Oh my, then Blonde "I'd Be Fired Anywhere Else" Zilla says "We have problems finding a good receptionist... we've been through 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 of them in the last three years!" The look on current Bitchceptionist™ Katie's face is awesome...
...Sounds like they think you're part of the problem, sweetheart...
Lady T points out that they have the fabulous Katie there now, and it turns out she's only been there for 2 weeks! Miss Tabby goes right for the jugular, "And how do you think you did yesterday?" K-T whines "Um, I feel like I did the best that I could with the circumstances... I could have definitely done better?" T-Bo pretty much agrees, "You could do a lot better... clients should be offered beverages!"...
Blonde "I'd Be Fired Anywhere Else" Zilla unwisely decides to jump back in with "Did you see me give out three waters and a cookie to a little girl?" Tabatha looks irritated and snaps, "What would you like me to do, get a medal for you?"...
..."Wellll... yeah!"...
Blondie (whose name is actually Lauren) privately says, "I think Tabatha is rude, of course, obviously, I'm sure everybody will say that!" Miz Coffey is continuing, "Would you like me to sit there and go 'You know, you guys are great and you're all so pretty....'"
...oooh, I think somebody really likes this kind of girl-talk...
...except suddenly Tabatha's voice hardens as she finishes, "'...and you know, maybe you should think about getting a client a fucking glass of water!' I'm not being rude, it's called being direct!" Oh Tabatha, I wuv you! She wants to know why the stylists don't listen to Tara and Kristin and do what they tell them to do. Stylist Emily helpfully steps up and says that "Everyone pretty much does what they're supposed to do in here... yes, people come in late, which is, you know, completely unprofessional..."
Lady T stops her right there with "Who comes in late?" Emily is rendered both open-mouthed and speechless. "Raise your hand if you're a late person coming to work..." commands Miz Coffey... and about 3/4ths of them raise their hands! "In my salon, you come in late, you go home!" she says. Clearly Tara and Kristin need to implement some basic rules, like #1) Show up for work on time.
Just as they're about to adjourn, Lauren "I'd Be Fired Anywhere Else" Blondezilla raises her hand and says "I have a question... what is our cigarette schedule?" Tabatha is aghast and says "Excuse me?!?" Lauren, not understanding that Tabatha's interrogatory was strictly rhetorical and did not require an actual answer, nonetheless forges ahead and repeats "I said, what is our cigarette schedule?"...
...the only smoking you're gonna do, honey, is when you catch fire from her smoldering glare...
Lady T spits "You don't need a schedule to do that, you need common sense!" In interview, T-girl says "Here's a smoking schedule for you... FUCK OFF!" Oh, how I wish she had said that out loud to Lauren, it would have been soooooo juicy!!!
Well, it's that time again... Tabatha is going to evaluate the skillz of the stylistz, and Lauren "I'm Likely To Be Fired Before This Show Is Over" Blondezilla rubs her forehead and mutters "Oh my gawd!" under her breath. Sharp-eared Tabatha hears this and shoots "Is that a problem?" at her. "I'm nervous." says Lauren. "You probably should be nervous!" says Tabatha... and I guess we'll see, because now it's time for...
THE ASSESSMENT
Here come Tabatha's paid extras model clients bearing celebrity photographs to test the Tika-gyrls out. Since the salon is "departmentalized" (with heavy emphasis on the "mental" part) the stylists work in teams... Tara heads up the cutting side, and Kristin is in charge of the coloring side. Oh look, here's what a Frumpy Brown FrizzyLady wants to try and look like...
...it's Nicole Kidman!...er- I mean, Charlize Theron!... um, maybe Katherine Heigl?...
Tara is consulting with FBFL and says maybe this retro look is not going to work so well for her on a daily basis, smartly steering her towards something a little more current. Tabatha is actually impressed by her consulting skills, and says there may be a "glimmer of hope in this place after all!"
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Comments (8)
Fabulous recap again J-Mo. You never fail to make me laugh at my computer screen in the middle of the office (it's okay, they all just think I'm insane...wait, that's not okay, hmmm, maybe I should do work).
There's something about a show where someone yells at idiots that attracts me. Then you add someone (you) making sarcastic comments about said show and it's like a confluence of hilarity.
I gotta say though, there's something in me that just wants people like this to fail. They just seem to plain stupid to be successful at anything. Of course I'm also a mean, cold, jerkass (not a doctor though).
