Testimonials

I ALSO CHALLENGE YOU TO KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON FOR ONCE.

Always the crowd pleaser, Jesse and his newly dyed tips put on a lively show. (Crosby, I hope you were taking notes.)

TAKE THAT, NAZIS

As much as this guy gets on my nerves, I've gotta admit he stands out from the rest and is my current favorite.

He's even managing to win over his new enemy, Belinda, who gives him a serious talking to following his performance. "First I'm going to talk about your performance and then I'm going to talk about you."

AND THEN I'M GOING TO TALK ABOUT ME AND THEN I'M GOING TO TALK ABOUT US.

Giving him a wildly unnecessary ego boost, Belinda assures him he's got the looks and the moves to be a true rock star. But then criticizes his bad ass 'tude, telling him "You can dish it out but you can't take it." And, "I think I know what I'm talking about, I've been making music for 30 years."

SO, THAT MAKES YOU WHAT, LIKE 50? DUDE, YOU'RE OLD.

Now it's time for everyone's favorite kid sister, lil' Lara Doobie.

I MEAN, I THINK I'M READY FOR A TRAINING BRA, BUT MOM SAYS I'M KIDDING MYSELF.

Last week, stylist/judge June Ambrose took Lara aside and told her that, basically, she needed to quit dressing like an old hag. She walked her through the basics of "young and fun and hip."

June: Try wearing a t-shirt that says "Rock n Roll" on it. And pair it with some funky heels!
Lara: Yeah, ok. What's your take on high-wasted jeans?

But June is still not satisfied, and so this week, she went for round two with Lara. And this time, she's pissed.

TRY TO KEEP YOUR LEGS COVERED, AND DON'T FIDGET WITH YOUR DRESS WHILE YOU'RE SINGING. AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T GIVE YOURSELF A HOME PERM.

And so with June's advice still echoing in her head, Lara takes to the stage to sing Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry."

JUNE, I KNOW WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT HOME PERMS, BUT MY FRIEND JENNY WAS SLEEPING OVER AND, WELL, I THINK IT LOOKS SEXY.

For once, her song wasn't a huge disaster. There were a few lyrics that she mushed into a forced low coo, but mostly she did a good job.

Her outfit, on the other hand, missed the mark. Lara, I give up.

STUPID PANTS

Next up we have Lucy Walsh. This week, her dad Joe Walsh makes a rare appearance. Having realized that Lucy wasn't going to embarrass him on national television, he decided to come back from his imaginary tour and lend his support.

"MAYBE AFTER THIS WE CAN GO OUT FOR ICE CREAM." "DON'T PUSH IT, LUCY."

The judges want to see more of Lucy sitting at the piano, so this week they're having her sing "My Immortal" by Evanescence.

LOOK, IT WAS REALLY HUMID TODAY.

Her hair seems to be suffering the same fate as lil' Lara's. But her performance was as outstanding as ever. Ok, her sweetly nerdy voice didn't quite suit this haunting ballad, but I'll take what I can get in this suckfest.

And the judges apparently agree with me. Judge Larry said if he were scoring this performance, he'd give her an 11.

Oh rats, if only this wasn't a pointless exercise, Lucy.

Last but not least, it's time for resident loony Chloe Lattanzi.

Judge Larry wants to get Chloe out of her dark place by having her sing the song "Toxic" by his creation, Britney Spears. And Chloe just couldn't be more delighted to give it a shot.

NOW NO ONE WILL TAKE ME SERIOUSLY!

"I feel physically sick. I'm doing a Britney Spears song." Yeah, Chloe, I see your point. But you can do it!

To put her mind at ease, Chloe pays a visit to her dad Matt. Who lives in a teepee. No, really. See?

THE DELUXE MODEL COMES WITH A DECK.

Safe within the teepee, Chloe and her dad can jam out to his didjereedoo stylings. ("Playing didj," she calls it.) Chloe takes vocals, singing "I feeeeel you. I feeel you." Wow, Larry, you gotta get in here. They're bustin out some potential hits!

MAYBE LATER WE CAN TALK TO THE SPIRIT FOX AND MAKE UP A DANCE ABOUT THE SUNSHINE.

Talking about her experience on the show, Chloe laments, "It's amazingly strength building, but it's not fun."

To which her dad responds, "Well. That's why I live in a teepee." I suspect Dad offers this nonsensical phrase as an answer to everything.

"Some weather we've been having"
Well. That's why I live in a teepee.

"My wife left me last week."
Well. That's why I live in a teepee.

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Posted in Rock the Cradle by HollywoodSucker at 12:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
Last Comment: oneillmahoney on May 8, 2008 02:38 PM.