Welcome back to Rock Of Love! You all know what's happening this week - that's right, it's the return of everyone's favorite reality ho, Flasher Heather! I will waste not one moment more on some lame intro when there's fabulous, glittery stripper gowns in our future. Slap on some cheap makeup and let's get reunited!
You've never looked cheaper. I mean that as a compliment.
All the hos are in agreement that it's a lovely, sunshiney day now that Germy Kristy Joe has officially left the building. And back in Bumblefuck, Wherever, the local cops are happy to once again have Germy's daily ex-husband restraining order issuance to occupy their time. Win-win for everyone.
And here in the Rock of Love house, it's time for the day's clue! It's handed to Muppet Daisy. Something about being honest with Bret so they can grow...and that someone's going home tonight. Straying from the 1. Challenge, 2. Solo date, 3. Group date, 4. Elimination progression has the hos confused. Muppet articulates, "I'm totally confused. But I know someone's going home tonight."
And Bret fills us in that today is a day he absolutely needs. He's bringing over some special guests - friends of the hos who will give him what he's looking for. A group thing? That's a requirement of being Bret's main ho, you know, gotta have willing friends. And indeed, we are informed that, "Bret Michaels is bringing in the big guns." Bret Michaels in the third person? That's how we know he's serious.
And the first of these special guests, is a remarkably normal looking guy in a newsboy cap. The last person on earth I would expect this average joe to be is Bisexual Destiney's ex husband, but that's who it is! So the theme of today's visit is revenge of the exes! Bisexual's not worried though, she and her ex are still good friends.
Next up is a Southern frat boy hat type, complete with the dirty baseball cap, named Casey. He belongs to Farmgirl Jessica. Butterface Megan says she doesn't know who's coming for her, but she suspects it's not going to be good.
Butterface and the Geek
And so we get a smug looking dude named Josh, who Butterface informs was never even actually her boyfriend - they "kind of dated" for six months, but he had another girlfriend who he wouldn't leave Butterface for. Sneaking around with someone else's boyfriend for six months. Oh Butterface, what a delightfully classy ho you are. And need I mention that someone who really thought they were all that and a tube of lube (What? It's Rock of Love, just sticking with the theme!) wouldn't have to date another girl's guy.
Next up is Cross Eyed Soccer Mom Ambre. I know, I said I was taking the Cross Eyed out, but then I read last week's diligently researched reader comments, and realized that this ho is the same fame whore as the rest of 'em - just cause she drives a mini-van in Middle America and paid more than $4.99 for her website design doesn't mean she isn't subject to the same skewering as everybody else.
Soccer Mom assumes her special guest star will be her ex-fiancé, but Bret tells us that they couldn't get any of Soccer Mom's exes to come on the show. Their passing on the opportunity makes Soccer Moms' exes look the best of all, simply by default. But never fear, we've got some total dufus in glasses and a blue Hawaiian printed shirt to do their duty. It's Soccer Mom's "best friend", Adam - sexuality undetermined. The "best friend" status says gay, but only a straight man would come on television wearing such a hideous shirt.
I would like to enter this photo into evidence.
Which leaves us with Muppet, and as we know from the previews, she's hiding something. And the clue comes in the form of some faux-Kid Rock type named Charles. Muppet tells us they've broken up and gotten back together more times than should be allowed. Charles has come on national television in a wifebeater shirt. Enough said.
But in all fairness, Bret continues, he's brought someone from his past too! I know what's coming! It's someone who's always had my back, he says and I'm nearly jumping out of my seat...and then, the door opens and it's Flasher Heather! I literally yell with joy. Finally, Flasher's here to rescue this bum Season Two!
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Comments (20)
LOVED Megan at the end! LOVED IT!!! You could literally see the wheels turning in her head as she tried to grasp the concept that 1) someone actually doesn't think she's hot enough to keep around, and 2) her second attempt at becoming a huge celebrity bombed and she's outta there. LOVED IT!!!!
And seriously - why AREN'T Heather and Bret together? It's so easy to see how well they get along - they honestly do seem perfect for each other.
I hadn't realized how much Heather had grown on me until she came back. I actually miss the girl!
1 of 20 | Posted by mandymax | Posted on March 27, 2008 5:43 AM
flash of love? america's next top stripper? flashlicious? I agree- the possibilities are endless and Heather is the most lively thiing in that house this whole season.
