Turning to Tim, Tabatha asks "How much did you invest initially into the salon, Tim?" He glibly answers "I didn't invest. Kathy came in as an investor." In other words, a BIG FAT ZERO DOLLARS. "You did not invest at all." says Lady T attempting to grasp the situation, "And what's your income, then? Your income is different from each other?" Timbo explains, "I don't take from the salon, I take from the chair.." Ah ah ah, "But the chair is in the salon." points out Tabatha. After hemming and hawing some more, Tim reveals that he takes home $8000.00 a month... Tabatha is incredulous as she interviews "Tim didn't put a dime into this salon yet he's making four times the salary that Kathy's making... something not right here!"
...can you find the greedy selfish tool in this picture?...
Gee, Kathy, nice nephew you've got there... does he, by any chance, also work for the government? Cuz he sure seems to know how to steal all your cash and spend all your future earnings and still claim that that is the right and fair thing to do while he lives 4 times better than you do. I bet he's not eating "Spaghetti-O Surprise" (which is crumbled-up generic Ritz crackers in Spaghetti-O's) four night a week. I speak from bitter experience. But, if you do find yourself in dire straits, you can also try Burger Bun Mexi-Melts, which is a slice of Velveeta on a cheap hamburger bun, with your choice of Mild or Hot Taco Bell Sauce squirted on top (if you're doing really good, or you find a dollar in the sofa cushions, use real salsa) and put under broiler for a minute or two. ¡Qué Delicioso!
Anyhow, we'll have to return to this curious and slightly totally psychotic financial arrangement later on. It's time for Kathy & Tim to see what's really going on in their salon while they've stepped out with Tabatha...
First we get to watch as a stylist washes a client's hair... while wearing one of Jennifer Beals' maniacal off-the-shoulder baggy-sleeve 80's blouses and continually whopping the client in the face with it...
...one good meaty bite would take care of this problem...
Now we are introduced to Miss Mazi. She's the loud obnoxious (I won't call her a "cougar" because I'm trying to do my part to shuffle that term off in the same direction as "bling" and "diss") Rottweilerish plastic-haired stylist that definitely qualifies as a M.W.T.Y.W.T.F.H.B.R.Y.R.P.Y.P.I.A.S.S. (this J-Mocronym is pronounced "Mow-tee-what-fuh-bry-rippy-pie-ass" and stands for Mother Who Thinks You Want To Fuck Her But Really You'd Rather Put Your Penis In A Salad-Shooter). She's screeching across the salon to another stylist "GOR-JUSSSSS, WHAS UUUUP? WHAD I'M GONNA DO WIDDOUT YOU BAYYY-BEEEEEE!!!"
Kathy and Tim seem embarrassed, and act as though they've never heard this woman cackling like this before. I'm calling bullshit, there's no way this is new behavior to them, they've just been allowing it (probably because they're both afraid Miss Mazi-Rotty will eat them).
Oooh, and here's something interesting... a rather Karen Carpenterish-looking stylist is applying hair coloring to a client... using a plastic grooming brush??!?
...I swear I've seen these at PetCo...
Tim says he has no idea what that thing is, or why the stylist is using it. Tabatha avers that it's not something she would ever use to apply coloring to a human head. I think it would be useful in removing lice eggs, but that's about it. And the client who is getting colorgroomed/nitpicked??!? "She looks absolutely terrifed... she looks like she's about to cry!"
...I'd say she's regretting signing that standard Bravo/NBC Universal reality show contract...
At this point Lady T reveals that she sent this client in, so you know there's gonna be a full report (and probably hysterics) later on...
Heyyyy, here's something you don't see every day! This stylist apparently has either a) a really itchy itch on her face... b) a sweltering zit that just broke open... or c) a big booger. I'm hoping it's a). Anyhow, instead of excusing herself for a second to either itch, mop or kleenex, she just leans over and wipes whatever-the-hell-it-is on the towel the client is wearing.
