A good friend of mine who is a music composer (and his boyfriend, who is an animator) have been at the New York Television Festival this week... I got a text message from him on Saturday that said "Girl, I am fifteen feet away from Tabatha Coffey... THE one!" I immediately texted him back threatening severe puncture wounds of his chest cavity if he did not get a picture with her and send it to me in time for my recap...
...this isn't it, but this is how I'm feeling...
Alas, my threats hold very little sway from 3000 miles away... however, I wanted to include this from his blog about seeing the Bravo! Panel at the festival: "For the record, as some of my friends are fans of Tabatha: She was actually very pleasant. She did address the fact that the TV version of herself is essentially the same as herself, but that of course it's filtered through the TV and everything that comes with it." And in tonight's episode of Salon Takeover With Tabatha, that filter comes to us with a heavy heavy layer of makeup and alotta hair, because we're heading over to Long Island... and it ain't gonna be pretty... but it is gonna be dramayatic... afta the jump!
We start off tonight meeting Josephine Myers, who owns Images Salon in (what Tabatha calls) the wealthy neighborhood of Oyster Bay, NY. Right off the bat you can see that Images has a very upscale location...
...between a CVS pharmacy...
...and a "Dunkin' Donuts"...
Now, this is not to say that this wouldn't be a dream location for a fatboy like me (hell, you can get a dozen Boston Cremés on one side, and a giant bottle of TUMS on the other) but it doesn't exactly reek of politesse...
Then again, neither does Josephine... and she is having a hard time attracting affluent clients. This could be because her staff and her salon are "stuck in the 80's" (this is TabathaVoice™ informing us). And when she opens her mouth, the Lowong Oyland™ spews everywhere... "When I bowought the salowon, I haad envisioned it being a varry sessessful salowon, eeyand we wuanted to make it as upscale as it could be..."
...I'm not getting "upscale" so much as I'm getting "serving wench"...
Inbetween shots of the salon manager calling one of the stylists "cupcake" and "muffin-top", another of the stylists says "The appyearance of the salowon is so byad that peeple think that we're... low-clyass!"...
...wellllll, something sure is low around here...
Josephine continues, "The styaff is our problem heah... cer-ain people don't know how to keep theyah mouth shut." Cut to one particularly haggish stylist tossing a big "Fuck you, Joe! Did you heah me? Fuck you!" to the salon manager (whose name is Joe). Apparently a lot of things go on in the salon that really shouldn't... such as boob measuring and talk about virgins.... oh yeah, and this...
...clearly an affluent society fashionista's dream stylist...
Well, at least she'd make you feel better about yourself... by virtue of the fact that you'd be glad you're not her. The "Joe" in question is Josephine's husband. He sold his landscaping business to come manage her salon. She thought he was going to be "the stern one" and whip these hard-assed beyotches into shape. It hasn't worked out that way. He says working with Josephine is like working with Mussolini... Theah'y'go! Josephine wants Tabatha to come in and help them bring the salowon to more of an "upscale feel". She says "I wuant it to be like they wualk in an be like 'Wow! Iyt's Imiges that I'm goin' to!'" I'm thinking she just wants free publicity on Bravo and several thousand dawllahs worth of free salowon upgrades, but that's just my hard-edged Southwestern Boy Mentality... we'll see...
Tabatha strides into Images and boldly greets Josephine, saying she wants to get started as soon as possible, but first she has a little surprise for Jo-girl...
..."Is it a check fuh several thousand dawllahs and some good taste?"...
No, Jo-Jo, it's time to take the long dark journey into...
SALON UNDERCOVER
Tabatha flat-out asks Jo-Jo what she wants her to do, and the response is that she wants Lady T to motivate her staff, bring them up to a more professional level, and update the salon to "modern times". OMG, she really did pretty much just ask for a check! Well, you know how bawllsy those Lowong Oylanduhs can be! She thinks on a scale of 1 to 10, they're at about a six as far as "high-class salowons" go...
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Comments (13)
J-Mo,
I was waiting for this recap and it was def worth the wait! You're the best!
You kill me! I can't stop laughing! ROFLMAO!
"wealthy neighborhood of Oyster Bay, NY. " hmmmm...Ok, then! Why do I hear dueling banjos on the background? or is it violins? LOL
1 of 13 | Posted by detinha | Posted on September 17, 2008 10:13 AM
Egads, why don't they change the name of this show to "My Husband/ex-Lover Who Knows Nothing About Hair Quit His Job To Run This Business Into The Ground" ?
I do have to give kudos to this show, however, for showing the follow ups. On every makeover show (to which I'm addicted), you know that if the participants didn't have the fashion sense and/or business acumen to do things right in the first place, they're certainly not going to be able to follow through on their own after the cameras leave. Thanks for feeding my cynicism, Tabby!
2 of 13 | Posted by lagitha | Posted on September 17, 2008 1:32 PM
Ok J-Mo,
Where can I send the bill? Every time I remember that pic of Joe asking about the lampshade I burst out laughing, I even peed a little in my chair! EW!
Much love!
Val
**washing the chair!** lol
3 of 13 | Posted by detinha | Posted on September 17, 2008 3:04 PM
my darling j-mo,
1. love you til the end of time. you make my life. i can only aspire to be as amazing recaps as you.
2. that pic of the 3 hags looks like it should have "double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble" as a caption. talk about three witches.
3. why in the pic of jo-jo and joe does it look like joe's tiny penis is peeking up with a big black eye? just curious. ew.