Butterface- this girl got dragged through the dirt in so many demeaning ways this episode and yet there is something so unlikeable about her that I just can't feel sorry for her.
At this point I think the best choice for bret is destiney. wait what am I saying- its flasher. I really really really hope he brings her back to win it all.
what do you think daisy's secrets are? my guess is that she's done porn- nothing too hardcore but definitely in the porn family.
2 of 20 | Posted by chunkymonkey | Posted on March 27, 2008 5:57 AM
That was an amazing recap! I was so excited that Flasher was back, she really made the show. The gowns, the bikini's, the one pieces. We really couldn't ask for much more. Heather has grown on me too! I think it's bc Jes turned out to be such a b*tch.
All I kept thinking when Jessica was at eliminations and kissed brett was that I hope she brushed, flossed, and mouthwashed bc that smell does not go away easily and I was so grossed out.
chunkymonkey - I also think there was some soft core porn involved...
3 of 20 | Posted by yankeesfan | Posted on March 27, 2008 7:11 AM
I was so excited to see Heather back. This season's girls are so annoying/duds. I love her fun attitude, and how upfront she is, and she looked really pretty too. I'm glad she's gonna be in the next episode? Why aren't her and Bret together again? "Holy hell !"
But anyways, I'm glad to see Megan go. She was so vapid and empty headed and annoying. I don't see how she made it this far.
Daisy's face goes from cute to ugly to me. That close-up of her face in this episode was hideous and a little scary, I'm sorry. She looks like Plastic Surgery Barbie.
But does anyone else know that Daisy's real name is Daisy de la Hoya, and she's the niece of boxer Oscar de la Hoya? True story.
4 of 20 | Posted by hollabackboy | Posted on March 27, 2008 8:12 AM
VH-1 has a clip of Megan during her exit interview, pouting, trying to cry, and then laughing when she's asked how she feels. She is a horrid human being. I will miss her.
Flash of Love indeed. I like it!
5 of 20 | Posted by natural redhead | Posted on March 27, 2008 10:15 AM
Daisy's real name is Vanessa Mossman ... or something like that. I watched the VH1 clips and Farmgirl, after ransacking Daisy's luggage found out, ratted her out to Bret.
LOVE Flasher! Wiping small tear of joy from my eye. Wouldn't it be great if they pulled a Flav/New York and kept Heather.*sigh*
6 of 20 | Posted by cbc-cca | Posted on March 27, 2008 10:19 AM
I hope Flasher is brought in to win it all. I love that girl!
7 of 20 | Posted by mle428 | Posted on March 27, 2008 10:26 AM
ChickBomb, all your recaps are good but this one. Was. Awesome!
My favorite line - "but you just can't not like him." Very true. I think if he lost the bandanas and the Barbie wigs he'd be better looking. If I was a pro at Photoshop, I'd remove them and give him a current Peter Frampton 'do.
8 of 20 | Posted by Clair | Posted on March 27, 2008 11:58 AM
Not a doubt in my mind Megan was practicing the mindless stare of disgust for some soap, I'm guessing we'll see her on Days or Passions sometime within the next few months.
9 of 20 | Posted by seraph__moon | Posted on March 27, 2008 1:47 PM
At first I was afraid that Heather was being too nice and wouldn't get any dirt from the whores, but OH did she ever kill with kindness!
I too would like to join the betting pool that "Daisy" (she totally looks like a Vanessa. Or at least, she probably did at one point, before the cheek implants and nose job and hot dog lips) did some porno.
I begrudgingly find myself liking Bret, too. As a fellow Pennsylvanian, I can pick up his Western PA accent from time to time.
10 of 20 | Posted by MissKatrina | Posted on March 27, 2008 2:52 PM
Is the pronounciation of 'tore' as in "Your tore ends here," a Western PA accent?
11 of 20 | Posted by Clair | Posted on March 27, 2008 3:13 PM
In that case, they're all famewhores- I posted this elsewhere, but for the record:
Actually, they're all actresses in some way.
Destiny (aka Destiny Moore aka Destiny Sue Walker) was in the movie Georgia Rule with Lindsay Lohan.
