When I was still a practicing Catholic (I say "practicing" because I never got really good at it... you know, the whole "I-go-to-church-on-Sundays-so-that-gives-me-carté-blanche-to-be-a-raging-dickwad-towards-the-rest-of-humanity-the-other-six-days-of-the-week" thing) my little sister and I co-owned a concession stand at the Bingo games on Sunday Night at Our Lady Of Perpetual Help...
...except we always called it "Our Lady Of Perpetual Hell"...
...and we sold (among other things) coffee, tea, hot chocolate, ice, candy, crackers, cookies, stale donuts, burnt hot dogs and those hard little Werther's candies that crack your teeth (but the old ladies just loved them). My little sister and I loved working there every Sunday night because it meant we would have some money for the week, and it made us feel terribly grown up to be running our own little business (even though we made horribly strong coffee and we never cleaned the Hamilton Beach Toastee-Mate that we cooked our hot-dogs in, so it would catch fire about every third week and nearly burn the place down) and it taught us both how to talk (and gossip with) all the catty and loopy old ladies who played there (it's how I found out the head priest had the serious hots for my nubile 17-year-old jailbait ass, which made me feel a lot better about turning down his constant invitations to go swimming at the rectory). We never took our good fortune for granted, it was a fun little job and we didn't come home smelling like a giant french fry (we did, however, come home smelling like a giant Benson & Hedges Deluxe Ultra Light Menthol 100). On tonight's episode of Salon Takeover With Tabatha, we are introduced to a pair of similar bitches who have good fortune smiling down on them, and all they care about is Benson & Hedges Deluxe Ultra Light Menthol 100's. I hate 'em already, and I miss my bingo gig, and I miss my cigs... *sigh* let's go smoke 'em if you got 'em after the jump!...
Tonight's show begins in a different part of Lowong Oylund (Rockville Centre) and we are introduced to Ralph Aktrui who has been a successful hairdresser and salon owner for longer than I've been alive (and I ain't sayin' how old I am, but that's at least 40 years). Then, juuuust as he was about to retire, he went and blew it all by using his life savings to buy Salon Tika for his daughters...
...because these two felt dear ol' dad would like some more debt...
But now it gets really sad, because Ralph has developed Multiple Sclerosis, and the Gruesome Twosome have had to step up and run the salon before they're really ready to. Kristin interviews "We didn't think it was gonna be this much work, and we owe so much money... well my parents owe so much money... breaking even is just not an option anymore." Ralph makes the sitch even more dire as he admits "If the business fails I would lose my house."
It seems Tara and Kristin have problems controlling their staff because they "love their girls so much" that they admit that they're "too lenient". Cut to a blonde skank saying "If I was anywhere else, I prolly would've gotten fired!"...
...yup, fired like a smoke in a ho's mouf...
Tara says they've lost control of "everything, everyone, our finances... and everything's snowballing in a downward spiral, you don't know where to begin!" Ralph says in desperation, "My girls are running the salon like a sorority, and I need Tabatha here!"
Okay, wait a minute. It's really sad that he has a debilitating disease like MS and all that, but since when do you abdicate raising/disciplining your kids to a total (bitchy, yet admittedly fabulous) stranger? I mean, if my mom had been financing me and my sister's bingo stand with a loan on her house, and we were just pissing it all away and eating Werther's like they were candy, and she came to us and said "Kids, you have to stop trying to burn the church down with your dirty hot-dog oven and make some better coffee... or I'm going to lose the house!" we would totally have pulled together to make more bingo money (and I probably would have gone "swimming" at the parish rectory and let that dirty old man touch me if I could've scored a check for a couple of hundred bucks to help bail us out). These are the things you do for family... unless you're Lyle or Erik Menendez...
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Comments (8)
Fabulous recap again J-Mo. You never fail to make me laugh at my computer screen in the middle of the office (it's okay, they all just think I'm insane...wait, that's not okay, hmmm, maybe I should do work).
There's something about a show where someone yells at idiots that attracts me. Then you add someone (you) making sarcastic comments about said show and it's like a confluence of hilarity.
I gotta say though, there's something in me that just wants people like this to fail. They just seem to plain stupid to be successful at anything. Of course I'm also a mean, cold, jerkass (not a doctor though).
