Boobsy is doing coloring, and apparently her foil technique is just a tiny bit atrocious. Tabatha asks if she can please show her a better method to where the expanding lightener won't be directed like a shotgun to the client's scalp, and while Boobsy looks like she'd rather be told how to cover her massive melons with pesky fabric, she does stand aside and let Tabatha show her the smarter technique. See, Boobsy? This is called "learning"... and it can be really cool and make everybody better at what they do.... the best part is, "learning" doesn't make your boobs any smaller...
Oh my, here we go, Tabatha has finally come around to Gargantuan Gap-Toothed Tracheotomy-Tat Hag Stacey. She asks her where her cutting comb is. Stacey says that she's been using her same My Little Pony Purple Comb for twenty years. Tabatha fires back that professional hairdressers use professional cutting combs. Stacey huffs over to her station and takes out a new comb and starts back in on her client again. "And that's not a cutting comb, either!" snaps Tabatha, "Do you know what a cutting comb is?" Stacey insists she does. "Well good, why don't you find one and use it?" Stacey interviews, "I don't appreciate the way she's treating awl of us..."
..."And by 'awl of us', I mostly just mean 'me'..."...
"...and her snapping her comb... it doesn't really make you comfortable!" she finishes. I think if Tabatha didn't continue beating her palm with her comb, she'd probably use it to go after your faces, Arfy... you people seem to irritate her that much, and this woman works in Jersey...
Well, the butchery is over with, it's time for the bitchery... Looking at G.G.T.T.T. Hag Stacey's client's hair-don't, she says "Kinda looks like the 80's, doesn't it?" That's all it takes for Hagella to go owoff... "I don't like how youah treating anybody heah, I really don't! Youah not treating us like a human being, first of awl, and I feel like you're an awrmy soldier, and I feel like I entuhed a concentration keeyamp! I don't like the comb-snapping thing, I don't know what that's awl about... youah heah t'help us, not make us look like fuckin' spectacles!"
...and speaking of spectacles...
Throughout all of this diatribe Tabatha has remained calm and quiet, and the poor client has been sitting there looking like she wishes a distortion in the time-space continuum would suddenly open up and suck Stacey into some alternate reality where scary neck tats are actually considered sexy (or at least non-nauseating). But now she's firing back, "You're making yourself look like a fucking spectacle, I'm not doing anything." G.G.T.T.T. Hag Stacey isn't gonna stand for that, she's pulling off her day-glo-pink apron like she's done, but Tabatha isn't through yet. "If you did what you were supposed to do, which is your job, you wouldn't have foils in here that have bled, you would have an even, consistent color... I mean, how's this nice bleed-stripe right here?" Oh dear, she's not kidding, there is an ugly reddish-orangeish-yellow stripe on a big chunk of the client's head, that looks totally wrong...
...maybe she can tell everyone she's gone "80's punk" for Halloween... or just warn them to stay away from "Images"...
G.G.T.T.T. Hag Stacey's response to this? "I covahed them up!" Great, so she's used to attempting to hide her mistakes? Are y'all catching this stuff, Oyster Bay? Especially you affluent high-class ladies? Arfy is in full Crazy-Bitch-Mode™ now as she starts screaming "I don't have a concentration keeyamp s-s-s-setting, and I don't have a drill sargeant in front of me! I have a bowoss an' I have a manager, but not a drill sargeant!"
Tabatha cuts it to the bone. "You don't want any help." Hagella insists "Yes, I do, but I wuanna be treated like a human being, and y'know what? Youah the worst creature of 'em awl!!! Youah not treatin' ANYBODY like a human being! With your snapping of the comb... it's like I feel like I'm gonna be turned into a lampshade heah!" And with that bit of wackness, she storms out! I got the feeling this was actually a new level of crazy for her, especially when you get a look at Joe's face...
..."What is she tawkin' about bein' turned into a lampshade fowah?"...
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Comments (13)
J-Mo,
I was waiting for this recap and it was def worth the wait! You're the best!
You kill me! I can't stop laughing! ROFLMAO!
"wealthy neighborhood of Oyster Bay, NY. " hmmmm...Ok, then! Why do I hear dueling banjos on the background? or is it violins? LOL
1 of 13 | Posted by detinha | Posted on September 17, 2008 10:13 AM
Egads, why don't they change the name of this show to "My Husband/ex-Lover Who Knows Nothing About Hair Quit His Job To Run This Business Into The Ground" ?
I do have to give kudos to this show, however, for showing the follow ups. On every makeover show (to which I'm addicted), you know that if the participants didn't have the fashion sense and/or business acumen to do things right in the first place, they're certainly not going to be able to follow through on their own after the cameras leave. Thanks for feeding my cynicism, Tabby!
2 of 13 | Posted by lagitha | Posted on September 17, 2008 1:32 PM
Ok J-Mo,
Where can I send the bill? Every time I remember that pic of Joe asking about the lampshade I burst out laughing, I even peed a little in my chair! EW!
Much love!
Val
**washing the chair!** lol
3 of 13 | Posted by detinha | Posted on September 17, 2008 3:04 PM
my darling j-mo,
1. love you til the end of time. you make my life. i can only aspire to be as amazing recaps as you.
2. that pic of the 3 hags looks like it should have "double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble" as a caption. talk about three witches.
3. why in the pic of jo-jo and joe does it look like joe's tiny penis is peeking up with a big black eye? just curious. ew.
