Here in TVgasm's Colorado offices, things operate a little differently than what you'll find in either of our coastal offices. For one, wearing blue oxfords and khaki pants here will get you hurt. Bad. And the closest we get to a celebrity sighting is seeing Dr. James Dobson shopping for condoms (ribbed, for someone's pleasure) at the local King Soopers. (For the record, he's even assier-looking in person.)
However, when it comes to reality television, we are every bit as obsessed about - and loyal to - our favorite contestants as our bi-coastal brethren. Which is why this has been such a tumultuous week. Over at Big Brother, we've had it with the Season 6ers, and we're openly rooting for Dr. Will to win it all. Again. Meanwhile, on Rock Star: Supernova, we are now offeeshally 1346% on the Zayra bandwagon. And based on tonight's results, I'm beginning to think the world is with us. Although now that Tommy is cutting rockers with his penis, they might vote her out anyway, just to see her shoot it with a laser.
Okay, I'll admit I haven't changed my mind about Zayra's talent. Or complete lack thereof. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Helen Keller could out-sing this chica. But there's no way in hell Helen Keller could give me material like this...
Or this...
Or even this...
Primarily because she's a better dresser. But also because Zayra has that certain "jene se qua" usually only found in riders of the short bus. How the Special Olympics let her get away is beyond me.
But enough about Zayra. It's time to bring out Brooke, who tells us the prize our rockers are chasing is the biggest in rock music: Tommy's peepee. (I love it when Brooke talks dirty.) Actually, it's the chance to sing for the "epic" new band, Supernova, who'll be cutting their first - and no doubt only - album later this year, to be followed by their first - and no doubt only - worldwide tour.
After introducing the band, Brooke says hello to her "partner in crime through all the music and mayhem, and one of the greatest guitar players alive, Mr. Dave Navarro." Man, she has totally given up on calling him her good friend. What do you bet TheDave left skidmarks one too many times while wearing her underwear? That, or she found out the true story behind this.
Before we get to the good stuff, though, we have to sit through the obligatory recap of last night's show. So, while that's going on, I think I'll get another beer.
And we're back... In the mansion last night, Magni makes a toast to their best show so far. He doesn't know how they're going to top it, except next week Lukas might actually remember his lyrics. Ooh, MagniSnap! You know, for a guy who just found out he missed his kid's first steps, Magni seems pretty feisty tonight. Maybe a little too feisty, if you know what I mean. (And I hope you do, because I have no idea what the hell I was talking about just then.)
Lukas admits he forgot "all the lyrics and the verses" to his song. Ryan tries to cheer him up, saying he's been there and knows what Lukas is going through. "Every other time you've performed, you've brought everything," he tells Lukas. "Tonight was the first time it was awkward. And you know what? It was totally AWESOME!" Okay, he didn't say that last part, but he did tell us later that Lukas lost a little bit of his swagger. And he seemed happy when he said it.
Lukas feels he belongs in the bottom three this week. "The one song that sounds like Supernova I have to screw up," he says. "Stupid." Considering the song he screwed up was "Celebrity Skin" by Hole, does that mean Supernova is going for a Courtney Love vibe? Who knew Supernova=Crack Whore?
In case you were wondering, yes he does kiss his mother with that mouth.
Back to live action... TheDave tells Lukas that he's been killing it in this competition so far. So what the hell happened last night? Lukas says he's only human, and last night was just his turn to screw up. But he's going to take it like a hobbit. And he swears on the calloused feet of Bilbo Baggins that it won't happen again. Besides, if he ends up in the bottom three tonight, he knows he's good enough to get himself out of it. Barring that, he'll slip on the One Ring and disappear from sight. Because all trickster hobbitses know the Hatchet Man cannot cut what the Hatchet Man cannot see!
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Comments (20)
Didn't Gilby make some comment during last week's humpfest (paraphrasing here) that Anne Wilson didn't have to resort to that sort of behavior?
So Jill saves herself from the Tommy-hawk by sucking up to Gilby and doing a Heart song. Something tells me there is a lot more sucking than singing goin' on here....
1 of 20 | Posted by msCCRN
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Posted on August 3, 2006 9:22 AM
I don't know about everyone else but Patrice sucks!! I didn't like her performance with Tommy Hawk-AT ALL! I think she and Dana should have gone home last night!
2 of 20 | Posted by shmoo977
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Posted on August 3, 2006 9:39 AM
I agree, shmoo977, Patrice really doesn't bring anything interesting to her performances and isn't a great singer either. But I'm glad Dana went home, watching her Punk Rawk Barbie act was very very painful. Actually, now that I think about it, she's more of a Cabbage Patch doll.
Oh, and thanks for commenting on the tattoo, copygodd, I thought it looked fake (or maybe just terrible) too.
3 of 20 | Posted by Samboomba
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Posted on August 3, 2006 10:41 AM
" we are now offeeshally 1346% on the Zayra bandwagon"...
Nooooooo cg - no bandwagon...it's merely the temporary side effects of seeing too much vajayjay beamage from the Z-Screecher.
I blame you for this Double L!
hb
4 of 20 | Posted by HoneyBunny
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Posted on August 3, 2006 11:36 AM
I can't help but wonder--is the Zayra bandwagon a product of finding her amusing or out of a desire to see this show and the "band" get stuck with her for longer?