4. the comment about gordon ramsay: YES. please see this week's kitchen nightmares! let's just say it's on par with images in terms of long island grossocity.
xoxoxoxoxoxox!!!!!!
:o)
4 of 13 | Posted by AuJew | Posted on September 17, 2008 5:08 PM
okay
1a) i meant as good AT recaps as you
5) that nazi thing...oh my god. could not be more offended. in case you couldn't tell by my handle or anything. beyond ridic.
5 of 13 | Posted by AuJew | Posted on September 17, 2008 5:11 PM
J-Mo;
I spewed Diet Dr. Pepper when you came up with GGTTT Hag Stacy's name. But when Boobsy talked about her 'F'-fuckin' boobs, I actually peed a little bit. I cannot believe these bitches! And Muffie! My God, what a crew. Top it all off with Big Dumb Joe and you have it all. What a complete bunch of losers - all of them. Any stylist worth anything wouldn't want to work in such a slum. I feel bad that all Tabatha's hard work was for naught, when all she is trying to do is SAVE THEIR BUSINESS! A bunch of Assclowns. Great recap, as always!
Lots O' Love
6 of 13 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on September 17, 2008 6:05 PM
Okay - I sheepishly (but in a manly man kind of way)admit that I even actually watched most of this episode... but that did not diminish the unbearable awesomeness of your recap. If anything, I am reassured of how on the money your comments are... thus sparing me from having to ever watch again.
Thanks, big J!
7 of 13 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on September 17, 2008 6:27 PM
J-Mo, you are a hoot. The accents are perfect. You got mad phonics skillz, yo.
It was pretty obvious Josephine was in this for the free publicity. But they couldn't have possibly gained business because of this? Hair business, I mean. Who wants their hair cut by a toothless crack whore? Well, if someone is unfortunate enough to get their hair cut by one, hopefully Bravo will always be there to get it all on tape.
8 of 13 | Posted by shelleyh | Posted on September 17, 2008 7:59 PM
AuJew--
"3. why in the pic of jo-jo and joe does it look like joe's tiny penis is peeking up with a big black eye? just curious. ew."
HAHAHA I think that's actually Tabatha's finger but it looks so much more hilarious now...
9 of 13 | Posted by rubinia | Posted on September 18, 2008 8:40 AM
HAHAHAHA yes it is tabatha's finger. the placement is amazing. i prefer to think of it as his teeny weenie trying to escape.
10 of 13 | Posted by AuJew | Posted on September 18, 2008 9:27 AM
Those were some scary hairdressers especially the neck tatted one. Looked like someone sewed her head back on. Reminded me of the lady in Beetlejuice with the slashed throat. I expected to see smoke coming out of neck tat's throat. Eww, nasty.
Our Tabby knew she was being scammed, that's why they got the no frills basic make-over. Lady T. knew that salon would become a dollar store soon.
Funny recap as usual. I wonder if these reality people ever read the recaps of the show. And does it make a difference to them knowing the viewers think they are morons?
11 of 13 | Posted by skies | Posted on September 21, 2008 8:53 PM
detinha... thank you, you're sweet! Sorry about the chair... that's why I often use an inflatable vinyl one at the computer, they clean up so easy!
lagitha... I KNOW, right? Where do they find these ball-less men who give up their jobs to sit and hang with the girls all day? I would think if you want to, you know, stay married that you'd want to have a separate life from one another during the day. My BF and I carpool a couple of days a week and just spending so much time in the car together we wind up fighting about being late, or why we can't stop for breakfast and Jack In The Box, or who downloaded the porn virus onto the computer at home... separate lives are important!
AuJew... that was too funny about the "Tabatha's finger/Joe's penis" picture, I did not even catch that when I captured it! Your recaps are just fine, you do a great job! Love back to you. And yes, I think people who sit there and compare slightly annoying situations to the Holocaust to be super-ignorant and offensive, too (and I'm not even Jewish, I'm a lapsed bitter Catholic who now worships the Holy Trinity of Janet Jackson, Cher and Madonna).
arizonatom... I love assclowns. They're funny. Especially when they have "'F'-fuckin' boobs". Love to you.
fire@will... I am happy for your manly-man-ness, you go! Also "unbearable awesomeness" is a compliment that I must say is cherished and I love you for that (in the platonic way and not the somewhat-illegal way) so thank you!
shelleyh... yo yo yo, word up t'ya mutha, I'ma keep bustin' the phonics if y'all got love for 'em, a'ight? I agree, I wish they would do a "12 weeks later" or "6 months later" on all of these salons at the end and see how many of them have either reverted to bad habits or are just plain out of business. Thanks for the lovin'!
rubinia... sharp eyes! I thought maybe I had caught something dirty, but you actually clarified it for me... good catch!
skies... I actually hope that some of these people read the things we write about them, not because I want to be mean and crush their self-esteem with biting wit and rapier-sharp satire, but because maybe it might be the wake-up call that they need to figure out "Hey.... I'm a giant douchebag!!!" and then lives might be saved.
Thanks for all the feedback, people, I'm hoping to bring the new episode in the next day, okay?
love, J-Mo :)
12 of 13 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 22, 2008 12:35 PM
Were the women who worked at that place rejected as hires for the Waffle House down the road? Wow, they were ROUGH!
13 of 13 | Posted by ubiquitous | Posted on September 23, 2008 10:21 AM