If you thought last week's episode was like a gallon of mustard on a teency soft pretzel, then you probably couldn't force yourself to sit through the final episode of Rock The Cradle.
What I'm trying to say is that this grand finale was approximately 60 times as long as it needed to be, and included the trifecta of unbearable music competition show fillers: Medleys, Special Performances, and, worst of all, Memories.
Oh, the memories.
You know, this show was only on for 6 weeks. So there's really no need for any memory refreshers to clarify the arc of this saga.
But Rock The Cradle would be nothing without its video packages, and so in its final hour we must endure one helluva review session. It sort of feels like when you're at a party, and someone is telling you a really boring and long-winded story about people you don't know or care about, and just when they are about to get to the punchline, thereby freeing you to go use the bathroom or get another drink, some friend of theirs drops into the conversation and asks, "Wait, what were you guys talking about?" And thus you must stand there for another 10 minutes and listen to the whole story from the very beginning just because some asshole doesn't appreciate how valuable your time is.
MTV, you're that asshole at that party. And because of you, I missed the last batch of margaritas and now I've got to make a drink out of what's left on the table: gin, diet coke, and Kahlua. Who the hell brought Kahlua anyway?
[Hey guys, see what I've done there? I've found a way to cram this recap full of nonsense to stretch it out. If MTV can use filler, so can I.]
We begin this show with a lineup of the remaining contestants. This is the first of roughly 16 lineups during this episode.
Remember who the contestants are? You do? Oh, well just in case, here they are again.
'CAUSE THIS IS THRILLER. THRILLER NIGHT.
Nothing says big dramatic final episode like a fog machine, eh folks? With the contestants before us, host Crispy McPoptart gives us a rundown of the Big Three. "Crosby Loggins is talented, but puts on a snoozefest of a performance. Jesse Blaze is so rock and roll it hurts. And Chloe Lattanzi is dark and mysterious."
And Chloe thinks her description is just hil-aaaaa-ri-ous.
SEE? I CAN BE FUN.
And now it's time for The Medley. Now, shows like American Idol would probably have made all three of the contestants perform together and sing a song about peace or something. But Rock The Cradle lets them sing whatever the hell they want. For 15 seconds a piece.
In this corner we have Crosby Loggins singing The Raconteurs' "Steady As She Goes."
RELAXED PLAID
And in this corner, we have Chloe Lattanzi singing "Should I Stay Or Should I Go?"
SHOULD YOU STAY OR SHOULD YOU GO? YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO.
3. 2. 1. Now it's time for Jesse Blaze Snider. Aaaaaand go!
THIS MAY BE THE LAST TIME YOU EVER SEE THIS CHEST, FOLKS.
Trying to remind us all that Jesse is not fake punk, he performs Good Charlotte's "The Anthem." Wow, yeah, you are bad to the bone, Jesse B.
I think it would have been far more interesting if every contestant sang their song at the exact same time, competing to be the loudest.
Ok, so that's done. Now what?
Let's line em all up again. Yep. There they are. Now, say their names again, host Dippin Dotty. Crosby, Chloe, Jesse.
NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER
Great, NOW WHAT?
"I've got an idea," says our wee little host. "Let's watch my acting reel. You know, in case any casting agents or directors are watching. I think I'd be great on One Tree Hill."
I COULD PASS FOR 15, 16, RIGHT?
The audience falls silent. The judges shift uncomfortably in their chairs.
"No? Ok well never mind I was just kidding. Ladies and gentlemen, how about another round of applause for our 3 finalists!"
"And let's not forget our panel of fabulous judges! A round of applause for them as well."
NOBODY CARES
Ok, I hate to ask this, but NOW WHAT?
"Uh... let's talk about all of the contestants who were already voted off the show."
Really? I mean, that's kind of irrelevant at this point, isn't it?
"We've got an hour to kill here. Do you have any better ideas?"
No, I guess not.
Now, I could attempt to discuss the Memories portion of the show, but basically, we reviewed the order that each contestant was sent home.
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Comments (2)
I think I know how Chloe stayed on this show so long.....Lucy's father would not have attended the taping because he was on tour so by default Chloe had to stay on for MTV to do the parent\child act.....ahhhhh!
1 of 2 | Posted by coloradosunshine | Posted on May 12, 2008 3:07 PM
Hit me baby one more time was done waaayyy better when Marty Casey did it on Rock Star. Jesse's version was just desperate and obvious. I can't believe I'm really taking the time to analyze this show. I'm so embarrassed for myself. Thanks HW Sucka, now I know how you must've felt! But, great recaps nonetheless. I could've never brought myself to sit through each agonizing minute!
2 of 2 | Posted by leenieva | Posted on May 13, 2008 6:21 PM