Welcome everyone! This is J-Mo, and I am the wacky fatboy nutjob who has been guiding the 'gasm through the bitch-infested waters of Shear Genius Season 2 these past two months, which has been extremely rewarding (and sleep-depriving). I was actually a fan of Shear Genius from the beginning, and my absolute favorite stylestant on it was the amazing Tabatha Coffey...
In case you are not familiar with Ms. Tabatha, she was the fan favorite from Season 1 of Shear Genius, and made her presence known immediately as a no-nonsense, brutally honest, fearless competitor who takes no shit from anybody (in other words, my kinda woman). She was (in my opinion) unfairly eliminated on a team challenge last season and my guess is she marched into the head offices of Bravo TV at Universal/NBC afterwards and threatened executives with anesthetic-free circumcision if they didn't either bring her back in Season 2, or give her her own spinoff show. They caved and did both, so she was a guest judge on Shear Genius and now we are blessed with Salon Takeover With Tabatha! The premise of this show being ripped off from inspired by Kitchen Nightmares with Gordon Ramsay except instead of inept and idiotic restauranteurs, it's dumbass salon owners agreeing to get ass-poked in return for Tabatha helping keep their business from going belly up. This is gonna be fun! Lots of tears! And yelling! And bitchery! And chain-saws! After the jump!
Okay, let me get a little background on Lady T out of the way. She was born and raised in Surfers Paradise, Australia and owns a salon called Industrie Hair Gurus in Ridgewood, NJ.... holy shit, she came all the way from a place called "Surfers Paradise" and wound up in JERSEY?!?? See? Bitch is crazy! Anyhow, she's been in the hairdressing biz for 25 years, and says her salon is soooo successful that people have to wait three months to get an appointment with her... she neglects to mention that she's only there once every three months, so that could have something to do with it, but we'll keep that little nugget quietly to ourselves, 'kay? Shhhhhhhh!
Anyhow Tabatha has devoted her entire life to hairdressing and she wants to help other people be just as passionate about it as she is, so she is going to offer her expert advice to struggling hair salon owners in exchange for being as big a bitch as she wants to be and no one can say anything because they're facing bankruptcy (and if you've ever faced a State Trustee and had to explain why you can't pay your Target card, you'll understand why these people shut up and bite the pillow).
SO we meet tonight's inept idiots salon owners, Chris and Kwanna, who are actually a husband and wife. They own TEN Salon & Spa in downtown Long Beach, California, which seems to have cleaned up an awful lot since I was last there (or maybe Bravo P.A.s hosed the block down and shooed all the homeless people over to a public park for the day). They have been in business for only two years, but their Salon... and Chris and Kwanna's marriage... are in trouble! Dunn Dunn DUUUUUUUUNNHHH!
...looks pretty nice, doesn't it?... Just wait 'til the employees get there...
We meet Kwanna, who tells us it's been her dream to open her own salon since just five years into her career. That's so great! You know, Kwanna, it was my dream to become King (or Queen) Of The Universe by the time I turned 20, but that doesn't mean it's gonna happen for me. Matter of fact, I'm still waiting for that to happen...
...whatever Kwanna wants, Kwanna gets...
Chris tells us that in order to open TEN salon, t(he)y had to mortgage their house (twice) and max out every credit card they've ever had, and still, twice there have been eviction notices posted to the front door of the salon (which Kwanna has quickly taken down lest the employees see such notices and figure out they're working for a pair of dunderheads with zero business sense). If they were kicked out of the salon today, Chris says they would owe over.... ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Jeebus, I had no idea that having your own StupidCuts could cost so damn much!
...The -$1,000,000.00 Man...
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Comments (11)
J-Mo;
A stellar recap, as always. I peed a little bit reading about Chris being the NEGATIVE $1,000,000 man! Classic!
I also can't help but wonder if Lady T wouldn't have kept the frosted glass wall if instead of it being circular, it had had been squircangle shaped? Just saying.
Here's to a new season with a new reason to love Bravo! Keep up the good work (and try to get more rest)!
1 of 11 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on August 25, 2008 6:22 PM
Hi-hi, (lol)
I loved the recap!
I wonder who's going to take over Tabatha's hair and make it over! But, I have to admit, she did a great job!
I thought Chris was a bit lazy guy.
I LOLed when Danny went to hug Lady T! and then, I LOLed again, reading your description!
Thanks for the good laughs!
Val
2 of 11 | Posted by detinha | Posted on August 25, 2008 7:24 PM
Haven't seen the show, but this was one of your best recaps ever. (Considering I'm straight and don't know squat about hairdressing, that says a lot.)
I was LOL about all that manual BS. Sounded like what so many of us have to (uselessly) endure in large companies.
3 of 11 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on August 26, 2008 10:05 AM
Loved the recap. So many laughs...The Lady T had her tear ducts surgically removed, so funny. And let's splurge and have mayo tonight..priceless.
