Testimonials

Before I go on about Crosby, I have to share a story with you. During the week, I was on my lunch hour, sitting outside at a Greek restaurant, when who should walk right by my table but CROSBY LOGGINS. "Oh my God, it's Crosby Loggins," I whisper-yelled to my dining companion. Crosby froze in place, clearly having heard his name. And so because I'm so cool, I immediately stared down at my plate and drew lines in my hummus with my fork until he walked away. The end.

So anyway, this week we get to learn a little about perpetual nice guy Crosby. Apparently he volunteers for Peace Through Music, bringing music to kids in public schools who don't have a music education program.

NO NO, MR. LOGGINS WAS MY FATHER'S NAME. JUST CALL ME CROZ.

This week, Crosby decides to break out one of them new-fangled electric guitars to sing the Foo Fighters "Long Road To Ruin."

NOTE DRUMMER IN BACKGROUND DOING FANCY TRICKS

So he rocks out, I guess. Ok, I'm going to be honest with you. I love Crosby because he is modest and sweet, but I don't really care for his singing, per se.

But obviously what I think doesn't matter, because this time the judges gave him the highest score of the entire season: 38.5, putting him very securely in this week's untouchable chair. (By the way, the title "untouchable chair" sounds like some kind of punishment, don't you think? Like a time out, or standing in the corner.)

June, who has always been insanely obsessed with Crosby, one ups herself and her comment from last week, "I simply lust after you." This week she says, "Not only do I love you, I love you dipped in chocolate. You look so delicious." Oh man.

And then she adds the nonsensical, "You are going to take this competition all the way to the altar." The altar? What effing altar? Someone's looking for a husband...

WHAT THE HELL, JUNE?

But wait, aren't we supposed to be eliminating two people this week? Shouldn't we maybe get to it?

Yes, yes. And that time is now. Lil B. Sure, son of Al B. Sure, who put on a terrible show last week, is called forward.

Survey says: Pack your bags and get the H outta here.

MAYBE I SHOULD'VE SHOWN MORE CHEST.

Wow. It feels so great to send people home. Why am I such a jerk?

No time time to answer that, for it's time to get on with the show and bring the trash-talking Jesse Blaze to the stage to "put his money where his mouth is," as the saying goes. Although a more appropriate saying for him would probably be, "Put his leather vest where his shirt should be."

Before he performs, we get a little glimpse into Jesse's creepy home life as we witness a fight between June and Jesse's mom. They argue about costume choices, and Mom settles the matter with a final, "Jesse's whoever I tell him to be."

JESSE, SWEETIE, REMEMBER TO GO PEE PEE BEFORE WE GET YOU INTO YOUR LEATHER PANTS

So now we know Momma Snider is responsible for all of Jesse's terrible outfits. But it is Jesse himself who takes responsibility for his ridiculous song choices. This week, in a move that has Johnny Cash turning in his grave, Jesse will be performing a fake-punk version of "Ring of Fire."

LOVE IS A FIREY THING. I LOVE YOU, AND MY EYEBROW RING.

The song was obviously an abomination, albeit a well-executed and lively performed one. And Jesse's outfit was fabulously awful.

It was very David Bowie in Labyrinth.

But with early 90's Sally Jesse Raphael hair.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION, YES, THEY DO STILL MAKE HAIR MOUSSE

The judges were kind, giving him 8's and 8.5's, except for Belinda, who gave him a 6 and called him a "one trick pony." I'm fairly certain no one's used that expression since Olde Timey Days, but way to make it hip again, B.

To her criticism, Jesse's dad Dee Snider remarked, "No, he's a four trick pony."

THANKS FOR NOTHING, DAD

Up next, we have Lucy Walsh and her push up bra.

ACTUALLY, IT'S DUCT TAPE

Survey says: Stay!

Last week, Lucy gave a lackluster, out of breath rock performance. But she was just following the advice of judge Larry Rudolph, who said he needed to see her rocker side. "Whoops," says Larry, "Guess that was a bad idea. Just stick with the ballads." And so this week Lucy gets back to the slow jams with a song by a band I've never heard of, "Fall For You" by Secondhand Serenade.

BACKDROP REMINDS ME OF SPACE MOUNTAIN

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Posted in Rock the Cradle by HollywoodSucker at 12:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)
Last Comment: cradlewillrock on Apr 30, 2008 07:22 AM.