Hello dolls and welcome back aboard the Rock of Love Bus. Packed your crotchless panties? Great, let's go!
That's the prize for winning the entire show. Pick something else.
It's a skankshine morning! Juliette Lewis Ashly is happy that they're down to only ten hos, she feels like they've skimmed off the dead weight. But the elation doesn't last long, as Big John turns up with some important news. The hos wonder if they're in trouble. But no. The trouble is with Granny / Former Model Maria. Apparently, she has a "medical condition" and had to be rushed to the hospital. What kind of medical condition? I'm so curious, but that's all the info we're gonna get.
Even though the tour rolls on, Bret does his good deed for the day, and calls Granny at the hospital. She tells the stupidest story ever, about how they were trying to take her blood in the hospital, and they couldn't! "I told them it was because you had my heart," Granny simpers. Oh, give it up ho. You're stuck in the hospital in Hooterville, USA and the tour's moving on. Oh, but wait, as the tour leaves town, the bus is going to stop off so Bret can visit Granny. The doctors told him not to, but he's coming whether they like it or not. Bret loves to remind us what a rebel he is. Oh, and also he mentions his diabetes. He loves to talk about that too. The insulin challenge is definitely forthcoming.
I've got your heart. And diabetuhs.
And as the Slut Bus pulls out of - wait, what city are they in again? Life on the road is really wearing me down. Anyway, they head out of Hicksville, Nowhere with a note from Bret saying that they'll watch him play...and he'll watch their every move. Oh, and they are to "dress to impress". Penthouse Taya is excited to finally wear her "cute outfit". Thrilling, I'm sure Taya's got a whole suitcase full of sale items from Express. I can already tell I'm going to love this challenge. Oh, and we learn that we're going to Chicago! Finally, a city I've heard of! Do you think we're upgrading from the state fair tonight? We're totally due.
Well, of course Boring Butch Beverly is complaining about how hard it is to "dress to impress" on a bus. Better get used to it, babe. Getting dressed on busses, bathrooms, behind dumpsters...and speaking of the skill of tarting up anywhere, Farrah and Juliette Lewis are talking shit on everyone else. Marcia Brazil has given up on the task of staying sober and is doing a shot of tequila. Kelsey, who can't help but look adorable, is using this time to nap.
I've never seen someone so eager to show off the bruise on their ass before.
Well, Bret loves Chicago and he loves the Horseshoe Casino where he's playing a - you guessed it - "awesome concert" that night. Penthouse tells us the excitement is contagious, and they walk into the venue to find Bret in a Poison shirt! Back to his roots, loves it! I have never denied being a Poison fan. He welcomes the hos to the "beautiful" Horseshoe Casino, cause dinky casinos are known for their great beauty, and once again reminds them of the "awesome" upcoming show.
And then out comes a chubby guy who looks gay. I believe this is what Flippy and JMo (aka ChickGay) would refer to as a "bear". Anyway, this is Joey, and he's the head roadie. Today's challenge will be packing up Bret's gear, which I'm pretty sure from Jackson Browne is called the "load out". See how being friends with gay guys and listening to classic rock helps the recap? Only the hos are gonna do it in cheap lingerie. And then they have to put on ugly work boots. Joey Bear wants them to stay safe.
The light gels are going to get scabs.
Penthouse tells us she's ready cause she grew up around her Dad in bands. In bars, as we recall from the hayride. Gosh, who would have predicted that she'd end up splaying it in Penthouse? They pick Teams with guitar picks. They pick picks. Hee hee. There are four Red picks, four Black picks and one special green pick.
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Comments (16)
I just started reading this recap so I'm sure I'll have more comments later on, but I just had to point this out early on: my boyfriend, who is from the Chicago area and shall remain nameless because he'd probably be furious with me if I outed him on the fact that he watches this show, gleefully exclaimed immediately after the announcement that the Horseshoe Casino isn't even in Chicago.....it's in Indiana. Apparently, it's right across the river, but still....an entirely different state.
1 of 16 | Posted by andreak1013 | Posted on January 29, 2009 12:24 PM
great recap!
does anyone else think the reason he had BJ take away the passes is because he was going to kick off beverly and then changed his mind at eliminations? that he didn't have a pass for her, so he just sent them all away so no one would ever know?
ah, the mystery of bret michaels...
