There's at least one in every workplace. We've all been stuck at a desk or in a cube near her at some point. She's the gal who wears the ill-fitting too-tight tops and low-rise capris (with thong undies) and doesn't seem to understand that at a certain point spaghetti straps stop looking sexy and start looking painful. She smokes like a chimney, drinks like a fish and loudly swears like a sailor (and sometimes farts like a grandpa... gleefully and with lusty abandon). She shares too many intimate details about herself (such as her diarrhea, yeast infections and the dreaded "heavy flow days") and often has loud fights on the phone with her mother/sister/kids/boyfriend/husband/somebodyelse'sboyfriendorhusband. She's always artlessly hitting on anything with a penis (which especially annoys her gay co-workers) and sees nothing wrong with telling you everything you're doing wrong in your life, but refuses to listen when you try to enlighten her that flossing and brushing could counteract her death-breath. In short, she's rude, crude and lewd...
...and she's met her match...
In tonight's episode of Salon Takeover With Tabatha we are treated to not only Nasty Girl being Put In Her Place, but we'll also see a Twitchy Nervous Wreck Get Schooled and some rather Ugly Family Dynamics. Sound like fun? Well, I'm sure as hell gonna do my best for y'all after the jump...
Well, it looks like I was wrong in my guessing that we were moving on to Miami this week (duh, this is a Bravo spin-off, I should have realized that there was just gonna be NYC Metro and L.A. Metro areas being covered) and in fact, Tabatha has homed in on a city quite near my old stomping grounds in the San Fernando Valley (shout-out to my peeps in Granada Hills, yo!) as this week's Salon Nightmare is located at HairLab in Woodland Hills, California.
...I think when your business' name is an anagram for "hr labia" you're just asking for it...
HairLab is owned by Miss Kathy Bartolotta and her nephew Tim Provencher, who totally gives me a Christopher Knight/Peter Brady vibe (only not as cute, and obviously not banging an ANTM "winner"). Tim claims that he always wanted a salon of his own, but it took Auntie Kathy "pushing him" before he took the plunge... and borrowed $230,000.00 of her money to get things started. So that's how it works!
Kathy's a widow, and apparently that quarter mil was just burning a hole in her bank account before Tim did her the favor of coming along and relieving her of it. Now she works full-time in managing the salon, but she is not a hairdresser... Tim's the one with the hair-burner pedigree of 22 years. Although she works as hard as she can, the salon is just breaking even, and she's not being paid back for the loan she gave to start this place... except in stress and heartburn...
Turns out that Kathy and Tim aren't much in the way of enforcing rules and/or professional business practices, and as a result, their stable of stylists aren't much for class or decorum (unless we were to precede those words by "low-" and "lack of", respectively). I'm thinking that's about to change, because look what the smog is blowing their way...
...Jesus, TabbyKat! Did Kenley over at Project Runway get ahold of you somehow?...
You know, normally I think Lady T dresses pretty smartly, but wherever she got that black tulle meringue concoction at, they lied... it's already expired, honey. Anyhow, she greets Kathy and Tim and convinces them to leave their business mid-day to travel to wherever the "hidden camera control room" is so they can begin...
SALON UNDERCOVER
Starting off with the usual "Why do you need me here?" gambit, Kathy explains that HairLab has been open for 2 years and their business has hit a plateau, and she needs to make more money after having sunk all of hers into it. After hearing the figure of $230,000.00 Tabatha wants to know how much Kathy is taking as a salary. Turns out she's only paying herself $2000.00 a month! In Southern California. The cost of living in Woodland Hills is listed as being 75% higher than the U.S. average so I'm guessing Kathy's not looking thin and haggard by choice. I'm also guessing she's probably got an ulcer, because she says her rent alone is $2000.00 a month... so in order to cover those other pesky expenses like food and electricity she's dipping into her ever-dwindling savings account. She believes she's got about 8 months left before she starts looking into selling off a kidney.
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Comments (9)
Dahling J-Mo,
How sad that next week is the finale : (
I really don't understand how these "salons" get regular customers. I know I'm high maintenance, but I would have walked out of most of them before the stylists got anywhere near my hair. And, seriously, I'd probably go completely nuts on any stylist that tried to get my hubby to kiss her. Watching Tabitha whip these pathetic people into shape has been amazingly cathartic, and reading your recaps has been amazingly fun.
I'd love to do an undercover to her salon, just to see if it lives up to her standards. Of course, my own stylist would probably strangle me, jealous bitch that he is.
As always, awesome, awesome recap.
Hugs,
Yenta
1 of 9 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on October 9, 2008 4:16 PM
I've only watched this show once and that was because I read J-Mo's f#cking funny as hell recap. (It was the one where the douche named Michael denied everything that was wrong with his salon) That being said I am dvring this episode ASAP!!!! I was hysterically laughing my ass off the whole way through. I have to see this. I've never heard anyone besides my brothers use the term "pussy punch". My mouth dropped open when I read that and then howled with laughter. And I am here to tell you that shit hurts. Guard you labias, ladies, when the "Witherspoon" boys are fighting!!!! Kudos & kisses, J-Mo!!!!!!!!
2 of 9 | Posted by ReeseWitherspoon | Posted on October 9, 2008 9:15 PM
Great recap (of course).
I had similar feelings about the real estate business story - I wondered how long ago did they film this, anyway??
Hopefully, she sold her house for enough to buy the better half of Tulsa. Still, I wonder if Tim is just doing more of the same - and if his aunt will ever get her money back.
I'm betting she'll be dealing with a more honest group of people in Oklahoma.
