Testimonials

"Is that for here or to go?"
Well. That's why I live in a teepee.

I guess all that teepee time did her some good because she shut up and gave the song her best shot. I was a little worried when she started out her performance on the stairs, since I've proven time and again that stairs=bad scores. But then I remembered that the judges weren't scoring this round.

SEE, CHLOE, THERE'S STILL A BIG WEIRD SKULL THING UP THERE. YOU SHOULD FEEL NICE AND COMFEY.

Chloe did an ok job with the song. That is to say, she sang it as well as Britney sang it. For whatever it's worth.

She did a lot of hip swivels and sex faces. It was a little disturbing. But not nearly as disturbing as her prop: some guy tied up and gagged. She pulled his hair and pushed his head around in circles. I was a little worried she might break his neck.

I'D HAVE TAKEN THIS JOB EVEN IF THEY DIDN'T PAY ME. I LOVE THE ABUSE.

Well, now that we've gotten all of that crap out of the way, let's send some contestants home. Shall we?

Alright, Ricky Duwop, who's being let go?

AFTER THIS, I'M BACK TO LIVING WITH MY MOM. SO I'M GONNA MAKE THIS LAST AS LONG AS POSSIBLE.

But instead of giving us some freakin payoff, we have to watch the second performance from untouchable Crosby Loggins.

Ugh, FINE, let's get on with it then.

Wait, first we have to check in with dad Kenny. FINE. But make it quick.

So Kenny gives this little blahblah about how all five of the contestants in tonight's show demonstrated phenomenal growth in their abilities.

WELL, NOW WE SEE WHERE CROSBY GETS HIS EXHAUSTING NICENESS.

Ok, can we get to the performance already?

Per the judges' decree, Crosby is singing The Fray's "Over My Head."

I CAN PLAY THE PIANO TOO. BITE ME, LUCY GOOSEY.

I've said it before. I'm not into Crosby's voice. And there was this point in the first few seconds of the song where I thought he was just making noises to cover up that he'd forgotten the words.

But as usual, the judges just LOVE him. And for the first actual score of the night, he gets a 38.

And his biggest fan, the creepy June, continues to profess her undying affection. "I've loved you from the moment I first saw you. There's a fire and it continues to burn."

AND IT BURNS IN MY LADY PARTS.

Alright, Jimmy Jumpers, can we PLEASE eliminate someone now?

Yes we can. And lil' Lara Doobie is going home.

THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES. BFF'S 4-EVER! YOU GUYS ROCK!

Before sending her off, we check in with the judges for some final words of wisdom. And Jaime brings up, yet again, the fact that Lara called him a booger 2 weeks ago.

GET OVER IT, PINKERTON.

I can't say that I'm surprised. But I am a little shocked that Chloe has made it to the final 3. I guess you can never underestimate the love that America has for a good trainwreck. Way to crazy your way into our hearts, Chlo!

I LEFT MY LUCKY ROCK IN THE TEEPEE. I'M SO EFFED.

For her second song, she'll be singing Sheryl Crow's "The First Cut Is the Deepest."

Last week, the judges criticized Chloe for always insisting on sitting on the floor during her performances. So this week, I guess her solution to this problem was to sit instead on a giant throne.

ODDLY ENOUGH, I BROUGHT THIS IN FROM HOME

The judges gave her a total of 32 points and seemed pleased that she offered her most normal, melodic performance yet.

And then we're down to the final two...and they are quite the surprising pair. Everyone predicted the final three would be Crosby, Jesse, and Lucy. But now it appears one of the favorites is headed home.

YOUR BELLY BUTTON LOOKS NICE TONIGHT. SO DOES YOURS.

And big surprise- it's Lucy! Ah well, you were talented and cool, but that's no match for Chloe's lovable insanity.

Lucy yells out her last words. "To my fans, I'll see you at my concerts...and if you were going to vote for me, vote for Jesse Blaze Snider instead!"

I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL, CROSBY LOGGINS

Right after pledging her loyalty to Jesse, she walks off the stage and up to Crosby, who let's out a barely audible "ouch."

Awkward.

JUST HUG ME OR PEOPLE WILL KNOW YOU'RE NOT REALLY NICE

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Posted in Rock the Cradle by HollywoodSucker at 12:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
Last Comment: oneillmahoney on May 8, 2008 02:38 PM.