Welcome back to the only way to traverse every state fair ground east of the Mississippi, the Rock Of Love Bus! This week, we have a challenge, a drunken night out, a spicy bitchfight, a solo date and more! We have a lot to get to. No time for panties. You don't need them where we're going.
And now a story about Sonic the Hedgehog...
Good morning Farrah, you look....different without makeup. Not necessarily horrible, but really different. She can't believe Skipper was eliminated. And then they're done with that topic, cause a lot happens today. The first thing is the hos find their love note from Bret telling them they're headed to Panama City, Florida! The redneck riviera, the note boasts, like this is a selling point. Oh wait, forgot the audience, it totally is. They cheer. Farrah tells us they're ready to wear their bikinis and be hot. And one more thing, they're breaking up with the Boring Blue Bus. All Blue Bus hos are instructed to report to the Pink Bus. "The Pink Bus just got lamer," drawls Juliette Lewis Ashley. Good Lord hos, is there no other word than lame?
Suddenly she's Nikki from Big Love.
And just like that, we zip over to Panama City! The hos get into the hotel and well, well, well. They've been upgraded to a high rise and they have a suite with a kitchen and everything. Penthouse Taya and Gopher Mindy stake out a tiny room with bunk beds, no doubt for the vacationing families' kids. Or hired help. No, kids. No one who could afford household help would ever vacation in Panama City. Anyway, these two are happy to have their little own space with bunk beds. "That's just us. We're silly," Gopher gurgles.
The hos are relaxing in the living room, and all of the sudden some vaguely porn-esque music starts playing and in walks the Roadie of Love, Big John. Now that I know that I'm not the only one out there who thinks this, I am flat out saying he's getting hotter every day. I think the hos think so too. "Hi, honey," one of them coos. Big John is not a bad runner up prize, especially for these used up hos. He's serving up a platter of bikinis. The hos are to take one, and meet Bret at the pool. Juliette Lewis informs us that she and Farrah took the tiniest ones because nothing comes between Juliette Lewis and humungous boobs.
You better stop getting hotter or you'll be out of a job, man.
The hos get down to the pool...but the surprise is that it's the kiddie pool! "What's a-goin' on?" asks Mindy, adopting one of Bret's catchphrases that she should have just left alone. He says they all look smoking hot but they have no idea of the terror he's about to unleash on them. He's surrounded by a bunch of ladies who he introduces as military personnel, or wives of military personnel. He throws in a comment about his whole support the troops thing, and then tells the hos that he's giving the military ladies the day off, and the hos are there to babysit. They stand there in a line in their bikinis and heels looking like contestants in a very demented beauty pageant. And no one's looking too excited about this challenge.
Pierced Mute Brittanya tells us that she doesn't like kids...except her own. She has a kid?!?! I will repeat this sentiment two more times, by the way, so get ready. Who knew Rock of Love was such an haven for single, whorish Moms? Then Pierced Mute tells us that she's never babysat before, and maybe if she had, she never would have gotten pregnant. Wow, Pierced Mute must be such a great Mom.
Then Bret officially announces the start of the Rock of Love Kids Pool Party, starring a bunch of kids who Bret calls "future rock stars", the military kids. The kids come running in, and my immediate favorite is the fat kid jiggling around and waving his arms for the camera. Future rock star...or future fry cook at the Panama City Ponderosa. Bret tells the hos that the kids are the judges of who was the best Mommy, and the winner gets the "most awesome date". I say it along with him, really I do. But I stand behind the G4 to Dallas date. The dinky amusement part didn't cut it, and I doubt anything in the redneck riviera will either.
Big John's replacement.
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Comments (15)
Obviously kids are this year's must-have reality show accessory.
1 of 15 | Posted by itchy | Posted on March 12, 2009 5:27 PM
"I'm not wasting my Chanel polish on some kid who can't even paint in the lines..."
hahaha -- best polish EVER! I still have one & a half bottles of the original Vamp -- circa 1995. I am not kidding. That stuff is still rockin' (obviously I don't wear it all that often) and the polish still in great shape!! Worth every dollar.
2 of 15 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on March 12, 2009 5:47 PM
Why was Pierced Mute wearing Beverly's sparkly blue bra? Are they buds now? Doesn't seem very likely... maybe there's just a huge chest of skank clothes on the bus and they get to mix and match, courtesy of Bret.
3 of 15 | Posted by xim34 | Posted on March 12, 2009 6:38 PM
I look forward to your recaps every week (almost as much as I look forward to watching the actual show.) Which I hope says more for you and your writing then it does for me and my life.
I thought that when Gopher said "lame" she was mocking Farrah which made me suddenly almost tolerate her. That, the way she handled the salsa episode, and when she came out in that banging dress for elimination has almost made me kind of sort of like her. A teeny bit. More then Brittanya anyway. Why is she still there again?!
And finally, le sigh, Big John.
4 of 15 | Posted by DaraDay | Posted on March 12, 2009 6:47 PM
I'm so glad VH1 is finally giving us more Big John face time! Plus we get 2 photos of him on the recap this week. Win-win.