5 of 20 | Posted by AbbyAnn
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Posted on August 3, 2006 1:19 PM
Jill can rock it. I'm amazed how she keeps coming back, despite the many Bibles that Gilby's thrown at her head. When he said Dana's sucking-up was "mature," I just about puked.
The women on this show are in an impossible position. (If old Gilby could have his way, that would be missionary.) Damned if they're hot and damned if they're not. It *is* painful to watch.
I don't see this band as able to work with any talented woman. Somebody's gonna have to prep the boys better, or the Ancient Ones'll be left with nothin'. But then, again, that's just what they're lookin' for, somebody to fit in.
6 of 20 | Posted by Loo
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Posted on August 3, 2006 1:39 PM
the zayra love stems purely from my own personal laziness.
it's way easier to photoshop a cooch laser than it is to come up with new material twice a week. ;-)
7 of 20 | Posted by copygodd
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Posted on August 3, 2006 2:01 PM
"jene se qua"
It's so cute that you attempted a little French!
8 of 20 | Posted by Tabby Lavalamp
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Posted on August 3, 2006 4:40 PM
I am NOT, nor will I ever be on the Zayra bandwagon! In fact, Zayra is bad for my health b/c not only do I have to drink wine to get through her performance, I have to drink more to accept her still being on this show. Damn you Double L!
9 of 20 | Posted by zoobabe
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Posted on August 3, 2006 7:08 PM
I thought it was kind of awkward how Patrice put her arm around Zayra in some sort of show of sisterhood before Brooke announced who the last person in the Bottom 3 was. Then when Patrice's name was said, Zayra just strutted away and didn't look sorry for Patrice at all!
As for Patrice's performance last night, I couldn't follow the song at all. Does it even have a tune? It just sounded like she was singing random notes to me.
10 of 20 | Posted by goodAg
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Posted on August 3, 2006 8:06 PM
I have to say that I think Jill is nastyshizzz. From the beginning I've said that she is the Pamela Anderson of the competition (nasty blond, with big boobs that Tommy Lee would like). She completely oversang the Heart song, just as she has oversung all of her songs, and the band should have kicked her ass out of there. Why couldn't they hear her screaming last night like they did when she sang Hole (or any other song) before? She sucks (and has no concept of head voice) and needs to go...now.
11 of 20 | Posted by erinkg
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Posted on August 4, 2006 2:33 AM
(evil laughter) Welcome to the darkside Copygodd.
I'm just saying Zayra is entertaining. She brings a unique and original performance every single week and you NEVER see it coming. You're just in awe every single week. And isn't that what entertainment is all about?
12 of 20 | Posted by Double L
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Posted on August 4, 2006 4:26 AM
Jeff Buckley was an amazing performer--as was his pops, Tim Buckley. I didn't catch even a whisper of the original in Patrice's performance. For those of you unfamiliar with the Buckleys, do a little research; download a few riffs. Each was powerful in his own way, both died waaay too young and both left way too many dedictated fans out here...
13 of 20 | Posted by Bobbie
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Posted on August 4, 2006 10:23 AM
Without Tommy Lee's energetic goofiness, this group of judges would be a complete snore.
I agree. The show is painful to watch. Who wants to rock with antiques?
14 of 20 | Posted by TimGunnSucks
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Posted on August 4, 2006 4:28 PM
I have to admit, Miss Z is a kick to me (sorry Zoobabe!) I do think she is raiding the thedave's closet. Is she the next William Hung?
I'm glad Jill will be around another week to intimidate Gilby with her girl power grind. Not to say she's great, but I did think she was way better than the other 2. Patrice can sing, and Dana was good on one of those countless Nirvana songs, but both were attrocious for this round. I don't think Patrice will have enough star power to last, and Dana, girl, you call that a tattoo--look around, maybe you should have pierced something and joined Dilana's cult. Oh well, perhaps she'll go home and torture her baby dolls with sharpies and knives.
It'll be interesting to see what any of these rawkers can do with that tepid supernova music. that TLee (ala Pdiddy) was offended when last weeks castoff dissed the music . . . hmmm. I say, "Run, people, Run!"
Does anyone see a frontrunner here? From the start, I thought Dilana (whose been failed by the dark lord--so good!) was the one for it, but it seems most of you think the grrrls are doomed.
I'm still not sure I even like this show, but I f'in love coming here for these excellent recaps and snarky blogs!!!!!
Once again, you've all made my slow day a hoot!
15 of 20 | Posted by juddfan
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Posted on August 4, 2006 4:52 PM
You don't have to apologize to me juddfan. i still love you anyway.:)
Plus (as mentioned) seeing her try and sing is always a reason to drink wine, and I really like wine.
16 of 20 | Posted by zoobabe
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Posted on August 4, 2006 6:56 PM
jill can hump me NE time. now would B nice.
17 of 20 | Posted by RockitGuy
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Posted on August 5, 2006 8:17 AM
"How the Special Olympics let her get away is beyond me."
Pretty tacky, CG, even for Gasm.
18 of 20 | Posted by Mehitabel
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Posted on August 7, 2006 12:59 PM
Thanks, Zoobabe! I'm a fan of the grapes myself, so I'll be toasting you while I rawk with the rawkers.
and if LQ was watching this, I'd surely take a hit off the crack pipe too!
19 of 20 | Posted by juddfan
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Posted on August 7, 2006 4:34 PM
just "pretty" tacky? i'll have to try harder next time... ;-)
20 of 20 | Posted by copygodd
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Posted on August 7, 2006 4:40 PM