Marching back into De Cielo, Tabatha calls all of the staff 'round and announces her hostile takeover (Stylist Victor interviews "Holy shit! She's really here!") and lets them all in on the secret that she and Vile Mikey have been watching them all day with the aid of an apparently invisible camera crew (cue everybody's jaw dropping like they're surprised). Lady T advises them she's cancelled all their appointments for the week, and that she's going to make major changes, again threatening that some of them may not have a job at the end of the week.
This makes me wonder why she says that, because so far it hasn't happened, but then again, we're only on the second episode... I'll be curious to see when somebody really does lose their job how that goes down... hope none of these salons are located next door to a gun shop...
Anyhow, Lady T promises to help them all get the salon back on track and dismisses them to go back to work... everybody kinda skitters back to what they were doing before, all the while giving furtive backward glances at the scary blonde lady who has ascended into their midst...
THE INSPECTION
So Vile Mikey is giving Tabatha the Grand Tour Of Heaven... the first thing she notices is a giant vase of dead flowers spilling rotting blossoms (and probably spiders) onto the front desk. She asks Vile Mikey if he's in the habit of keeping dead flowers around and asks him to go throw them out. Queen Michaela makes another brief appearance behind Vile Mikey's eyes at being asked to do manual labor...
...T-girl, do you really want to have him standing near you with a heavy vase in hand?...
...but instead he shuts it and says "Okay, very good, I'll do that..." Let's see what else is dead and rotting in De Cielo! Well, it looks like Tabatha was able to yank a Beyoncé's-worth of hair out of the sink... so much so that the drain-strainer came up with it. Vile Mikey says "See, that's a problem, they think it's part of the cleaning crew's job and..." Lady T cuts him off with "This. Is more. Than a problem. This is un-fucking-hygienic, let me tell ya!" She's waving the hair-clot back and forth like a hypnotist's charm the entire time... I think I just threw up in my mouth a little... and on the carpet a lot. Excuse me a moment...
..."Yooooouuuuu arrrre gettiiiiiing verrrrrry nauuuuuuseouuuussssss"...
Privately, Tabatha interviews "Michael needs a reality check. It is one of the the filthiest salons I've ever seen!" Tell me, girl, you preachin' to the choir! *snap* *snap* *snap*
Ohhhh, lordy, it's time for one of my absolute favorite parts of this episode as we prepare to meet a man even more odious than Vile Mikey (I know you're thinking "Is it possible?" and I'm telling you, just... wait... till... you... hear... this....)
We are treated to a shot of a sour-faced man identified as Steven, whose title is given as "Assistant Manager/Esthetician". He is on the phone with someone, with Tabatha standing right around the corner, clearly within earshot. He says to whoever is on the phone, "The owner of the shop is my Ex..." OMG, he and Vile Mikey used to date?!??!?! Well that must have been a pretty hellish home life... no wonder he has a sour face... but check this out, as he continues, "but, I'm not liking him very much right now... did you ever hear of the show called 'Shear Genius'??? You know there's this really bitchy blonde named Tabatha, and everything is happening in front of the cameras! Can you imagine?!?!"
..."What do you mean, 'Do I also think she's deaf?'"...
Lady T is incredulous as she interviews "I overheard Steven, the assistant manager, gossiping about me... and I'm standing in the salon!" Her tone turns deadly, "But I'll deal with Steven later..." because right now we are treated to what Tabatha says "has to be the most ghetto, unprofessional thing I have seen in 26 years!" What is she talking about?...
...a styling chair up on blocks instead of an old Caddy or Pontiac...
Jesus, that is pretty ghetto (and funny to hear the word "ghetto" said with an Australian accent by Tabatha)... and not in a fabulous way, either. Vile Mikey agrees with her but says "Well, I can't afford it! I mean, what do you want me to do?" T-girl swoops down and picks up one of the cinderblocks and holds it up in front of him, "These. Are. Concrete. Bricks. I've never seen anything so unprofessional in all my life! You're talking about a 'heavenly experience'?!?!?"
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Comments (10)
I loved how actually showing up on time for work everyday was a foreign concept for these two buffoons. It was like watching someone go under for the third time and not really caring.
Mikey is a moron and Steven is creepy on so many levels.
Great recap as usual and I will be looking forward to your new one this week.
1 of 10 | Posted by skies | Posted on September 2, 2008 5:47 PM
So far, in those two episodes of The Salon Takeover, I learned that, owning a hair salon/spa in CA equals to , “eating canned tuna and rice and drive a 1993 Honda Accord ”..Oh boy, how those stupid people can get a business license in the first place?! lol
LOL!J-Mo, you make me laugh..Me like it! :D
I hope they saved those bricks, looks like Mikey is going to need to put them underneath the Accord, where he is going to to live in! lol..Hey, at least is 'celestial'? lol
Kisses, J-Mo! And thanks for the recap and laughs!