Watching the show, I had a few problems with the "hidden camera footage" after seeing the "hidden cameras" and that it was filmed at eye level. Also, why Chris didn't get an actual job that pays real money so maybe they could have some Cheese Whiz with the mayo?
Lady T didn't disappoint with her jugular attacks and constructive bitchiness.
It always amazes me that totally clueless people make it so far in life before they self destruct.
Looking forward to more recaps.
4 of 11 | Posted by skies | Posted on August 26, 2008 10:29 AM
J-Mo, you are once again to blame for enticing me to watch yet another show. I never would have watched Shear Genius without you and yes, now I'm going to set the DVR to watch this one. You are just toooo danged funny!
It sounds like you've had a lot of experience with bosses like this. Poor thing! I've had one other micromanager and I just HATED it; now I have another. I spend half my day just trying to avoid her. Ugh. I always feel more successful when managers treat me like a competent professional, but now I'm stuck with this controlling beotch who clearly doesn't trust any of her employees -- except the uber suckups.
Thanks for the laughs -- I need them!
5 of 11 | Posted by zbird | Posted on August 26, 2008 3:25 PM
Hi J-Mo!! Laughing my arse off on my lunch break and trying to figure out how to e-mail this to my micromanaging macrobitch of a superviser without getting caught. Ah, well, I guess it's just a pleasant dream, and it's not like she'd recognize herself anyway. Keep up the funny recaps!!
6 of 11 | Posted by faatcaat | Posted on August 27, 2008 1:27 PM
I haven't even finished the recap yet, I just had to say THANK YOU for getting me hooked on the genius that is Shear Genius and the hilarity that is Bitchy Charlie. Thanks to TiVo and Bravo's new show lineup I won't have to worry about those pesky hours of downtime for MONTHS.
Tabitha is awesome. I love her. I want one. Clearly if I had a Tabitha my life would be in perfect order. Or at least my hair would be.
Kwanna was priceless and her ginger-giant of a husband was pretty funny too. Most hilarious of all though, as usual, was the recap.
Thanks for making my 9 to 5 fly by so I can rush home and, well, watch the shows I read about all day.
7 of 11 | Posted by Nemesiis | Posted on August 27, 2008 1:31 PM
as always, J-mo, thank you for your thorough recaps!!! Don't know if I'll watch, but I'll be reading! I do work in Burbank, so maybe I"ll try and catch that one . . . I'll let you know what I discover . . . XOXO
8 of 11 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on August 27, 2008 2:14 PM
hahahahaha loved it. this show is just like kitchen nightmares and it kills me. i will have to start saying "your inch is different from my inch" now as much as possible in everyday conversation. thanks for the laughs, jmo xo
9 of 11 | Posted by flipit | Posted on August 27, 2008 3:54 PM
"Because circles are a hard-ass idea to come up with."
lmao jmo I LOVE YOU. here is why:
1. tabatha was my favorite too and the combination of tabatha's snarkiness layered by yours is like chocolate hazelnut spread. on a hot guy.
2. every time you say "snap, head roll" i think of marie antoinette, the ultimate queen.
just as an fyi, i'm gonna have to tvgasm-stalk you and watch/read everything you recap. kthxbye.
xoxoxoxoxox let's stalk tabatha next and ask if we can be her bitchettes.
10 of 11 | Posted by mrsdaddytom | Posted on August 28, 2008 12:50 PM
arizonatom... thank you, you are so sweet!.. and the world needs more squircangles!
detinha... thanks for your kind compliments as always, and I agree, Chris is a douche!
fire@will... Wow, that's a really great compliment, thank you... and don't worry, I'm gay and I don't know a damn thing about hairdressing, either!
skies... yeah, that "hidden-camera" bullshit was pretty stupid, but still, it was a great show! Thanks for the kudos!
zbird... sorry to get you hooked on more silly reality TV shows, but this one is a gem I think... glad to have you along for the ride!
faatcaat... oh my, I've never helped anyone's arse come off before... I'll take that as a compliment... and I loved "micromanaging macrobitch", that's pretty damn clever! Thanks for reading!
Nemesiis... I'm happy to make the work day go by faster, just DON'T get caught and DON'T get fired! I agree, every home should have a Tabatha... and maybe at work, too!
juddfan... stay away from the Burbank salon featured next episode (recap to follow). No cute guys there anyhow! And thanks for your support as always!
flipit... hey, I've got an idea... let's compare inches sometime, okay? It'll be fun, and perhaps soon we'll be show sisters! Thanks for the love!
mrsdaddytom... OMG I LOVE chocolate hazelnut spread on a hot guy! You read my mind! You are so sweet, and you know where to find my writings here, cuz I'm doing "Top Design" starting next week! P.S. I think the world needs more of Tabatha & The Bitch-ettes!
love, J-Mo :)
11 of 11 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on August 30, 2008 4:44 PM