Boy, it has been a long and strange eight weeks, hasn't it? Never in life did I think I would have the opportunity to see so many walking doormat salon owners, poorly skilled colorists, badly-hygiened cutters and downright stupid support staff. We've seen just about every kind of managenent style, too... starting with the Micro- Variety (Kwanna at Circle Ten) to the Cheap Variety (Vile Mikey at De Cielo) to the Porno Variety (Martino at Giovanni & Pileggio) to the Slutty Variety (Josephine at Images) to the Spoiled Bratty Variety (Tara & Kristin at Tika) to the Absent Variety (Tami at The Loft) and winding up at the Victim Variety (Kathy at HairLab)... but whether you identify with an MV, a CV, a PV, an SV, an SBV, an AV or a V², there's still one management style that has not been featured on this show...

...the Totally Insane Nutjob Variety...

This is Candolyn. She gives scary blowjobface. I don't live anywhere near her, but I just got up and locked my doors all the same. I urge all of you Angeleno Gasmii to do this, too, because on tonight's final episode of Salon Takeover With Tabatha, we are going to see and hear way more about Miss CandyLand than anyone is comfortable with. Oh, and she cries. A lot. Like, all the time. She's probably still crying right now as I type this. Bring a poncho and join me after the jump, K?

Posted by J-Mo at 9:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

There's at least one in every workplace. We've all been stuck at a desk or in a cube near her at some point. She's the gal who wears the ill-fitting too-tight tops and low-rise capris (with thong undies) and doesn't seem to understand that at a certain point spaghetti straps stop looking sexy and start looking painful. She smokes like a chimney, drinks like a fish and loudly swears like a sailor (and sometimes farts like a grandpa... gleefully and with lusty abandon). She shares too many intimate details about herself (such as her diarrhea, yeast infections and the dreaded "heavy flow days") and often has loud fights on the phone with her mother/sister/kids/boyfriend/husband/somebodyelse'sboyfriendorhusband. She's always artlessly hitting on anything with a penis (which especially annoys her gay co-workers) and sees nothing wrong with telling you everything you're doing wrong in your life, but refuses to listen when you try to enlighten her that flossing and brushing could counteract her death-breath. In short, she's rude, crude and lewd...

...and she's met her match...

In tonight's episode of Salon Takeover With Tabatha we are treated to not only Nasty Girl being Put In Her Place, but we'll also see a Twitchy Nervous Wreck Get Schooled and some rather Ugly Family Dynamics. Sound like fun? Well, I'm sure as hell gonna do my best for y'all after the jump...

Posted by J-Mo at 10:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Sometimes I sit in my cubicle at work and stare off into space having one of my many Lottery Fantasies... one of which involves having my own adult film production company (mercifully for you, O Beloved Gasmii, I will not go into detail about it other than to say it would feature hefty men like my boyfriend and a variety of lubricating substances). However, some of my more G-rated ideas have been along the lines of owning my own dance club (called "J-Mo's Disco Heaven") or my own restuarant (called "J-Mo's Deep-Fried-Nirvana") or my own religion (called "J-Mo-ism"... our Golden Rule would be "Do Unto Others Nicely Or You'll Get A Great Big Karmic Bitchslap"). I could conceivably make a decent go at any of these businesses because I have experience that would prepare me to run all of them... or maybe even a combination of all three... a disco restaurant church... hmmmm....

...on the other hand, while I like getting my hair colored and cut, I think I'd probably make a hysterically terrible hair salon owner, cuz I'd have no flippin' clue what I was doing whatsoever. On tonight's episode of Salon Takeover With Tabatha, we meet a woman who stupidly forged ahead with this exact Lottery Fantasy anyhow (minus the much-needed Lottery Win as a backup cushion) and she nearly inspires Tabatha Coffey to violence! Let's make some popcorn, have some cheap wine and watch the bitchslapping together after the jump...

Posted by J-Mo at 9:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

When I was still a practicing Catholic (I say "practicing" because I never got really good at it... you know, the whole "I-go-to-church-on-Sundays-so-that-gives-me-carté-blanche-to-be-a-raging-dickwad-towards-the-rest-of-humanity-the-other-six-days-of-the-week" thing) my little sister and I co-owned a concession stand at the Bingo games on Sunday Night at Our Lady Of Perpetual Help...

...except we always called it "Our Lady Of Perpetual Hell"...

