Have you ever met someone who so completely and utterly and pointlessly pushes every single irritation, aggravation and frustration button that you have ever been wired with, mostly all at the same time, and they are amazingly able to accomplish this just by opening their mouth?...
...this is him...
You're all in for a real treat, because on tonight's episode of Salon Takeover With Tabatha we are introduced to quite possibly the most annoying thick-headedly obstinate queen you will ever see on your TV screen (with the possible exception of Senator Larry Craig) and find out that Belinda Carlisle was totally correct... heaven is a place on Earth... specifically, Burbank, California. Before the hour is through, you'll be wishing you had a chainsaw like in the last episode. Fireworks and screaming follow after the jump!
We are first introduced to Michael Villalobos (but I'm dubbing him Vile Mikey), owner of De Cielo Salon & Spa in beautiful sunny Burbank, California. "De Cielo" is Spanish for "of the sky"... in this case, it would be more accurate if it translated to "silly queen with her head in the clouds". TabathaVoice™ advises us that his business is "a train running off the rails"...
..."Wow, all the blinking lights on this phone-thingy are pretty! I wish it would stop making all that noise, though..."...
Vile Mikey interviews "Before coming here I had very little experience in terms of dealing with stylists and cutting hair..." and he pauses before amending, "Zero." Wow, it's hard to see how this could possibly go wrong, so let's dig a little deeper. He continues, "Financially, I'm teeter-tottering on the verge of bankruptcy... we're a sinking ship!", and then he breaks my heart as he confesses, "I had to get rid of my Infiniti Q45 and now I drive a 1993 Honda Accord!" *gasp* My GOD in heaven! *clutches pearls* How ever do you make it through the day, sweet Michael? Just from looking at you I can tell that you are the kind of man who should be borne on a litter lined in soft pillows and strewn with rose petals, carried about by men with the bodies of earthbound gods... your delicate and precious feet should never have to touch the ground that mere mortals have trod upon...
..."Ohmigod! You totally read my mind!"...
One of Vile Mikey's male stylists (Eric) says "Michael doesn't know at all how to run a hair-salon!" (gay eye-roll) How dare he say that! Vile Mikey counters with "The staff are all basically crybabies and I'm up to here (indicates hallowed forehead) with it!"
Well, let's just see what they're 'crybabying' about, hmm? One of his other male stylists (Victor) says "He said that he cannot afford a receptionist... we lose the clients!" See, at De Cielo Salon & Spa, the stylists all have to answer the phone... while they're working on clients... with sharp objects and chemical solutions that require two-handed manipulation, and possibly a little concentration to keep from slicing someone's ear off or frying the hair right out of their scalp. Hell, at least your average Great Clips has a phone-girl! What else? "He waters down the shampoo bottles because he wants to save money!" says a cute young female stylist. WTF?!? Does that even have any financial impact at all? What else? Stylist Eric says "Every time we ask Michael for something that we need, the answer is always 'No' just because there isn't any money... and I know I'm bringing it in, but I don't know where it's going..." Well, what have you got to say to that, Vile Mikey?
He asserts "The staff complains about everything! They want everything clean, they always want clean towels... you know, just... it never ends!" ¡Ai, Mikey pobrecito! "I'm hoping that Tabatha can really get me clear on eliminating a lot of these petty problems that seem to just be getting in the way, because I don't see the income coming... I don't want to feel like I'm chasing my own tail... if Tabatha can't help us we're out of here!" Okey-dokey Vile Mikey... you know what they say... "be careful what you wish for..."...
..."...because you're about to get it with both barrells, bitch!"...
Walking up to De Cielo, our Lady T sees the Pepto-pink sidewalk sandwich board advertising for the salon and mutters "Yeah, that's tacky!"... and then almost stops dead in her tracks when she sees the tacky-ass decorations in the windows of the salon itself and says disbelievingly, "What the fuck is that?!?"...
...kitsch gone krazy...
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Comments (10)
I loved how actually showing up on time for work everyday was a foreign concept for these two buffoons. It was like watching someone go under for the third time and not really caring.
Mikey is a moron and Steven is creepy on so many levels.
Great recap as usual and I will be looking forward to your new one this week.
1 of 10 | Posted by skies | Posted on September 2, 2008 5:47 PM
So far, in those two episodes of The Salon Takeover, I learned that, owning a hair salon/spa in CA equals to , “eating canned tuna and rice and drive a 1993 Honda Accord ”..Oh boy, how those stupid people can get a business license in the first place?! lol
LOL!J-Mo, you make me laugh..Me like it! :D
I hope they saved those bricks, looks like Mikey is going to need to put them underneath the Accord, where he is going to to live in! lol..Hey, at least is 'celestial'? lol
Kisses, J-Mo! And thanks for the recap and laughs!
