bring notes every time she talks to him? She gets her little dress on, and it's a cute pink thing with bows. Innocent and slutty at the same time. Well chosen, Bret. Wait, I liked it. I mean, well chosen, per diem show stylist.
Bret tells us he's taking Gopher on a "super hot and romantic date". He wants to relax, but he also wants to do recon. He has to go black ops to get some personality out of her. It's all so hopeful. Gopher reminds us once again how swept off her feet she is, and how excited she is to see what he's got planned for her. She's sure it's just out of a story book. Probably a hop on their personal private jet to an even more exotic locale! Perhaps Haiti? Ah, the good life.
Big John has made us pbj sandwiches in this public park. Yum, right?
But it's just a boring old dinner. Sigh. The first thing Gopher does is ask Bret what his concerns are about her. Well, he doesn't think she verbalizes her feelings enough, and he knows it's going to take her time to do that. It's the finale! It's an eighteen episode deal! How much more time does she get? And Gopher starts her brilliant attempt at communication. It goes a little something like this. "It was...was...I ummm...." Wow, I can totally see how connected they are. No wonder Gopher thinks she's the one.
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Comments (7)
I really felt bad for Mindy. And I think Taya looked like an old lady with Mary Kay makeup on at the final ceremony.
1 of 7 | Posted by perfxcked | Posted on April 27, 2009 12:49 PM
Awww ChickBomb you are the best. I will miss your recaps. Rock Of Love Bus this season was a total snoozzzzzzzzze...with extra Z's! Once Farrah and A-Bomb were cut it was a total bore. Can't wait for the reunion recap, even though that was pretty boring too. Have a great summer!
2 of 7 | Posted by Yanksfan24 | Posted on April 27, 2009 1:41 PM
Yeah, hard to get enthusiastic about this season, even though Uncle Bret kind of warms on you after a while. Can't wait 'til ROL 18 !
In the meantime, Daisy of Love looks like it's going to be excellent. Great cast of losers. And of course Daisy Duck is a freakshow all on her own.
Speaking of the reunion...Juliette Lewis only cemented my opinion of her, i.e., that she's just an idiot. Shame, she could have been a contender.
3 of 7 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 27, 2009 2:21 PM
Excellent recap. one of the few eps I had seen (probably couldn't sleep due to paranoid delusions).
I was sure Penty would win once she didn't stay with Brett (smart move). I don't think he is long term relationship material, no matter who he picks... and I could say the same for any woman who chooses to compete for his "love".
4 of 7 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on April 27, 2009 4:37 PM
Awesome recap Chickbomb!
Don't get too sad about the end of Bret on ROL. He was on my local talk radio today, and he said who knows what will happen in the future. I think he has said that hafter every season. He does claim to still be having fun with Taya though. On a gross level, he also admitted to sleeping with 30% of the hos, and "being with" about 70% of the rest (by being with, I assume everything but, but who knows this is Bret). So hope is not all lost.
I dont know how anyone can feel bad for Mindy. I agree with you wholeheartedly CB, she is just awful. I would have rather anyone else made into the top 2, just so we wouldn't have had to listen to her voice all this time. I was rooting for Taya from the start./ They really are perfect for each other, in a really sick kind of way.
5 of 7 | Posted by purplex15 | Posted on April 27, 2009 7:11 PM
I can't believe that nobody noticed this.
During the final episode when he was chosing which gal, the wind was blowing terribly and both Gopher and Penty's hair was moving as if in a wind tunnel.
The same could not be said for Brett's hair.Not a hair moved.
I am not even sure if that episode was filmed at the same time.The editing looked like a cheesy youtube video.
Rob
6 of 7 | Posted by Robinez | Posted on April 27, 2009 7:47 PM
so CB, you are far and away my favorite recapper. excellent job on the ROL bus recaps. i really don't think either one of those completely "lame" girls should have won. to be honest, none of the girls were for him really, although having farrah and ashley along for the ride was fantastic. i think he would've been better off with deluded ho, but that's just me. i really hope that you get another awesome show to do as you're amazingly funny and right on in all your comments about the ho's and big john and the need for roadie of love. my sister would absolutely love that as she wants to be a contestant. i say lets make it happen! but again, congrats on a great season and for making me laugh at loud at all your comments. kisses doll, hope to see your recapping skills again very soon!
7 of 7 | Posted by jennylovesflowie623 | Posted on April 28, 2009 1:38 AM