If you've ever wondered what it would be like to grow up as the child of a legendary musician who everyone cares about, you're in the same boat as most of the contestants on MTV's new show Rock The Cradle.
For your viewing pleasure, MTV has lumped together 9 offspring of rock and pop stars that you'd nearly forgotten about. It's a line up that has me asking, "What's happening in the lives of the little Springsteins and Bon Jovis of the world?" But, ok, so instead we get the daughter of one of the members of the Doobie Brothers and Al B. Sure's son. Whatever, we'll take what we can get.
At the show's dramatic onset, the premise is laid out for us: After admiring their parents' successful careers (from afar, through stories recounted by their nannies and a collection of well-intentioned birthday cards mailed from London and signed "I'll be there for the next one, poopsie. Love, Pa."), these kids are eager to make a name for themselves as performers in their own right. They're ready to "step out of the shadows" of their famous parents, says the host. And what better way to separate themselves from their 'rents than to participate in a show that defines each of them as Son or Daughter of So and So, puts their parents in the VIP section of the audience, and invites Mom or Dad to comment following the performances.
Even more questionable than the contradictory goal of the show is the bewildering selection of chucklehead Ryan Devlin as host. 
ARGYLE!
As master of ceremonies, Ryan's main duties are to make badly timed jokes no one laughs at and to pounce on contestants at the conclusion of their performances, smothering them with creepy hugs and squeezing their shoulders tightly. To be honest, every time this twerp hopped on stage I tuned out and invented nicknames for him. So far, I've come up with Skippy McBobblehead and Tiny von Tightsweater.
And then there are the judges. Belinda Carlisle, who is so relevant to today's music scene.
A small, tanned lawyer who apparently discovered Britney Spears.
Some dull woman who is a stylist or something.
And a choreographer dressed like a sales rep from Enterprise Rent a Car.
On with the show!
JUST CALL ME JESSE MUSCLES
First up is Jesse Money, daughter of rocker Eddie Money, who sang "Two Tickets to Paradise." Could his daughter be as entertaining as her dad's song performed at drunk karaoke?
The answer is no. Not really. With bony hips exposed and Dad watching proudly from the audience, Jesse stands in place and flatly yells her way through "When I'm Gone" by Three Doors Down. 
HOLD ME WHEN I'M HERE, LOVE ME WHEN I'M GONE. MY TUMMY IS BARE, I NEED TO CUT MY HAIR. LOVE ME WHEN I'M GOOOOONNNNNEEEE!
The judges were moderately impressed/trying to be nice since she was first up. Small Tan Lawyer said he was unsure she possessed the sparkling star quality to make her stand out. Well, STL, what she lacks in charisma she makes up for in sheer VOLUME OF HER VOICE.
Next up we have Landon Brown, pre-Whitney son of Bobby Brown. As Smirky Smirkerson (that's host nickname #3) introduces us to young Landon, father Bobby is weaving around in the background, his eyes watery and bloodshot, his laughter uncontrollable and alarming. During the produced video segment on Landon's life, the poor kid's like "I saw my dad about 3 times when I was little. And then he went to jail a lot." I'm sad to see ol' Bobby hasn't fully cleaned up his act. No, I know he's supposed to have gone to rehab or whatever, but does that ever reeeaallly work?
But Landon, clearly used to his dad's embarrassing antics, calmly takes the stage to sing Seal's "Crazy," while dressed in an outfit that is just one tie style away from Pee Wee Herman.
NO WE'RE NEVER GONNA SURVIIIIVE, UNLESS WE GET A LITTLE CHAIRY
Landon, good song, bad voice. Like really, pretty darn bad. Though he would probably sound great doing a drunken karaoke rendition of "Two Tickets to Paradise."
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Comments (11)
Genious! Everything you said was exactly what I was thinking as I watched it last night. My only thought was that Lucy Walsh only won because she picked the easiest song to sing. So wimpy.
And is any one freaked out by the fact that tanned lawyer is Britney Spears' once fired, now re-hired manager? I don't know that I'd want advice from him.
Can't wait for next week!