2 of 16 | Posted by xim34 | Posted on January 29, 2009 12:35 PM
good sleuthing, xim34. or would that be good deductive reasoning? i was wondering the same thing about the passes. why would he have big john take them away? if not because who he picked originally wasn't in the stack.
so far i have two stands out for my most favorite moments in reality tv for 2009. one was when vicki fell down on the real housewives. second is the scene with juliette lewis and butch beverly. like a child throwing a tantrum all that she could say
is, "I want a cheeseburger." At some point I thought that she was going to break and actually respond with something, anything than, "I want a cheeseburger." That takes will power.
3 of 16 | Posted by areyoucliff | Posted on January 29, 2009 1:23 PM
My apologies, but Farrah looked like a truck driver in drag in that pink thing she was wearing.
Everyone seemed tired this episode. Life on the road, I suppose. And I'm guessing that being a Type 1 Diabetic would tend to slow you down after a while...
I'm thinking the elimination scene was edited, and that originally he was going to send all three home, until the producers interfered and pointed out that they needed to keep them around for the future eliminations. It doesn't make sense otherwise. I doubt he changed his mind--Bev fucked up big time, and Whiner is too high maintenance.
4 of 16 | Posted by itchy79 | Posted on January 29, 2009 3:47 PM
haven't finished reading yet, but my FAVORITE part of this ep was most definitely Ashley: "Get over it, people puke and poop their pants... i'll puke on your mom"
hahaha. god i hope this girl gets her own spin off from this! she's hilarious.
5 of 16 | Posted by Lady_Ace | Posted on January 29, 2009 4:17 PM
Okay, I had mentioned that Marcia was my fav but not after her awful performance this week. I'm glad she's gone. Bitch, just let me down. How dumb of this girl to sit Bret down - to get his undivided attention- just to let him know how NOT attracted to him she was. DUH!
But, I'm not sad because another ho has replaced her in my heart: A-Bomb! Dude, Ashley is sent from the skank-gods.
6 of 16 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on January 29, 2009 8:00 PM
If she was gonna kiss somebody, why not Big John? I'd have had some respect for that!
Of course, he'd have just run and tattled to Bret.
What happened to Maria? Are they going to update that story?
7 of 16 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on January 29, 2009 8:08 PM
Oh Marcia, rest in reality show peace. Bret is slowly getting rid of all of the crazy cast this season in the first few episodes.
Bret, claims he's a rock n' roller, yet he's so predictable.
8 of 16 | Posted by Tigermilk | Posted on January 29, 2009 11:57 PM
I have to agree with xim34. I had the exact same thought in regards to sending away the passes, that he must've been planning to get rid of someone else but changed his mind. That's the only reason I can think of to send BJ away with them.
9 of 16 | Posted by Anonymous | Posted on January 30, 2009 2:36 AM
"Well, well, well. Look who can't "hang" with his own lifestyle?"
I K N O W! Too old to party like a rock star - bwahahahahaha!
Girl, I was hanging out so bad for this recap -- your priceless snark did NOT disappoint!
10 of 16 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on January 30, 2009 6:58 AM
I'm glad I wasn't the onlyone who caught that the Horseshoe Casino is in Indiana, not Chicago.
11 of 16 | Posted by yeknom | Posted on January 30, 2009 11:54 AM
A-Bomb is HIGHlarious! I can't wait to see her on ROLBus Charm School next season. Her soundbites alone are great. Wonder if she pooped her pants yet?
12 of 16 | Posted by Yanksfan24 | Posted on January 30, 2009 1:26 PM
did anyone but me notice that farrah was holding onto ashley's boobs from behind to support her when she was puking??
13 of 16 | Posted by kaya208 | Posted on January 30, 2009 7:28 PM
I live in Chicago, and I can verify that the Horseshoe casino is indeed in Indiana. However, I was in downtown Chicago one day and ran smack into the bus (as well as some of the girls), so whatever they were doing must have been cut from the show (or be for next week). I mean, I'm not sure what they were doing or anything (I passed some of them on the sidewalk, and also I was drunk), but they WERE in the city.
Specific, eh? TVGASM: Our recappers know stuff...kinda.
14 of 16 | Posted by schoonie | Posted on January 30, 2009 10:03 PM
When he was telling Beverly "I wouldn't invite you to my house and then make out with your friends", all I could think of was, "yuh-huh, you make out with every girl every week!!". Seriously, when you are making out with Doritos-and-Tequila Marcia right in front of everyone, you lose the high road there, Bret.
15 of 16 | Posted by kygirl93 | Posted on February 3, 2009 7:50 AM
does anyone know when Daisy of Love premires? I know I'll end up hating myself for watching it... but I won't be able to stop. Kind of like this trainwreck right here.
16 of 16 | Posted by xim34 | Posted on February 8, 2009 12:12 PM