Kristin says "That was actually one day after work the girls got wine..." Apparently they were drinking it in the salon after hours while Tara & Kristin were next door (at a bar?). Who leaves employees alone getting drunk in their business after hours? Don't they understand that that's when the old "Hey, let's photocopy our bare asses!' or "Hey, let's switch all the labels on the hair colorings!" or "Hey, let's light the back door of the salon on fire!" kind of ideas are hatched. Dumbasses.
How nice that they have a covered plate of cookies and Rice-Kripsy treats and such out for the customers to nosh on while they're sitting and being ignored in favor of Virginia Slims Hour! Except nobody seems to know how long they've been there (that would not be a problem in my office... when you work with a bunch of fat bitches, there's never a leftover treat at the end of the day... I make good and goddamn sure of it!) and even under direct examination from Tara & Kristin, all they're getting back are a bunch of blank stares. Tabatha also notes there are no beverages, no coffee, no tea, no bottled water... and worst of all... no Diet Dr. Pepper! ((**screeching violins**))
Wellllll, now that the initial butt-probing is over with, Lady T dismisses the sullen staffers and bids them return on the morrow at 9 of the clock. Kristin says that Tabatha just ripped them and their salon to shreds and "if she's gonna be like that, then I don't want her here!" Poor baby, I guess she'd prefer to be mollycoddled until the IRS chains the doors on Salon Tika? Where do they get these people?!? Outside, Tabatha says that the girls just don't seem to have any interest in turning things around for the better, but that she's going to turn it around for Ralph. I dunno, maybe these girls hate their father...
The next morning, Lady T sits down with Ralph, Tara and Kristin to find out the deets on how these people could be so infuckingcompetent. When she asks him how deep in the hole he is, and he says "About half a million." my jaw dropped, and since I don't like looking like a mouthbreather I put a cookie in there to close it up. I noticed that Tara and Kristin don't really have much of a reaction to that number...
..."Meh, it's only money, they're just zeroes, whatsamassa?"...
When Tabatha asks for a state of the business finances, Kristin says they're just breaking even, and not really being able to pay back any of the loans to their dad (prolly because they don't really want to have to pay him back). When Tabby asks what their retail percentage is, Kristin answers "Forty to sixty percent." HUH?!??! What in the name of Madonna? Either they are pushing an awful lot of product (like 40 bottles per customer) or their hair product line is insanely expensive (like $400 per 10oz. bottle) or they get very, very, very few clients!
Tabatha knows this to as she retorts "Absolutely impossible!" and Daddy Ralph says "I think you're mis-figuring that." Well, it's not really Kristin's fault, because she blames Dad and says in an uncertain voice, "Wellllll, that's how you told me how to figure it out." Lady T says "You don't even know how to figure it, do you?" This makes Kristin maaaaad, as she interviews "I'm not an accountant, how do I know? I can't be expected to know every number!" True, especially when you consider that there are infinite numbers of numbers, so by design you couldn't possibly ever "know" them all... but that's not really the hot issue here. How about you learn the figures that are important to your business? And maybe invest $21.95 in Accounting For DumBimboes, hm?
...clearly, numbers have been cruel to Kristin in the past...
And with that she just quickly and maturely shuts down. Tabatha asks what their retention rate is? "I dunno." How many clients do they do in a week? "I really dunno." What have they done to market themselves? "I dunno." What is the square root of pi? "I dunno." (I threw that last one in myself)
« Dancing with the Stars: The Most Ungangly Carnage Since Cloverfield 3 | Main | Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: Spreading Drama and Disease »
Comments (8)
Fabulous recap again J-Mo. You never fail to make me laugh at my computer screen in the middle of the office (it's okay, they all just think I'm insane...wait, that's not okay, hmmm, maybe I should do work).
There's something about a show where someone yells at idiots that attracts me. Then you add someone (you) making sarcastic comments about said show and it's like a confluence of hilarity.
I gotta say though, there's something in me that just wants people like this to fail. They just seem to plain stupid to be successful at anything. Of course I'm also a mean, cold, jerkass (not a doctor though).
