Sometimes I sit in my cubicle at work and stare off into space having one of my many Lottery Fantasies... one of which involves having my own adult film production company (mercifully for you, O Beloved Gasmii, I will not go into detail about it other than to say it would feature hefty men like my boyfriend and a variety of lubricating substances). However, some of my more G-rated ideas have been along the lines of owning my own dance club (called "J-Mo's Disco Heaven") or my own restuarant (called "J-Mo's Deep-Fried-Nirvana") or my own religion (called "J-Mo-ism"... our Golden Rule would be "Do Unto Others Nicely Or You'll Get A Great Big Karmic Bitchslap"). I could conceivably make a decent go at any of these businesses because I have experience that would prepare me to run all of them... or maybe even a combination of all three... a disco restaurant church... hmmmm....
...on the other hand, while I like getting my hair colored and cut, I think I'd probably make a hysterically terrible hair salon owner, cuz I'd have no flippin' clue what I was doing whatsoever. On tonight's episode of Salon Takeover With Tabatha, we meet a woman who stupidly forged ahead with this exact Lottery Fantasy anyhow (minus the much-needed Lottery Win as a backup cushion) and she nearly inspires Tabatha Coffey to violence! Let's make some popcorn, have some cheap wine and watch the bitchslapping together after the jump...
Tonight's show is back on Da Left Coast again (I mistakenly thought that the salon name "The Loft On Broadway" was in New York City). It turns out that The Loft is on Broadway in downtown Long Beach, California (heyyy, I wonder if they know Kwanna and Company over at Circle Ten?... assuming they haven't gone under by now.) Anyhow, The Loft is owned and operated (after a fashion) by Tami Down. Boy, is she in over her squat, chunky head! She is not a hairdresser and has no idea how to run her own salon, and her staff is running amok...
..."Let's play 'There's Something About Mary' again! I'll be Cameran Diaz!!"...
"I don't wanna discipline my team," says Tami, "They're adults, they should know what they should be doing..." Yes, Tami, and apparently, getting paid by you to lounge around all day is what they feel they should be doing. You are a dream boss, hon, but you're going to be eating Meow Mix on Ry-Krisp for dinner if you're not careful...
...oh wait! I spoke too soon... she apparently is already having Panburger Partner (minus the burger) because she has been having to borrow money from her mother every month! Tami's mommy must not be Catholic or Jewish, the GPR (guilt percentage rate) alone would have deterred her from making such a foolish and Zoloft-necessitating decision. I guess she needs to do something, cuz her most experienced stylist Richie says if things keep going as they are, Tami and her family are going to be homeless, "...and I'm going to be doing hair in my kitchen!"
...as well as his eyebrows in the dark, apparently...
I'm just kidding, Richie is actually one of the few voices of reason and experience in the madpit asylum that is "The Loft". You'll see what I mean as we venture into...
SALON UNDERCOVER
For some reason, Tabatha is all alone watching the "hidden camera" footage tonight. I'm not exactly sure why, but it's kind of funny because she's talking to herself the whole time and getting really animated, but you can kinda tell she feels sorta stupid doing it, too.
One of the first glimpses of Tami's staff would have sent me running and screaming for my life...
...ugh, Crappy Crayola Hair™...
Can anybody explain to me why a hair-stylist, who is arguably their own best advertisement for their skills, would sport such an ugly color? I have never been able to get my mind around seeing people walking around with that dirty toxic dark blue coloring in their hair. If you're going to go for an unnatural color, fucking go for it, don't pussyfoot around, make it vivid and make it stand OUT...
...it helps if you have these glasses, too...
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Comments (5)
J-Mo, your recap was hilarious. Being a LB resident, I was anxious to see this episode. I was kind of disappointed tho when Tabby took Tami on her little field trip, they didn't do some marketing at the very nearby The Lubery (yes, it's exactly what you think it is). A bridal shop? how boujois. ha ha
1 of 5 | Posted by jazzee | Posted on October 2, 2008 11:34 AM
J-Mo Darling,
I love you doing 2 recaps a week--"It's raining J-Mo, Hallelujah!!!..."
I even have my stylist reading your recaps. You should hear him chime in with you and Tabitha.
Hugs,
Yenta
2 of 5 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on October 2, 2008 1:19 PM
J-Mo;
I agree, 80's hair was SO horrible! I just bet you had a mullet back then, didn't you? C'mon, fess up!
The terms "oral congress" and "splotchety box" should NEVER be used in the same recap! I'm just sayin'.
FUCOWs was hilarious! We've al worked with them and it sux!
Save the Skechers!!
Great recap - keep 'em coming!!
Lots O' Love
3 of 5 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on October 4, 2008 8:39 AM
As always - awesome.
It was nice to have an owner who seemed to appreciate the help and make meaningful changes.
Unlike some episodes, I feel this salon will continue to improve over time.
Thanks!
4 of 5 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on October 4, 2008 8:51 AM
jazzee... LOL, I thought that "The Lubery" was how "The Library" was pronounced, but it sounds like a great store! Thanks for the tip and the kind compliments...
yentapatrol... hey thanks, but be sure to tell your stylist I don't have the slightest clue what I'm talking about when it comes to hairdressing, I just like to yap a lot...
arizonatom... yes, I did have a gay mullet (a gaylet?) but mine was more Duran Duran as opposed to the white-trash kind...
fire@will... thank you again, and I agree with you, I think that Tami discovered that her addiction to eating was worth fostering, and I do like a nice heartwarming story coming from these salons from time to time...
Thanks for the comments, you guys are awesome!
love, J-Mo :)
5 of 5 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on October 6, 2008 8:58 AM