...ehh-hewww-uh!...
That's just Nas-to-the-T, people! "That is fucking disgusting!" says Tabatha as she struggles mightily with her gorge. She's not the only one. I feel just about ready to ride the Hurley-Whirley Express, too.
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Comments (9)
Dahling J-Mo,
How sad that next week is the finale : (
I really don't understand how these "salons" get regular customers. I know I'm high maintenance, but I would have walked out of most of them before the stylists got anywhere near my hair. And, seriously, I'd probably go completely nuts on any stylist that tried to get my hubby to kiss her. Watching Tabitha whip these pathetic people into shape has been amazingly cathartic, and reading your recaps has been amazingly fun.
I'd love to do an undercover to her salon, just to see if it lives up to her standards. Of course, my own stylist would probably strangle me, jealous bitch that he is.
As always, awesome, awesome recap.
Hugs,
Yenta
1 of 9 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on October 9, 2008 4:16 PM
I've only watched this show once and that was because I read J-Mo's f#cking funny as hell recap. (It was the one where the douche named Michael denied everything that was wrong with his salon) That being said I am dvring this episode ASAP!!!! I was hysterically laughing my ass off the whole way through. I have to see this. I've never heard anyone besides my brothers use the term "pussy punch". My mouth dropped open when I read that and then howled with laughter. And I am here to tell you that shit hurts. Guard you labias, ladies, when the "Witherspoon" boys are fighting!!!! Kudos & kisses, J-Mo!!!!!!!!
2 of 9 | Posted by ReeseWitherspoon | Posted on October 9, 2008 9:15 PM
Great recap (of course).
I had similar feelings about the real estate business story - I wondered how long ago did they film this, anyway??
Hopefully, she sold her house for enough to buy the better half of Tulsa. Still, I wonder if Tim is just doing more of the same - and if his aunt will ever get her money back.
I'm betting she'll be dealing with a more honest group of people in Oklahoma.
3 of 9 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on October 10, 2008 11:24 AM
J-Mo;
Thanks so much for the great recap, as always. I actually missed the first couple of minutes of this one and I didn't know until reading this that $8K-a-month-Tim was the NEPHEW of $2K-a-month-Kathy! That makes him all that much more of an asshole. I thought that it was priceless when Tabby-Kat was calling him out on taking so much salary that all he could say was that he had expenses at home he had to cover. I wonder if that includes two cars for himself, champagne parties (but not for his staff) and horribly tacky furniture and decor like Martino went for. What a putz - what a pair of putzes without a pair.
And who decides to have their own business, but doesn't want to be in charge and treat it like a business and be successful? If anything, you'd think that any business owner would fall to the side of too much control, rather than too little. At least Kwanna @ TEN Salon took an (over)active role in trying to manage the salon and have people do their jobs correctly (according to the foot-thick rule books). Geez, these two together can't even beat out the (formerly) laid-back Tami from The Loft on Broadway in Long Beach.
It makes me wonder how these places (as well as some of the restaurants that Gordon Ramsey turns around) stay open as long as they have.
Anyway - keep up the great work! You always have me in stitches when I read your recaps! You are just too twisted for color television ... and I LURVE that! Big HUG!
Lots O' Love
4 of 9 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on October 12, 2008 9:59 AM
Karen Carpenter! That's it! I couldn't think of who Twitchy Julie Ann looked like. Thank you J-Mo. It was driving me nuts. I knew it was somebody from the seventies and it was just on the tip of my tongue. All I could come up with was "hungover," "coke whore," and "bar hag."
This season went by so fast. Like Gordon Ramsay, Tabatha should always be on tv. I'll miss this show and your recaps, J-Mo. Hopefully after Top Design is over you'll get another show?
5 of 9 | Posted by shelleyh | Posted on October 13, 2008 7:33 AM
Sorry Jmo, didn't get a chance to comment last week. Karen Carpenter, so tragic, so sad, such a guilty musical pleasure!!!