2 of 10 | Posted by detinha | Posted on September 2, 2008 7:16 PM
Love your recap,J-Mo! You are a funny, funny boy -- thorough too!
Oh, and are you afraid of spiders, by chance? I believe you had at least two references to spider eggs in this recap, and I think I just got a tiny peek into your nightmares, yes?
LOL Thanks for making me laugh yet again!
3 of 10 | Posted by zbird | Posted on September 2, 2008 7:33 PM
I have a friend who sold hair from her drain on eBay for over $100.
4 of 10 | Posted by Gertrude | Posted on September 2, 2008 8:45 PM
oh my beloved jmo...
can you believe tabatha didn't go apeshit when michael actually plucked her blouse? holy crap, i thought from the preview that this would be the moment tabatha was arrested for manslaughter...but no jury would convict her, would it???
what a tool...part of me wonders if he wasn't instructed to act the way he did, he was THAT BAD. but oh man. i think i want to be a tabatha bitchette even more now.
so here's my plan...we pack 2 coolers full of mount gay rum and diet coke, tequila, fresh limes, and salt shakers...load up the backseat with ridiculous staples like instyle magazine and nilla wafers...and hit the road in search of tabatha, rehearsing our bitchettes tryout number. you in??
5 of 10 | Posted by mrsdaddytom | Posted on September 2, 2008 9:50 PM
J-Mo;
I think that Tabatha should have come in the next day in a Cruella de Vil wig and outfit and kicked Vile Mikey's smarmy ass! And I am SO surprised that she didn't knee him in the nuts for touching her clothing!
I think that Mikey deserves Stephen, he just doesn't deserve to own the business. Maybe he could join in and croon "it is BALLOON" while the PopTarts toast and Stephen sits there breathing hard through his cat's ass face.
Keep up the good work and keep us laughing!
Lots O' Love
6 of 10 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on September 2, 2008 10:37 PM
ROFL!
I haven't seen it, so I'm taking your word for it, but Vile Mikey sounds like a real douche. Sadly, I'm betting more than a few of your readers have worked for someone like him at one point.
Another great recap!
7 of 10 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on September 3, 2008 10:22 AM
Tabitha is my new hero! I didn't watch Shear Genius last year but I guess it's a good thing she didn't win because she wouldn't have this show. Her comments are right on target. Some of the stuff they show in these salons is really disgusting.
8 of 10 | Posted by murphena | Posted on September 5, 2008 4:56 PM
Thanks for the awesome recap!!!! Can't believe the scene from the Sasson place, ugh!!! I'm with you J-mo, I hate when heinious people like Vile and Prune face are representing gays like us . . . yeechhh!!!
And I work in Burbank, so I'll do some research and let you know what I find . . . bwahahahahah!!!!!
9 of 10 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on September 5, 2008 5:42 PM
skies... Ha ha, yes, I agree that full-time daywork seems to be so hard for someone like Vile Mikey and SourPuss Steven to grasp... I bet both of them will be looking for roommates soon (beware Angelenos!)
detinha... you're welcome as always... and in two episodes I've also learned that unsuccessful salon owners fall into two categories... the Crier and the Denier... :)
zbird... actually, yes, I am pretty badly arachnophobic, spiders totally creep me out (even on TV) but I try never to kill them because I know they eat, like, six BILLION times their own weight in insects every day, and I hate insects even worse, so there we are. Oh, and you're welcome! :)
Gertrude... please tell me you're not the one who bought it. :)
mrsdaddytom... I'm so totally in. Vile Mikey is lucky he didn't pull back a bloody stump after he plucked at Tabatha's blouse (and I'm sorry, that blouse was NOT Cruella De Vil, it was, in a word, FABULOUS). BTW, we better pack Chee-tos, too... :)
arizonatom... It took me a while to understand the "It is BALLOON" reference, but now I remember that part from the opening credit sequence of "F-Troop". You lost me there for a minute. I'm also guessing that Vile Mikey and SourPuss Steven have pulled a total "Jo & Slade" and reunited since the show aired... lots of love back to ya! :)
fire@will... thank you, as always, and yes, I have worked for people this dopey before... :)
murphena... honey, you said a mouthful, and you're right on the money... and I'm glad we share a hero! :)
juddfan... sweetie, you absolutely positively MUST brave the dust and hair and find out if De Cielo is still operating... message me and I'll put your findings in a future recap, okay? Thanks, and kissy-smooches! xoxox
love, J-Mo :)
10 of 10 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 8, 2008 8:46 AM