However, Kristin's color-consult is kinda wishy-washy and filled with buzzwords and salon-speak, and doesn't really say much of anything of use. Miss FBFL just kinda nods and says "uh-huh", and Lady T sarcastically interviews "Two out of two would be asking too much, though, wouldn't it?!" before she tells Kristin that she needs to take some notes on how Tara did her consults. Kristin looks as though she could cheerfully stab Tab five or six hundred times (or until her hand cramped up) but musters a weak "Sounds good..."
And here is Lauren "I'm Likely To Be Fired In The Next 20 Minutes" giving her raven-haired client the following consultation (and I'm gonna quote her because this is toooooo good not to see what she actually said!): "Your hair is a little.... you know, it's very... um... delicate... so... we can go to a lighter blonde, but you might have a little bit of... of a damage... which is not... (glances at Tabatha)... you know, pretty."
...well, she's got a point there, you should listen to her, because if anyone knows "not pretty", it's our girl Lauren...
Tabatha breaks in at this point, "Hold on. The fact that you just told your client that it's not going to be pretty because it's going to be damaged... is not setting it up very well for me. I know you're nervous but you're all over the place." Yeah, just kinda! If my stylist told me she was about to damage me and make me look ugly, I'd slap her really really hard and run crying from the salon.
Lauren "I'm Likely To Be Bitch-Slapped By J-Mo" says that Tabatha's "a monster! And that's the reason that everybody is so happy here, 'cuz we don't work with monsters!" Are you sure about that Lauren? Don't you have a mirror at your work station? Lady T tells Lauren that she needs to have her client's hair colored in 20 minutes, because the client needs to leave ASAP... probably to have her hair corrected at Industrie Hair Gurus over in Ridgewood, NJ. Lauren says she'll do her best. This can't be good. I'm guessing we'll be seeing smoking clumps of hair falling from this woman's scalp before the show is over.
Now T-girl has moved on to our pretty blonde airhead who likes pretty airy salon-talk (and believes there really is such a thing as a 'snap cup') and is asking this girl (Allison) how she would go about removing bulk from her client's hair. Alli sez "I jus' know how it's gonna fall from how..." Tabatha stops her. "No. There's a way to build weight into the hair, there's a way to remove weight from the hair..." Pretty Airy Alli guesses "What kind... of... angle? What kind of layer?" Hey, she sorta guessed right, cuz Tabatha says "Yeah! There's round layers, there's square layers, there's graduated layers, okay?" Oops, you shouldn'ta given her choices Tabby! "Okay, this is gonna be more of a... a ssssss-quare... look?" Tabatha's getting exasperated, "These aren't trick questions! This is basic A-B-Cs of hairdressing!"...
...Tabatha-honey, I suspect every question is a trick question for poor Allison...
Tabatha interviews "She's vacant... there is no one home." Yeah, I'd say that eviction notice was served a long time ago! Back in real-time, T-girl says to Alli, "You look like a deer in the headlights. Did you digest any of that?" and Alli says yes... and like a true airhead, Alli's not at all bothered by anything Tabatha said, mostly because she doesn't understand anything Tabatha said.
"I'm not offended by what she said. She's telling me that I look like a deer in front of... head... lights... and if I did, I did... but I think I'm doin' a good job!" says Alli, clearly not understanding the relationship between the words "deer" and "headlights" and "vacant" and "Alli".
Moving back over to Lauren "I'm Likely To Need A Valium" who is putting coloring foils in her client's hair, Lady T asks "So, you're not finished with your foiling?" No, she's not, cuz Lauren says "After... I apply this I'm still gonna hafta tone her to a color that she likes... so I guess 20 minutes didn't happen." And then she wanders off and says "I have to get a brush." Yeah, and probly a cigarette, too! "You have to get a fucking brain as well!" Well, I think that would be asking too much as well, Tabatha...
Okay, now it's time to evaluate how everybody did! Crapping your pants much, Lauren? Starting with Tara & Kristin's client Frumpy Brown FrizzyLady...
...hey, she does kinda look like Nicolize Theigl!...
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Comments (8)
Fabulous recap again J-Mo. You never fail to make me laugh at my computer screen in the middle of the office (it's okay, they all just think I'm insane...wait, that's not okay, hmmm, maybe I should do work).
There's something about a show where someone yells at idiots that attracts me. Then you add someone (you) making sarcastic comments about said show and it's like a confluence of hilarity.
I gotta say though, there's something in me that just wants people like this to fail. They just seem to plain stupid to be successful at anything. Of course I'm also a mean, cold, jerkass (not a doctor though).