Megan obviously was on 'Beauty and the Geek'
Daisy (de la Hoya) is Oscar De La Hoya's (the boxer) niece. Plus her crappy band, and she's a "model"
Jessica (Kinni) is a model and has been in some CMT music videos including one that can be seen on “CMT’s 20 Sexiest Videos.”
Kristy Jo did playboy, and models
Ambre...well, I aready talked about her.
Mark my words, Heather and Destiny will be the last two. Those two bring the DRAMA. If this will be the last ROL with Brett Michaels, he will pick Heather. Even if they don't stay together, people like Heather, and they want to see her win. If he picks Destiny, there will be a ROL 3 with Brett.
These things can be pretty predictable...i might be wrong, but that's my guess, and I feel like I'm right
I forgot to mention that Ambre also made a cameo in Sweet Home Alabama as the wedding planner. She's actually from Alabama, too. We went to the same college...Troy State University.
12 of 20 | Posted by dangerdarling | Posted on March 27, 2008 3:32 PM
Vanessa Mossman, eh? Hmm, that's odd. I found her nude pictures under "Daisy de La Hoya" and one of her myspaces says she is Oscar's niece. (and come on..we ALL know how reliable MYSPACE is. Heh.) Maybe she has been married before?
Anyway.
Best recap/best episode of the season.
Chickbomb...we commend you:)
13 of 20 | Posted by dangerdarling | Posted on March 27, 2008 5:14 PM
Bret supposedly has a live-in gf or wife so he can't pick Heather because Ms. Right would break up his marriage. That's my theory anyway. Bret and Heather are perfect for each other, but I think Bret is a closet dramaqueen(king). If the woman isn't some kinda crazy, then there's no mystery to solve. He probably thinks of Heather as more of a hang-out partner/best friend. Have they had sex?
14 of 20 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on March 27, 2008 9:42 PM
blahblah - the assumption is they have indeed had sex, a la the trip to Mexico at the end of last season when it was down to Heather and Jes. Heather enjoyed throwing it in Jes's face after a date with him.
Another Western PA native here! Don't knock us!
15 of 20 | Posted by mandymax | Posted on March 28, 2008 5:34 AM
Yes, Clair, when Bret says "tour" and it comes out as "tore", that's Western PA coming through.
Last year when he took the girls to Mexico and he remarked on the ocean, it came out as "eeaaaauuuuuushiin". Hee!!
16 of 20 | Posted by MissKatrina | Posted on March 28, 2008 6:35 AM
Everyone keeps saying Bret is married, but he said on the premiere that he's "been engaged twice, but never married." Correct me if I am wrong, but one can be legally separated from a "partner" or long-time significant other, and his Wiki says he's separated.
Anyways, from a look at Destiney "Sue Walker's" IMDB page, she's been in a few porno movies as well. None of these girls are scot free in the opportunist department, but if I were to choose the most genuine, and the best for Bret, I like Jessica, Destiney, Heather, and (shrug) Daisy.
17 of 20 | Posted by Tigermilk | Posted on March 28, 2008 12:14 PM
Whatever myspace I just saw (it appears that Daisy has several), there are pictures of Daisy with "Jess" all over the place. It's farmgirl. Are they BFF now?
There's also a picture of Daisy with Nikki Sixx, about whom she captions that he's "my hero." hmmmmm
18 of 20 | Posted by Memememe | Posted on March 28, 2008 12:28 PM
you know cb, i was actually smiling viciously at butterface's ex and his pathetic stab at advertising his bar. i mean, they only pseudo-dated for 6 months and he apparently isn't that torn up about it. when vh-1 calls, why wouldn't he don his stupid shirt and be on tv to get the name out? of course he's not there for her! they hardly even know each other.
sourpuss obviously walks through life with the same obnoxious conceit that she has in this show. err....and the other show. and any other show she'll inevitably be on.
my tatters are thrilled that flasher's back.
19 of 20 | Posted by k37744 | Posted on March 28, 2008 12:35 PM
Flasher looks like she's been workin' out. She looks fit!
She was looking a kinda puffy toward the end of last season. Couldn't have been all the booze and partying in the house.
Cuz you know there's nothing but healthy livin in that place - what with Brett monitoring his diabeetus and all........
20 of 20 | Posted by 2Old4This | Posted on March 31, 2008 1:52 PM