Testimonials

1. Jesse Money
2. A'Keiba Hammer
3. Landon Brown and Lil' B. Sure
4. Lara Johnston and Lucy Walsh

And all of the contestants are back to cheer on the remaining three in the big finale.

LOSERS

Among them, of course, is Lucy Walsh. To everyone's surprise, she was sent home in the previous week. Her final words before departing: "If you were going to vote for me, vote for Jesse Blaze Snider instead."

This week, Lucy gives her simple explanation for her endorsement. "Jesse Snider's my best friend...that's why."

ALSO, WE'RE SLEEPING TOGETHER.

Let's do another line up. Check in with the contestants. You guys still there?

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MOVE THINGS ALONG PLEASE.

And now we've reached the portion of the show where the contestants give us a Special Performance.

"They're pulling out all the stops and singing...the same songs they sang a few episodes back."

Wait, really?

"Yes, the same exact songs. Their parents' hits. Only this time, they're singing them WITH THEIR PARENTS. Ta-da!"

First we have Jesse Blaze Snider and dad Dee Snider singing "We're Not Gonna Take It." Although, really, Jesse sings pretty much the whole thing before Dad strolls out at the end and sings the hook a few times.

SORRY I'M LATE, KID. I WAS FIXING MY HAIR.

Next up is Chloe with mom Olivia Newton John. And oh look, that stupid throne is back.

CHLOE, DARLING, MUMMY'S A LITTLE WEIRDED OUT.

They re-sang Chloe's version of "I Honestly Love You." Olivia just sang "ooooo" while sitting uncomfortable in the throne. I'm wondering if she forgot the words or if she was distracted by her daughter, who was writhing around on the floor, burying herself in fake fog.

And then finally Crosby and dad Kenny Loggins took to the stage to sing "I'm Alright." Of the three performances, this one had the most parental involvement. Kenny sang practically the whole time, and kept drowning out his son with his loud "YYYYYYYeaaaaah!"s.

LET ME SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE, BOY

Now that that's over with, can we please get rid of someone?

"Not until we line up the contestants again and say their names."

CAN WE HURRY THIS UP? I'VE GOT SOMETHING AT 10:30.

Crosby, Chloe, Jesse. Jesse, Chloe, Crosby. Chloe, Jesse ,Crosby. Crosby, you improved your performance this season. Chloe, you learned to lighten up. Jesse, you tried to keep your ego in check. Yaddi yaddi yadda.

Dramatic pause.

And BAM Chloe you are outta here!

"YOU LOOK BUMMED, DO YOU WANT A HUG?" "NO, THAT'S OK."

Chloe gives us some final words of wisdom. "Just be yourself, be unique."

And then host Weenie Wompster asks mom Olivia what she thinks of Chloe's performance during the season.

"I think she is a wonderful person and so talented." What else would a mom say?

I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING PAID FOR THIS.

Are we done yet, Weenie Wompster?

"Look, I'm driving this bus and we stop when I say we stop. Got it?"

Fine. So what's up next? A dance off? An Iron Chef challenge?

"I've got a better, more original, not at all painfully boring idea. Lets have Crosby and Jesse each sing another song!"

For crying out loud.

First is Jesse Blaze, who has done all manner of offensive covers this season. And for his big finish, he'll do a cover of Britney Spears' "Hit Me Baby One More Time."

Ah, Jesse, I see your point. True rock and roll should be gimmicky and obnoxious!

WORST CAMERA ANGLE EVER

On a stage full of bored-looking dancing girls, Jesse struts around and strips down to his worst shirt-less concoction yet: The Bare-Chested Neck Tie.

BUT WHERE DO YOU CLIP YOUR NAME TAG?

After Jesse, Crosby takes the stage to perform.

So, Crosby sings and plays guitar. Yaddi yadda. What more can I say about him at this point?

ROCKIN THE SUBURBS

Ok, Shimmy Shakes, is there anything else you'd like to do? Or can we just get on with the show and name the winner?

"Hmmm, I'm out of ideas."

Thank heavens.

"Before I announce the winner, can I just line them up first and say their names a few times?"

Be my guest.

CROSBY, JESSE. JESSE CROSBY. CROSBY JESSE. JESSE CROSBY.

"Ok there, I'm done. And the winner is....Crosby!"

HOLY CRAP

I can't believe that boring ol' Crosby is the winner! Sure, I started off loving the guy for being such a sweetheart. But then by the third time I suffered through one of his lackluster performances and awkward stage strut, I was all about Mr. Charisma, Jesse Blaze.

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Posted in Rock the Cradle by HollywoodSucker at 12:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Last Comment: leenieva on May 13, 2008 06:21 PM.