Hey dolls, welcome aboard! The first thing I have to say today is that the Rock of Love Bus theme song is really growing on me. "Please, let me in-tro-duce myself, get my back stage pass, ride my li-mou-sine..." Well, that's the only line I know but I've been kind of humming it all day. Besides, Talk Dirty to Me is getting lonely in my iPod. I have officially gone to a weird place with this whole Bret Michaels thing, but you know what, I don't care. If reality television is a boring button down and jeans combo, then the Rock of Love Bus is the sparkly, silver cowboy hat on its head.
Who will be Big John's leftovers tonight?
The first ho we see today is, ugh, Penthouse Taya. Oh, and thanks to our tres fab commenters, I checked out the online pics and hey thanks, I totally wanted to puke up my breakfast this morning! My own fault, I suppose, but there's really no good time of the day to look at jiggly lady parts. You know Taya, you can get surgery for that. Anyway, she's anxious for the next challenge, and "gunning for Bret". Over in the Alien Invasion Room, Brittaney Porn awakens to learn that Juliette Lewis Ashly wants her gone. Or as she puts it, "Aliens need to abduct her cause we don't want her." Sometimes I think I can skip writing the recap and just transcribe whatever Juliette Lewis says. The ho's kind of brilliant.
I'm not needed here.
And I'm really starting to love Juliette Lewis when she prances out of the theme hotel in a blue shirt and matching blue knee socks. I love blue. If hell ever froze over and I ever wore a tank top / knee sock / denim short combo, this would be the way I'd go. Actually, now that I think about it, I might wear it as an around the house ensemble, like the glorious stripper gown I purchased, inspired by Flasher Heather. I already warned you, Rock of Love has taken me to a very strange place. I offer no apologies for it.
I will wear this one day. But with better shoes.
Today's location is Champaign, Illinois. Adorable Kelsey doesn't know where it is, but hey, champagne just happens to be her favorite drink! Honey, the $7.99 sparkling wine from 7-Eleven doesn't count. But you're cute, so I'll let you play fabulous if you like. Boring Butch Beverly has completely abandoned the semi-cute prom look from last week's eliminations, and is really playing up the butch thing in some army fatigue pants and a white wifebeater tank. She looks like a bounty hunter. Hell would never be frozen enough for me to wear this. Even in the privacy of my home.
The hos get off the bus and walk into...an ice skating rink! Princess Melissa tells us the moment they walked in, she knew the challenge would be ice-skating. Wow, wonder what tipped her off? Princess Melissa is an intuitive genius. She should be in a think tank.
With a sealed cover and no air holes.
And indeed the challenge is ice-skating! Bret's excited for the girls to be on the cold ice wearing next to nothing. He reminds the hos that he's a huge sports fanatic with two beautiful daughters. He's looking for a ho with maternal instincts, in case the ho already cast as his baby mama ever grows a brain as big as Princess Melissa's and leaves his ass. And we welcome back Baby Bret!
One day you'll grow up and be able to afford a better wig, widdle baby!
Poor Baby Bret is still suffering a concussion from last season's Stroller Derby. Poor Baby Bret is also suffering from some unfortunate doll hair that looks even cheaper than Daddy's. The object of the hockey game is to get Baby Bret safely home to his crib. The catch is, the hos will be thwarted (I know, that word has no place in this recap) by the University of Illinois "kickass women's hockey club!" Lesbians on ice. Boring Butch can barely contain her excitement. And then he tells the hos that they really don't stand a chance anyway, as the honorary captain of Boring Butch's future clique is none other than Psycho Herpes Rocker Lacey! I can't stand this ho. I wonder why she keeps getting to come back.
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Comments (15)
I've been dying to comment on Taya's dress! It was NOT like one of Stipper Heather's dresses...it was totally a beauty pageant dress! "...and I would wish for world peace."
Loved A-Bomb's commentary thoughout. I, too, believe crazy peeps are out to stab me.
Princess Melissa is going to make some lucky guy real miserable some day. Total bipolar. Wait. Not bipolar. Psychotic is more like it. This bitch has some sort of voices in her head telling her "things".
ChickBomb, u ROCK! BTW, I think A-Bomb's blue knee socks are actually leg-warmers (yes, they're somewhat making a comeback). Check out her feet in the heels.
Kisses, babe.
1 of 15 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on January 22, 2009 6:29 AM
I don't know about you...but I think Token is a dude.
2 of 15 | Posted by jodwoman | Posted on January 22, 2009 8:26 AM
Lacey looks like she's pushing 50...ick.