...and we sold (among other things) coffee, tea, hot chocolate, ice, candy, crackers, cookies, stale donuts, burnt hot dogs and those hard little Werther's candies that crack your teeth (but the old ladies just loved them). My little sister and I loved working there every Sunday night because it meant we would have some money for the week, and it made us feel terribly grown up to be running our own little business (even though we made horribly strong coffee and we never cleaned the Hamilton Beach Toastee-Mate that we cooked our hot-dogs in, so it would catch fire about every third week and nearly burn the place down) and it taught us both how to talk (and gossip with) all the catty and loopy old ladies who played there (it's how I found out the head priest had the serious hots for my nubile 17-year-old jailbait ass, which made me feel a lot better about turning down his constant invitations to go swimming at the rectory). We never took our good fortune for granted, it was a fun little job and we didn't come home smelling like a giant french fry (we did, however, come home smelling like a giant Benson & Hedges Deluxe Ultra Light Menthol 100). On tonight's episode of Salon Takeover With Tabatha, we are introduced to a pair of similar bitches who have good fortune smiling down on them, and all they care about is Benson & Hedges Deluxe Ultra Light Menthol 100's. I hate 'em already, and I miss my bingo gig, and I miss my cigs... *sigh* let's go smoke 'em if you got 'em after the jump!...

Posted by J-Mo at 6:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

A good friend of mine who is a music composer (and his boyfriend, who is an animator) have been at the New York Television Festival this week... I got a text message from him on Saturday that said "Girl, I am fifteen feet away from Tabatha Coffey... THE one!" I immediately texted him back threatening severe puncture wounds of his chest cavity if he did not get a picture with her and send it to me in time for my recap...

...this isn't it, but this is how I'm feeling...

Alas, my threats hold very little sway from 3000 miles away... however, I wanted to include this from his blog about seeing the Bravo! Panel at the festival: "For the record, as some of my friends are fans of Tabatha: She was actually very pleasant. She did address the fact that the TV version of herself is essentially the same as herself, but that of course it's filtered through the TV and everything that comes with it." And in tonight's episode of Salon Takeover With Tabatha, that filter comes to us with a heavy heavy layer of makeup and alotta hair, because we're heading over to Long Island... and it ain't gonna be pretty... but it is gonna be dramayatic... afta the jump!

Posted by J-Mo at 9:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)

After only two episodes of this show, I have fallen deeper in love with Tabatha Coffey than I already was before! What is it about searing criticism delivered with a foreign accent that makes it so much more palatable? I don't know, but I, for one, find it incredibly fascinating... and I think the next time I need to impart an unpopular truth to somebody, I'm going to do it in a Cockney or Australian accent. I'll probably still get decked.

...LadyTabathaTron™...

It seems as though dealing with L.A. and the California Girls (Kwanna & Vile Mikey) have made Tabatha long for the sunny shores of New Jersey, because this week she's back on her home turf and dealing with a more familiar type of airhead... the Italian Playboy.

Posted by J-Mo at 7:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Have you ever met someone who so completely and utterly and pointlessly pushes every single irritation, aggravation and frustration button that you have ever been wired with, mostly all at the same time, and they are amazingly able to accomplish this just by opening their mouth?...

...this is him...

You're all in for a real treat, because on tonight's episode of Salon Takeover With Tabatha we are introduced to quite possibly the most annoying thick-headedly obstinate queen you will ever see on your TV screen (with the possible exception of Senator Larry Craig) and find out that Belinda Carlisle was totally correct... heaven is a place on Earth... specifically, Burbank, California. Before the hour is through, you'll be wishing you had a chainsaw like in the last episode. Fireworks and screaming follow after the jump!

Posted by J-Mo at 11:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Welcome everyone! This is J-Mo, and I am the wacky fatboy nutjob who has been guiding the 'gasm through the bitch-infested waters of Shear Genius Season 2 these past two months, which has been extremely rewarding (and sleep-depriving). I was actually a fan of Shear Genius from the beginning, and my absolute favorite stylestant on it was the amazing Tabatha Coffey...

In case you are not familiar with Ms. Tabatha, she was the fan favorite from Season 1 of Shear Genius, and made her presence known immediately as a no-nonsense, brutally honest, fearless competitor who takes no shit from anybody (in other words, my kinda woman). She was (in my opinion) unfairly eliminated on a team challenge last season and my guess is she marched into the head offices of Bravo TV at Universal/NBC afterwards and threatened executives with anesthetic-free circumcision if they didn't either bring her back in Season 2, or give her her own spinoff show. They caved and did both, so she was a guest judge on Shear Genius and now we are blessed with Salon Takeover With Tabatha! The premise of this show being ripped off from inspired by Kitchen Nightmares with Gordon Ramsay except instead of inept and idiotic restauranteurs, it's dumbass salon owners agreeing to get ass-poked in return for Tabatha helping keep their business from going belly up. This is gonna be fun! Lots of tears! And yelling! And bitchery! And chain-saws! After the jump!

Posted by J-Mo at 1:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)