1 of 11 | Posted by Inono | Posted on April 4, 2008 4:19 PM
I thought the same thing. I was fully expecting to see these people all in a house together to see how they interact with eachother and then show them singing live or something. That would've been more interesting than a hour and a half featuring these people singing. They all seem very nice but I'm not sure if their that good of singers.
2 of 11 | Posted by bigjr6633 | Posted on April 5, 2008 9:32 AM
Thanks for the recap! I only caught half the show today, so it was fun to read it.
Good overall recap, however, Belinda didn't call Crosby "secretly sexy"...it was the stylist lady.
3 of 11 | Posted by beth26 | Posted on April 5, 2008 12:15 PM
Brilliant recap. I will be voting for Crosby Loggins. He is handsome and looks like my frined Tuna. I guess that makes Tuna handsome, which I never really thought about but now agree with.
Bobby brown was really high during this taping and scared me a little (okay a lot) with his evil glare and "i'm gonna kill someone" rocking back and forth. Also, he pretty much came right out and said that his son's performance sucked. I'm changing my vote to Bobby.
4 of 11 | Posted by oneillmahoney | Posted on April 5, 2008 4:20 PM
Chloe...yikes. I know sometimes people are so freakish looking that it makes them beautiful, but I don't think that applies in this case. If that is not your natural face, why would you do that to yourself?? And if that IS your natural face, I'm really sorry. I'd like to see what the dad looks like. Regardless of appearances, her rendition of that song was terrible. When Olivia said it made her breathless, that doesn't necessarily mean in a good way.
5 of 11 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on April 6, 2008 5:25 AM
Ugh, Bobby Brown drives me nuts. And now he's pimping out his son in order to stay relevant. What a creep! And his son is terrible.
6 of 11 | Posted by jellybean | Posted on April 6, 2008 12:23 PM
Lucy Walsh reminds me of a Lisa Loeb/Jenny Lewis hybrid. I wish she would tone down her nasally delivery a little, though. And poor Chloe! I just don't even know what to add about her. Loved Jesse Blaze Snider, though. Sorry, I'm a fan of the eighties!
7 of 11 | Posted by sweetiedarlng | Posted on April 6, 2008 2:58 PM
There is an awesome video of Chloe singing with ONJ on YouTube.
Search: Olivia Newton-John~Chloe Lattanzi~You Loved Me Into It
8 of 11 | Posted by isabell | Posted on April 6, 2008 8:15 PM
Wow, I never knew Minnie Driver was Olivia Newton John's daughter!
9 of 11 | Posted by ibanez_bw | Posted on April 7, 2008 1:23 AM
I had no intention of watching this show, but I had some time to kill the other day so I watched. I was shocked! I mean SHOCKED at how strange poor Chloe looks. I don't know if those lips are the "originals", but she should have turned out better than that. Her dad was a smokin' hottie in the 80's and played a few "hot but dumb" roles in some movies before he married Olivia an moved off to Australia to be a kept man. Olivia Newton-John was pretty cute back in the day as well. I don't know what happened to that kid. She definitely looks like the spawn of Olivia and she has her dad (Matt Lattanzi's) coloring so she must be theirs but DAYUMMMM!!! that's just not fair. Oh, and she can't sing worth a damn either. She's just fucked.
10 of 11 | Posted by the_baddest_bitch | Posted on April 8, 2008 3:42 PM
Some useful advice: DVR the show and skip the bio/rehearsal/home life parts. The songs are all truncated one verse-then-one chorus-big finish. My biggest problem was that most of these kids just don't have the mileage to invest any real emotional connection to the songs. "Heart of the Matter" is a song about the breakup of a relationship that's probably older than the girl singing it. Chloe's song sounded like she was in over her head. Those awkward ohhs and ahhs had me wanting to dig up Michael Hutchence and smacking her with his rotted corpse. I actually liked the Johnston girl, but the Alice in Disneyland dress was a bad choice. And lastly, the Loggins kid doesn't even need this show. He's got the skills to be a working musician. Maybe not a superstar, but he doesn't have to get a day job.
11 of 11 | Posted by warrenpeace | Posted on April 8, 2008 8:20 PM