1 of 8 | Posted by DrJerkass | Posted on September 25, 2008 4:41 AM
j-mo!
i love it. looove it. p.s. thanks for plugging me twice and linking to my recap!
i still wish ralphie was my daddy. esp after seeing your screengrabs. jealous of tabbs a lil in the kissyface one. and is it wrong that "I'll tell you how to fix that, Daddy Ralphie. Get a taser" was a bit of turn on for me???
as always, you have all of my love. and "OMG, what in Jeebus' name is a "Brazilian relaxer"? Is that like getting your pubes straightened? Ew." BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA LOVE IT!!!! i was thinking the exact same thing. just sounds so terribly, terribly wrong.
p.s. if lovin' your nubile jailbait ass is wrong, i don't wanna be right. although i'm younger than you. and a woman. and not a priest. meh.
p.p.s. oprah still sucks. *MWAH* hahahahahaHAAHAHAAAA
2 of 8 | Posted by AuJew | Posted on September 25, 2008 7:52 AM
Great recap (of course).
I ended up liking most of these people and I wanted them to be a success.
You are right to point out that hair care is a career that can't be outsourced to India! And I've worked in all those (horrible) environments you named that can be. (Thanks for the nightmares!)
I agree about so many kids growing up without a sense of where money comes from. I think they should just have the basics unless they are willing to work to earn more. No matter how much thier parents have. (But, I guess we'll always have Paris!)
3 of 8 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on September 25, 2008 11:03 AM
OMG, that screencap of Lauren puking in her mouth was hilarious! Great recap as always!
4 of 8 | Posted by rubinia | Posted on September 25, 2008 11:36 AM
Hi Darling J-Mo,
I think you should write an etiquette book in your own indominitable style.
Love your recap,
Yenta
5 of 8 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on September 25, 2008 1:38 PM
ROFLMAO @ "...hey, she does kinda look like Nicolize Theigl!..."
Thanks J-M0, you're the bestest!
**Mwah**
Val
6 of 8 | Posted by detinha | Posted on September 25, 2008 8:38 PM
J-Mo;
Great job as always! I just can't believe those two skanks were so stupid and selfish before "T" showed up. Spoiled ________ (fill in favorite name here). Keep up the good work.
Lots O' Love
7 of 8 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on September 27, 2008 8:18 AM
DrJerkAss... awww, shucks, thank you (and hey, thanks for coming to my aid over on that other thread the other day, wasn't that weird?) you're peaches in my book! Oh, and yes, I agree with you, sometimes privileged people work my last nerve, too, especially when they don't appreciate it like the Gruesome Twosome...
AuJew... no problem, I think we should all be building each other's work up, y'know? Can I say, though, that I would not be surprised in the LEAST to find out that you might enjoy electrical shock in an erotic sense? Oprah would not approve, but fuck her.
fire@will... LOL, sorry about the work nightmares, but I've done time in all those industries as well, and often longed for some kind of talent in cosmetics that would afford me a casually fabulous lifestyle complete with drinking lattés and whizzing around town in a sporty red convertible with the top down and my long luxurious blonde hair blowing in the wind, ready to assist with any kind of hairdressing emergency that may crop up (like, say, StylistMan™!) Alas, those dreams will never come true, and hell, these Medicare D claims ain't gonna just process themselves, y'know, so I plug away at the things I can do and vent my frustrations on these poor people who have foolishly agreed to appear on a reality TV show for our collective amusement. You're quite kind as always, though...
rubinia... Honey, that was too funny, and I wish I could take credit for it as a screencap, but actually it was a still shot from BravoTV[dot]com... but that was the first thing that popped into my head when I saw it (and that's what I usually go with when I write recaps and captions) so I'm glad you enjoyed it, too!
yenta-honey... the love is mutual... maybe I will try to put out "J-Mo's Etiquette For Specific Social Situations" later on this year, although many would probably find me to be in violation of many of my own imagined rules, so I dunno how well it would go over... but you're sweet for the suggestion!
detinha... LOL, thanks... honestly, I really couldn't tell who that picture was supposed to be! Can anyone help me out with that? I feel disconnected from pop culture when I can't identify someone I feel I should know, y'know?
arizonatom... thank you for the love, you're sweet as always...
I promise I'm working on the new episode of Salon Takeover, I should hopefully have it finished by tonight or tomorrow... thanks as always for all your comments, you guys always give me such warm fuzzy love...
love, J-Mo :)
8 of 8 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 30, 2008 10:28 AM