Brooke welcomes us to tonight's episode, dressed like a reject from Pregnant Referees Gone Wild. The skull and crossbones belt buckle is a nice touch, though. She says that tonight's show will separate the great from the truly amazing. The living from the dead. The humans from the hobbits.

"We are in the final stretch of Rock Star," she tells us. After a few quick introductions, Brooke gets right down to business, rubbing our face in the fact that Ryan was prematurely sent home last week. The crowd is still upset about it, and lets her know with a smattering of boos and one lone gasoline-fueled self-immolation. Geez, even the crowd for this show is full of poseurs.

Brooke says we don't need to worry about Ryan, however, because as of right now, he has the Top Three music downloads on msn.com. Wow, who knew msn had a download site?

Brooke warns us that next week is Rock Star's "massive" finale. That means the rockers are thinking and rethinking their every move. For example, Dilana has "adapted" ten more black cats from local animal shelters, Lukas has shaved his toes and Storm is starving herself for another round of nude photos for the Internets.

Before we get to tonight's performances, though, it's time for some mansionanigans... After last week's show, Dilana was still upset about her first time in the bottom three, and her horrible elimination-night performance. She says she forgot all the lyrics, which would explain her weird aria in the in the middle of the song. That, or she was channeling Shibigoth of the Seventh Realm again. She thinks it was the worst performance of her life, and she's not proud of it. Obviously, she's forgetting about this.

The next day, the rockers get to attend a songwriting clinic with Gilby. Lukas makes sure to mention how they rolled into Gibson in their new Hondas. While I'm sure both companies are delighted to have a hobbit as their celebrity endorser, they'd probably have preferred either Frodo or Samwise pimping their shit.

At Gibson, each rocker gets to work one-on-one with Gilby on an original song. He really likes what Toby puts together, but is disappointed in Lukas's lack of preparation. His harshest criticism, however, is saved for Dilana. Sounds like someone's got himself a brand new a +12 Repel Demon Attack spell.

Since Dilana knows Gilby thinks she has the weakest songwriting kung-fu, you'd think she'd at least try to earn some suck-ass points by writing a song about Chopper, Gilby's dog. Of course, you'd be wrong. Instead, she writes a fun little ditty about much she hates the Internet fans. In her words, it was "basically a 'fuck you' kind of song." I don't know how they do things in South Africa, my undead songstress, but here in 'merica, we don't piss off the people who sign our checks. It's called "don't shit where you eat." Or as Senator Ted Stevens, (R) AK, would say, "don't upset the people at the other end of that big series of tubes."

Still, she does get a few points for not writing an ode to the BTK Killer.

It's song selection time. This week, in addition to the five songs on the board, there's also a letter to the rockers. That letter? Q. Actually, it says the rockers will get to do their own set this week, with one of the five songs on the board, and one original piece. At first, everyone's happy about the chance to do an original, until Dilana points out that Zayra, Ryan and Patrice all did originals, and they're all gone. Someone get her a pint of O-negative, stat! Dilana's a real buzzkill when she hasn't fed.

| Next Page...  1  |  2  |  3  ( Comments ) | Discuss In Our Forums Posted by copygodd on September 7, 2006 9:23 PM