1 of 8 | Posted by DrJerkass | Posted on September 25, 2008 4:41 AM
j-mo!
i love it. looove it. p.s. thanks for plugging me twice and linking to my recap!
i still wish ralphie was my daddy. esp after seeing your screengrabs. jealous of tabbs a lil in the kissyface one. and is it wrong that "I'll tell you how to fix that, Daddy Ralphie. Get a taser" was a bit of turn on for me???
as always, you have all of my love. and "OMG, what in Jeebus' name is a "Brazilian relaxer"? Is that like getting your pubes straightened? Ew." BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA LOVE IT!!!! i was thinking the exact same thing. just sounds so terribly, terribly wrong.
p.s. if lovin' your nubile jailbait ass is wrong, i don't wanna be right. although i'm younger than you. and a woman. and not a priest. meh.
p.p.s. oprah still sucks. *MWAH* hahahahahaHAAHAHAAAA
2 of 8 | Posted by AuJew | Posted on September 25, 2008 7:52 AM
Great recap (of course).
I ended up liking most of these people and I wanted them to be a success.
You are right to point out that hair care is a career that can't be outsourced to India! And I've worked in all those (horrible) environments you named that can be. (Thanks for the nightmares!)
I agree about so many kids growing up without a sense of where money comes from. I think they should just have the basics unless they are willing to work to earn more. No matter how much thier parents have. (But, I guess we'll always have Paris!)
3 of 8 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on September 25, 2008 11:03 AM
OMG, that screencap of Lauren puking in her mouth was hilarious! Great recap as always!
4 of 8 | Posted by rubinia | Posted on September 25, 2008 11:36 AM
Hi Darling J-Mo,
I think you should write an etiquette book in your own indominitable style.
Love your recap,
Yenta
5 of 8 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on September 25, 2008 1:38 PM
ROFLMAO @ "...hey, she does kinda look like Nicolize Theigl!..."
Thanks J-M0, you're the bestest!
**Mwah**
Val
6 of 8 | Posted by detinha | Posted on September 25, 2008 8:38 PM
J-Mo;
Great job as always! I just can't believe those two skanks were so stupid and selfish before "T" showed up. Spoiled ________ (fill in favorite name here). Keep up the good work.
Lots O' Love
7 of 8 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on September 27, 2008 8:18 AM
DrJerkAss... awww, shucks, thank you (and hey, thanks for coming to my aid over on that other thread the other day, wasn't that weird?) you're peaches in my book! Oh, and yes, I agree with you, sometimes privileged people work my last nerve, too, especially when they don't appreciate it like the Gruesome Twosome...
AuJew... no problem, I think we should all be building each other's work up, y'know? Can I say, though, that I would not be surprised in the LEAST to find out that you might enjoy electrical shock in an erotic sense? Oprah would not approve, but fuck her.
fire@will... LOL, sorry about the work nightmares, but I've done time in all those industries as well, and often longed for some kind of talent in cosmetics that would afford me a casually fabulous lifestyle complete with drinking lattés and whizzing around town in a sporty red convertible with the top down and my long luxurious blonde hair blowing in the wind, ready to assist with any kind of hairdressing emergency that may crop up (like, say, StylistMan™!) Alas, those dreams will never come true, and hell, these Medicare D claims ain't gonna just process themselves, y'know, so I plug away at the things I can do and vent my frustrations on these poor people who have foolishly agreed to appear on a reality TV show for our collective amusement. You're quite kind as always, though...
rubinia... Honey, that was too funny, and I wish I could take credit for it as a screencap, but actually it was a still shot from BravoTV[dot]com... but that was the first thing that popped into my head when I saw it (and that's what I usually go with when I write recaps and captions) so I'm glad you enjoyed it, too!
yenta-honey... the love is mutual... maybe I will try to put out "J-Mo's Etiquette For Specific Social Situations" later on this year, although many would probably find me to be in violation of many of my own imagined rules, so I dunno how well it would go over... but you're sweet for the suggestion!
detinha... LOL, thanks... honestly, I really couldn't tell who that picture was supposed to be! Can anyone help me out with that? I feel disconnected from pop culture when I can't identify someone I feel I should know, y'know?
arizonatom... thank you for the love, you're sweet as always...
I promise I'm working on the new episode of Salon Takeover, I should hopefully have it finished by tonight or tomorrow... thanks as always for all your comments, you guys always give me such warm fuzzy love...
love, J-Mo :)
8 of 8 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 30, 2008 10:28 AM