Another item on my very short list of "Things I Actually Like About Rock The Cradle" is the ever-changing show format. Sometimes host Byron Slaptank will eliminate contestants right at the end of the show, and sometimes he'll do it at the beginning. Sometimes he drags out the pre-elimination spiel for five minutes, and sometimes he gets to the point. Sometimes they send home one contestant, and sometimes they send home two. And this week, they are letting all of the contestants sing one song before they cut 2 from the roster and then force them to sing yet again.

Yes! This week we get to watch the performances of 2 lame ducks. 2 lame ducks who think they still stand a chance in hell. 2 lame ducks who have no idea that in the latter half of the show they will be kicked to the curb. I am so painfully embarassed for all of them.

Just look at this sorry lot.

HAS-BEENS IN TRAINING

Before getting to the performances, we must get our dose of backstage drama. This week, the big fight took place between Crosby "Nice Guy" Loggins and Jesse Blaze "I Already Have A Ridiculous Middle Name" Snider.

I guess this wasn't so much a big fight as it was a few passive aggressive comments spoken quietly in between sips of water.

First, Crosby, who sat safely in the untouchable seat at the conclusion of the show, says to his rivals "I'm sorry you're all so bummed out."

WE'VE CREATED A MONSTER

And then goes on to congratulate himself for winning the untouchable seat for the last vote before the finals. Brilliant "strategy," Croz.

To this unCrosbylike fit of gloating, Jesse responds with, "That's...awesome." And then goes on to explain in his interview, "It's kind of like he's cheating." Interesting point of view. I would argue that it's kind of like he just followed the rules put in place by the show's producers, but let's just agree to disagree.

WINNING IS FOR LOSERS ANYWAY

So this week, the judges selected two songs for each of the contestants to perform. Apparently, the judges weren't satisfied with watching the contestants mess up their own choices, their parents' choices, and their parents' songs. Now they needed proof that the contestants could truly fail everyone involved with the show.

Before getting to the point, we've got 30 minutes of unnecessary programming to get through. Contestants: time for all of you to give us song #1.

First up we have Crosby Loggins. Continuing their futile efforts to infuse this gentlemanly robot with a funky personality and an engaging stage presence, the judges have selected Weezer's "Beverly Hills." Crosby is a little apprehensive about this song choice. After all, he is a man of integrity and severity.

WILL THERE BE LAUGHTER? AND DANCING? I'M NOT SURE ABOUT THIS.

But Croz is in it to win it. And so he plays along.

His formula for a spontaneous performance?

2 PARTS UNCHOREOGRAPHED BACKUP SKANKS

+ 1 PART MAKING SILLY FACES

After his performance, host Frankie Potpots decides to waste more of our time, and asks the judges for their opinions, even though they don't score this round of songs.

As usual, they overlook his dull moves and his ordinary voice, and tell him he is awesome awesome awesome. Oh, and Jamie is back this week, after taking last week off to, apparently, have breast implants.

I STUCK WITH A SMALL B. I DIDN'T WANT THEM TO BE TOO OBVIOUS.

Next we have Jesse Blaze Snider.

In his meeting with judge Larry, he expressed his anger over judge Belinda Carlisle's comment, "I know you're much more capable than coming off as fake punk." Jesse remarks, "Someone from the Go-Gos called me fake punk? That's like Adolf Hitler calling someone else a nazi."

I THINK HE CALLED A LOT OF PEOPLE NAZIS. THAT WAS SORT OF THE WHOLE POINT.

Jesse will first be singing the Jet song, "Are You Gonna Be My Girl?"

"The challenge," says judge Larry, "will be for you to make it your own."

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Posted in Rock the Cradle by HWSucka at 12:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
Last Comment: oneillmahoney on May 8, 2008 02:38 PM.