1 of 8 | Posted by DrJerkass | Posted on September 25, 2008 4:41 AM
j-mo!
i love it. looove it. p.s. thanks for plugging me twice and linking to my recap!
i still wish ralphie was my daddy. esp after seeing your screengrabs. jealous of tabbs a lil in the kissyface one. and is it wrong that "I'll tell you how to fix that, Daddy Ralphie. Get a taser" was a bit of turn on for me???
as always, you have all of my love. and "OMG, what in Jeebus' name is a "Brazilian relaxer"? Is that like getting your pubes straightened? Ew." BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA LOVE IT!!!! i was thinking the exact same thing. just sounds so terribly, terribly wrong.
p.s. if lovin' your nubile jailbait ass is wrong, i don't wanna be right. although i'm younger than you. and a woman. and not a priest. meh.
p.p.s. oprah still sucks. *MWAH* hahahahahaHAAHAHAAAA
2 of 8 | Posted by AuJew | Posted on September 25, 2008 7:52 AM
Great recap (of course).
I ended up liking most of these people and I wanted them to be a success.
You are right to point out that hair care is a career that can't be outsourced to India! And I've worked in all those (horrible) environments you named that can be. (Thanks for the nightmares!)
I agree about so many kids growing up without a sense of where money comes from. I think they should just have the basics unless they are willing to work to earn more. No matter how much thier parents have. (But, I guess we'll always have Paris!)
3 of 8 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on September 25, 2008 11:03 AM
OMG, that screencap of Lauren puking in her mouth was hilarious! Great recap as always!
4 of 8 | Posted by rubinia | Posted on September 25, 2008 11:36 AM
Hi Darling J-Mo,
I think you should write an etiquette book in your own indominitable style.
Love your recap,
Yenta
5 of 8 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on September 25, 2008 1:38 PM
ROFLMAO @ "...hey, she does kinda look like Nicolize Theigl!..."
Thanks J-M0, you're the bestest!
**Mwah**
Val
6 of 8 | Posted by detinha | Posted on September 25, 2008 8:38 PM
J-Mo;
Great job as always! I just can't believe those two skanks were so stupid and selfish before "T" showed up. Spoiled ________ (fill in favorite name here). Keep up the good work.
Lots O' Love
7 of 8 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on September 27, 2008 8:18 AM
DrJerkAss... awww, shucks, thank you (and hey, thanks for coming to my aid over on that other thread the other day, wasn't that weird?) you're peaches in my book! Oh, and yes, I agree with you, sometimes privileged people work my last nerve, too, especially when they don't appreciate it like the Gruesome Twosome...
AuJew... no problem, I think we should all be building each other's work up, y'know? Can I say, though, that I would not be surprised in the LEAST to find out that you might enjoy electrical shock in an erotic sense? Oprah would not approve, but fuck her.
fire@will... LOL, sorry about the work nightmares, but I've done time in all those industries as well, and often longed for some kind of talent in cosmetics that would afford me a casually fabulous lifestyle complete with drinking lattés and whizzing around town in a sporty red convertible with the top down and my long luxurious blonde hair blowing in the wind, ready to assist with any kind of hairdressing emergency that may crop up (like, say, StylistMan™!) Alas, those dreams will never come true, and hell, these Medicare D claims ain't gonna just process themselves, y'know, so I plug away at the things I can do and vent my frustrations on these poor people who have foolishly agreed to appear on a reality TV show for our collective amusement. You're quite kind as always, though...
rubinia... Honey, that was too funny, and I wish I could take credit for it as a screencap, but actually it was a still shot from BravoTV[dot]com... but that was the first thing that popped into my head when I saw it (and that's what I usually go with when I write recaps and captions) so I'm glad you enjoyed it, too!
yenta-honey... the love is mutual... maybe I will try to put out "J-Mo's Etiquette For Specific Social Situations" later on this year, although many would probably find me to be in violation of many of my own imagined rules, so I dunno how well it would go over... but you're sweet for the suggestion!
detinha... LOL, thanks... honestly, I really couldn't tell who that picture was supposed to be! Can anyone help me out with that? I feel disconnected from pop culture when I can't identify someone I feel I should know, y'know?
arizonatom... thank you for the love, you're sweet as always...
I promise I'm working on the new episode of Salon Takeover, I should hopefully have it finished by tonight or tomorrow... thanks as always for all your comments, you guys always give me such warm fuzzy love...
love, J-Mo :)
8 of 8 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 30, 2008 10:28 AM