I'm starting to think this whole thing is going to come down to Ashly and Mindy.
5 of 15 | Posted by vanillacupcakes | Posted on March 13, 2009 6:23 AM
Mindy fits the type of the 'winners' of the previous seasons.
But I'd say Ashley would fit in better with Bret. Hopefully now that Farrah is gone she'll be less of an ass.
I used to be on Taya's side, but she's really proven herself to be a wuss. And you just know she's only there to promote Penthouse anyway.
6 of 15 | Posted by itchy | Posted on March 13, 2009 10:17 AM
I thought for sure that Beverly was going home when she was a total bitch to Bret and almost everyone else when she got drunk, but with Bret definitely being jealous of Farrah and her relationship with Ashley, I knew she was done.
And I sort of liked Mindy this episode - save for her still annoying accent - because she handled the salsa episode so well (even though I laughed about it despite it not really being necessary), but I still don't like Taya because she's very much on a soapbox and I hate her stupid Penthouse tanktop that she wearing in every confessional.
7 of 15 | Posted by kelsey | Posted on March 13, 2009 5:28 PM
Also! I was very surprised about all of the new moms we learned about in this episode. I pretty much said "She has a kid?!?!?!?" each time one of them told us about being a mother.
8 of 15 | Posted by kelsey | Posted on March 13, 2009 5:29 PM
I was shocked when Ashley said she had a son. Even more shocking? She actually seems like she'd be a good mom, at least from the pool party. It made me like her even more and I already loved her. I'm hoping that makes her enough of a mix of the "normal" (at least relatively normal, for Rock of Love) one Bret always picks and the "trashy" one you know he belongs with. But if he picks someone else, at least we'll have a Rock of Love 4.
Has anyone else read the exit interview with Farrah on VH1? My favorite line: "Me and Ashley are obviously strippers."
Wait, what? Self-awareness in a VH1 reality show participant?
9 of 15 | Posted by maggiemay1983 | Posted on March 13, 2009 7:39 PM
There's video of the shower fight on VH1's Web site where you hear Farrah's name in the middle of what Taya and Mindy are talking about, but it sounds weird, like it might have been splied in. There's also hilarious footage of Ash, Farrah and Mute debating whether or not the U.S. is underwater.
More gold from Farrah's interview:
On Taya:
"She’s spreading herself for the world and then she’s going to stick her nose up in the air like she’s better than us? And wear outfits like my grandmother would wear to prom?"
It makes complete sense that Farrah's grandmother wore stripper gowns to prom.
On being called a lesbian:
"All the girls I know get drunk and make out with girls for no reason. It doesn’t mean anything."
Again, no surprise.
On Mindy:
"Who the hell wants to date her if she doesn’t give him a b***j**?"
Forget Charm School. Farrah should have her own pre-Rock of Love boot camp for each season's girls.
10 of 15 | Posted by maggiemay1983 | Posted on March 13, 2009 7:52 PM
In one of the extra footage clips on the VH1 sites, Mindy seems to be talking about having given head for the first time...with all the bleeps it's hard to know if she's referring to the Ego.
There's also another vid where they're doing body painting-- and Mindy clearly has the best body of the bunch (assuming the tits are real). It's a shame about that acccent.
11 of 15 | Posted by itchy | Posted on March 14, 2009 1:00 AM
'penthouse looks like a mid level escort' hahahaha great call!
12 of 15 | Posted by sammy64 | Posted on March 14, 2009 1:52 AM
I loved Farrah too but she did lose the Ego a bit go. I think she just knew he was more into Ashley and decided just to enjoy her time while she was there. That's my girl!
Ashley reminds me of myself in the way that she seems all gooey and sugary wih children and then daggers come out of her eyes and mouth with the other women. It's because other GROWN women sometimes deserve that shit but children don't. Ashley recognizes that. She's a cool ass chick.
Besides all these chicks are on the ROCK OF LOVE BANG BUS so that right there tells us there is something screwy in their personalities to begin with.
If this Mindy B.J. (not for Big John) factoid is correct that is some sad, sad stuff. To go on a reality show and have your first mouth love experience. Annnd with some dude who's probably already developed some sort of penis calluses and felt nothing. Sad.
13 of 15 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on March 14, 2009 11:16 AM
CB -- "You better check yourself before you wreck yourself," Boring Butch sasses to Bret. Where is she picking up her slang, Fresh Prince episodes from 1993?
HIL-arious!
I'm with DaraDay, who wrote "I look forward to your recaps every week (almost as much as I look forward to watching the actual show.) Which I hope says more for you and your writing then it does for me and my life."
same here!!
I am liking Juliette Lewis more and more, as well.
and ewwwwwwwwww on the concept of 'penis calluses' - GAG!
New show tomorrow - woo hoo!
14 of 15 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on March 14, 2009 1:49 PM
ChickBomb, where are you? I am desperate for your recap. Hello-Julietlewisashley GONE! Somebody pulled Bret's pussy! Please discuss.
15 of 15 | Posted by oldmomoftoddlerboys | Posted on March 23, 2009 9:58 AM