2 of 10 | Posted by detinha | Posted on September 2, 2008 7:16 PM
Love your recap,J-Mo! You are a funny, funny boy -- thorough too!
Oh, and are you afraid of spiders, by chance? I believe you had at least two references to spider eggs in this recap, and I think I just got a tiny peek into your nightmares, yes?
LOL Thanks for making me laugh yet again!
3 of 10 | Posted by zbird | Posted on September 2, 2008 7:33 PM
I have a friend who sold hair from her drain on eBay for over $100.
4 of 10 | Posted by Gertrude | Posted on September 2, 2008 8:45 PM
oh my beloved jmo...
can you believe tabatha didn't go apeshit when michael actually plucked her blouse? holy crap, i thought from the preview that this would be the moment tabatha was arrested for manslaughter...but no jury would convict her, would it???
what a tool...part of me wonders if he wasn't instructed to act the way he did, he was THAT BAD. but oh man. i think i want to be a tabatha bitchette even more now.
so here's my plan...we pack 2 coolers full of mount gay rum and diet coke, tequila, fresh limes, and salt shakers...load up the backseat with ridiculous staples like instyle magazine and nilla wafers...and hit the road in search of tabatha, rehearsing our bitchettes tryout number. you in??
5 of 10 | Posted by mrsdaddytom | Posted on September 2, 2008 9:50 PM
J-Mo;
I think that Tabatha should have come in the next day in a Cruella de Vil wig and outfit and kicked Vile Mikey's smarmy ass! And I am SO surprised that she didn't knee him in the nuts for touching her clothing!
I think that Mikey deserves Stephen, he just doesn't deserve to own the business. Maybe he could join in and croon "it is BALLOON" while the PopTarts toast and Stephen sits there breathing hard through his cat's ass face.
Keep up the good work and keep us laughing!
Lots O' Love
6 of 10 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on September 2, 2008 10:37 PM
ROFL!
I haven't seen it, so I'm taking your word for it, but Vile Mikey sounds like a real douche. Sadly, I'm betting more than a few of your readers have worked for someone like him at one point.
Another great recap!
7 of 10 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on September 3, 2008 10:22 AM
Tabitha is my new hero! I didn't watch Shear Genius last year but I guess it's a good thing she didn't win because she wouldn't have this show. Her comments are right on target. Some of the stuff they show in these salons is really disgusting.
8 of 10 | Posted by murphena | Posted on September 5, 2008 4:56 PM
Thanks for the awesome recap!!!! Can't believe the scene from the Sasson place, ugh!!! I'm with you J-mo, I hate when heinious people like Vile and Prune face are representing gays like us . . . yeechhh!!!
And I work in Burbank, so I'll do some research and let you know what I find . . . bwahahahahah!!!!!
9 of 10 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on September 5, 2008 5:42 PM
skies... Ha ha, yes, I agree that full-time daywork seems to be so hard for someone like Vile Mikey and SourPuss Steven to grasp... I bet both of them will be looking for roommates soon (beware Angelenos!)
detinha... you're welcome as always... and in two episodes I've also learned that unsuccessful salon owners fall into two categories... the Crier and the Denier... :)
zbird... actually, yes, I am pretty badly arachnophobic, spiders totally creep me out (even on TV) but I try never to kill them because I know they eat, like, six BILLION times their own weight in insects every day, and I hate insects even worse, so there we are. Oh, and you're welcome! :)
Gertrude... please tell me you're not the one who bought it. :)
mrsdaddytom... I'm so totally in. Vile Mikey is lucky he didn't pull back a bloody stump after he plucked at Tabatha's blouse (and I'm sorry, that blouse was NOT Cruella De Vil, it was, in a word, FABULOUS). BTW, we better pack Chee-tos, too... :)
arizonatom... It took me a while to understand the "It is BALLOON" reference, but now I remember that part from the opening credit sequence of "F-Troop". You lost me there for a minute. I'm also guessing that Vile Mikey and SourPuss Steven have pulled a total "Jo & Slade" and reunited since the show aired... lots of love back to ya! :)
fire@will... thank you, as always, and yes, I have worked for people this dopey before... :)
murphena... honey, you said a mouthful, and you're right on the money... and I'm glad we share a hero! :)
juddfan... sweetie, you absolutely positively MUST brave the dust and hair and find out if De Cielo is still operating... message me and I'll put your findings in a future recap, okay? Thanks, and kissy-smooches! xoxox
love, J-Mo :)
10 of 10 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 8, 2008 8:46 AM