1 of 8 | Posted by DrJerkass | Posted on September 25, 2008 4:41 AM
j-mo!
i love it. looove it. p.s. thanks for plugging me twice and linking to my recap!
i still wish ralphie was my daddy. esp after seeing your screengrabs. jealous of tabbs a lil in the kissyface one. and is it wrong that "I'll tell you how to fix that, Daddy Ralphie. Get a taser" was a bit of turn on for me???
as always, you have all of my love. and "OMG, what in Jeebus' name is a "Brazilian relaxer"? Is that like getting your pubes straightened? Ew." BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA LOVE IT!!!! i was thinking the exact same thing. just sounds so terribly, terribly wrong.
p.s. if lovin' your nubile jailbait ass is wrong, i don't wanna be right. although i'm younger than you. and a woman. and not a priest. meh.
p.p.s. oprah still sucks. *MWAH* hahahahahaHAAHAHAAAA
2 of 8 | Posted by AuJew | Posted on September 25, 2008 7:52 AM
Great recap (of course).
I ended up liking most of these people and I wanted them to be a success.
You are right to point out that hair care is a career that can't be outsourced to India! And I've worked in all those (horrible) environments you named that can be. (Thanks for the nightmares!)
I agree about so many kids growing up without a sense of where money comes from. I think they should just have the basics unless they are willing to work to earn more. No matter how much thier parents have. (But, I guess we'll always have Paris!)
3 of 8 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on September 25, 2008 11:03 AM
OMG, that screencap of Lauren puking in her mouth was hilarious! Great recap as always!
4 of 8 | Posted by rubinia | Posted on September 25, 2008 11:36 AM
Hi Darling J-Mo,
I think you should write an etiquette book in your own indominitable style.
Love your recap,
Yenta
5 of 8 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on September 25, 2008 1:38 PM
ROFLMAO @ "...hey, she does kinda look like Nicolize Theigl!..."
Thanks J-M0, you're the bestest!
**Mwah**
Val
6 of 8 | Posted by detinha | Posted on September 25, 2008 8:38 PM
J-Mo;
Great job as always! I just can't believe those two skanks were so stupid and selfish before "T" showed up. Spoiled ________ (fill in favorite name here). Keep up the good work.
Lots O' Love
7 of 8 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on September 27, 2008 8:18 AM
DrJerkAss... awww, shucks, thank you (and hey, thanks for coming to my aid over on that other thread the other day, wasn't that weird?) you're peaches in my book! Oh, and yes, I agree with you, sometimes privileged people work my last nerve, too, especially when they don't appreciate it like the Gruesome Twosome...
AuJew... no problem, I think we should all be building each other's work up, y'know? Can I say, though, that I would not be surprised in the LEAST to find out that you might enjoy electrical shock in an erotic sense? Oprah would not approve, but fuck her.
fire@will... LOL, sorry about the work nightmares, but I've done time in all those industries as well, and often longed for some kind of talent in cosmetics that would afford me a casually fabulous lifestyle complete with drinking lattés and whizzing around town in a sporty red convertible with the top down and my long luxurious blonde hair blowing in the wind, ready to assist with any kind of hairdressing emergency that may crop up (like, say, StylistMan™!) Alas, those dreams will never come true, and hell, these Medicare D claims ain't gonna just process themselves, y'know, so I plug away at the things I can do and vent my frustrations on these poor people who have foolishly agreed to appear on a reality TV show for our collective amusement. You're quite kind as always, though...
rubinia... Honey, that was too funny, and I wish I could take credit for it as a screencap, but actually it was a still shot from BravoTV[dot]com... but that was the first thing that popped into my head when I saw it (and that's what I usually go with when I write recaps and captions) so I'm glad you enjoyed it, too!
yenta-honey... the love is mutual... maybe I will try to put out "J-Mo's Etiquette For Specific Social Situations" later on this year, although many would probably find me to be in violation of many of my own imagined rules, so I dunno how well it would go over... but you're sweet for the suggestion!
detinha... LOL, thanks... honestly, I really couldn't tell who that picture was supposed to be! Can anyone help me out with that? I feel disconnected from pop culture when I can't identify someone I feel I should know, y'know?
arizonatom... thank you for the love, you're sweet as always...
I promise I'm working on the new episode of Salon Takeover, I should hopefully have it finished by tonight or tomorrow... thanks as always for all your comments, you guys always give me such warm fuzzy love...
love, J-Mo :)
8 of 8 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 30, 2008 10:28 AM