TVgasm Recaps

Ryan Starr brought the sex appeal to season one of American Idol. During her run in competition, she designed her own "barely-there wear" (Im soo copyrighting that), doubled as Jen from the Dark Crystal, and gave it her all as she pursued her dream to be a music superstar. Unfortunately there can only be one American Idol Winner....per season, and little Ryan Starr lost.

Never one to give up on a dream, Ryan Star has completely reinvented her look and is giving fate a second go around as she competes tonight's premier episode of ROCK STAR: SUPERNOVA on CBS.

You can find a still of Ryan's completely new look from ROCK STAR: SUPERNOVA, after the jump. I for one find her less sexy, but I can see how she'll play better in the Midwest.

Well, this is a first. I'm writing a recap sans my favorite frosty adult beverage. It's not because I've gone on the wagon, but rather that I'm still hungover from our 4th of July party. Trust me when I say just because you can drink an entire pitcher of Mai Tais by yourself doesn't mean you should. And despite EdHill's protestations to the contrary, waking up with the inside of your mouth coated with deviled eggs and rum isn't nearly as pleasant as it sounds.

Still, we're not here to read about my drinking problems. We're here to RAWK! And who better to rock our world than the biggest rocker out there... Tommy Lee. (See, I waited almost two full paragraphs before I resorted to a cheap joke about Tommy Lee's junk. And my mom said it couldn't be done...)

More Rock Star: Supernova after the jump...

Just two episodes into Rock Star: Supernova and we've already learned a valuable lesson: do not ignore Dave Navarro. If he tells you to ugly it up, you best get your bitch-ass back in the kitchen and gag down a nice tall glass of ugly juice. Or you will never stand next to Brooke's breastesses again. NEVER!

It's only too bad that tonight's loser didn't listen to TheDave. He would've saved himself the embarrassment of losing to the only person who's ever made me miss Sting.

Two weeks into Rock Star: Supernova and a few things are already becoming apparent: Dilana is clearly the frontrunner. Zayra puts the hor in horrid. And TheDave and Tommy Lee have an aversion to fashion almost as strong as Chris' aversion to melody.

After a quick recap of Matt's axing, Tommy Lee says that last week was tough; somehow he got elected to be "that guy, the hatchet guy." Just a guess, Tommy, but maybe that's because it's your band? I am glad he told us what he meant by "that guy," however. Because with Tommy Lee, "that guy" could be anything from serial killer to serial jizzer.

On this, the second results episode of Rock Star: Supernova, we learn the band actually watches footage shot in the mansion; no matter how spicy they may appear, Puerto Ricans simply cannot rock; and that all the criticism the band gives is simply meant to help the contestants become better singers, and, hopefully, better people. So please, when Gilby tells you that you suck, don't take it personally. If he really hated you, he'd call you a DONKEY!

Best of all, we also get to meet Tommy Lee's new alter ego: Hatchet Man! Yes, Hatchet Man, who chops down contestants' dreams with but a single swing of his mighty hatchet. But always with a tear in his eye, for Hatchet Man is actually the sad clown of the rock 'n roll reality circuit. The sad clown with a heart of gold. And a huge schlong.

MTV's favorite married couple who aren't named Nick and Jessica or Ozzy and Sharon have filed for divorce.

After only 3 years of StarJonesian wedded bliss, Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro have gone their separate ways. While the couple has no children, we can expect a bitter custody battle from Carmen as she tries to hold on to her Limited-edition Circularity, Pattern Pink, Smoke Ring and Darkspot, together with favourites Star Violet and Shimmermoss, luxuriously packaged with the 213 SE Eye Shadow Brush in a rectangular compact featuring Patternmaker's exclusive circle-patterned goldwork with jewel-coloured detail from MAC which she nearly lost once before during the separation from one night hubby Dennis Rodman.

Though the separation may be a surprise to some, those who watch the TVgasm Live Blogs would have heard this prediction made last week, when Katie and I live blogged the second episode of ROCKSTAR: SUPERNOVA.

Yet another reason to watch the Live Blogs!