3 of 9 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on October 10, 2008 11:24 AM
J-Mo;
Thanks so much for the great recap, as always. I actually missed the first couple of minutes of this one and I didn't know until reading this that $8K-a-month-Tim was the NEPHEW of $2K-a-month-Kathy! That makes him all that much more of an asshole. I thought that it was priceless when Tabby-Kat was calling him out on taking so much salary that all he could say was that he had expenses at home he had to cover. I wonder if that includes two cars for himself, champagne parties (but not for his staff) and horribly tacky furniture and decor like Martino went for. What a putz - what a pair of putzes without a pair.
And who decides to have their own business, but doesn't want to be in charge and treat it like a business and be successful? If anything, you'd think that any business owner would fall to the side of too much control, rather than too little. At least Kwanna @ TEN Salon took an (over)active role in trying to manage the salon and have people do their jobs correctly (according to the foot-thick rule books). Geez, these two together can't even beat out the (formerly) laid-back Tami from The Loft on Broadway in Long Beach.
It makes me wonder how these places (as well as some of the restaurants that Gordon Ramsey turns around) stay open as long as they have.
Anyway - keep up the great work! You always have me in stitches when I read your recaps! You are just too twisted for color television ... and I LURVE that! Big HUG!
Lots O' Love
4 of 9 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on October 12, 2008 9:59 AM
Karen Carpenter! That's it! I couldn't think of who Twitchy Julie Ann looked like. Thank you J-Mo. It was driving me nuts. I knew it was somebody from the seventies and it was just on the tip of my tongue. All I could come up with was "hungover," "coke whore," and "bar hag."
This season went by so fast. Like Gordon Ramsay, Tabatha should always be on tv. I'll miss this show and your recaps, J-Mo. Hopefully after Top Design is over you'll get another show?
5 of 9 | Posted by shelleyh | Posted on October 13, 2008 7:33 AM
Sorry Jmo, didn't get a chance to comment last week. Karen Carpenter, so tragic, so sad, such a guilty musical pleasure!!!
That said, I smell douche coming from the direction of loving nephew . . . ugh and ARGH!!! She should have an insurance policy on him, then kill him, I'm just saying. I can't see any way or reason they would have him 2% ahead, except for him being a class A douche, and not even spring rain scent, more like the vinegar!!!! Sour, bitter vinegar!!!
And BTW, I absolutely cant wait, bated breath, for your top design recap!!!! I wasn't sure I could believe my eyes and ears on that one!!!
Till then . . . mwah!
6 of 9 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on October 13, 2008 1:35 PM
my darling j-mo,
i have been horribly reticent lately, but i have an excuse: lack of internet access!!! i moved to a new apartment that literally overlooks the ocean, but i haven't gotten cable/internet up and running yet. and superbusy time at work so...finally got a moment to read your brilliant recap!!!
you kill me, though. i have to say when i was reading the description of mazi, i was concerned about my own tendency to flirt with fabulous gay men...but purely in an ironic way, of course. and i only sexually harass those who are open to it.
much love! xoxox
7 of 9 | Posted by aujew | Posted on October 14, 2008 12:30 PM
Omggg as a fellow SFV-ian all I have to say is this salon is within walking distance of my work and that I don't know how such a tacky place is even on Ventura Blvd. Too bad I missed Tabatha :( it would of been nice to tell her that at least 3/4 of America would support her if she brought a tazer gun on shoot and started zapping these crazy hairdresser nuts.
8 of 9 | Posted by Pinkberries | Posted on October 15, 2008 10:20 PM
Yentapatrol... you are too kind (in fact, you're every kind) of sweetness and light for saying such nice things as you do. Yes, it will be sad that it has to come to an end, but I bet the show gets picked up for renewal, cuz with the economy swirling down the toilet, I bet there are going to be a LOT more troubled salons to choose from now... love to you...
ReeseWitherspoon... thanks for the sweet compliments! And I want you to know that I have never ever ever puss-punched anyone in my entire life... but I imagine if it hurts half as bad as getting kicked in the balls... anyhow, I'm so happy to bring you some happy, too! Love to you...
fire@will... thank you as always, and yeah, that whole real-estate thing seemed fishy and I'm thinking now that that dickbag nephew of hers forced her out and refuses to pay her back... love to you, though...
arizonatom... gosh you're sweet... be careful laying on the niceties too thick, I'm likely to tumble into bed with you... love to you...
shelleyh... I just love the phrase "coke whore" because it's versatile... it could refer to hard narcotic usage or someone who has sex for soft drinks (hey, if you were really super duper thirsty)... I don't know what I'll be doing after Top Design... I might take the holidays off, cuz there's a show I have my eye on that starts in January... love to you...
juddfan... chile, I ain't ashamed to admit that I loves me some Karen Carpenter... very few voices in the world have ever come close to hers, and between her and Selena, I have plenty of tragic divas to pine over... and if Timbo doesn't get his priorities straight, he's gonna wind up with a closed salon... and it would serve him right, too! Love to you...
AuJew... girl, I wondered where you been and who's been doin' thangs to you! I'm needing more doses of Gordon Ramsey, and soon! And don't feel bad about hitting on gay guys, it happens all the time, the thing I DISlike is Mazi's "artless" way of going about it, someone who is that tacky and obvious just makes you feel all squicky inside, and I don't like that at all. Love to you...
Pinkberries... Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Pleeeeeeze you MUST go at least check it out and see if Mazi-Rotty is working there still and let us know, pleeeeease? With sugar on top? Love to you...
Thank you everybody for your genuine and heartfelt comments. I am also sad this show is ending soon BUT you're going to have to wait until next week for the recap of the finale as I am off to Los Angeles today to hang out with my BFF (and another recapper) and have a drink or twelve... see you next week!
love, J-Mo :)
9 of 9 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on October 17, 2008 9:34 AM