As boring as this week's audition episode of Rock Star: Supernova was, I think the results night was even worse. But that's the problem with results shows like this: nothing really matters until the last five minutes. Instead, we have to sit though a bunch of limp dick innuendos and poseur posing. The least they could do is make it a 30-minute episode, instead of dragging it out to a full hour. Even better, why not make the rockers do fauxmercials for the Ford Focus, ala American Idol. How cool would it be to see Lukas and Dilana dressed up as total freaks walking the streets of Hollywood? Oh, wait...
Brooke welcomes us to tonight's Results Show. This evening she's wearing a black t-shirt and plaid skirt, which totally dings my Catholic school girl bell. It's just too bad that whatever scenarios I can drag up from the dregs of my filthiest imagination, she's already done it. And probably right before the show started, with guitar god and her good friend, TheDave.
Right off the bat, Brooke gives us another reminder of how the show really is popular, no matter what the ratings say. In fact, we've already doubled the amount of votes we had received by this time last year. And last night was our highest tally yet, because of what's at stake: fronting one of the most exciting rock bands to come along in years: Da Band.
"And then the bastard told me to cough!
Before we get to the results, however, we get a recap of last night's (in)action. I'm not going to recap their recap here, as I just wrote about 2,000 words on it yesterday. But I will say that during Zayra's performance, my dog Koko let the stankiest god-awful fart I've ever smelled. And I used to live on White Castles when I was in college. Coincidence? Methinks not...
After the show, there was dramedy back at the mansion. Toby thought he had let himself down. He tried to show the band some emotion, but obviously they weren't digging his scene. He's not sure what he's going to do next time. He's just bummed he didn't think of the potential impact performing that song might have on what the band thinks of him. Dude, you picked a song by Soul Asylum. Seriously, you have no one to blame but yourself. Well, you and the guys in Soul Asylum for writing such a piece of crap to begin with.
"Beauty is the albatross which hangs around my neck."
Dana's upset about the Celine Dion comment Tommy made. Of course, she's blaming it on the song she had to sing. "Give me Alanis Morissette, give me Pat Benatar, give me something I can really dig into." She can't understand why the band thinks she's so popstar-ish. After all, she was arm-pumping, she was stomping, she was in people's faces. Is her makeup too pretty? What is it? Come on guys, you can tell me. Dilana has the answer: Dana sucks. Actually, she says Dana needs to "live the lyric." To "become the song." God, I hope she has to sing "Pop That P*ssy" by 2 Live Crew. "You've been doing this sexy walk thing every show now. You need to get down and freakin' open your legs and stop worrying about being beautiful." Sure, that's easy for Dilana to say. She hasn't worried about her looks since her heart stopped beating lo those many centuries ago.
Hey, it's time for some shameless product promotion on Rockstar, courtesy of Verizon V Cast. The rockers get to watch their performance on a teeny tiny V Cast phone. I'm sure they'll be able to pick up a lot of the nuances of their performances by seeing it on a two-inch screen and listening to it over a telephone speaker. Of course, when it comes to watching Zayra, that's not such a bad idea...
While Ryan, Toby and Lukas are watching Dana's performance. Ryan says Dana's good, but she shouldn't be on this show. Exactly. Although that comment might have more weight were it not coming from someone who also shouldn't be on this show.
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Comments (9)
Oh how I loved the Stryper reference. I dare one of these "Rockers" to sing To Hell With the Devil...
1 of 9 | Posted by jenny10girl
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Posted on July 20, 2006 11:35 AM
It's funny that Dana tries to "rock it up" by singing a Sass Jordan song. Sass, a Canadian '80s hit, is one of the judges on Canadian Idol.
2 of 9 | Posted by digitalhit
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Posted on July 20, 2006 1:09 PM
Zayra must go. There can be no peace while she lives
Dilana is not a zombie (much as you personally might like her to be) - she is the offspring of Gowron from Star Trek. Or maybe she is the zombie offspring of Gowron, nNot that there is ANYTHING wrong with that.
3 of 9 | Posted by Wink Dinkerson
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Posted on July 20, 2006 1:09 PM
cg -
I like reading your recaps - I especially look forward to finding the movie references:
"Chump don't want no help, chump don't get no help." Airplane
"Braaaaaaiiinnnnnsssss!" Night of the Living Dead
Makes me re-stack my Netflix queue.
Oh - and I am still on the Dilana bandwagon. I am afraid NOT to be.
hb
4 of 9 | Posted by HoneyBunny
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Posted on July 20, 2006 3:38 PM
One more movie reference:
"That's all I have to say about that." - Forest Gump
5 of 9 | Posted by qbmom
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Posted on July 20, 2006 4:45 PM
the "brains" line is actually from "return of the living dead," a zombedy that came out long after "night." i believe that was the first time a zombie ever talked in a mainstream zombie flick.
in romero's zombieverse, the zombies don't talk. nor do they run fast, as they did in the zack snyder "dotd" remake.
and yes, i realize i know way too much about zombies. please don't think any less of me.
6 of 9 | Posted by copygodd
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Posted on July 21, 2006 8:29 AM
What the hell kinda picture is that of The Dave??? Dumb? I think more like Dumbass!
7 of 9 | Posted by BaskEtcAse
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Posted on July 21, 2006 8:45 AM
They should have ED'd Dana, Jenny and Zayra all at once. Screw ratings. Just do it the Trump way. It was bad enough the first ouster was the Duran Duran fan instead of the guy that can NOT sing.
Plus, Tommy Lee is disgusting. We're talking about hiring a bandmate, man. Not a new girlfriend. Do these people know nothing about what sex and romance does to bands?
8 of 9 | Posted by Lady J
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Posted on July 21, 2006 9:18 AM
Dilana is the obvious talent here. She makes each song her own, and her poise is astounding.
Why aren't the judges making more of her? I think they're looking for another little boy they can push around, as they did for NXS.
9 of 9 | Posted by Loo
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Posted on July 26, 2006 8:56 AM