That said, I smell douche coming from the direction of loving nephew . . . ugh and ARGH!!! She should have an insurance policy on him, then kill him, I'm just saying. I can't see any way or reason they would have him 2% ahead, except for him being a class A douche, and not even spring rain scent, more like the vinegar!!!! Sour, bitter vinegar!!!
And BTW, I absolutely cant wait, bated breath, for your top design recap!!!! I wasn't sure I could believe my eyes and ears on that one!!!
Till then . . . mwah!
6 of 9 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on October 13, 2008 1:35 PM
my darling j-mo,
i have been horribly reticent lately, but i have an excuse: lack of internet access!!! i moved to a new apartment that literally overlooks the ocean, but i haven't gotten cable/internet up and running yet. and superbusy time at work so...finally got a moment to read your brilliant recap!!!
you kill me, though. i have to say when i was reading the description of mazi, i was concerned about my own tendency to flirt with fabulous gay men...but purely in an ironic way, of course. and i only sexually harass those who are open to it.
much love! xoxox
7 of 9 | Posted by aujew | Posted on October 14, 2008 12:30 PM
Omggg as a fellow SFV-ian all I have to say is this salon is within walking distance of my work and that I don't know how such a tacky place is even on Ventura Blvd. Too bad I missed Tabatha :( it would of been nice to tell her that at least 3/4 of America would support her if she brought a tazer gun on shoot and started zapping these crazy hairdresser nuts.
8 of 9 | Posted by Pinkberries | Posted on October 15, 2008 10:20 PM
Yentapatrol... you are too kind (in fact, you're every kind) of sweetness and light for saying such nice things as you do. Yes, it will be sad that it has to come to an end, but I bet the show gets picked up for renewal, cuz with the economy swirling down the toilet, I bet there are going to be a LOT more troubled salons to choose from now... love to you...
ReeseWitherspoon... thanks for the sweet compliments! And I want you to know that I have never ever ever puss-punched anyone in my entire life... but I imagine if it hurts half as bad as getting kicked in the balls... anyhow, I'm so happy to bring you some happy, too! Love to you...
fire@will... thank you as always, and yeah, that whole real-estate thing seemed fishy and I'm thinking now that that dickbag nephew of hers forced her out and refuses to pay her back... love to you, though...
arizonatom... gosh you're sweet... be careful laying on the niceties too thick, I'm likely to tumble into bed with you... love to you...
shelleyh... I just love the phrase "coke whore" because it's versatile... it could refer to hard narcotic usage or someone who has sex for soft drinks (hey, if you were really super duper thirsty)... I don't know what I'll be doing after Top Design... I might take the holidays off, cuz there's a show I have my eye on that starts in January... love to you...
juddfan... chile, I ain't ashamed to admit that I loves me some Karen Carpenter... very few voices in the world have ever come close to hers, and between her and Selena, I have plenty of tragic divas to pine over... and if Timbo doesn't get his priorities straight, he's gonna wind up with a closed salon... and it would serve him right, too! Love to you...
AuJew... girl, I wondered where you been and who's been doin' thangs to you! I'm needing more doses of Gordon Ramsey, and soon! And don't feel bad about hitting on gay guys, it happens all the time, the thing I DISlike is Mazi's "artless" way of going about it, someone who is that tacky and obvious just makes you feel all squicky inside, and I don't like that at all. Love to you...
Pinkberries... Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Pleeeeeeze you MUST go at least check it out and see if Mazi-Rotty is working there still and let us know, pleeeeease? With sugar on top? Love to you...
Thank you everybody for your genuine and heartfelt comments. I am also sad this show is ending soon BUT you're going to have to wait until next week for the recap of the finale as I am off to Los Angeles today to hang out with my BFF (and another recapper) and have a drink or twelve... see you next week!
love, J-Mo :)
9 of 9 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on October 17, 2008 9:34 AM