A-bomb is my new favorite, easy to see her with Bret (although that's not necessary a compliment to her). There was a shot of her without makeup (I think) she was actually pretty. All she needs is a couple of outrageous moments and you know she'll be the next addition to the permanent VH1 stable o' skanks.
Farrah's tits look like they're about to lift off any time now --hell, they're already hitting her chin.
Still wondering about Bev...although I've always liked that white guinea tee look. Without the bra though. Yum.
3 of 15 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 22, 2009 8:50 AM
Oh yeah-- jodwoman:
I was going to say the same thing, Token is definitely post-op.
4 of 15 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 22, 2009 8:54 AM
HBO ran a documentary a few months back about a beauty pageant in a women's prison in South America. It was all I could think about at the end when I saw Taya in her frock.
Also, I died laughing when Marcia found Porn's empty ketchup packets and shouted "She sucked them!" You can take the girl out of porn, but you can't take the porn out of the girl...you know she totally sold those dirty socks to perverts online.
5 of 15 | Posted by blanketessa | Posted on January 22, 2009 9:31 AM
I'm not sure if this is true or not, but I think I heard somewhere that Maria is a retired model...?
Also, I'm with you that Token is a dude.
6 of 15 | Posted by rubinia | Posted on January 22, 2009 9:59 AM
Yesss! I'm glad my discovery of Taya's nasty 'gine made it into this week's recap.
Token is TOTALLY a dude.
and my favorites are definitely Ashley (#1), Marcia, & Farrah. I think Farrah's going to win, but Ashley & Marcia are hilllllarious!
I kind of like Kelsey, who would be totally gorgeous if it weren't for her CROOKED MOUTH! i hate it... every time she laughs, the bottom goes to the right side of her face..!
I wish someone would give me a rocker makeover so I could get on that bus just to get drunkenly obliterated and make a scene.
7 of 15 | Posted by Lady_Ace | Posted on January 22, 2009 11:29 AM
Blanketessa, that was totally my thought also -"Does she want to sell those nasty socks on EBay??" Beyond disgusting.
8 of 15 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on January 22, 2009 1:20 PM
^ huh. I honestly thought she was gathering up those used sox (that would have been needlessly thrown away) to give them to the homeless or something.
There are still way too many skanks on this show -- I can't tell one set of weather balloon boobs from the next.
9 of 15 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on January 22, 2009 1:38 PM
Yup-token is sportin a peen. Not so sure she is post-op Itchy.
I have the same favorites as everyone else, so here's what I propose for Bret: Keep 3 hos, a la Hef, Farrah, Juliette Lewis & Marcia. Have Utah on reserve. She can be rotated in when one of the mains has to take medical leave for herp healing. New show..The Skanks Next Door. They must keep the Bret Michaels mystique alive.
10 of 15 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on January 22, 2009 5:51 PM
I'm with you, Chickbomb. I am starting to LOVE this show AND these girls! (Some of them, anyway.)
I would sooooo rather watch and hang out with some of these gals than the women of The Bachelor. They drink and drink and drink but never have any fun!
I think A-Bomb should have her own show. She's too smart to be a garden variety VH1 skank.
11 of 15 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on January 22, 2009 9:34 PM
Thanks itchy for repeating what I've said from day one of this recap: Token is a man, baby!
I don't know if she's post-op or pre-op but that's an XY for sure.
12 of 15 | Posted by BlahBlah | Posted on January 23, 2009 11:02 AM
Right now this show is second only to Lost for me. I can't wait for the next episode. Does anyone else think that this is the best ROL season so far?
Hey, Chickbomb, if you have a sock and glove fetish, have you ever checked out sockdreams? Add the dot com on the end to see their website. I love love love that place! Hey, it is winter, don'tchaknow! And sometimes a girl needs thigh high socks! :p
13 of 15 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 23, 2009 2:05 PM
I love this site and I love ROL-Bus. Just one thing...I am a lazy whore.
So...now that all these other show recaps and Newsgasms and such are added to the home page I have to do a "search" to find the latest recap of ROL-Bus. It's not on the "more shows" section. Of course, I can bookmark it but...see previous paragraph.
Can someone that can do something to fix this, um, fix it? Also, if I'm doing something wrong or going about this the wrong way can y'all school me on the proper ways of TvGasm. BTW...I know there's a help email or some poop but, again, send your eyes to the first paragraph. Thanx.
14 of 15 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on January 24, 2009 9:00 AM
Okay...I think I figured out an easier way. Again, too lazy to type how.
BTW, just got done voting TvGasm best Entertainment Blog of the year. Kewl! as the kids might say/type/text, whatevs. Was thrilled to see you guys were nominated! Well done.
15 of 15 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on January 24, 2009 10:51 AM