4. the comment about gordon ramsay: YES. please see this week's kitchen nightmares! let's just say it's on par with images in terms of long island grossocity.
xoxoxoxoxoxox!!!!!!
:o)
4 of 13 | Posted by AuJew | Posted on September 17, 2008 5:08 PM
okay
1a) i meant as good AT recaps as you
5) that nazi thing...oh my god. could not be more offended. in case you couldn't tell by my handle or anything. beyond ridic.
5 of 13 | Posted by AuJew | Posted on September 17, 2008 5:11 PM
J-Mo;
I spewed Diet Dr. Pepper when you came up with GGTTT Hag Stacy's name. But when Boobsy talked about her 'F'-fuckin' boobs, I actually peed a little bit. I cannot believe these bitches! And Muffie! My God, what a crew. Top it all off with Big Dumb Joe and you have it all. What a complete bunch of losers - all of them. Any stylist worth anything wouldn't want to work in such a slum. I feel bad that all Tabatha's hard work was for naught, when all she is trying to do is SAVE THEIR BUSINESS! A bunch of Assclowns. Great recap, as always!
Lots O' Love
6 of 13 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on September 17, 2008 6:05 PM
Okay - I sheepishly (but in a manly man kind of way)admit that I even actually watched most of this episode... but that did not diminish the unbearable awesomeness of your recap. If anything, I am reassured of how on the money your comments are... thus sparing me from having to ever watch again.
Thanks, big J!
7 of 13 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on September 17, 2008 6:27 PM
J-Mo, you are a hoot. The accents are perfect. You got mad phonics skillz, yo.
It was pretty obvious Josephine was in this for the free publicity. But they couldn't have possibly gained business because of this? Hair business, I mean. Who wants their hair cut by a toothless crack whore? Well, if someone is unfortunate enough to get their hair cut by one, hopefully Bravo will always be there to get it all on tape.
8 of 13 | Posted by shelleyh | Posted on September 17, 2008 7:59 PM
AuJew--
"3. why in the pic of jo-jo and joe does it look like joe's tiny penis is peeking up with a big black eye? just curious. ew."
HAHAHA I think that's actually Tabatha's finger but it looks so much more hilarious now...
9 of 13 | Posted by rubinia | Posted on September 18, 2008 8:40 AM
HAHAHAHA yes it is tabatha's finger. the placement is amazing. i prefer to think of it as his teeny weenie trying to escape.
10 of 13 | Posted by AuJew | Posted on September 18, 2008 9:27 AM
Those were some scary hairdressers especially the neck tatted one. Looked like someone sewed her head back on. Reminded me of the lady in Beetlejuice with the slashed throat. I expected to see smoke coming out of neck tat's throat. Eww, nasty.
Our Tabby knew she was being scammed, that's why they got the no frills basic make-over. Lady T. knew that salon would become a dollar store soon.
Funny recap as usual. I wonder if these reality people ever read the recaps of the show. And does it make a difference to them knowing the viewers think they are morons?
11 of 13 | Posted by skies | Posted on September 21, 2008 8:53 PM
detinha... thank you, you're sweet! Sorry about the chair... that's why I often use an inflatable vinyl one at the computer, they clean up so easy!
lagitha... I KNOW, right? Where do they find these ball-less men who give up their jobs to sit and hang with the girls all day? I would think if you want to, you know, stay married that you'd want to have a separate life from one another during the day. My BF and I carpool a couple of days a week and just spending so much time in the car together we wind up fighting about being late, or why we can't stop for breakfast and Jack In The Box, or who downloaded the porn virus onto the computer at home... separate lives are important!
AuJew... that was too funny about the "Tabatha's finger/Joe's penis" picture, I did not even catch that when I captured it! Your recaps are just fine, you do a great job! Love back to you. And yes, I think people who sit there and compare slightly annoying situations to the Holocaust to be super-ignorant and offensive, too (and I'm not even Jewish, I'm a lapsed bitter Catholic who now worships the Holy Trinity of Janet Jackson, Cher and Madonna).
arizonatom... I love assclowns. They're funny. Especially when they have "'F'-fuckin' boobs". Love to you.
fire@will... I am happy for your manly-man-ness, you go! Also "unbearable awesomeness" is a compliment that I must say is cherished and I love you for that (in the platonic way and not the somewhat-illegal way) so thank you!
shelleyh... yo yo yo, word up t'ya mutha, I'ma keep bustin' the phonics if y'all got love for 'em, a'ight? I agree, I wish they would do a "12 weeks later" or "6 months later" on all of these salons at the end and see how many of them have either reverted to bad habits or are just plain out of business. Thanks for the lovin'!
rubinia... sharp eyes! I thought maybe I had caught something dirty, but you actually clarified it for me... good catch!
skies... I actually hope that some of these people read the things we write about them, not because I want to be mean and crush their self-esteem with biting wit and rapier-sharp satire, but because maybe it might be the wake-up call that they need to figure out "Hey.... I'm a giant douchebag!!!" and then lives might be saved.
Thanks for all the feedback, people, I'm hoping to bring the new episode in the next day, okay?
love, J-Mo :)
12 of 13 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 22, 2008 12:35 PM
Were the women who worked at that place rejected as hires for the Waffle House down the road? Wow, they were ROUGH!
13 of 13 | Posted by ubiquitous | Posted on September 23, 2008 10:21 AM