We've had a whole week to recover from the non-stop excitement of last week's premiere episode, and now Rock The Cradle is back. And this week, one of these young lovelies will get a serious dose of rejection from someone other than their famous 'rents.
Who will it be? You don't find out until the very very end. So get comfortable and make yourselves a stiff drink. It's gonna be a long ride.
Before launching into the performances, we're given a little peek at what goes on behind the scenes, when the cast is forced to interact.
WHERE AM I?
It's just what I wanted! Chloe is flipping out, crying about what a meanie judge Larry Rudolph (aka Small Tan Lawyer) was to her. How dare he criticize her flawless and not at all crazy performance.
And then there's Jesse Snider, who apparently doesn't play well with others. But I guess he doesn't have to because he's a "rock star." He's supposed to be "tough" and "incorrigible."
I TOUCHED THAT BITCH
Here, he's showing Lucy what he thinks of her untouchable position on the show. Oh, Jesse, you're going to be the obnoxious one, aren't you?
All of this magnificent crying and confrontation taking place in just one little after party is proof that the format of this show is all wrong and that it would be far more entertaining to toss these crazy kids into one tiny room and leave them to deal with one another's neuroses and self esteem issues through a series of drunken shouting matches and make out sessions.
But alas, they sing. And they sing some more. On with the show!
I'M ONLY WEARING TWO LAYERS THIS WEEK
Host Ryan Devlin, or Toodles LaPlum (I'll try to think of 4 new nicknames for him during this recap), gets the party started by directing our attention to the VIP area, where all of the contestants' families are supposed to be watching proudly.
TWO DRINK MINIMUM
Except this week, the only rocker 'rents to show up were: Bobby Brown, Al B. Sure, Dee Snider and Hammer. Hard to believe these guys didn't have anything better to do, huh?
Then at last, after approximately 45 minutes of banter and clips from last week's episode, it's time for elimination. Bring it on!
But this ain't just any old elimination. In a move that is equally agonizing for the contestants and the viewers, Rock The Cradle has elected to call on one contestant at time, have Scooter Baggins pretend they are about to be sent home, and then reveal that actually they are safe! Haha! Gotcha!
Oh how clever. And by clever, I mean groan-worthy.
The first man up is Jesse Blaze Snider.
I didn't think he could possibly look more ridiculous than last week, but then I guess I never thought anyone had the gall to bust out the mohawk/vest-without-shirt combo. Well played, Jesse Blaze. Well played.
Before he sings, we are treated to a video in which he and his parents go shopping for an outfit for this week's performance.
LADIES?
Apparently Mom Snider is dissatisfied with his choice in pants. Not because they are terrible (and they are terrible), but because they don't sufficiently hug his package. He explains, "Sometimes my mom likes me in fewer clothes than I'm comfortable with...and it makes me uncomfortable." Yeah, I see what you mean. Now we're all uncomfortable. I hope you're happy.
Jesse and his mohawk (or wad of hair gel piled on top of his head) take to the stage to sing "Rebel Yell" by Billy Idol. This week was "Parents' Choice" and Dee Snider picked this song because he used to play it backstage before going out to perform with his own band, Twisted Sister. Good to know even Dee found his music completely inconsequential.
DUDE, SERIOUSLY, GET YOUR HAND OFF MY SHOULDER
All of the judges were impressed with Jesse and awarded him 8.5's, 9s, and a 10 from stylist/judge June Ambrose, who yelled out "You were born in leather diapers!"
GOOD JOKE, JUNE
The next contestant to be pretend eliminated with the ol' one-two punch was Lara Johnston. Last week she sang an Avril Lavigne song and the judges weren't impressed. But fortunately the voting public was kind and so she gets to hang out with the gang for another week. Lucky her!
ARE THE KIDS STILL DOING HIGH-FIVES THESE DAYS?
In fact, it looks like there are a lot of good things happening for little Lara. Why, just this week she got into NYU, Columbia and Berkley. But, wisely, Lara has decided to put off her college education to pursue her promising music career. There's no way that decision will blow up in her face.
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Comments (9)
I actually like Jesse because he's the only semi entertaining thing on this trainwreck of a "talent" show.
Also, what the fuck is wrong with Chloe's face? She reminds me of that freaky lady who had all the plastic surgery to look like a cat. And those lips are just beyond ridiculous.
1 of 9 | Posted by blueaspic | Posted on April 12, 2008 4:11 PM
Am I nuts, or was one of Lucy's friends at the beach Alli Simms?
2 of 9 | Posted by natural redhead | Posted on April 12, 2008 4:56 PM
As per usual, I loved Lucy Walsh's performance.
And was Al B. Sure trying to set up his kid for failure?
He chose a gorgeous song, but my God...the notes Maxwell sings are so difficult to hit.
3 of 9 | Posted by ElliotJ | Posted on April 12, 2008 5:40 PM
omg hollywoodsucker.
captain slapster? scooter baggins? you friggin made my week you glorious sonofabitch.
i'm going to read all your recaps shirtless from now on. bravo.
i was trying to figure out a mainstream doobies song that would clue in the kidlets and lend a point of reference...but they're all just out of reach of uber recognizable. china grove? listen to the music? what a fool believes? ask your parents. michael mcdonald is probably under your bed as we speak.
4 of 9 | Posted by k37744 | Posted on April 12, 2008 6:39 PM
Watching this show was a chance to revisit all my old favorite reality shows has-beens. (wow, what a redundancy.) Paul Merkovich, the band leader for RockStar INXS was leading this band; still have a wee bit of a crush on his Dave Grohl face, even though his website says he was the bandleader for Cher for years...(Ew.)
And anyone who watched Gone Country as religiously as me cannot see Dee Snider in the same room with roommate Bobby Brown without thinking about Bobby's sleepwalking was always leading him to pee in Dee's bed. (double ew.)
5 of 9 | Posted by lagitha | Posted on April 13, 2008 11:50 AM
i can't wait for the part where crosby loggins wins.
6 of 9 | Posted by oneillmahoney | Posted on April 13, 2008 9:06 PM
Knowing the target demographic for voting, I would be shocked if Crosby wins. I don't think he's "edgy" enough, and I think he has too much integrity to pander to the screaming teen girl crowd by performing shirtless like just about every other male on the show has done. I can't believe I got sucked into watching this show because I'm sure the final result will be a disappointment to me.
7 of 9 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on April 14, 2008 2:46 AM
I'm involved with the show and think MTV did a solid job in selecting the contestants. In fact, most of them are actively touring and/or recording. What do you think of the contestants and do you think any of them have a leg up on the competition?
8 of 9 | Posted by cradlewillrock | Posted on April 14, 2008 3:44 PM
Cradlewillrock- To answer your question, I don't really care for any of the contestants. I mean, they seem like nice kids. Lucy Walsh is the best of the bunch. But other than that...
The show is marketed as "These kids may have famous parents, but they have to work just as hard to achieve fame and fortune." And that's obviously B.S. I think all of these kids have a leg up. They have famous parents. Duh. It's why they're on TV and I'm not. (And it should probably stay that way.)
But anyway, I guess the whole show is harmless fun.
AND TO EVERYONE ELSE who commented- Thanks for reading! See ya next week. Who do you think will be voted off next?
9 of 9 | Posted by hollywood sucker | Posted on April 14, 2008 4:51 PM