On last night's Rockstar: Supernova, Tommy Lee being the utmost professional that he is told Storm he wants to see "more of her." Tonally, this wasn't a very Jesusy request. Storms response was a rather coded reply "Six letters...........GOOGLE." And so on the live blog, thus began our inhouse quest for nude photos of Storm. When our producer had no luck during the live broadcast, I opened it up to you, the viewer and asked for some help offering up a free TVgasm shirt to the one who can provide me with some.. eh hem..."more of her" photos. The desire for TVgasm gear is strong and less than 12 hours later of our readers, Dustin, came through and refered me to a photographer who not only took some photos of Storm, but actually has published them in a 48 page book. Read more after the jump.

To say last night's episode of Rock Star: Supernova was a bit of a letdown is a bit of an understatement. TheDave only considered a couple contestants worthy of awesomeness, Gilby didn't tell anyone they sucked and T-Lee only dropped his mic on the table one time. At least his string of tastelessly hitting on the female contestants was kept intact.

Brooke welcomes us to what she calls "the biggest and craziest rock competition on the planet." Thirteen rockers remain, all hoping to front a brand new band and get their very own hotel room to trash. Except for Dilana, who's just looking for someplace to take a shower. Meanwhile, I'm just hoping Brooke will quit using the word "rocker" so damn much. That word's been dead to me since Constantine.

As boring as this week's audition episode of Rock Star: Supernova was, I think the results night was even worse. But that's the problem with results shows like this: nothing really matters until the last five minutes. Instead, we have to sit though a bunch of limp dick innuendos and poseur posing. The least they could do is make it a 30-minute episode, instead of dragging it out to a full hour. Even better, why not make the rockers do fauxmercials for the Ford Focus, ala American Idol. How cool would it be to see Lukas and Dilana dressed up as total freaks walking the streets of Hollywood? Oh, wait...

I can only imagine what Dr. Evil would do with such a killing machine...

Wednesday means two things at the copygodd household: bath night and the elimination episode of Rock Star: Supernova. Forty-two minutes of broken dreams, shattered eardrums and swinging hatchets, courtesy of silicone knockers, some wannabe rockers and the one and only Hatchet Man. And that's just the bath!

Wanna learn how Zayra took the news of her impending doom? Then join hands and repeat after me: Mekka Lekka Hi-Mekka Hiney Ho...

All this and more will be revealed, after the jump...

Here in TVgasm's Colorado offices, things operate a little differently than what you'll find in either of our coastal offices. For one, wearing blue oxfords and khaki pants here will get you hurt. Bad. And the closest we get to a celebrity sighting is seeing Dr. James Dobson shopping for condoms (ribbed, for someone's pleasure) at the local King Soopers. (For the record, he's even assier-looking in person.)

However, when it comes to reality television, we are every bit as obsessed about - and loyal to - our favorite contestants as our bi-coastal brethren. Which is why this has been such a tumultuous week. Over at Big Brother, we've had it with the Season 6ers, and we're openly rooting for Dr. Will to win it all. Again. Meanwhile, on Rock Star: Supernova, we are now offeeshally 1346% on the Zayra bandwagon. And based on tonight's results, I'm beginning to think the world is with us. Although now that Tommy is cutting rockers with his penis, they might vote her out anyway, just to see her shoot it with a laser.

Am I just crazy, or at end of last week's episode of Rock Star: Supernova didn't the band say that this week the rockers would each be given a new Supernova tune to write lyrics for? Hold on, let me check: no, I'm not crazy. They said it. But for some strange reason, they seem to have forgotten they said it. Still, when you consider their collective partying history, I guess it's not that strange that they forgot it. At this point in their careers, we should just be glad they remember to show up for the tapings every week.

And to wear pants.

Anyway, for whatever reason, we didn't get to hear any new Supernova songs this week. Instead, we got the usual assortment of songs: some good, some bad, and some Zayra.

