Stalking back into Distorted Images, Tabatha calls all the staff around. Jesus, they really DO look like a bunch of cheap whores! Between the plunging necklines, the cleavage and all the leathuh, I can't imagine anybody with a serious bank account actually staying to get their hair done (unless they're slumming for the day). Tabatha announces she is taking over, saying that Josephine asked her to fix the problems in the salon...
...this is one of 'em...
Jo-Jo interviews she was concerned that the staff weren't gonna like Tabatha, she could tell by their faces... Jo-Jo is a moron. Lowong Oylanduhs are not known for subtlety and/or nuance... it's one of the greatest things about these people, they pretty much have no self-edit button, if it comes in their head, it comes out the mouth (or at least on the face). So, yeah, Josephine, I'd say it's a safe bet they don't like Tabatha because an identical chorus of "fuck you" expressions descended the minute she opened her mouth.
Tabatha is used to dealing with Lowong Oylanduhs, too, and she pretty much nukes 'em from out the gate. "You're unprofessional, rude... your customer service is atrocious... I saw screaming across the salon today... *directed at Joe* 'Muffin-Top'!" Joe thinks it's funny and some of the staff (Muffin-Top) laugh with him.
...people who live in glass ears shouldn't throw stones at other peoples' cupcake muffin-tops...
T-girl brings up the salon running out of foils today, and Muffin-Top giggles some more. In a deadly tone, Tabatha says "And I'm glad that you find it amusing, because it's actually not." Muffie insists "No, I don't think anything's funny!" (while she's still smiling real big, like she's getting yelled at by her mom for wearing too much makeup). "Well, what do you have that smirk on your face for?" demands Ms. Coffey. Struggling to form a coherent answer, Muffie says "My smirk on this face is, uhhh, how professional this salon is when we have no help." I'm not sure what she means by this, but I'm guessing that she's blaming her looking like a used biker whore on Jo-Jo not helping them...?
...Bobby Brown wants his doo-rag back... and Ronald McDonald is about to file suit for image infringement... and you bitches call this "professional"?...
Josephine is aghast at this allegation and her classy rebuttal to this is "Aah you friggin' loyin' right now?" Muffie insists she's not, but it's hard to take anything coming out of her Bozo-fied mouth seriously. Tabatha jumps back in asking why doesn't Muffie step up and be a professional hairstylist, and start by putting some clothes on, "because you look like a bunch of fucking hillbillies!" Wellllll, I don't think hillbillies have this many teeth (or differentiated chromosomes) but I get her point. So does the staff...
...Images Of Death...
Gargantuan Gap-Toothed Tracheotomy-Tat Hag Stacey (in the middle above) says "I'm gonna have a very haad toyime having huh teach me... because I don't like to be spoken to like I'm a dowag!" Sssss, now that's an unfortunate choice of words, Arfy!
Addressing Miss Boobiliciousness, Lady T says "You look like you should be on a street-corner, not in a hairdressing salon. It's not appropriate." Turning to Muffin-Top, she spits "Your attire is atrocious as well... your stomach's hanging out... you've got a doo-rag on your head... and it looks ridiculous." In her Marlboro Light 100's voice, Muffie sassily says "Whaddayou suggest tomawrrow how we dress?" Quick as a whip, T retorts, "Well first of all, your body parts covered... it's not a club." Miss Boobiliciousness goes for the whiny excuse...
...I love how her tits are so unfuckingstoppable they even overpower the closed captioning...
Tabatha's response? "That sounds like a personal problem." Oh, but Boobsy insists it isn't, she says "It's the way I choose ta dress, just like you choose ta dress like that, and covah up because you have no tits, I like to show awff what I have!" Oh my GAWD, she did not just insult Tabatha's chest, did she? (And actually, Tabatha agreed with her and said "No, I don't!" when Boobsy said she had no breasts) One of the other stylists is whispering "Oh my God!" and hiding behind Gargantuan Gap-Toothed Tracheotomy-Tat Hag Stacey. Boobsy continues, "I have 'F'-fuckin' boobs! They will not go in a nowamul shirt! And honestly... I don't give a shit what you think!"
...this shit is gettin' good...
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Comments (13)
J-Mo,
I was waiting for this recap and it was def worth the wait! You're the best!
You kill me! I can't stop laughing! ROFLMAO!
"wealthy neighborhood of Oyster Bay, NY. " hmmmm...Ok, then! Why do I hear dueling banjos on the background? or is it violins? LOL
1 of 13 | Posted by detinha | Posted on September 17, 2008 10:13 AM
Egads, why don't they change the name of this show to "My Husband/ex-Lover Who Knows Nothing About Hair Quit His Job To Run This Business Into The Ground" ?
I do have to give kudos to this show, however, for showing the follow ups. On every makeover show (to which I'm addicted), you know that if the participants didn't have the fashion sense and/or business acumen to do things right in the first place, they're certainly not going to be able to follow through on their own after the cameras leave. Thanks for feeding my cynicism, Tabby!
2 of 13 | Posted by lagitha | Posted on September 17, 2008 1:32 PM
Ok J-Mo,
Where can I send the bill? Every time I remember that pic of Joe asking about the lampshade I burst out laughing, I even peed a little in my chair! EW!
Much love!
Val
**washing the chair!** lol
3 of 13 | Posted by detinha | Posted on September 17, 2008 3:04 PM
my darling j-mo,
1. love you til the end of time. you make my life. i can only aspire to be as amazing recaps as you.
2. that pic of the 3 hags looks like it should have "double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble" as a caption. talk about three witches.