After six weeks, Rock Star: Supernova is finally starting to pick up some steam. The performances are getting better, the infighting's getting meaner, and Leon's getting larger. Still, it hasn't quite reached "water cooler" levels yet. So what's an unemployed Nebraska Cornhusker drummer to do if wants to drum up a little controversy for his show? (Get it? Drum up?) Well, he could release another sex tape. But really, how many people want to see Tommy Lee use his junk as a billiards cue? (Besides sg-dub, of course.) Or, he could steal a page from The Donald's book and cut two people at once. Because cutting two people at once is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!

Besides, that's just how T-Grease rolls.

Bitches.

Tonight it's a special stripped down acoustic episode of Rock Star: Supernova, complete with a string quartet. It sounds interesting, until Brooke asks if we're ready for eight rock performances like we've never seen before. Yeah, because no band on MTV: Unplugged ever used strings in their performance. I'm starting to think that maybe Brooke is drinking her own Kool-Aid.

Still, that's better than drinking TheDave's Kool-Aid, because more than likely he's spiked it with Cherry Robitussin.

This is gonna be the American Idol Rock Star: Supernova episode that everyone talks about. For anyone who hasn't seen or heard the results, steer clear of all media. People will be talking. People will be arguing. People will be pontificating. Take your spot at the water cooler early because it'll be the hottest spot this morning.

Okay, I need to simmer down. I'm acting like a publicist for Fox CBS. Truth is, tonight's episode was a classic Idol Supernova shocker. The kind that you hate to see, but you love to think back on. The kind you'll tell your children's children about when they ask what it was like to live in such exciting times. You'll pat their barcoded little heads and tell them it wasn't bad. They'll look back at you, all wide-eyed and innocent, and laugh at you for pooping your pants again. And here I thought that was just the stench of Supernova's crappiest decision ever.

This was our first night of Rock Star: Supernova without Zayra. Our first night without the possibility of vaginal pyrotechnics. Without histrionical shrieking. Or camel toe. How would the world respond? More importantly, how would the other rockers respond? Who would step forward to carry Zayra's torch? If not firing up a cooter laser, would any of them at least try lighting their farts? Or Dilana's, as decomposing flesh and gas is highly combustible. If so, my money's on Patrice. It's always the soccer moms you have to watch out for.

I don't know what it's like in the rest of the country, but even though it's still August, here at the foot of Pikes Peak you'd think it were autumn. I know this for two reasons. One, the wife and I went camping over the weekend and woke up to snow on the Peak. (And no, that doesn't mean I'm getting gray pubes.) And two, all the breweries have released their Oktoberfest beers. So tonight's recap is brought to you by the Summit Brewing Company, the Left Hand Brewing Company, and Sam Adams. Hooray beer!

Brooke welcomes us to Fan Selection Night on Rock Star: Supernova, adding that we're just two weeks away from crowning a winner. Six contestants and two weeks? What kind of math is that? That means they'll have to cut two contestants a week to make their deadline. Evs. I'm just happy to learn I only have six more episodes to recap. Hooray Brookanomics!

With just two weeks left, the pressure on the five remaining rockers of Rock Star: Supernova has never been greater; the stakes, never higher. I would say it's time for the contestants to go balls-to-the-wall, but mrs. copygodd hates that phrase, so instead I'll go with the one I made up for her to use around the office: full-tits-gonzo.

Of course, going full-tits-gonzo would seem to give a slight edge to Storm Large, since she's nothing but tits (albeit fake tits glued to the body of a teenage boy), but, to paraphrase one of the most overused sayings of 2006, tits is what tits is.

Click on the picture above to enter the live video page.

Anyway, after ten weeks of auditions and antics, zombies and hobbits, shit and shinola, it's finally time for Supernova to select the singer that will lead them straight into obscurity. Or the $2.99 bin at Wal-Mart, whichever comes first.

Now that Tommy Lee, Gilby Clarke, and Jason Newsted have selected Lukas Rossi as their hobbit-like lead singer, they now face another dilemma: what to call their band. A court order on the day of the Rock Star: Supernova finale required the guys to drop their name, Supernova. Now, with months of marketing flushed down the tubes, the guys and their little helper monkey, Lukas, need a new name. Maybe we can help out.

I'd like to suggest: Monkey Boy and the Geritol Gents, SuperOva, or The Band That No One Will Ever See.

What are your picks?