3. why in the pic of jo-jo and joe does it look like joe's tiny penis is peeking up with a big black eye? just curious. ew.
4. the comment about gordon ramsay: YES. please see this week's kitchen nightmares! let's just say it's on par with images in terms of long island grossocity.
xoxoxoxoxoxox!!!!!!
:o)
4 of 13 | Posted by AuJew | Posted on September 17, 2008 5:08 PM
okay
1a) i meant as good AT recaps as you
5) that nazi thing...oh my god. could not be more offended. in case you couldn't tell by my handle or anything. beyond ridic.
5 of 13 | Posted by AuJew | Posted on September 17, 2008 5:11 PM
J-Mo;
I spewed Diet Dr. Pepper when you came up with GGTTT Hag Stacy's name. But when Boobsy talked about her 'F'-fuckin' boobs, I actually peed a little bit. I cannot believe these bitches! And Muffie! My God, what a crew. Top it all off with Big Dumb Joe and you have it all. What a complete bunch of losers - all of them. Any stylist worth anything wouldn't want to work in such a slum. I feel bad that all Tabatha's hard work was for naught, when all she is trying to do is SAVE THEIR BUSINESS! A bunch of Assclowns. Great recap, as always!
Lots O' Love
6 of 13 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on September 17, 2008 6:05 PM
Okay - I sheepishly (but in a manly man kind of way)admit that I even actually watched most of this episode... but that did not diminish the unbearable awesomeness of your recap. If anything, I am reassured of how on the money your comments are... thus sparing me from having to ever watch again.
Thanks, big J!
7 of 13 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on September 17, 2008 6:27 PM
J-Mo, you are a hoot. The accents are perfect. You got mad phonics skillz, yo.
It was pretty obvious Josephine was in this for the free publicity. But they couldn't have possibly gained business because of this? Hair business, I mean. Who wants their hair cut by a toothless crack whore? Well, if someone is unfortunate enough to get their hair cut by one, hopefully Bravo will always be there to get it all on tape.
8 of 13 | Posted by shelleyh | Posted on September 17, 2008 7:59 PM
AuJew--
"3. why in the pic of jo-jo and joe does it look like joe's tiny penis is peeking up with a big black eye? just curious. ew."
HAHAHA I think that's actually Tabatha's finger but it looks so much more hilarious now...
9 of 13 | Posted by rubinia | Posted on September 18, 2008 8:40 AM
HAHAHAHA yes it is tabatha's finger. the placement is amazing. i prefer to think of it as his teeny weenie trying to escape.
10 of 13 | Posted by AuJew | Posted on September 18, 2008 9:27 AM
Those were some scary hairdressers especially the neck tatted one. Looked like someone sewed her head back on. Reminded me of the lady in Beetlejuice with the slashed throat. I expected to see smoke coming out of neck tat's throat. Eww, nasty.
Our Tabby knew she was being scammed, that's why they got the no frills basic make-over. Lady T. knew that salon would become a dollar store soon.
Funny recap as usual. I wonder if these reality people ever read the recaps of the show. And does it make a difference to them knowing the viewers think they are morons?
11 of 13 | Posted by skies | Posted on September 21, 2008 8:53 PM
detinha... thank you, you're sweet! Sorry about the chair... that's why I often use an inflatable vinyl one at the computer, they clean up so easy!
lagitha... I KNOW, right? Where do they find these ball-less men who give up their jobs to sit and hang with the girls all day? I would think if you want to, you know, stay married that you'd want to have a separate life from one another during the day. My BF and I carpool a couple of days a week and just spending so much time in the car together we wind up fighting about being late, or why we can't stop for breakfast and Jack In The Box, or who downloaded the porn virus onto the computer at home... separate lives are important!
AuJew... that was too funny about the "Tabatha's finger/Joe's penis" picture, I did not even catch that when I captured it! Your recaps are just fine, you do a great job! Love back to you. And yes, I think people who sit there and compare slightly annoying situations to the Holocaust to be super-ignorant and offensive, too (and I'm not even Jewish, I'm a lapsed bitter Catholic who now worships the Holy Trinity of Janet Jackson, Cher and Madonna).
arizonatom... I love assclowns. They're funny. Especially when they have "'F'-fuckin' boobs". Love to you.
fire@will... I am happy for your manly-man-ness, you go! Also "unbearable awesomeness" is a compliment that I must say is cherished and I love you for that (in the platonic way and not the somewhat-illegal way) so thank you!
shelleyh... yo yo yo, word up t'ya mutha, I'ma keep bustin' the phonics if y'all got love for 'em, a'ight? I agree, I wish they would do a "12 weeks later" or "6 months later" on all of these salons at the end and see how many of them have either reverted to bad habits or are just plain out of business. Thanks for the lovin'!
rubinia... sharp eyes! I thought maybe I had caught something dirty, but you actually clarified it for me... good catch!
skies... I actually hope that some of these people read the things we write about them, not because I want to be mean and crush their self-esteem with biting wit and rapier-sharp satire, but because maybe it might be the wake-up call that they need to figure out "Hey.... I'm a giant douchebag!!!" and then lives might be saved.
Thanks for all the feedback, people, I'm hoping to bring the new episode in the next day, okay?
love, J-Mo :)
12 of 13 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 22, 2008 12:35 PM
Were the women who worked at that place rejected as hires for the Waffle House down the road? Wow, they were ROUGH!
13 of 13 | Posted by ubiquitous | Posted on September 23, 2008 10:21 AM